Push Jokes

Following is our collection of fell puns and pushy one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Push jokes for adults, dirty pushup jokes and clean slinky dad gags for kids.

The Best Push Puns

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.



Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push two twins together to make a king.

How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. "He fell".


If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It'll still be stationery.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist...


I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar...

He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"

What's the best pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in."

How many cops does it take to push a minority down the stairs?

None, "He fell"

Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people

Push and pull

some people are like slinkys

They really aren't good for anything but it feels great when you push them down the stairs.

Why are Lannisters like beds?

Push two twins together and make a king.

Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"


What is the best pickup line at a gay bar?

Let me push your stool in for you.

^^I'm^sorry.

I bought a push up bra today...

It didn't work, I can still only do 2...

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'

I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful

What is green but turns red when you push the button

A frog in a blender

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...

She said let's see how the date goes first

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?...

"What, you're coming empty handed?"

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Some people are like slinkies

They don't really have a purpose but it still brings a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE?

She wanted the Task Manager.

How do the Lannisters save money on new beds?

They push Two twins together to make a King

What do you call a Kia with push button start?

Nokia

No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope...

It was still stationery.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

Some people are like Slinkies...

Some people are like Slinkies.

Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Remember these two words. They will open up the doors in your life.

Push and pull

No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary.

thanks dad!

Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

A flat minor.

Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you.

Push and pull.

To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.

Man, threading a needle is tough!

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
I'm done for, the man cries in despair.
No, you are not, comes a booming voice from the heavens. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, Now, what?
The booming voice replies, Now you are done for.

I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink,

I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink, a kind gentleman approached and offered to push my stool in.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What...you coming empty handed?"

A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.

The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.

The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.

The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"

The men at gay bars are so polite...

Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

A man and woman live in a two story house.

A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.

"Who's out there?" he asks.

A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."

"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."

He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"

"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.

"Yes."

"Do you still need that push?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?" the man asks.

"I'm over here on your swings."

The rope joke

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"

The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"

Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall?

To see her crack.

A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...

... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?

The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.

He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.

She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?

Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?

The other man says, Yeah .

So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?

The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

My first drink with my son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Boy VS Girl Friends

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you
The boyfriend says: Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?
Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?

What does a push-up bra and a bag of chips have in common?

When you open them, they're only half full.

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts

Then push them to the side of your plate!

Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?

I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.

People are like slinkys...

... they're no fun to look at but when you push em down the stairs you cant help but smile.

A man is walking down the street

He notices another gentleman walking down the sidewalk towards him dragging a long chain behind him.

He says to the man, "Excuse me sir, but why on earth are your dragging that long chain down the road?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a chain down the road?"

We should line up all the parents who do not vaccinate their children...

and push them off the edge of the earth

What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?

Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill.

BONUS: How do you make French Wine?

Invade.

What's the difference between pulling and pushing a car?

When you pull a car, you get tired. When you push one you get exhausted.

What did the polite gay man say to the other man when he left the bar?

Please allow me to push in your stool sir.

Guy walking down the street...

...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"

The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"

How many Push-Ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

When I was a kid in Scotland...

...I asked my dad once day

"How come you always screw the sheep on the edge of the cliffs? Isn't that kind of dangerous?"

He said "Yes, son, it is, but it makes the sheep push back a lot harder."

Just bought a new deodorant...

The instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom.'

...which helps with the smell, admittedly, but hurts a lot!

Potty Training

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:


1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up


She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.


Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

Push the envelope all you want...

It'll always be stationery

What did one gay man say to another at the bar?

"Mind if I push your stool in? ;)"

Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall?

.....So he could see her crack....

There is an abundance of ramp jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes and push puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any slinkies witze you can hear about push.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes