Push Jokes
167 push jokes and hilarious push puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about push that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Push Jokes - Get your daily fix of laughter with jokes about push activities, products and more. Read through hilarious one-liners about push ups, push bikes, push up bras, push-pull motors, prodding and dustbins!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Push Short Jokes
Short push jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The push humour may include short press jokes also.
- I dated a girl in a wheelchair She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?" - If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day… If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
- I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
- A wife says to her husband ... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair" - Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- I was at the atm when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
- I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.
- I lost my job at the bank on the first day... ...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
- An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus - I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
Share These Push Jokes With Friends
Push One Liners
Which push one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with push? I can suggest the ones about squeeze and force.
- Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.
- If the earth really is flat Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?
- No matter how much you push the envelope. It'll still be stationery.
- What's the best pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push your stool in."
- There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull
- Why are Lannisters like beds? Push two twins together and make a king.
- I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out.
- I bought a push up bra today... It didn't work, I can still only do 2...
- Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer? He was pushing the right trigger.
- What is green but turns red when you push the button A frog in a blender
- What do you call a Kia with push button start? Nokia
- Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
- Why can't t-rexs do push ups? Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.
- No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary. thanks dad!
- Earth can not be flat Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge
Push Pull Jokes
Here is a list of funny push pull jokes and even better push pull puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him. His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?" - What's the difference between a gentleman and a gay gentleman? A gentleman pulls his date's chair out for her. A gay gentleman pushes his date's stool in.
- What's the difference between pulling and pushing a car? When you pull a car, you get tired. When you push one you get exhausted.
- A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ... Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? You try pushing it !
- Its funny how men and women both want to make their chest look bigger and that they're both just one similar search away from doing so .. men look for pull up bars and women search for push up bras
- Hedgehog was pulling a rope in the forest The rabbit saw and asked: "Why you are pulling this rope?" "You know... It's very hard to push it"replied hedgehog.
- As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
- A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"
The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?" - In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope. Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?! - What should you do when push comes to shove? Learn to read. The door says "pull".
Push Ups Jokes
Here is a list of funny push ups jokes and even better push ups puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many Push-Ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them
- While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain." - My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV Man... I love Netflix!
- Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups ... He does Earth downs.
- Push-ups are easy. I can do them with my eyes closed.
- My therapist said some exercises would add me several years... and he was right. I've made 15 push-ups right now and I feel like I'm 85 years old.
- Did you hear that the unions for Bridgestone, FedEx, and UPS are pushing for a merger? They wanted to be rebranded as The Local Tired and FedUp.
- Chuck Norris can do push-ups with his beard.
- Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.
- Chuck Norris can do push-ups in a sit-up position.
Push Up Bra Jokes
Here is a list of funny push up bra jokes and even better push up bra puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common? They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.
- How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.
- What's the first ingredient in a push up bra? Start with two cups of lies.
- What do you get when you push a female mathematician into a swamp? Algae bra
- What does a weightlifting divorce attorney have in common with a good push-up bra? They both lift and separate.
- Hey George. I just bought a push-up bra. Cool, thanks for the uplifting news.
Push Bike Jokes
Here is a list of funny push bike jokes and even better push bike puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity... No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.
- I once pushed a guy off his bike I've since been banned from that gym
Push Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny push up jokes and even better push up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some people are like slinkies Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs
- Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today. I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- My wife left me According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.
In my defence, she's in a wheelchair. - Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude... He's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
- When cats are sad... Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another." - A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
- How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff? None. He slipped and fell by himself.
- As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool... She said let's see how the date goes first
- The other day, my Physics teacher said I had so much potential... Then he pushed me out the window.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Push Jokes
What funny jokes about push you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean insert jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make push pranks.
Just bought a new deodorant...
The instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom.'
...which helps with the smell, admittedly, but hurts a lot!
Help! I need a push!
A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
When I was a kid in Scotland...
...I asked my dad once day
"How come you always screw the sheep on the edge of the cliffs? Isn't that kind of dangerous?"
He said "Yes, son, it is, but it makes the sheep push back a lot harder."
A man is walking down the street
He notices another gentleman walking down the sidewalk towards him dragging a long chain behind him.
He says to the man, "Excuse me sir, but why on earth are your dragging that long chain down the road?"
The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a chain down the road?"
People are like slinkys...
... they're no fun to look at but when you push em down the stairs you cant help but smile.
A man and woman live in a two story house.
A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."
I pushed a hipster down the stairs today...
He's still Tumbling!
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Guy walking down the street...
...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"
The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell if you accidentally wandered into a gay bar?
Everyone keeps offering to push your stool in
A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you s**... it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.
Man, threading a needle is tough!
Two Gay Men Walk Into A Bar
One sits down, the other says "Can I push your stool in?"
A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...
... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?
The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.
He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.
She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?
Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?
The other man says, Yeah .
So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?
The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bench Bros...
Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a b**... coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. o**... turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a Swiss Roll?
Push him down a hill.
BONUS: How do you make French Wine?
Invade.
Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall?
.....So he could see her crack....
My first drink with my son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did one gay man say to the other gay man in the gay bar?
Stand up and I'll push your stool in.
Yeah it's g**....
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To push Jake off a cliff.... he really hates Jake.
as told by my 6 year old who hates a kid named Jake.
I was telling my Asian friend about my phone
I told my Asian friend that was fresh off the boat about how I can push a button on my phone and tell it to do something and it does it. He said "That's just Siri"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy VS Girl Friends
A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you
The boyfriend says: Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow ?
Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Training
Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink,
I went to a gay bar. As I sat down to order a drink, a kind gentleman approached and offered to push my stool in.
I walked up to a guy in the gym.
I said, "How do you use this piece of equipment?"
"It's pretty simple," he replied, "Just push the button and it dries your hands..."
What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?
A flat minor.
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.
My car was making this annoying sound . . .
. . . so I went to see a mechanic.
Me: My car is making an annoying sound.
Mechanic: Easy fix. Reach over. Open the door. And push her out.
Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?
Because it's soda pressing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get if you push a gypsy off a bike?
Your bike back
At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy
I loved that wheelchair.
The rope joke
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The men at gay bars are so polite...
Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.
How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?
None, he fell.
I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.
I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.
He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.
What does an old cranky person and a Slinky have in common?
Neither is much fun until you push them down some stairs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Flat Earthers
It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.
This kid is dragging a chain down the road
and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"
Warning - Never push the number 8 over;
The ramifications can go on forever
If you push someone, they fall flat on the ground...
They don't fall round on the ground.
Therefore the Earth is flat!
Have you ever had the feeling to push someone into a shark tank at an aquarium?
Anyways, I lost my job as a shark trainer today.
I bought a new deodorant yesterday.
The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?
Google has decided to heavily push a save the planet program.
They're making Al-Gore-ithms to help speed things along.
Bought a deodrant stick today...
It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.
What mattresses do Lannisters use ?
They push two twins together to make a king.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?
I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.
Took my son out for his first pint got him a Carlsberg.
He didn't like it. I drank it got him a Fosters.
He didn't like it. I drank it.
Same with the Guinness, the cider and the whiskey.
By the end of the night, I could hardly push his pram home.
Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall?
To see her crack.
Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.
The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?
The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one
Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!
Where we push two twins together to make a king.
What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?
The envelope.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man I swear to god, Flat Earthers are just so annoying.
Like sometimes their theories are so wild they just push me off the edge.
Pregnant Wife
My wife has been so moody since she became pregnant. I asked her to push harder and she began yelling and calling me names.
I said, "Let me know if you have a better way to get the car out of the mud."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him off the Alps.
"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife..
But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.
