The Best 90 Purse Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Purse jokes. There are some purse satchel jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these purse wallet puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Purse Jokes and Puns

A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license

Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"

The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."

Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."

The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"

The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in Sex."

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub...

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." ;)

So he stabs her & steals her purse.

So a black man walks into a bar on a Friday night...

...and a woman approaches him and the two hit it off very well. After hours of flirting and dancing together they head back to the woman's apartment. The woman begins to undress and says, "Show me that it's true what they say about black men." So the black man stabs her, steals her purse and leaves.

Purse joke, So a black man walks into a bar on a Friday night...

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

What did the watch say when the necklace, earrings, purse and ring killed the shoes?

I won't be an accessory to this.


I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day...

... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.



A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Purse joke, Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice..

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today.....

at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.

You can explore purse divider reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean purse rectangular dad jokes. There are also purse puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a condom out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.

The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.

She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"

The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

Cyanide?

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver...

"Are you aware of what you were doing?" The officer asks.
"Speeding?" "Yes, now show me your license and registration please." The driver with a puzzled look asked "What is that?" "The thing with your face on it." So the blonde driver looks through her purse and finds an eyeshadow palette with a mirror attached and shows it to the officer. "Oh, it's okay, you're a police officer."

I ran three miles today!

Finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.

Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor

Purse joke, So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

A white girl met a black guy in the club.

He took her home and then she asked him, "Show me if it's true what they say about black men."

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

My friend and I are going to see a movie.

As we enter the theatre, we see a sign that says "no food or drink permitted."

Quietly I say, "I have a way to get around this."

To which he says, "How? It's not like we have a purse or huge pockets to hide things in."

I replied, "I've got a couple Twix up my sleeves."


A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

Tired Nurse Joke

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
Tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
Without missing a beat, she says . . .

''Well, that's great . . . Just great . . . Some asshole's got my pen

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall.

At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.

A gender studies major gets mugged

A gender studies major is walking through Central Park on her way back to campus, when a mugger jumps her. He takes her wallet and purse, but lets her keep her cellphone.

She immediately calls the police. "Was it a man or a woman?" the cop asks once he got there.

"I don't know," she says. "I didn't get to ask."

A black man picks up a girl from a nightclub...

Back at his house, she says: "show me what they say about black men is true..."
So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

Name one thing Taylor Swift doesn't have in her purse

Her boyfriend's phone number

Purse dogs...

I've heard they're pretty clutch.

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

White girl goes on a date with a black man

They have lots of fun, she takes him home, they have coffee, go up to her bedroom and she says, "Show me it's true what they say about black guys"

So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

Husband: Hey baby, hold my jock strap.

Wife: That's disgusting why would I hold your jock strap?

Husband: Well I always hold your purse for you.

Wife: That's not remotely the same.

Husband: Why not, they both hold our junk.

Credit to /u/WhistleWhileYouLurk.

A black man meets a white girl in a club.

They go back to the girls house and start making out. The girl says seductively "show me that its true what they say about Black Guys". The man then precedes to stab the girl take her purse and run off faster then the wind.

A black guy and a white girl are at a party

A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

2 blondes

A blonde was driving home when she was pulled over by a female cop, also blonde.
"Can I see your ID?" says the cop.
The blonde starts rummaging through her purse and is getting flustered. "What's it look like again?"
"It's small, rectangular and looks just like you"
The woman hands the cop a small mirror. "Like this?"
"Oh," said the cop. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a cop too."

My wife has her own purse but she is my purse-

Cause I put stuff inside

So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help

We got it off her eventually

A girl and a black man goes away for a date.

Ater the date they quickly head back to the girl's place.
Then she says,"Show me what they say about the black guys."
The Black guy then quickly stabs her and runs off with her purse.

A blonde woman was speeding

down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

I gave every penny I had to the homeless guy the other day!

Now I just have 20 $100 bills in my purse!

A Rabbi had been saving foreskin

He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his foreskin collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.

Chicago's a dangerous place.

Last time I visited I stole two cars and a lady's purse.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me.

At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

I brough my black friend home to meet my mom. She called him a drug dealer...

I told her to put her cash back in her purse.

A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."

Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"

A black guy brings a girl home from the bar. Once in the bedroom, the girl says to the black guy "Come on, let me see if what they say about black guy is true"

So the black guy stabs her and grabs her purse.

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: Let me see your driver's license.

Driver: What's that?

Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.

(

I just learnt that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay...

I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.

Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

The only thing more depressing than finding a mostly-full pack of expired condoms in your draw...

is finding an empty pack of in-date condoms in your girlfriend's purse.

A girl takes a black guy to bed

"Let's see if true what they say about black guys" she said.

So he took her purse and ran

A woman and a black man are dancing in a bar

After a bit of dancing they go back to the woman's place
They start to kiss and began to undress
Before the black man takes off his pants the woman says
Is it true what they say about black men
Yes he proceeds to stab her and steals her purse

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today.

Well, I'm assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.

How to make girls chase you ?

Take their purse and run.

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

I had to run three miles today *sigh*

Guess that lady must have really wanted the purse.....

WEATHER MONEY

Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

A: Because she expected some change in the weather.

Today a strange stranger chased me for 10 miles. which made me think

whats so precious in her purse?

A foreigner was walking around Italy

When suddenly a thief grabbed her purse and started running away
The woman shouted "Hey! It's my purse!"
The thief shouted back "It's my job!"

I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"

"How convenient," I replied. "It's fine, I'll pay."

I won't be seeing her again. But at least I have her purse, even if I had to use the money that was in it.

White woman takes a black guy home from the bar

Once they step into her house:

Woman: (shyly) So...is true what they say about black guys?

Black guy: Yes.

Then he stabs her and steals her purse.

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

The cop tells the driver "License please."

"What is a license?" the driver answers.

The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."

As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.

The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.

"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"

After so much effort and so many tries, my wife finally was able to make a handmade purse!

Now that's what you call...perseverance.

Why didn't princess Diana carry any cash?

Who would like their purse to be full with pictures of their mother-in-law?

My wife carries condoms in her purse but I had a vasectomy four years ago.

Poor thing, she has become so forgetful.

Woman meets a black guy at a bar

They talked for a while then she invited him to her apartment and said: "I want you to show me if what they say about black men is true ;)"

So he stabbed her and took her purse.

Joke translated to English from German

A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"

"What's a driving license? "

"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."

She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.

The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-

"Should have told me right away your a police officer too "

Blondes with guns

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair. Distraught, neurotic even, she goes to a gunshop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun out of her purse, and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: Shut up … you're next!

I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help!

She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I'm guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse

Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?

Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.

A blonde comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Shocked and furious, she pulls out a gun from her purse and points it at the couple on the bed. They recoil in fear.

But after a few seconds, the expression on the blondes face shifts from rage to one of sadness and despair.

She turns the gun away from the couple and points it at her own head.

Seeing this, her husband cries out, "Honey, wait...don't!"

She screams back at him, "Shut up! You're next!"

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…

It is never ok to ask a woman why she is taking her purse to the restroom

Period

I ran 3 miles yesterday

Eventually I just said here keep your purse

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. He looked at it and said: "Oh! I see you're a traffic cop too, you're free to go."

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocket and puts it in front of the priest.

Father: Don't put stolen items before me.

Thief: But Father, what if he doesn't take the purse back.

Father: Then you can keep it with you.

Thief: Thank you father.

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.

No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.

So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.

.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."

"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

I ran 3 miles this morning

Finally I turned around and said, here lady, just take your purse.

A nurse walks into a bank…

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

What does my purse and I have in common?

We're both empty inside..

A blonde driver and a blonde cop....

A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop goes up to the blonde's window and says "I need to see your license ma'am." The driver says she doesn't know what that is and the lady officer says "It's that little thing in your purse with your face in it." The driver pulls out her compact mirror and holds it up to the cop, "You mean this?" The blonde cop looks at the mirror and says, "I'm so sorry ma'am, I didn't know you were a cop, have a nice day."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the purse policewoman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working purse stolen purses piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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