Purchase Jokes
101 purchase jokes and hilarious purchase puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about purchase that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best jokes, gags, and one-liners related to the Purchase Order. Buyers can acquire an array of punchlines relating to the Louisiana Purchase and explore the newest additions to the market. Find out how you can get your own jokes and make the most out of your purchases.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Purchase Short Jokes
Short purchase jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The purchase humour may include short shop jokes also.
- How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package... My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
- Why did the EA executive cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass! - People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them "By mistake?"
"Oh come on.. Not you as well" - I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!
- I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away. He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.
- My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.
- I asked my dad, Why do you keep buying vinyl? Dad: Records are….always a sound purchase.
- I purchased some noise canceling headphones... I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.
- I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version... Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.
Share These Purchase Jokes With Friends
Purchase One Liners
Which purchase one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with purchase? I can suggest the ones about buying and bought.
- I've just purchased a house in Liverpool. It's a 2 up, 5 down.
- How does the Pope make online purchases? Using his Papal account.
- Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears? No.
The Rock pay per scissors - Apple recently purchased an island for their new HQ They're calling it iLand.
- Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph It makes you look 2D pendant
- Amongst the dumbest things I've ever purchased... was a 2020 year planner.
- Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon? They only come in quarts(z)
- Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture? The Ottoman Empire.
- So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs… It was a Rip Off
- I just purchased Big Foot repellant. Er, sorry, a camera.
- What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player? A quarter back
- I saw a pirate finally purchase Adobe Photoshop. He handed the cashier a hook and a peg.
- Where do ISIS fighters go to purchase soda and candy? Allahu snackbar!
- Louisiana purchase, call that... French Montana
- What did the obese man say about the belt he'd recently purchased? "Top notch".
Purchase Order Jokes
Here is a list of funny purchase order jokes and even better purchase order puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Barack Obama is planning to tighten gun purchase loopholes by executive order this week. Republicans are already planning to shoot it down.
Silly Purchase Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about purchase you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean invest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make purchase pranks.
What's the term for a person who prepares or purchases more food than they can eat, and can't stop themselves?
American.
Itchipussy
A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.
A Chess Shop
A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece.
The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook."
I Went To Purchase Some Camoflauge Clothes The Other Day
But I just couldn't see myself in them.
A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."
Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?
He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.
You must be single.
A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."
My boss bought an new car...
My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."
How to tell if women is single
A woman walks into a store and purchases 1 small box of detergent, 1 bar of soap, 3 individual servings of yogurt and 2 oranges. The cashier says, You must be single. She responds, You can tell that by what I bought? The cashier says, No, you're ugly.
Said to a cashier the other day...
So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"
I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"
I like my women like, I like my coffee
Illegally imported from an exotic location, and purchased amorally like a commodity.
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?
One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
Because if you purchase one of their computers, you won't be able to afford health insurance
Girlfriends are like phone apps
They come with in-app purchases, and need the reassurance of updates to function well.
An Indian man is at home...
An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.
"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"
The toilet brush
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
Once when I was a teenager
...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school t**...!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Hot, covered in cream, and purchased from a large multinational corporation with a history of exploitation
A fat British man walks into a store...
... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."
"Don't get your p**... in a bunch" is terrible advice
They're bound to be more expensive when purchased separately.
The Jew says...
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!
Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!
They all wait for the Jew to speak…
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
A friend from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me
Naturally, one of the first places we went was a cheese shop. He was being all tentative, only considering purchasing a small block of cheddar. He's never going to fit like that.
I said to him, Jesus, take the wheel.
GF: Why are you buying a puzzle when you don't have brain to play it?
BF: Do I complain when you purchase bras?
My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.
After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.
Even though it's a surplus store, I'm pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.
A single package of 160 AA batteries.
Why did the starship captain buy a sub-lightspeed propulsion system that he didn't need?
It was an impulse purchase.
For anyone who isn't aware, this is a star trek fathers day joke.
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.
When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.
I have a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle that's missing three pieces.
The pessimist said, "Three pieces are missing."
The optimist said, "Ninety-seven pieces are here."
EA said, "It's a full puzzle with three DLCs yet to be purchased."
A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..
so she purchases a p**... and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks him and returns home.
Later that evening the old woman is rushed to the emergency room with a gunshot to the left knee.
I purchased a deodorant stick today
Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I f**....
Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]
Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?
Purchased Vs. Homemade
Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.
"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."
A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.
She writes:
Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.
We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."
Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.
P.S. Please send another moose along with the first.
Male or Female Shipping
So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.
She was like what does that mean?
I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.
I think I just made this up.
Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?
Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!
I have purchased a new realistic s**... doll.
She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.
My significant other purchased a map and handed me a dart and said Throw this, and wherever it lands we're taking a trip there after the pandemic ends.
Turns out we're spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.
A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US
He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.
Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.
It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?
With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.
I think hispanic buying.
Did you know, the cheapest type of meat you can purchase is a deers b**...?
Its because they're under a buck
A man realized he needed to pu...
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, Throw this and wherever it lands—that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends.
Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.
To put it another way: it's not the big things, it's Aldi Lidl things.
Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains?
I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.
Potentially funny joke
One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?
I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money
Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust
A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working.
It made no d**... scents.
The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.
They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...
Homemade and 100% organic
Since it's my cake day, I'll give y'all a joke that I created by myself. One that tickles me.
Two car salesman were talking to each other about their sales. They were really impressed with the commissions they were making with electric cars. Then, one of them asked, "Why doesn't Dodge sell any electric vehicles?". The other salesman said, "That would be dumb. If they sold electric vehicles, they would have to give away a free Dodge Charger with each purchase!"
Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online
Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state
My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.
Every time he barks I s**... myself.
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain
He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.
Let's go way back ...
A salesman really sold me on the their new product. I bought one immediately.
The next day at lunch the guys were admiring my new purchase. "What is it?", they asked.
"It's called a "thermos". The salesman told me that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so of course I bought it."
"Wow. What do you have in it?"
"Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."
I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...
"You must be single"
"Because of what im buying?"
"No, because youre ugly"
A c**... joke I thought up.
What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?
Four old times sake.
A blonde, worried about the h**... crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking them could be painful."
A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...
..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says
"We need to buy a new tire"
the mechanical engineer says
"no, I think I can fix this one"
and the software engineer says,
"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -
I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.
Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.
Super Bowl tickets
Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church on North Avenue at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.
So a snail walks into a dealership
and purchases a car, proceeds to ask the salesman to put eggs on the front, eggs on the roof, and eggs on the trunk.
Bewildered the salesman ask, excuse but why would you want to put eggs all over your car.
Snail replies, because when I drive down the road very fast I want people to say,
Hey look at that eggs car go
