The Best 85 Purchase Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Purchase jokes. There are some purchase clerk jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these purchase corsage puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Purchase Jokes and Puns

Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)

Old, but gold

A woman goes to the market.

She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"

The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one"

A Chess Shop

A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece.

The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook."

I Went To Purchase Some Camoflauge Clothes The Other Day

But I just couldn't see myself in them.

jokes about purchase

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

Lose 7 pounds in 3 days with this one weird trick!

Step 1. Purchase mayonnaise.
Step 2. Leave mayonnaise in the sun for 5 hours. Let it really bake.
Step 3. Eat a couple spoon fulls of the mayo.
Step 4. Lose AT LEAST 7 pounds over the next 3 days!

Miserly Gift

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.

Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received an acknowledgement:

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

Purchase joke, Miserly Gift

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.

Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?

He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.

Where to purchase Natural Max Garcinia?

Get $10 off any drug purchase by using coupon code "Do you have change?"

You can explore purchase acquire reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean purchase resell dad jokes. There are also purchase puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

You must be single.

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

My boss bought an new car...

My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."

Said to a cashier the other day...

So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"

I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"

I saw a pirate finally purchase Adobe Photoshop.

He handed the cashier a hook and a peg.

My car dealer will subtract the number of upvotes from my purchase price.

When I spend more than $100 000

Purchase joke, My car dealer will subtract the number of upvotes from my purchase price.

Free Palestine!

With purchase of equal or greater value.

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

Did you hear about the arms dealer who's giving away M18 Claymores with every purchase?

Oh, I'm gonna get mines.

What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?

One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.

I Tried to Purchase Some Camouflage Clothes

But I just couldn't see myself in them.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Because if you purchase one of their computers, you won't be able to afford health insurance

The wife texts her mathematician husband to purchase eggs while he is at the grocery store

Husband: How many eggs should i get?

Wife: Please get 6!

Husband: Ok.

*1 hour later*

Husband: I can't fit all 720 eggs in the car. Can you come help me?

A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms...

...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."

A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms.

After ringing his item up the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag?"

The man responded, "No, she's not that ugly."

Purchase joke, A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms.

Where do ISIS fighters go to purchase soda and candy?

Allahu snackbar!

I just purchased Big Foot repellant.

Er, sorry, a camera.

An Indian man is at home...

An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.

"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."

I had doubts about buying a big metal cabinet with a locking door for my guns

It turned out to be a safe purchase.

What did the clerk say to young Muhammad Ali when he tried to purchase an elaborate Christmas present?

You're cashless, Clay.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

A man applies for a position at EA

When he gets to the office he meets with the interviewer.

To finish the rest of this joke please purchase the "Joke pack" for $5

I just purchased Snapchat's Shares !!!!

But Can't seem to find them !?

When a free app wants me to purchase DLC I become a copy cat

App: Buy Now!

Me: Bye Now!

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

ISIS mobile shopping app

Everything is 90% off but you can only purchase while you're driving.

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away.

He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

Once when I was a teenager

...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school tramp!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...

once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"

Why did EA Games cross the road?

Please purchase a loot crate for a chance at credits to purchase the punchline

EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.

After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings, construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from Frank Gaybeau's cocaine induced, hotel filled, 5 figure by the hour escort stuffed full on satanic orgy fest.

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.

I bought a large and expensive mirror today.

I think I'll have to reflect on my purchase today.

The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They all wait for the Jew to speak…

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.

"No, he responds. That line was even longer."

Did you know that the IRS is now offering a tax credit for those who purchase marijuana?

Yeah, all you need to do is file a joint return.

GF: Why are you buying a puzzle when you don't have brain to play it?

BF: Do I complain when you purchase bras?

Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.

The Rock pay per scissors

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

Why did the starship captain buy a sub-lightspeed propulsion system that he didn't need?

It was an impulse purchase.

For anyone who isn't aware, this is a star trek fathers day joke.

The Darknet is not depraved and nefarious as most people make it out to be...

It's all just hype... now excuse me while I go play daddy with my latest purchase

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

Why did they call the new iPhone the IPhone XS...

Because you need an excess amount of money to purchase it.

I was browsing in a gay sex shop...

And the assistant asked if I was there to purchase something specific.

"No, I'm just buy curious", I replied.

How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?

Call customer service to dispute the purchase.

My new Thanksgiving Purchase sucks :(

It's a new Vacuum cleaner which doesn't suck.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S. Please send another moose along with the first.

What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player?

A quarter back

So I purchased a DVD called Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

My wife was furious at my impulse purchase of a revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

My wife was upset at my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today's investment will pay big dividends!

Greetings, good sir ! I would like to purchase one can from your shop.

-Of course, here you go.

-Thank you. Now, how do I open it ?

-Instructions are inside.

I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.

Did you know, the cheapest type of meat you can purchase is a deers balls?

Its because they're under a buck

A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

Potentially funny joke

One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".

The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"

"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.

Let's go way back ...

A salesman really sold me on the their new product. I bought one immediately.

The next day at lunch the guys were admiring my new purchase. "What is it?", they asked.

"It's called a "thermos". The salesman told me that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, so of course I bought it."

"Wow. What do you have in it?"

"Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

A crappy joke I thought up.

What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?

Four old times sake.

So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs…

It was a Rip Off

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the purchase store puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working purchase dealership piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes