Puns

funny jokes about puns and hilarious stories

INTRODUCTION

What are puns jokes? Puns jokes are one of the most funny and hilarious. Here is list with the top 10 puns jokes to have fun with friends and family. Most famous pranks about puns ever. Funniest puns sayings and gags.

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BEST PUNS JOKES

What are the best puns jokes? First are the Top 10 jokes about Puns of all time. They are selected among the best puns ever told. Below are some new and well-known pranks.

Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant!"
Husband: "You're kidding me!"

communication happiness kids marriage

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.

car death love work

What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.

animal winter

668 – The neighbour of the beast.

dirty women

What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.

dirty flirty sex

Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course!

animal Easter

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

food school

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

life sex

Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice...

communication insults rude

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

animal attitude people sport
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NEW PUNS JOKES

Top 10 Latest Puns jokes

Me: "You said dress for the job you want." Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

How did the reporter kill himself? Noosepaper.

The next tropical cyclone should be named after you. It would be less fatal than your face.

When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?

Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing.

If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his shit packed.

Just saw a heavyset man carrying loads of weapons, even had one hanging out of his backside... it was big arse 'n' all.

Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

What does "reading comprehension" even mean?

I know I know, smoking's bad for me and all. But, my mama told me never to be a quitter.

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PUNS JOKES THAT ARE...

Puns jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

20 BEST SARCASTIC PUNS JOKES

20 Best Brilliant sarcastic puns and sarcasm jokes.

I know I know, smoking's bad for me and all. But, my mama told me never to be a quitter.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? A carpenter can cover up the holes he screws.

How did the reporter kill himself? Noosepaper.

Pork and Leek... great flavor for sausages... lousy brand name for condoms.

Trump invited Putin to Washington because it's customary to take a tour of your new home before you move in.

Password looks at itself in the mirror:
"Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

Did you hear about the guy who got killed and cut into pieces and stuffed into a zipper bag? His lips were sealed.

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet? The bullet gets out of the chamber.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted.

Here's a step by step guide to walking up the stairs, step 1) Right foot, step 2) Left foot, step 3) Right foot...

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."

Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".

Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.

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20 BEST DIRTY PUNS JOKES

20 Best Dirtiest puns of all time.

668 – The neighbour of the beast.

What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

Why do gay men fake orgasms? Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!

I'm no weatherman but I know you're going to get 3 inches tonight.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

What did one boob say to the other boob? You are my breast friend!

I used to work at a company called 69, my friend took over my position.

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock.

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

Is the last thing that Tickle Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory two test tickles?

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Why is a blonde like a railway track? She gets laid all over the country.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.

Have you ever tried camping sex? No, well its fucking in tents!

What do you call a snowman orgy? A snowball fight.

My wife had her period at a Manchester United game, and all I got was this bloody t-shirt.

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20 BEST STUPID PUNS JOKES

20 Best Funny puns about stupidity.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.

I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...

Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.

Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.

Sperm is white and pee is yellow so a man can tell if he's coming or going.

Has anyone heard the news about a festival in the US where a girl got her head stuck on a truck oversized tailpipe? Apparently she was exhausted...

I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.

They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...

I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came... Then it hit me!

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on. I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on the sand.

Why did the farmer only wear one boot to town? He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!

My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I've never even seen a werewolf.

People often ask me if my French jokes are immature... wee.

I'd stand in a room amongst a group of people and say "hey do you guys want to see a joke?" Then walk out of the room, then walk back in whilst presenting myself in a grand fashion. "Et voila."

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.

Kyle: "Dude, why is my netflix DVD out in the snow?"
Ben: "Well, I heard the coolest thing on the internet right now is netflix and CHILL!"

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20 BEST RACIST PUNS JOKES

20 Best Puns that are racist.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.

What is a baptized Mexican called? Bean dip.

I'm not racist, I have a colored tv.

I hate cocaine dealers. Always sticking their business into other people's noses.

What's a cocoon? Same as a n-nigger.

If you wrote essay about chinese food,what would it call? Dogcument.

What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go into a store without robin.

Q: Why don't blacks fuck Afghans? A: Because they are going to make you blow.

What do you get when a black person and a samoan have kids? Sum mo niggaz.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it's hard to understand him - he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Black magic.... It doesn't work.

If the koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

It's amazing how one letter can change the whole meaning of a word, I once introduced myself as a racist, obviously meaning rapist.

What did the Asian parent say during the DNA test? That's Yu!

What do you call a 5-gallon drum stuffed full of white people? A cracker barrel.

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20 BEST RUDE PUNS JOKES

20 Best Rudest of all puns.

Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice...

To all the Dads out there, Happy Father's Day... you mother fuckers.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What's most interesting song? My girlfriend 's fart.

I asked my pilot if he'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. He replied, "I don't give a flying fuck."

What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet? The bullet gets out of the chamber.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - "drive in the opposite direction then" he said.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Me: "You said dress for the job you want." Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.

I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.

What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

What do you call your sister if she only has one leg? Eileen.

I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

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PUNS JOKES ABOUT

What are Puns jokes about? Puns is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about puns.

Are Puns jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring puns joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read puns jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with puns jokes on YouTube.

TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT ANIMAL

TOP 20 Funny puns and jokes about cat, dog, fish, bear, cow and all other animals.

What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!

Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course!

Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.

What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A hot dog!

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.

What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood!

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What dog can't bark? A hot dog.

Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

Where do fish work? The offish.

Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!

Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.

Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.

Where do cows go on their summer vacation? Moo York.

Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.

What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

Why are fish never good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net.

Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!

Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

What do you call a black baby pig? A niglett.

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because KFC was on the other side.

I once hit a bat with a bat.

What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

If you cross an owl and a rooster, do you get a cock that stays up all night?

What do crabs smoke? Seaweed.

What kind of fish can't swim? A dead one.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

What did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail? Rough, rough!

What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish!

Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side!

I thought I understood the meaning of "When Pigs Fly" but then... the swine flu.

Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!

The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.

What summer vacation destination makes a pet bird sing for joy? The Canary Islands!

I once crashed into a cow pasture. I was in for a beef of trouble.

Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.

I can't jump over a cow, but you should check out my calves.

If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte?

What does a cow say to bull? Are you always that horn-ny!

What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant.

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? A pimp.

Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack.

Why did the turkey play drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!

Why did the lion broke up with his girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah!

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Brontosoarass.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? "Shall we prey!"

What did one squirrel say to the other? Come around the tree and I'll show you my nuts.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because of the lactose.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

What do you call dog meat? Pet food.

Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.

Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.

Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican... I ended up footing a massive bill.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn't afford plane fare.

They are doing a sequel to Finding Dory where she discovers she has cancer and searches for a cure. It's called Finding Chemo.

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

Is Japan looking for you? Cause you're on a whale watch.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

What do you call a bird at a party? A party fowl.

What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

Did you hear about the monkey with a steak on his head, thought he was a grills?

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!

What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

Two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the week cave.

Why don't animals play poker in Africa? Because they're cheetahs.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.

Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I've never even seen a werewolf.

Someone says to his friend: "I bought a cat"
And the other: "You have to be kitten me!"

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TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT FOOD

TOP 20 Funny food puns.

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Pork and Leek... great flavor for sausages... lousy brand name for condoms.

What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

What dog can't bark? A hot dog.

What is a baptized Mexican called? Bean dip.

What kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies!

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!

Why was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin.

Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!

Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.

Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food.

If you wrote essay about chinese food,what would it call? Dogcument.

How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because KFC was on the other side.

Today I have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.

Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito.
A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.

I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny.

What do you call dog meat? Pet food.

Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.

What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!

There was an outbreak of food poisoning among the world leaders at the recent summit. During the food preparation, they feared what the Russians Putin May Merkel Trump.

What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.

I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it.

Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!

What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

What do you call Dinner and Breakfast? Dickfeast!

I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE!

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.

I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.

Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle.

I thought it was my birthday cake but it was just the shed on fire.

Did you hear about the monkey with a steak on his head, thought he was a grills?

What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.

A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad 'e ate 'er...

What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert.
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.

What cake makes you feel uncomfortable? Stomachache.

I hope you like beef because we will eat that when we meat.

Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts? Because I like to rest mine on the table.

I went to a party and met apple there. I asked him to buy me a vodka, but Damn! He gave me a fruit punch.

What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her...

Ice-T was diagnosed with Parkinsons. Now he's using the stage name Chocolate Shake.

What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!

Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!

Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

Chinese takeaway - £27.50. Petrol to get there - £3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless...

I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese!

What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.

What is an alien's favorite candy? A Mars bar!

What do you call someone who is afraid of picnics? A basket case!

Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.

I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.

How do you get a couple of fat birds into bed? Piece of cake.

Tea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing.

Saying "super size it" at the drive-thru doesn't work when it's a pharmacy.

If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.

Why did the M&M go to school? Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!

Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

We shouldn't make fun of fat people because they already have enough on their plate.

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

Do you know how to lose weight... fast.

Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.

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TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT KIDS

TOP 20 Puns for kids which are clean and appropriate.

Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant!"
Husband: "You're kidding me!"

Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.

Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

I'd call someone pregnant "totally fucked".

I figure I might need a new kidney in 30 years, so I've decided to have a kid.

Swallowing your babies is fatal.

I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.

I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.

Why can't ghost have babies? Because they have Halloweenies.

I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

People often ask me if my French jokes are immature... wee.

I'm sure my neighbor Nicholas is trying to poison me... You're such an Arse, Nick.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

My girlfriend told me she was going to get pregnant and if wouldn't do it, she was going to the sperm bank! Boy, I gave her a mouth full!

I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

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TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT LOVE

TOP 20 Love puns to say I love you with a joke.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

Q: Why do manly ghosts have so much trouble dating?
A: Women can see right through them!

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

What's most interesting song? My girlfriend 's fart.

Just had a date with a woman who welds for a living and oh my, were the sparks flying.

I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical.

Why did the lion broke up with his girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah!

I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

My girlfriend asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick! She still hasn't talked to me!

Why do Republicans spend so much money on bathroom fixtures? They really love the Grand Old Potty!

If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high.

I thought about my ex-girlfriend today, then I wiped my ads and flushed the toilet.

I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.

I once dated a woman who uses a nightlight. What a turn off.

If you are having a blind date on a glacier. Don't break the ice.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

There is 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you I LOVE YOU.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!

What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed looked.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Frank: "Emilia how many boyfriends do you have?"
Emilia: "You are the only one."
Frank: "I love you."
Emilia: "I love you too."
Frank: "Two? Why then do you say am the only one."

I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right.

I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her...

How can you tell if a novel is about a homosexual? The hero always gets his man in the end.

Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

More love jokes or go to table of contents

TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT BIRTHDAY

TOP 20 Funny birthday puns to say Happy Birthday.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

This is my backstory of how I discovered anal sex.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

What will it take to reunite Nirvana? Two more bullets.

Was invited to a birthday party last evening but didn't have a Blast. Hardly any Bombs!

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born

I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

I thought it was my birthday cake but it was just the shed on fire.

More birthday jokes or go to table of contents

TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT CHRISTMAS

TOP 20 Funny Christmas puns.

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? St. O'Claus!

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down!

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

More christmas jokes or go to table of contents

TOP 20 PUNS JOKES ABOUT HALLOWEEN

TOP 20 Funny Halloween puns.

What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

Q: Why do manly ghosts have so much trouble dating?
A: Women can see right through them!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
A: It had no body to dance with!

Why can't ghost have babies? Because they have Halloweenies.

I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

More halloween jokes or go to table of contents

CONCLUSION

Best of 921 Funny Puns. Best puns and one liners jokes which are absolutely hillarious and punny. Puns for kids, animals, food, love and birthday along with big pun for Christmas and Halloween.

You've read some of the best puns jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of jokes about puns. Most of the jokes are suitable for kids, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read jokes for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty puns jokes to your kids.

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