Punishment Jokes
109 punishment jokes and hilarious punishment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about punishment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Punishment Short Jokes
Short punishment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The punishment humour may include short penalty jokes also.
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
- My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
- My joke about capital punishment got downvoted. I guess it was great concept, poor execution.
- Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl "For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "
- The student and the teacher. JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not. "
JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...." - Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men. There is a three year waiting list.
- I've been a bad girl, she said, I need to be punished. So I signed her up for a Comcast account.
- I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory.... I just have problems with its execution.
- What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson? Harambe got punished for touching little kids.
- I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid? rearrange the furniture
Share These Punishment Jokes With Friends
Punishment One Liners
Which punishment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with punishment? I can suggest the ones about vengeance and discipline.
- How are blind kids punished by their parents? The parents move the furniture.
- How do parents punish their blind child? They rearranged the furniture.
- Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself? He was already suspended.
- My wife isn't talking to me Funny thing is, she thinks she's punishing me.
- What should you do if someone hates on your puns? Punish them.
- What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD? A concentration camp
- Why is it difficult to punish vampires? They can't reflect on what they've done.
- How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture.
- What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States? Multiple mothers-in-law.
- Has anyone noticed that (i) looks like (I) that's been beheaded? Capital punishment?
- What is the punishment for bigamy? Two wives.
- What do you call a bad pun? Punishment.
- What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition? Capitol Punishment
- How do parents punish their blind kid? The rearrange the furniture in the house
- I can't stop making puns Some say it's a gift. Some say it's a punishment
Howlingly Hilarious Punishment Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about punishment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean revenge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make punishment pranks.
TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.
Great idea; terrible execution.
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her for misbehavior?
They re-arrange the furniture around the house.
local parish
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a b**...." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but b**... was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a b**.... The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
Busted!
A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.
They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
Man goes to his son and asks 'Did you tip over the outhouse'?
Son says, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek'. Father says 'That's it, you're going to the woodshed for some serious a**...-whuppin!' 'But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn't get punished!' 'George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree!'
On the back of u/baldillin
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?
A: the defendant
Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)
For the young and/or foreign:
Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act defined as punishable under criminal law.
Is it true that there was free speech in the Soviet Union and the US?
Yes, in principle. In the US, you can stand in front of the White House and shout, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Similarly, in the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square and shout, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
So I heard Charles Manson is getting married..
Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong enough punishment either.
An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
How did Helen Keller get punished?
Her mom rearranged the living room
I read this joke in a 1974 p**... magazine today.
An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"
"I've been a very bad girl. I need to be punished." She said...
"Very well.." I replied.. installing windows 8 on her laptop.
I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today
s**... capital punishment
My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with l**....
It was a real gelt trip.
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
Glue doorknobs to the walls.
A court ruled that sharing click-baits is punishable by death.
What happens next will shock you.
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..
but enough about the Church ..
There are no gay people in Russia...
There are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that.
Cr
The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant..
I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.
Wife: He makes puns all the time
Therapist: You should punish him
Husband: But every punishment to be different
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.
This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of w**...?
You would be s**... to death.
Why should polygamy be legal?
Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!
How do you punish a pet rock
You hit rock bottom
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book
I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea
Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death
A Jewish man's mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges...
The judge says, Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange. Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, WAIT! The whole room is shocked. What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment? Asks the judge. Oh No. I think it's very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...
Little Johnny's teacher asks,
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
How do parents punish their blind children for bad behaviour?
They rearange the furniture.
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA
You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day...
and asks "Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"
"Of course not" says the teacher.
"Good," says Little Johnny, "cause I didn't do my homework."
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
God's punishment
God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.
How do you punish your coffee beans?
You ground it.
Donald Trump is convicted of treason
His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus
but I think they really nailed it.
An old man dies and wakes up in a strange ethereal world.
The first thing he sees is another old man with a curvaceous young lady on his lap.
'This must be heaven!' he exclaims, 'Is she your reward?'
'No,' replies the other old man, 'We're in h**... and I'm her punishment!'
I was misbehaving in class...
I was misbehaving in class one day, and was sent out of the classroom to the head's office.
He said to me This is the 4th time this week! We're going to have to take this further. I'm going to call your father and ask him to come down so we can discuss your punishment.
I can't wait to meet him!
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
My Middle Eastern dad has learned English from watching infomercials.
So when I would get in trouble as a kid and get punished, he would finish by saying "But wait, there's more!"
A man was sent to h**... after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
What a joke! he said. I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman. Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...
insufficiently.
My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any C s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.
He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.
Duchess
It's my cake day, so here's a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven't seen it any other places:
A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he'll be severely punished. The man then says to the judge, If I can't call the Duchess a pig, would I still get punished for calling a pig Duchess?
The judge publicly rules that he can indeed call a pig Duchess.
On his way out of the courtroom, the man walks by the royal plaintiff, tips his hat, and says Good day, Duchess.
God has a meeting with the board of Archangels. He turns to Archangel Joe.
G : "So where are you at with the punishment list for the 2020s??"
J : "All done"
G : "What?"
J : "Yeah, all the punishments for 2020 have been passed"
G : *facepalms* "That was supposed to be for the whole decade not one year you idiot."
So I learned some interesting things today
I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete out, where one out of every ten men would be executed. It seemed like there was definitely some kind of joke or word play I could make out of that, but I couldn't find any.
There was no pun in ten dead.
A guy murders his parents.
He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.
The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"
The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."
What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice?
A gluten for punishment
If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed m**..., would the punishment still be the same?
I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?
A woman goes to confession...
The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."
George Washington admits he chopped down the cherry tree.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Little Johnny: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7
Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.
Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?
One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
