Punish Jokes
78 punish jokes and hilarious punish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about punish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Punish Short Jokes
Short punish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The punish humour may include short penalty jokes also.
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
- My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
- My joke about capital punishment got downvoted. I guess it was great concept, poor execution.
- The student and the teacher. JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not. "
JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...." - I've been a bad girl, she said, I need to be punished. So I signed her up for a Comcast account.
- I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory.... I just have problems with its execution.
- What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson? Harambe got punished for touching little kids.
- My Middle Eastern dad has learned English from watching infomercials. So when I would get in trouble as a kid and get punished, he would finish by saying "But wait, there's more!"
- A woman goes to confession... The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."
- Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
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Punish One Liners
Which punish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with punish? I can suggest the ones about forgive and revenge.
- How are blind kids punished by their parents? The parents move the furniture.
- Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself? He was already suspended.
- My wife isn't talking to me Funny thing is, she thinks she's punishing me.
- What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD? A concentration camp
- Why is it difficult to punish vampires? They can't reflect on what they've done.
- How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture.
- What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States? Multiple mothers-in-law.
- What is the punishment for bigamy? Two wives.
- What do you call a bad pun? Punishment.
- What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition? Capitol Punishment
- How do parents punish their blind kid? The rearrange the furniture in the house
- I can't stop making puns Some say it's a gift. Some say it's a punishment
- What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice? A gluten for punishment
- Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment... Or is that a Private matter ?
- Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment? Owlcatraz
Hilarious Punish Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about punish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reward jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make punish pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A punishment should always fit the crime.
If someone cuts in line, you cut their brake line.
How did Anne Frank's parents punish her?
They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
Why didn't Anne Frank have any kids?
The plunger went all the way through.
...she fainted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
Time to pun-ish you all!
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, "Hey! No ropes in here!" So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it's short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walked back into the bar. The bartender looked at it and asked, "Are you a rope?" The rope responded, "I am a frayed knot."
A man walked into Denny's shortly before christmas. He was seated and ordered eggs benedict. He was surprised when the waiter brought his food out on a shiny, new hubcap. When he inquired as to why, the waiter responded, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and Bob goes to golfing..
Everytime Bob misses, he cries "g**..., I missed!"
This disturbs the priest and tells Bob not to use God's name for something so tiny. But still, Bob misses and cries "g**..., I missed!" Priest gets angry and thinks of a plan to stop Bob. He thinks praying to God is the best choice. So he prays :"Oh, mighty god! Stop Bob's idioticy and punish him!" As he says that, a lighthing comes from above and kills the priest. Bob is shocked hears a sound from above so he looks up. "g**..., I missed!"
The most cruel punishment
A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say "Ok.''
The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says "I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, "Who's he going to tell?''
A teacher is scolding a young boy for telling lies...
Teacher: George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Ben, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Ben: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Punishment
Not talking to your husband to punish him is like trying to kill a fish by drowning!
Shoplifting.
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replys, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?" The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served. The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband says your honor, "She stole a can of peas too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did King Trident punish Ariel?
He found her stash of sea w**....
Who punishes Colorado underage smokers?
COPD
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A few Helen Keller jokes. Feel free to add your own!
1. "Did you know Helen Keller had a really fancy doll house?"
"Neither did she.
2. "Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?"
"You would too if your name was BALLRUGEKLHEBSKLH!"
3. "How do you punish Helen Keller?"
"Rearrange the furniture and keep a plunger in the toilet."
Up at a Carpathian Monastery...
A particularly strict abbot plans to punish a fellow brother for running out of morning prayer to use the outhouse. So the abbot tells him:
"Brother, I'm going to ask you to make a handwritten copy of our sacred text in light of your actions this morning. You will abstain from sleep during this time."
Begrudgingly, the monk walks into the library and starts on the manuscript.
Two days later, during morning prayer, the same monk runs into the prayer room, frantic and in tears. The abbot asks:
"Brother, are you okay? What is wrong?"
The monk grabs the abbot by the shoulders and shakes him as he says in tears:
"THE WORD WAS CELEBRATE, BROTHER, CELEBRATE."
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
By leaving a plunger in the toilet
How does Hellen Keller's dad punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
The NHL's ability to punish players.
Home Work Jokes
jemi:Teacher,would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher,ofcourse not.
Jemi:Good because I didn't do my home work.
How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone?
It was a run-on sentence.
For not doing anything.
Student: Teacher, would you punish me for not doing anything?
Teacher: Definitely not.
Student: I haven't done my assignment.
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
They gave her a basketball and told her to read.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Father comes home from work
To find the tv broken and his wife looking furious with their child.
"What happened?" The father asked.
"Our son broke the tv playing the Wii" she replied.
"Did he have the s**...?"
"No, I thought Id let you punish him"
A Rabbi on Yom Kippur
Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'
Wife: He makes puns all the time
Therapist: You should punish him
Husband: But every punishment to be different
The pun-ishment of notes
When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you punish a pet rock
You hit rock bottom
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book
Little Johnny asks his teacher
Little Johnny asks his teacher, "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
"Of course not, Johnny," she responds.
"Great, because I didn't do my homework."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny accidentally enters his parents room and is shocked by what he saw
"Mom you are doing this and you punish me for s**... my finger" he shouted
Little Johnny's teacher asks,
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What should you do if someone hates on your puns?
Punish them.
What did the baker do to punish his electrician son?
Beat him with a breadboard
Punish
Did you hear about the pervert who killed the giraffe?
He was a necrophile
How does the russian mother punish her kid who got bad grades at school?
Nietflix.
How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?
He gave him a harsh sentence.
A blonde was being attacked by a bird so she finally caught it
And to punish it she went to the top of a skyscraper and threw it off the edge!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A serial r**... was caught and put on trial
and the prosecutor asked the r**... "What inspired you to do what you did?"
He replied, "Your honor, I couldn't have r**... those women because I am gay!"
A look of relief spread across the judge's face and he leaned back contently in his chair... "Finally, some biblical justification to punish you!"
They usually don't punish a doctor for losing a patient
But they immediately fired me, being a gynecologist is difficult.
Based on a true story.
Back in 2010, I had this history teacher who hated me. He would always single me out and pick on me in front of the class, and as a result I hated his lessons and ended up failing.
One day he decided I wasn't paying enough attention in class, and decided to punish me. I can't say I was surprised by this, but his methods were rather unconventional.
My teacher decided the best way to punish me, a failing student, for not paying attention in class, was to have me do a presentation on a topic not covered in the curriculum. I was completely taken aback because this form of punishment was unheard of.
The topic in question?
The Spanish Inquisition.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the pun-ishment for doing drugs in Roman times?
You would get s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What to do when your child misbehaves.
Punish them by calling them "Made in China" for a week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Put her in a circular room and tell her there's a penny in the corner.
How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her?
She left the plunger in the toilet.
As a punishment I was once made to answer a difficult question while riding up and down the elevator.
....
It was wrong on so many levels.
....
Why is Punisher the funniest Marvel character?
Because he has the best punchlines.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best punishment for a s**... attempt?
Death sentence
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
I figured out how to control the weather.
Whenever the wind does something I want it to do, I reward it.
Whenever it does something I don't want it to do I punish it.
Eventually the wind learns to do what I want it to do.
I call it "air conditioning".
Mondays
God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soul is sent to h**....
"Get me the manager! I demand to know why I am in h**...!" the soul shouted.
The fallen angel sighed. "We rebelled against God."
"That's no reason to punish me!"
"You do not understand. You were not sent here to be punished by us. You were sent here as punishment to us."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
What punishment was given to the electrician?
He got grounded.
What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?
He got suspendered.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl
"For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian man dies
Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to h**.... There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Russian winter. But Russia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "h**... is freeze! Russia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in h**..., only Russia.
