Punctuate Jokes

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "Woman without her man is nothing."
The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Chuck Norris texts with punctuation.

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.
The teacher asks him, what's that?
Timmy then replies, it's a period!
Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?
Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my sister said she missed hers. Mommy fainted, Daddy got a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself in the head.

Humour in grammar

An intelligent cynical physician is responsible for an almost miraculous recovery of his patient from a coma. Recognising his doc's role in his well-being, the patient invites his saviour to his wedding. Ever contemptuous of marriage, the physician types in his report, "Patient punctuated sturdy progress from coma with a full stop"

Bad grammar / punctuation

Girl: I don't think I'd date a guy who cares if I have grammar or punctuation.
Guy: Well I don't think I'd date a girl who's bad at punctuation. What if she misses her period and doesn't realize it?
[ORIGINAL VERSION WITH ERROR]
Girl: I don't think I'd date a guy who cares if I have grammar or punctuation.
Guy: Well I don't think I'd date a girl who's bad at punctuation. What if she gets her period and doesn't realize it?

What's a crohn's patient's favourite punctuation?

A semi-colon!

How do punctuation marks get freaky?

The comma sutra

Punctuation is important...

A missed period should always raise alarm.

What is punctuation's favorite curry?

L&a

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party.
The party is for Asterisks only, and only Asterisks can enter.
At some time the doorbell rings. One Asterisk opens the door and sees a Dot.
The Asterisk says to the Dot:
"I'm sorry, you cannot enter, this party is for Asterisks only"
And the Dot says: "idiot, it's me! I put gel in my hair!"

Step 1) Get a job selling punctuation marks.

Step 2) ??????
Step 3) Profit.

Why are girls so good at punctuation?

Because they remember to never skip a period!

What do you call it when Christopher Walken uses too much punctuation?

"...a, Tragedy, of, the Commas!"

Here's my review of EA

Sorry EA but if you want the review it'll be $5.99 for each letter and $7.99 for each punctuation and comma

Punctuation matters

The panda eats shoots and leaves.
The panda eats, shoots and leaves.
#thuglifepanda

Did you hear about Santa's little brother?

Did you hear about Santa's little brother who refused to speak well, punctuate properly, or use proper syntax?
He's the insubordinate Claus.

Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks?

It was a comma dating.

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.
She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.
He asked: Why are periods so important?
The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?
Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

An English professor wrote these words...

a woman without her man is nothing
On the board and asked his students to punctuate correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote a woman, without her man, is nothing.
However, all of the women wrote, a woman: without her, man is nothing.

What happens when American punctuation meets British punctuation?

Menopause.

My favourite punctuation mark is the period

What would it be called if all punctuation was distributed equally?

Comma - unism

Even though words, punctuations and phrases haven't done anything wrong....

they still get sentenced.

What's a convict's favorite punctuation mark?

What's a woman's least favourite punctuation?

Period.

What is a doctors favorite punctuation mark?

A colon

Why didn't the man ever finish his thought?

He hated punctuation.

"Can we eat Grandma"

"Can we eat Grandma?"
Punctuation is important.

Why do monks wake up so early and have such an orderly day punctuated with regular prayer times?

Well they are creatures of habit after all.

What kind of punctuation do you use in a half-assed sentence?

A semi-colon.

We were doing presentations on punctuation

And our teacher asked if any of us have period

Today is national punctuation awareness day...

I tried to think of an appropriate joke, but there's nothing funny about national punctuation awareness day. Period.

Wow this sentence doesn't contain any punctuation at all it's so cool I should write like this more often heck it saves ink too

What punctuation are you most likely to get the grammar wrong for?

asteRISk

I really think road signs should start adding punctuation.

Here are some examples:
STOP!
Slow, children playing.
Deer Crossing,

It's been many moons since I've felt your touch. The nights are short, and the days are hard. All I want is to get back to you, but I fear I may not make it out alive.

I was talking to my friend

I was talking to my friend about my recent visit to my grandfather's ranch and was describing my experience there.
I told him that how I had helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse and was rewarded a horse ride for it.
My friend immediately looked at me in disgust and confusion.
Turns out punctuation is very very important for English grammar.

An English professor wrote on the board: A woman without her man is nothing.

The class was then asked to punctuate the sentence.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."