Punctuate Jokes

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Chuck Norris texts with punctuation.

Italian Wedding Invitation (must be read aloud, including punctuation marks)

**You, wedding Rosa mister.**

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.
The teacher asks him, what's that?
Timmy then replies, it's a period!
Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?
Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my sister said she missed hers. Mommy fainted, Daddy got a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself in the head.

A couple of old guys sat at the bar...

Ernest pops up with a comment "George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"
They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip.
Ernest says "When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."
A few minutes later, he says "Now I can bend it with one finger!"
Another few sips and he says "George, how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?"

Humour in grammar

An intelligent cynical physician is responsible for an almost miraculous recovery of his patient from a coma. Recognising his doc's role in his well-being, the patient invites his saviour to his wedding. Ever contemptuous of marriage, the physician types in his report, "Patient punctuated sturdy progress from coma with a full stop"

Bad grammar / punctuation

Girl: I don't think I'd date a guy who cares if I have grammar or punctuation.
Guy: Well I don't think I'd date a girl who's bad at punctuation. What if she misses her period and doesn't realize it?
[ORIGINAL VERSION WITH ERROR]
Girl: I don't think I'd date a guy who cares if I have grammar or punctuation.
Guy: Well I don't think I'd date a girl who's bad at punctuation. What if she gets her period and doesn't realize it?

"Can we have 'Punctuation s**...' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation s**...?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

What's a crohn's patient's favourite punctuation?

A semi-colon!

How do punctuation marks get freaky?

The comma sutra

Punctuation is important...

A missed period should always raise alarm.

My missus has a punctuation f**...

Whenever she has a period, I get to use the colon.

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party.
The party is for Asterisks only, and only Asterisks can enter.
At some time the doorbell rings. One Asterisk opens the door and sees a Dot.
The Asterisk says to the Dot:
"I'm sorry, you cannot enter, this party is for Asterisks only"
And the Dot says: "idiot, it's me! I put gel in my hair!"

Punctuation

Let's eat Grandpa
Let's eat, Grandpa.
Correct punctuation can save a person's life .

Step 1) Get a job selling punctuation marks.

Step 2) ??????
Step 3) Profit.

A f**... is the only b**... function which has its own punctuation.

The skid mark.

What do you call it when Christopher Walken uses too much punctuation?

"...a, Tragedy, of, the Commas!"

Here's my review of EA

Sorry EA but if you want the review it'll be $5.99 for each letter and $7.99 for each punctuation and comma

Punctuation matters

The panda eats shoots and leaves.
The panda eats, shoots and leaves.
#thuglifepanda

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a f**... Inquiry

Did you hear about Santa's little brother?

Did you hear about Santa's little brother who refused to speak well, punctuate properly, or use proper syntax?
He's the insubordinate Claus.

s**... positions for grammar n**...

There was once a book written in ancient India about s**... positions using punctuation marks.
It was called the comma sutra.

What do most criminals do at the end of their sentences?

Add a punctuation mark.

Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks?

It was a comma dating.

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.
She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.
He asked: Why are periods so important?
The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?
Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

Punctuation is important when answering questions.

If a woman asks you what sort of picture you want her to send you...
"n**..., baby" sounds a lot better than "n**... baby".

An English professor wrote these words...

a woman without her man is nothing
On the board and asked his students to punctuate correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote a woman, without her man, is nothing.
However, all of the women wrote, a woman: without her, man is nothing.

Two punctuation marks went out on the town

They were a comma dating

What happens when American punctuation meets British punctuation?

Menopause.

My favourite punctuation mark is the period

What would it be called if all punctuation was distributed equally?

Comma - unism

Punctuation can make a big difference in the meaning of a sentence

For example:
Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat punctuation.

Even though words, punctuations and phrases haven't done anything wrong....

they still get sentenced.

What's a woman's least favourite punctuation?

Period.

What is a lumberjack's favorite punctuation?

An axelamation mark!

What is a doctors favorite punctuation mark?

A colon

The importance of punctuation...

... is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse or helping your uncle j**... a horse.

Why do monks wake up so early and have such an orderly day punctuated with regular prayer times?

Well they are creatures of habit after all.

Last night I was with a chick, and she said No, don't stop!

The next morning I got hit with a r**... charge. That's when I knew I was terrible at punctuation.

Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference

Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse .

What kind of punctuation do you use in a half-assed sentence?

A semi-colon.

Punctuation can really change a sentence, eg: I love to eat, Grandma becomes...

I love to eat punctuation

We were doing presentations on punctuation

And our teacher asked if any of us have period

Today is national punctuation awareness day...

I tried to think of an appropriate joke, but there's nothing funny about national punctuation awareness day. Period.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

What punctuation are you most likely to get the grammar wrong for?

asteRISk

Capital letters and punctuation.

The difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.

I really think road signs should start adding punctuation.

Here are some examples:
STOP!
Slow, children playing.
Deer Crossing,

It's been many moons since I've felt your touch. The nights are short, and the days are hard. All I want is to get back to you, but I fear I may not make it out alive.

I was talking to my friend

I was talking to my friend about my recent visit to my grandfather's ranch and was describing my experience there.
I told him that how I had helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse and was rewarded a horse ride for it.
My friend immediately looked at me in disgust and confusion.
Turns out punctuation is very very important for English grammar.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender "What's the WiFi password?"

The bartender replies "you need to buy a beer first"
So the guy buys a beer and asks again "so what's the WiFi password?"
The bartender replies "you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no punctuation."

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, what's the WiFi password?

The bartender replies, you need to buy a beer first.
So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, what's the WiFi password?
The bartender replies, you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.

Punctuation is so important

I learned that when I helped my uncle j**... a horse

I'm giving up m**... for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

What is a criminal's favorite punctuation mark?

The period. It marks the end of his sentence.

i've given up m**... for an entire month

sorry. bad punctuation.
i'm giving up! m**... for an entire month.

Giving up

I'm giving up drinking for an entire month.
Sorry, poor punctuation.
I'm giving up! Drinking for an entire month.

An English professor wrote on the board: A woman without her man is nothing.

The class was then asked to punctuate the sentence.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Too bad punctuations couldn't fight each other. Imagine a match between . and :

I'd pay to see that b**... s**....

What's a prisoner's favourite piece of punctuation?

Periods, exclamation marks, or question marks - whichever one ends the sentence quicker.

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Punctuation saves lives.

For example, there is a big difference in:
Let's eat Grandma!
and
Let's eat punctuation!