Punched Jokes

Following is our collection of punch humor and shiner one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Punched puns for adults, dirty fists jokes or clean titsburgh gags for kids.

There is an abundance of holed jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes on punched. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any toybox witze you can hear about punched.

The Best jokes about Punched

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".

I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.


I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl...not on my watch.

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

I lost my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

I lost my watch at a party once..

I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch.

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.


I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, "Sank you," so I punched him in the face.

I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

A guy comes home with two black eyes.

A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her butt crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.

He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.

He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."

2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."


I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn't even hear her come home!

My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face

I'm lack toes intolerant

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."

My sister is pregnant, and suddenly said, He's kicking!

So I punched her in the stomach. Can't believe her son thinks it's okay to hit women.

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school

So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money

I lost my watch at a party once.

About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while harassing a woman. Infuriated, I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.

I held a door open for an Asian guy

and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

A man comes home to his wife with two black eyes

The wife freaks out but calms down enough to ask what happened. The man says well i was in the mall today on the escalator and there was this cute girl in front of me and she had her skirt tucked into her but. I pulled it out for her and she turned around and punched me in the eye. The wife says yeah i approve of that but how did you get the second one? The man says well i figured she liked it that way and pushed it back in.

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive

Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me

St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?

The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

I lost my watch at a party...

Saw a guy stepping on it while bullying a smaller dude. I walked up to the guy, and punched him. It's not okay to bully... not on my watch.

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Ticket, Please! [Clean]

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

An elderly Japanese man...

An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"

A man walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says "Jim! You have two black eyes!"

"Yup," says Jim.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Well, you see I was at the church picnic. I was in line behind Mrs. Dunmore, and I happened to see that her skirt was wedged up into her buttcrack. Being a gentleman I pulled it out for her. She turned and punched me in the face!" says Jim.

"Ah, unfortunate," says the bartender. "But how'd the other one get blackened?"

"Well," said Jim. "I figured she liked her dress up in her buttcrack, so I tucked it back for her."

I lost my watch at a party last night....

After about an hour of looking for it I finally found it on the ground. A man was stepping on it while he was harassing some woman. Infuriated, I walked over to him and punched him in the face, breaking his nose. No one mistreats a woman, not on my watch.

Do you have bread?

A big intimidating man walks into a barber shop and asks the barber "Do you have bread?" Confused, the barber replies "Sir, this is a barber shop, not a store." After hearing this the man immediately punches the barber and just leaves.

Again the next day the same man walks into the barber shop and again asks the barber "Do you have bread?" Frightened he might get punched again the barber politely says "I am sorry sir, but this is a barber shop. We don't have bread." But the man proceeds to punch the barber and leaves.

The next day, the barber brought a variety of bread to the shop and waited for the man. Sure enough he walks in and the barber says "Oh sir you are here. We have a variety of bread for you today. Which one would you like to buy?" Then the man responds "I just got bread from the pharmacy down the street. Do you have eggs?"

I got punched in the face by a hipster today...

I yelled "Bro, that's not cool!"

He replied, "not yet".

For The Watch

Lost my watch at a party once. After a few hours i walked into the bathroom and saw some guy stepping on my watch while sexually harassing a girl. I punched the guy straight in the nose, no one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

-Putindoge

(P.s he probably stole the joke from someone else)

I'd like to tell you that I'm a lover, not a fighter...

Unfortunately, I've been punched in the face more often than I've gotten laid. Thus, statistically....

Followup: So let me tell you about the only time I've ever been punched in the face...

I once dated a girl who said she was turned on by "Black eyes"

So I punched her in the face. Turns out I heard her wrong.

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

Hispanic Joke

Three kids are in school...

A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.

White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."

Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabron, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"

A boy who couldn't hear, smell, taste or feel punched me in the head yesterday.

I told him "there was no need for senseless violence"

A 2nd grade teacher tells the class to say a sentence using the words "Liver" and "Cheese" in the same sentence....

...So the teacher picks a white kid to go first, he says: "My mom made me a Liver and Cheese sandwich, it was really good!".

Then the teacher picks a black kid to go second, he says: "My mom bought the wrong kind of Cheese, so my dad punched her in the Liver!".

Finally, the teacher picks a mexican kid to go third,he says, "2 boys were trying to look up my sister's skirt and i said 'ey putos, Liver alone, Cheese my sister!!!"

A teacher tells her students to make a sentence using the words "cheese" and "liver"...

The White kid responds, "Last night my mother made a Cheese and Liver sandwich. It was delicious."

The Black kid responds, "Last night my Dad told my Mom to go get groceries. When she came back without the Government cheese, he punched her in the liver."

The Mexican kid responds, "Last night some vatos tried looking up my sisters skirt. So I tell them, HEY LIVER ALONE! CHEESE MY SISTER!"

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.

Three Girls and The Back Door

A young man was curious as to what girls thought about sex in the "back-door". So, out of curiosity and a lack of shame, he decides to ask three different girls if they would like to try it in the "back door".

The first girl he asked was American, and when asked about her opinion she punched the young man to the asphalt before storming off.

The second girl he asked was French, and when asked about her opinion she blushed and said that she would be willing to try anything once.

The third girl he asked was German, and when asked about her opinion she said, "Alright! Bend over!"

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Being white can be hard...

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I punched a clairvoyant who was laughing at me once.

I like to strike a happy medium

A man goes to church for confession....

A man goes to Church to confess..............

Man: Hi Father, my five years old Son is very naughty.
He made all the female servants pregnant.

Father: Incredulously, and how on earth did he do it???

Man: He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms

Pre-

I lost my watch at a party

I was looking around and saw some guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked right up to him and punched him in the face.

Nobody does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

A 6 year old asks what kind of dog is that?

I tell him it's a boxer

And the 6 year old replies with, yeaaa he looks like he got punched.

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

A man walks into my bar with 2 black eyes

So I ask what happened? He says "well I was in church and when we all stood to sing the hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in the crack of her ass. So I decided to reach up and pull it out for her. She turned around and punched me in my right eye." So I asked "what happened to you left eye?" "Well thought, maybe she wanted it there. So l shoved it back in."

So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day...

The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly.

New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico.

Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, because nothing can escape Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving, the Earth uses a parachute.

When Chuck Norris takes a shower, the soap doesn't clean him. He cleans the soap.

Netflix marathons Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris stared at the sun too long, he wouldn't go blind. The sun would.

If Chuck Norris bit a vampire, the vampire would turn back into a human.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

A guy meets an old friend in the street

**Guy:** Hi ! It's been what... 30 years ?? How are you ? What happened in your life during all this time ?

**Old friend:** Well, I've been married four times, but all my wives died...

**Guy:** Oh my god, that's terrible ! Sorry to hear that. What happened to the first one ?

**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...

**Guy:** Aww that's so sad. What happened to the second ?

**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...

**Guy:** Again ! What happened to the third ?

**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...

**Guy:** Are you kidding me ?

**Old friend:** I swear I'm not.

**Guy:** Ok, what happened to the fourth ?

**Old friend:** She got punched in the head, with a baseball bat.

**Guy:** Whaaaat ? Why ?

**Old friend:** She didn't want to eat her poisonous mushrooms...

I was holding the door open for a Japanese guy...

The Japanese guy was like "Sank you."
I punched him dead in the jaw. Smh bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.

I asked someone if they were pregnant or just fat...

He punched me.

A man was walking in a park..

when suddenly he noticed his watch wasn't on his wrist. While looking for it, he saw a man stepping on what seemed to be his watch, while simultaneously making fun of a fat kid. So he punched the man square in the face. "No one makes fun of fat kids" he said, "not on my watch".

When I went to jail, i walked up to the biggest guy and punched him as hard as I could.

That's the last time my dad played monopoly with me.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.

The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.

The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.

Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. There's a nasty bug going around.

At a party I dropped my watch.

I looked around and saw a guy harassing a girl for sex while standing on my watch. I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Why was the boxer fired from his job?

He never punched out

I picked a fight with some guy.

He punched me in the face and I swallowed a tooth.

That sure came back to bite me in the ass.

I heard a knock at my door yesterday morning

I opened the door and got punched in the face by a giant cockroach

I went and told my doctor and he said

ah yes I've heard there's a nasty bug going round

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

I lost my watch at a party...

I lost my watch at a party once. While I was looking for it, I saw a man step on it on the dance floor while harassing a woman at the same time. I immediately went over and punched the man in the face and broke his nose.

"Thank you so much!" the woman said.

"No problem," I said putting my jewelry back on.

"Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch."

I used a pickup line on a girl and she punched me

I guess you could say it was more of a punchline.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes