Pump Jokes
122 pump jokes and hilarious pump puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pump that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a laugh? Check out this collection of pump-related jokes and puns. From the gas pump to the sump pump, from the air pump to the heat pump, from the breast pump to the fuel pump, this collection will keep you laughing! Learn about the attendant, the inflation and the gasoline jokes in this article.
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Funniest Pump Short Jokes
Short pump jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pump humour may include short fountain jokes also.
- I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
- What do you call an accordion player who can play any song by ear? A walking jukebox with a built-in air pump.
- This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. "It was pump #5," I replied.
- What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common? The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes
- Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station? It was an April fuels joke.
- Found a new way to make money today. I put gas in my truck and the pump gave me 40.00 for my troubles.
- Daylight robbery... I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said, "Yeah, pump 6." - It now takes a dollar more to pump up a tyre at the local garage I guess it's due to inflation
- I was at a Pakistani owned gas station... There was some sort of problem with my debit card at the pump.
I know this because a message popped up that said "PLEASE SEE KASHIR."
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Pump One Liners
Which pump one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pump? I can suggest the ones about elevator and vacuum.
- The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car. Where's he going, pump 4?
- What do people in Alabama like to do for Halloween? Pump-kin
- How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts? "LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"
- I just had to pay £1 at the garage to pump up my tires. That's inflation for you.
- What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween? Pump Kin
- I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was! I hadn't considered inflation
- 1848: You Have Died of Dysentery 2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas
- Why does Barbie like Halloween? It's pump-ken time
- What do farmers do in Alabama? Pump kin
- How do red necks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin
- What's the most popular holiday dessert in Alabama? Pump-kin pie.
- What do you call a family that runs a gas station? Pump kin.
- Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump You could call it the car owner virus
- My car loves going to the gas station It really gets him pumped up
- My girlfriend told me she feels dead inside I told her i could pump a bit of life in her.
Gas Pump Jokes
Here is a list of funny gas pump jokes and even better gas pump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It used to be free. Re-pumping up your car tyres at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.
Why you ask?
Inflation. - My wife wanted me to take her out to an expensive place for our anniversary, So I took her to the Gas Station
Pump #4 - My girlfriend calls me the gas station... Because I have 6-10 pumps.
- I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station I wasn't sure it was him at first. However, as he finished pumping, he pulled the nozzle out and sprayed gasoline all over the trunk.
- I was pumping gas and, a lady caught her arm on fire, police came and arrested her. For possesion of a fire arm
- Why don't you see mumble rappers at gas stations? You can't fuel up your car with a Lil' Pump.
- My brother and I work together at a gas station, filling cars I now call him pump-kin.
- I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
- What's something all men shake to reduce trickle when finished? Gas pumps
- Why gas station clerks do not need to workout? Because they always have a pump
Air Pump Jokes
Here is a list of funny air pump jokes and even better air pump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays? Inflation
- An air pump (boy) and a tire (girl) went out on a date, but it didn't go too well He just couldn't stop pressuring her
- Have you seen the price of the air pump machine to put air in car tyres has gone up from 25cents to 50cents! Now that's inflation.
Water Pump Jokes
Here is a list of funny water pump jokes and even better water pump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My X-gf has a really big heart. I have to give her that. She needs it, to pump all the ice water around.
- Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water? Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?
- What do you call a kindred spirit of a watering hole? Pump-kin!
^(Special thanks to the orange van with custom plates I was behind this morning...)
Petrol Pump Jokes
Here is a list of funny petrol pump jokes and even better petrol pump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When women are at the petrol station Do they shake the handle/nozzle when they are done pumping, or is that just a guy thing?
- Urgent girlfriend needed.. Qualification – must be the only
daughter of a petrol pump owner.:P.!!
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Pump Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about pump you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean plunger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pump pranks.
i said my power steering pump blew a seal and my uncle came back with this
So a penguin is driving in the desert and his car brakes down, so he takes it to the mechanic. while hes waiting for the mechanic he goes and gets ice cream since its hot in the desert it melts so he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says well it looks like you blew a seal
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.
An Estonian stands by a railway track.
Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.
The first one asks: Is it a long way to Tallinn?
Not too long.
He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.
After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: Is it a long way still to Tallinn?
Now, it is very long way to Tallinn.
So a man was going as Adam from Adam and Eve for a Halloween costume.
So he went to a costume shop and asked the lady working there for a leaf to wear, so the lady brought out a leaf and the guy said, "bigger", so the lady brought out another leaf and the man said "bigger" again, this went on a few more times and the lady finally came out and said, "why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?"
Where can a hand refuel its car?
At a fist pump.
What did the robot say to the gas pump?
"Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!"
I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the r**... do for thanksgiving?
Pump kin pie.
A pumpkin spice latte is like pure sodium hydroxide.
They're both extremely basic.
What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven?
I think this is a set up!
What's the difference between a Jew and a truck?
The truck doesn't scream when you pump gas into it.
My wife thinks I don't pull up far enough at the gas station.
She calls me a two pump chump.
My wife finished breastfeeding our son so I threw out her old breast pump
I'll miss that thing. We shared some good mammaries together.
Is it a man or a woman?
Do they shake the nozzle at the gas pump.
So a hydraulic jack walks into his family reunion. . .
and says look at all these Pump kins!
A woman walks into a sports shop
She asks one of the employees for a pump needle. The employee finds one for her and says, "That will be 1 dollar". The lady responds, "That is odd, the last time I was here they only cost 50 cents". The employee responded, "Sorry ma'am, but that is inflation for ya"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you measure a pump that s**... well
By how good its head is
Which pumpkin is the best cook?
Gourdon Ramsay
I was pumping some iron in the gym yesterday,
when the trainer pointed out that the hole in the weights was supposed to be for attaching them to a bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
The Targaryens must be looking toward to Halloween...
...because they like to pump kin.
How does Lil Pump travel up stories of a building?
ESKELATA
What's the PH of pumpkin spice?
Basic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do h**... gourds reproduce?
They pump kin.
You have a pumpkin.
You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi
A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"
The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."
21 Savage did Bank Account. Lil Pump did Gucci Gang,
Lil peep did drugs
Li'l Pump
Sounds like he picked his rapper name based on how long he would last in bed.
A man went to a gas station
To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possession of a firearm.
Have you heard Lil Pump & Eminems new song?
"Mom Essgetti"?
I treat my men like I treat my bitcoin
Pump and Dump
I went to the grocery store to grab some milk
But the lady at the cash register said her pump was broken.
[ True Story / Legend ] A group of guys walk by Arnold working out on Venice beach..
One of the guys says "Look at this guy, I would never want to be that big".
To which Arnold replys, "Goode because you neva vill", as he finishes a pump.
My wife has to pump breast milk multiple times a day and she's always complaining about it.
I think she's just milking it.
Pumped up kicks
Everyone was having a great time at the school art fair until a kid decided to draw a gun.
Lil Pump recorded his first vaporwave song today.
AESSSSSSTHETTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIC
Why doesn't Lil Pump watch anime?
He watches anim ay instead
What do you get when you cross Lil Pump and Marvin Gaye?
Esskeetit on.
Excuse me, are you a booming real estate property?
because I'm about to pump my liquid assets into you
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels
Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.
They're absolutely gourd-geous.
What did one Pumpkin say to the other?
Happy Hollowing!
Kanye West & Lil Pump I Love It Parody (Way Too Broke I Hate It)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the blue pump get the green tac pregnant?
It took too long to pull out.
What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?
He sewed on a pumpkin patch.
What did the Pumpkin say to the Skeletons in its closet?
*Fake News*
What does Lil Pump call his fanbase?
The Pumpkin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
true or false, kanye west f**... during the recording of his latest single?
False, but he did have a lil' pump.
Offering to pump gas for your girlfriend is a good idea until
She tells you the pin to her debit card is her birthday and you can't think of it
What's the difference between a pump suit and a gimp suit?
Which end of the backhand you're on.
Just "complimented" my sisters singing.
I told her "the more I hear you sing, the more I realise how good of a singer Lil Pump is."
How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?
Pump per nickel.
What's it called when a rapper goes to the gym for 20 minutes?
A Lil Pump.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pumpkin, a zucchini, and a seed walk into a bar.
The barkeep asks the pumpkin what she'd like to drink.
b**... Mary, she says.
The barkeep asks the zucchini for her order.
I'm having a hard cider, the zucchini says.
The barkeep turns to the seed, and both the pumpkin and zucchini say, Oh, don't serve our friend anything.
Why not?
Can't you tell? asks the zucchini, She's already out of her gourd!
What's a pumpkin circumference divided by pumpkin diameter?
Last Minute
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
My wife wasn't too happy when I mentioned that our limited budget meant deciding between improving the kitchen plumbing or replacing the pool pump.
Its either sink or swim.
I found a used football in a second hand store...
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
What do a stomach pump and an exorcist have in common?
They're both used to remove unwanted spirits from a body.
Gas station robbery
First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.
