Pulls Jokes
123 pulls jokes and hilarious pulls puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pulls that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pulls Short Jokes
Short pulls jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pulls humour may include short push pull jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING" - Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- Cashier: that'll be $19.99 Me: *pulls out a $50*
Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?
Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30* - My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can't pull anything out in time!
- Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West. It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
- Guns are like gum... Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.
- The cast of star wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
- My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester." - Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
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Pulls One Liners
Which pulls one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pulls? I can suggest the ones about grabs and pulled muscle.
- When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please.
- I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
- Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
- I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
- What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
- How are a grenade and a wife similar? If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone
- What's the best way anyone could pull off a fedora? Immediately.
- Why did the vampire pull out? He needed permission to come inside.
- How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes? You pull down their genes.
- How did the love seat get pregnant? Because the couch didn't pull out.
- There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull
- Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game? Vladimir Putin.
- Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man
- Why didn't Napoleon get his wish? Because he couldn't pull the wish Bonaparte.
- A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden... ...but he didn't have root access.
Gravity Pulls Jokes
Here is a list of funny gravity pulls jokes and even better gravity pulls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies." "That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."
- I blame gravity for my education It's always pulling me down...
- Gravity, the greatest jokester Always trying to pull down your pants
- Don't blame the U.S. for Hiroshima and Nagasaki Blame gravity for pulling the bombs to the ground
Fun-Filled Pulls Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about pulls you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tooth pulling jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pulls pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Woman Who Reads
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,"says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!
A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...
The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."
There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?
His but-quack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Genie with a flaw
A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.
"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"
The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."
The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."
"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.
"It shall be done." And
A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.
"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A w**... Contest.
Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a w**... contest to see who has the biggest w**...! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"
So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a w**... contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two men are driving down the country road when....
...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has s**... with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Blondes At The Bus Stop.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl......
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The r**... girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many i**... aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
A police officer pulls a guy over.....
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."
The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
An Australian takes a vacation in america...
He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.
He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"
The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."
The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"
"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...
The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"
A misunderstanding
A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
The Albino and the Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
So I was doing donuts in my car..
And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nurse walks into a bank...
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a r**... thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some a**...'s got my pen."
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
An electron is speeding down the highway when a police officer pulls him over.
The officer walks up to the car and asks, "do you know how fast you were going."
The electron replies, "Yeah, but now I'm lost."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a r**... thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...
"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a r**... thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two midgets are sitting around, bored...
When one of them pulls out some w**... and asks:
"Wanna get medium?"
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three members of the k**... walk into a bar...
They sit at the back in full costume.
The first k**... thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second k**... thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third k**... thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
'What's up?' says the driver.
'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.
'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender
As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
*"Sure"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a b**....
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun was out for a walk...
...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to r**... her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and r**... me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10-inch BIC
Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really s**... at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A telecoms engineer joins the army...
On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A shy cowboy goes into a bar
*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking c**... sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, Give me all your money or you're geography! Trembling, the teller stammers, D...d...don't y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?
The robber screams, Don't change the subject!
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
A man is driving down a country road...
... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.
"Looks like your timing chain broke"
He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.
The man runs away scared and reaches a farm house about a mile down.
A farmer comes to the door and the man tells him what just happened. He tells him that horse spoke and told him the timing chain broke.
"What?" The farmer asks "wait, was it a brown horse with a white spot on his face?"
"Yes! That's the one!" The man replies.
Farmer: "oh don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything about cars"
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...
He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, n**... in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls a man over
"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.
"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.
The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."
"Sir, the police doesn't have b**....", the officer says.
There is a moment of silence, and then the officer just hands the civilian his documentation, goes back to his car and drives away.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. Terry?! you say laughing, Terry's a girls name! Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin' Terry :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal
"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.
The individual pulls out a $50 bill.
"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.
"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"
So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.
The girl says to the guy, So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?
Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. Oh, yeah, he says, I'm a taxidermist.
The girl replies with Oh, that's cool.
Then the gopher says, And a ventriloquist.
A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.
The driver lowers her window.
Policeman: Name, please?
Woman: Freda.
Policeman: Surname?
Woman: Gonow.
Policeman: So you are Freda Gonow.
Woman: Thanks very much , and she takes off!
