Pulling Your Leg Jokes

There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it.
After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned.
The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table.
She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move.
The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world.
The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"

A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet.
A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot.
He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna c**...'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'".
The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious.
So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"

A man and a blonde.

A man who had heard way to many 'blonde jokes' was sitting next to a blonde woman. The man decided to play a prank on the blonde since he assumed she was just a dumb blonde.
He told her: " Hey, let's play a game. I'm going to ask you a question and if you answer wrong then you give me 50 cents. And then you ask me a question and if I answer wrong, I give you 50 dollars."
She agreed. And then the man said ladies first.
The blonde asked the man: " What animal has 7 heads and 3 legs?"
The man couldn't think of an answer so he pulled up his laptop and searched the internet for the answer. He couldn't find it so he gave up and gave the blonde 50 dollars. Then he asked her, "so whats the answer?"
She said, "I don't know" and gave the man 50 cents.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Miniskirt

A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A b**... blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.
She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.
Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.
"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".

I try to tell this joke in english :]

There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)

Blonde on a plane.

(First submission, Hope people like it)
A very attractive blonde boards a plane for a long flight and settles in. As she is leaning against the window trying to get some rest a business man takes the seat next to her. "Hi I'm Frank" he says. "Oh hi" says the blonde before she tries to settle back in. "Wait a second now" says the guy "this is a long flight why don't we play a game. Tell you what, I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer you have to give me $5. Then you can ask me a question and if I don't know the answer you get $500." "Ok fine" says the Blonde. "Alright! What is the Capital of Malta?" Admittedly the Blonde didn't know she she hands the guy $5. "See!" he says "It's a fun game! now you ask me one." "Alright... What goes up a hill on three legs, and comes down the hill on five?" Now the business guy is genuinely stumped. He pulls out his laptop and goes to work. As he does the blonde goes back to sleep. About an hour later the guy taps her on the shoulder "Alright... I have been every where on the internet, I tried everything and I can't figure it out. Here." and he gives the Blonde $500 "Thanks" she says and rolls back over to go to sleep "Wait! You can't just go to sleep! I want to know! What goes up a hill on three legs on down the hill on five?!" The blonde just smiled at him and handed him $5.

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past.

A s**... meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The s**... notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The s**... asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the s**.... "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the s**.... "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Three men enter a hunting contest...

The rules of the contest are simple: A contestant must enter the woods, shoot an animal, return to the judges, and tell them how he shot it.
So the first man goes into the woods, and about an hour later he returns with a freshly shot b**....
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the b**....
Then the second man goes into the woods, and about 3 hours later he returns with a freshly shot deer.
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the deer.
Then the third man walks into the woods. The judges wait, and wait, and wait for almost a day. Eventually, the man is gone so long that they send out a search party for him. After hours of searching, they find the hunter. He is crawling along the ground, covered with blood and bruises, and both of his legs are missing. He groans with agony, and it's clear that he doesn't have much time left.
They scream, "Oh my god, what happened to you?"
With his last painful breaths, the hunter pulls a judge close and whispers into his ear, ""I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I got hit by a train."

The Skunk

One cold night, this couple was driving down the road, and the girl notices this black ball of fur on the side of the road. She makes him pull over, and she sees that it's a skunk that's about to freeze to death. She asks him, "Can we bring him with us in the truck to warm it up?"
He says, "I guess it's okay. Bring him in."
She goes, "Where can I warm him up?"
"Put him between your legs, that'll warm him up."
"Well, what about the smell?"
"You can hold it's nose, can't you?"

A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.
"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.
"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.

The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?

"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."

Play around

So corporate exec Joe is flying across the Pacific, when his plane crashes. Joe survives, but finds himself stranded on a desert island, with nothing to eat but coconuts, and whatever seafood he can catch. 10 years go by, with poor Joe having no human contact. One day, as Joe is fishing for his dinner, a beautiful blonde woman comes wading out of the surf, wearing a full body wet suit. She approaches Joe and introduces herself "Hi, I'm Julie", Joe is so excited, all he can say "I'm Joe, and I've been stranded here alone for 10 years". "Wow" reply's Julie "10 years stranded here, I bet you'd like a cigarette" . "Would I ever" says Joe, and with that the young lady unzips a pocket on her sleeve, pulls out a pack of Marlboro reds, lights 2 and passes one to Joe. "Wow 10 years alone on this island" Julie repeats, "I bet you'd like a beer". "Would I ever" replies Joe, and with that the lady unzips a pocket on her leg, pulls out 2 cold Budweiser's, opens them and hands one to Joe. The young lady starts to seductively unzip the front of her wet suit, and says "Wow 10 years alone on this island, I bet you'd like to play around wouldn't you". "Would I ever" says Joe excitedly, "You got golf clubs in there?"

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test,

the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a s**... test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!!

A preacher is buying a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you s**... fool!" screeched the parrot.

So there's this Irish Pub..

in Ireland of all places. Anywho, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, "Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!"
After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, "No, none of those will do!"
When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, "I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"
Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.
Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, "You're home late."
"Yeah, well I won the cheers!"
"Ah, what'd you say?"
"What'd I say.." The man thinks for a moment, he doesn't want to get in trouble with his wife, "I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!"
"Aww, such a lovely thing to say" exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.
The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, "You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night."
To which the wife replies, "Yeah I don't understand it, I mean he hasn't been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!"

Horse in a bar.

A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.
The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'
The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.
"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.
The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.
One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,
"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."

Best toast of The night.

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
Paul O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they go back to her place...

When they get inside, the girl asks the guy if they want to 69. The guy is a country boy come to the city, and has no idea what that is.
"Well, you put your head between my legs, and I put my head between yours."
The guy thinks this sounds fun, so he agrees.
They head to the girl's bedroom, disrobe, and get in bed. But right as the guy gets his head between her legs, she accidentally farts.
He pulls back and gasps: "Agh! What was that?" Embarassed, she tells him to keep going and try again.
Just as he gets his face between her legs, she accidentally farts again. The guy retches, stands up, grabs his clothes and starts to leave.
"Wait!" The girl yells, "Where are you going?"
"Ma'am, if you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy."

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

The Best Toast of the Night

Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer at his regular pub and offered the following toast: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!"
That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
"Aye, did ye now," said Mary. "And what was your toast?"
Thinking quickly, Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!" said Mary.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
"Aye, he told me," said Mary, "and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he'd only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

THE TASTEFUL BLIND MAN

A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on. The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork. The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, "Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I'll have that."
The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing. Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn't believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Jane, to pull down her p**... and rub it between her legs.
When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face.
The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, "Hmmm, I didn't know Jane worked here."

Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."
"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

An old married couple...

An old married couple were married for a really long time. The only friction in their marriage was that the man passed gas every night in bed. The wife often told her husband that one day he would "f**... his guts out" however the man would always dismiss these claims as false. One day after having chicken for dinner the wife decided to pull a prank on her husband, after he went to bed she took the intestines of the chicken they had and placed it between his legs, proving once and for all that he had f**... his guts out. After doing so she went to bed, anxious to see his reaction in the morning. When she woke up she found that her husband had already gotten up. She went to the kitchen and asked him how he slept. "Oh I slept wonderfully", he replied. "Except that your prediction finally came true, I finally f**... my guts out." Acting startled she asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital. "No I'm fine, after a couple of tries I managed to push them all back up in again".

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here'sto spending the rest of me Life,
Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir." "Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."

s**...

A s**... meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The s**... notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the s**... asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the s**.... "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the s**.... "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

Best toast in all of Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
Me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
Only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Tractor Accident

A guy named Matt was obsessed with tractors. He would enter tractor competitions, he would collect tractor figures, he loved tractors.
One day he decides to enter a competition, but this time he is the judge. To win the competition, the tractor has to pull as much weight as it can up a 30m hill.
As Matt was watching, the cable broke and swung around, hitting him in the leg. It was a very serious injury and the doctors told him he could never walk again.
A few months later, he meets the love of his life. They decide to go on a honey-moon to Vietnam. They were in a restaurant full of people smoking. Smoke was everywhere. His girlfriend started getting uncomfortable with the smoke, and wanted to leave.
Matt, being a gentleman, offered to help. He huffed, and puffed, he s**... all the smoke from the restaurant, ran outside, and blew it all out. Everyone was speechless. His girlfriend asks, "How did you do that!?".
"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

Billy's dead canary

Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !" "What happened ?" Asked Billy's Dad. "Well" said Billy " I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"

A Toast

Every Friday night, at the local pub, the regulars gather, enjoy each other's company and 'toast the night away'…
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's Only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Poor ol' John O'Reiley...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife !' Now that won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ' I won the prize for the best toast of the night.' She said 'Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?'
John said, 'Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife'. Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,' John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.

Irish Humor

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

John wins best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A man notices a pig with a wooden leg

He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

Synagogue Dog

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."
"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe's pocket, grabs a prayer book and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.
The Rabbi is amazed. "Oh my god," he says, "this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!"
"You tell him that, Rabbi," replies Moishe. "He wants to be a doctor."

A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road

I ask the man Why does your pig have four wooden legs?
The farmer replied There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!
I asked again So why does he have wooden legs?
The farmer replied again My tractor had severe engine problems and if it wasn't for this pig I would have gone up in flames!
I asked one last time SO WHY DOES THE PIG HAVE WOODEN LEGS???
The farmer looked up calmly and said If you had a pig this great, would you eat it all in one go?

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest.

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest when suddenly Burt falls in to a crevasse 1000 ft. deep.
Hey Burt! Are you alive? shouts Mack from above.
Yeah I am.
I'm going to drop down a rope, grab onto it and I'll pull you out.
I can't. My arms are broken.
Okay then wrap your legs around them.
I can't. My legs are broken too.
Alright, then bite down real hard on the rope. I'll pull you up.
So Burt bites on the rope and Mack starts pulling.
1000 feet… 900 feet… 700 feet…. 500 feet…. 300 feet…
You alright Burt?
Yeahhhhhhhh….hhhhhhh…