Pulling Jokes
157 pulling jokes and hilarious pulling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pulling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the various ways to 'pull' a joke – from pulling teeth and pulling a girl's leg to pulling a wagon or a crank. Learn why 'pulling practical jokes' can be both hilarious and tricky, and why 'pulling the plug' on a joke can be just as funny. Find out the difference between pulling hair and pulling weeds, and understand why 'pulling out' can be the best way to handle a joke gone wrong.
Quick Jump To
- Short Pulling Jokes
- Pulling One Liners
- Pulling Girl Jokes
- Pulling Your Leg Jokes
- Pulling Hair Jokes
- Pulling The Plug Jokes
- Pulling Out Jokes
- More Pulling Jokes
Funniest Pulling Short Jokes
Short pulling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pulling humour may include short pulls jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING" - I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages! - Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- Cashier: that'll be $19.99 Me: *pulls out a $50*
Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?
Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30* - My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can't pull anything out in time!
- Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West. It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
- Guns are like gum... Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.
- The cast of star wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
- The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
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Pulling One Liners
Which pulling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pulling? I can suggest the ones about pushing and push pull.
- When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please.
- I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
- Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
- I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
- What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
- How are a grenade and a wife similar? If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone
- What's the best way anyone could pull off a fedora? Immediately.
- Why did the vampire pull out? He needed permission to come inside.
- How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes? You pull down their genes.
- What do a woman and a grenade have in common? Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
- How did the love seat get pregnant? Because the couch didn't pull out.
- There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull
- Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game? Vladimir Putin.
- Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow-blower was coming.
- Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man
Pulling Girl Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulling girl jokes and even better pulling girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hey girl, are you Afghanistan? Because it would take me 20 years to pull out.
- Why is playing jenga so important on a first date. So I can show the girl my pull out game is on point
- Blind Girl If a blind girl tells you your manhood is massive…
…she's probably pulling your leg. - What did a burnt pizza, pregnant girl and frozen beer can have in common? Nobody pulled out it time.
- I was in bed with a blind girl last night... and she says "wow your really well hung" to which I respond "you're pulling my leg"
- Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
- I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it
- If you ever get into an argument with a girl and she pulls a knife, Pull out ham, bread, and mayo. Instincts will kick in and she will make you a sandwich.
- Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false 1. pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled - I went on a date and the girl asked me if I had any hobbies Me: Yes *pulls a hamster out of my pocket* taxidermy
Hamster: and ventriloquism
Pulling Your Leg Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulling your leg jokes and even better pulling your leg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A magician lost a leg during his performance. The audience was suprised he could pull it off.
- People in wheelchairs just don't get humor. They never know when you're pulling their leg.
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
- Sometimes I squat... ...and pull my legs up to my chest and lean forward.
Why?
That's how I roll. - Do you know why flamingos sleep with one leg pulled up? If they pulled both legs up, they would fall over.
- My first and last day as a drug dealer. Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.
- A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
- My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me. I think he's pulling my leg.
- I got pulled over doing 69 in a 55 last night. I'm pretty sure I was speeding too, but the cop just kept focusing on the legs around my head being unsafe.
- A person with three eyes, no arms and one leg is hitchhiking. A British guy pulls over and says, "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in."
Pulling Hair Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulling hair jokes and even better pulling hair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy. I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.
- Pulled out a nose hair today... Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems pretty painful.
- My wife claims that she can wax off my chest hair without causing any pain, but I'm a little nervous. I don't think she will be able to pull it off.
- So apparently the new fashion trend of the day is to stick chewed gum in your hair It's a unique look but it's hard to pull off.
- People say that stress can make you lose your hair... and pulling your hair can be a root problem.
- My girlfriend left me because I'm balding. I almost pulled my hair out.
- A joke my Uncle told me that I never understood when I was a child. Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after she finishes brushing her hair?
A: She pulls her pants up - What did the blonde do after she combed her hair? .. She pulled her pants up.
- What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.
- Did you know that if you pull all the hair out from your head and arrange them in a single file.. ..you'll end up getting bald.
Pulling The Plug Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulling the plug jokes and even better pulling the plug puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common? If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.
- If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug... Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.
- I just got in an argument with my grandpa about who's generation relies on electronics more So, I pulled the plug on him. Guess I won that argument
- What's the difference between vegetation and vegetables? You don't have to pull the plug on vegetation.
- So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust... I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.
- If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cutecumber! Just kidding; if you were a vegetable, I'd pull the plug.
- My grandfather told me my generation is too dependant on technology now-a-days. I told the doctor to pull his plug.
- Let it be known that if I'm ever being electrocuted . . . I just want them to pull the plug on me.
- Is your fridge running? If so, you better catch it before it pulls its plug out
- Why did the lumberjack pull the plug? He couldn't log off.
Pulling Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulling out jokes and even better pulling out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester." - Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car - The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm... Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
- I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
- A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."
- When the inventor of the USB dies... they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
- Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.
- Every N.W.A song Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!
Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown. - Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition? He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out
- My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
Fun-Filled Pulling Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about pulling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dragging jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pulling pranks.
me: Can I play some music?
**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.
**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?
My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.
[Pulling out]
Me: Excuse me, what?
A Jewish girl....
.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
A very thirsty man was wandering the desert ...
... when suddenly he spotted a well. With the last of his strength, he neared himself, and started pulling the bucket upwards.
*Water! Water!* he shouted in anticipation
When suddenly, from the bottom of the well, a voice exclaimed
*Where?! Where?!*
Did you hear about the war between the blondes and the brunettes?
The blondes were throwing hand grenades, and the brunettes were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Guy walking down the street...
...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"
The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"
Why did King Arthur leave no heir?
He was legendary for pulling out.
If you've ever thought women are the weaker s**.....
You've never tried pulling the blankets back to your side in the night
So a man who had been stranded on an island 7 years was finally rescued...
as the ship was pulling away from the island one of his rescuers was looking back at the island and noticed three huts on the beach. Curious, he asked the castaway what they were for. "Well" he replied "the first one there was my house and that one over there is my church" "and the other?" asked the sailor. "Oh that...thats the church I used to go to"
Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I'm sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."
I lost my college football scholarship in the very first game this weekend, for pulling a groin.
Not mine, someone else's.
The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy.
If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy.
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
Elephant in the vegetable patch
An elephant escapes from a zoo and ends up in a little old ladies vegetable garden and starts munching. Having never seen an elephant in her life, she freaks out and calls the police.
"There's a giant creature in my yard and it's pulling out my vegatables with it's tail!"
"What's it doing with them?"
"If I told you, you'd never believe me!"
So a blind girl was giving me a h**... last night...
She said I was the biggest she's ever felt, I said "Nah girl, you're just pulling my leg."
A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.
His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to s**....
Doctor: you shot your finger for s**...?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
If you skip church on Sundays..
You're pulling a Christian Bale.
What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?
Parents.
What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs?
Banner.
comeback is real!
A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
I never make way for fools!
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, I Always Do.
Little Johnny...one more time.
Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
Toughen Up
I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so last night I went to the gym.
After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."
I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
My friend got sent to prison for pulling out 3 people from a burning building
Unfortunately, it turned out they were firefighters
Now I understand why the British population was on a steady decline these past few years...
Brits are really good at pulling out.
A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head
He walks up to barman and says:
'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'
'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'
The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'
'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'
'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right t**....'
Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...
...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."
Trooper tries to pull over a man who speeds away.....
After getting the man to pull over, he tells him that since it's the end of his shift that he'll let him go if he has a good explanation for why he kept speeding up instead of pulling over.
The driver says: "Don't you recognize me? My wife ran away with you 2 years ago and I thought you were trying to give her back"
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size
Oops, wrong thread
The rope joke
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"
Did you hear about the oyster who was breakdancing at the seafood disco?
He ended up pulling a mussel
A guy finally buys his dream car
... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."
What's the difference between pulling and pushing a car?
When you pull a car, you get tired. When you push one you get exhausted.
Remember when radical extremists were just kids pulling sick stunts off on their skateboards?
Gnarly.
A man walks into a small bank
There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....
The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. Get your lips off my wife,
I snapped pulling him off her. But sir, I'm not kissing her! He pleaded. She's stopped breathing.
Do I need to repeat myself?
I went to a blind p**... the other day
She told me I was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "nah, you're pulling my leg"
TIL Canada was named by pulling letters from a hat.
>"C," eh? "N," eh? "D," eh?
When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.
The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"
What do you call people whose birth control method is pulling out?
Parents
When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:
"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)
A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.
Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.
After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."
"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."
If you're towing a speedboat...
...are you pulling a fast one?
My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach
"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said
"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"
Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.
"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."
I tried to translate a joke from Canadian
Did you hear about the war between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland?. ? The newfies were throwing grenades the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back
What do you call Bruce Lee pulling a Radio Flyer?
Enter the wagon.
A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.
A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...
Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? You try pushing it !
After contemplating the idea for a while, I decided to turn myself into the police.
It was fun while it lasted pulling people over and taking their drugs and stuff, until I got busted for impersonation.
Have to charge you 25 dollars
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
I sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, the wife leans in and says:
You spoil those dogs ....
A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...
He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, n**... in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!
A priest is buying a used lawnwoer
\*lawnmower
He inspects it and asks owner how does it start. "Very simple, you pull the cord and if it doesn't start right away keep pulling and start swearing." The priest is shocked. "I'm a man of the cloth. I may have sworn when I was younger but by now I've forgotten how." "Oh don't worry" says the seller "after couple of pulls it will come back to you."
Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.
Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.
Two drunks are in a bar
First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?
Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.
Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.
Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.
Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.
Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.
I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder
I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"
She : "Let's see how this date goes first"
How Canada got its name...
They figured out the fairest way to name their country was to pull letters out of a hat. So they gathered around and a guy started pulling letters...
*pulls letter* "C, eh."
*pulls another* "N, eh."
*pulls another* "D, eh."
And that's how Canada got its name.
Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the a**....
Its called the a**...-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your a**... and it will bring a tear to your eyes.
A husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife pulling all her clothes out of the closet.
"What's going on here?"
The wife replies that she's just looking for stuff to donate.
"Why don't you just throw them out?" The husband asks.
"Dear! There are so many unfortunate people who could use these clothes!"
The husband replies without missing a beat, "Honey, I know you mean well but anyone who can afford to eat enough to fit in your clothes isn't exactly unfortunate!"
Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?
The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"
A man goes to a job interview
The interviewer asks: "So, do you have any special skills?"
Man, pulling a dead hamster out of his pocket: "Taxidermy!"
Hamster: "And necromancy!"
An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....
Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.
There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.
My Daughters Dad Joke this morning
Ran through a drive up this morning before school.
As we are pulling away from the window, she looks in the bag.
Dad you should see this! It's beautiful, the hashbrowns are stacked side by side, the sandwiches are perfectly wrapped, and the napkins are placed so they won't get oily...I am not sure who did this, but they should be awarded the Nobel Grease Prize.
She looked at me with a sly smile and I told her...I saw what you did there. We both laughed.
A great dad joke from a 10 yr old.
In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves ...
In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves and banning them from events, I will do my part and not play Russian Roulette for the foreseeable future.
A Scottish Terrier walks into a bank
He sits at the desk of the Loan Officer, a Ms. Patty Black. He asks if he's eligible for a small business loan.
Do you have any collateral? , Patty asks.
I do have this, replies the Terrier, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small porcelain figurine.
I'm not sure if we can accept this, says Patty. Let me ask my manager.
Patty calls her manager over and explains the situation. The manager says
It's a knickknack, Patty Black, give the dog a loan.
Did you hear that Taylor is pulling her music from Spotify in Russia?
They're cutting off Russia from SWIFT.
Keep 'em warm
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms into his hand and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".
A man came home early from work one day and found his next-door neighbor in bed with his wife.
Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the n**... fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench.
Still holding the gun to the man's head, he bent the handle of the vise with a crowbar. Putting the gun in his pocket, he then took out a very large hunting knife.
"Hey," yelled the neighbor in panic, "you're not gonna cut it off, are ya?"
"No," said the husband as he placed the knife on the workbench, "you are. I'm torching the garage."
I was pulling my boxers off in bed the other day
God I love those dogs
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.
Her boy kept pulling funny faces at me so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."
The little boy replied, "Well, you can't say she didn't warn you!"
