Pull Jokes

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

what does a frozen beer, burnt pizza, and pregnant girl all have in common?

they all happened because some d**... didn't pull it out in time.

What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?

Some d**... forgot to pull it out in time.

I wanted to have s**... with my girlfriend, but she was on her period...

so I had to pull some strings.

A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman...

And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off.
"I told her I was 90".

Indian On The Road

I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".

At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden...

...but he didn't have root access.

Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night

Cop said I was deriving over the limit.

Why didn't Napoleon get his wish?

Because he couldn't pull the wish Bonaparte.

This was my grandma's favourite joke

Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.
"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.
There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."
"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

George stops at red light...

A beautiful blonde stops just beside him.
George pull down his window.
She also pull down her window.
George smiles and asks with a grin on his face " you also f**...?"

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

What did O say to Q?

"Pull your pants up will ya?"

A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.

If I was a cop, I would write the word 'Influence' on a bridge, and pull over anyone that drives under it.

I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.

The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."

How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?

One. It's a trick question.

Met a woman at the bar the other night

She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?

... I pull out of my driveway

What do you call people who use the pull out method?

Parents

Three members of the k**... walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.
The first k**... thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second k**... thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third k**... thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the t**... factory where he works.

There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.

I always play Jenga on a first date,

That way she knows how strong my pull out game is.

did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into the crocodile pit?

he ate 6 crocs before they could pull him out.

I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop m**...." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

What does a pulley like the best about its position?

It's the center of a tension.

A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off

A magician lost a leg during his performance.

The audience was suprised he could pull it off.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you're likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you're likely to make a new friend.
Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

The stock market is like s**....

You just need to know when to pull out.

My approach to s**... is like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"

Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"
Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."