Pubs Jokes
39 pubs jokes and hilarious pubs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pubs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pubs Short Jokes
Short pubs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pubs humour may include short irish pub jokes also.
- It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering. - It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub... ...just to ask me what time it is.
- My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage." - What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
- A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink.... The bartender asks "long day?"
"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is. - Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started. "I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
- My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, Where are you? I said, I'm at the pub. She said, I think the baby is coming
Me: I don't think he can get in. He will be underage.
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Pubs One Liners
Which pubs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pubs? I can suggest the ones about man walks into a pub and pints.
- The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
- A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
- What do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs
- What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar
- A cheese sandwich walks into a pub. The landlord says, "Sorry, we don't serve food"
- Two Irish guys are leaving a pub Hey. It could happen
- What do you call Irish sunscreen? A pub.
- Watching your wife in childbirth... Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.
- Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub? The drinks were on the house.
- Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
- The dirtiest pub I've ever seen was called the fiddle It was a vile inn.
- Why do people named Bart avoid pubs? They're all scared of the bartender.
- A toothless termite walked into a pub and asked... "Is the bar tender here?"
- A joke to tell at DnD. Why are Dwarf pubs so bad? Because they set the bar so low.
- Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs? They're used to being behind bars.
Comical Pubs Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about pubs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tavern jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pubs pranks.
A Woman goes to the Optician
for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"
"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"
A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.
The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England
Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?
Islamic pubs and bars are the worst
You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.
Women can get s**... though, no questions asked.
"Sir, why do you want to divorce your wife?"
"She goes to bars and pubs every night."
"Are you lying to me?"
"No, she's looking for me"
The sooner Pubs are open the better.
This drinking at home is getting out of hand.
Last night I nearly asked my wife for her phone number..
Why does the selective Ghost only haunt Bars and Pubs..?
... He's addicted to Boos
Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs?
Because they usually end up behind bars.
McDonalds to open Irish Pubs, "Mc's", in 7 cities
Cannibal pubs are just like regular pubs
They don't serve minors
A man on holiday in Ireland goes into a pub...
And it is awful;
the barman barely acknowledges him,
the beer is warm,
the food is cold,
nobody wants to talk to him
and there's not even any music going on.
Turned out it was one of those English theme pubs
I heard they serve green beer at most pubs today,
But they also serving green water in Flint, Michigan.
Why was Luke Skywalker banned from all the local pubs...
He used excessive force
I really hope the pubs open up again soon.
I need to cut down on my drinking.
What do you call pubs on Mars?
Mars bars.
Why do ghosts like to haunt pubs?
For the boos!
*^i'm ^^so ^^^sorry*
This was actually in a crossword puzzle I did recently.
If England wins the World Cup for the first time ever, pubs will be totally INSANE in England!
and close at 11pm instead of 10:30pm on Sunday!
What do you call a bloke who buys and sells pubs?
An arms dealer.
... Hey, it's funny if the queen's still on your country's cash.
