The Best 60 Public Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Public jokes. There are some public privately jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these public swines puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Public Jokes and Puns
Republicans are the true snowflakes...
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
Wireless Internet is like Sex
You still want it, even if it's unprotected and in a public place.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor (tooter)
Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.
What do you call someone who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR
The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...
"Benedict Cumberbatch."
Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"
Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
If you ever trip in public...
...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.
On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding
Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
You can explore public municipal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean public overt dad jokes. There are also public puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
3 men are lined up for the firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**
A cat gives birth in a public park...
...and is fined $50 for littering.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
a private tooter.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.
Came clean in court.
I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
Two clowns are running for public office...
It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.
A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...
He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."
This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.
I can raise my cat any way I want.
Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday
Apparently one of them is going to be president
Did you hear about the guy with a fetish for public transportation?
He got off at every stop.
An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...
No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"
Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
the hardest part about hitting a child in public...
is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.
Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect
Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...
... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."
What do you call a guy who does not fart in public?
A private tutor.
'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '
The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.
Breastfeeding in public is natural.
And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.
Whoops, wrong bus.
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?
He nuts and bolts.
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
What does a prostitute call their genitals?
Their public parts
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
The reason women don't play football
The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.
The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.
I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.
He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable
The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
Trump and Pense at a press briefing.
Trump: if we tested less, we'd have less cases .
Pense: fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that in public .
(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.
Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream Gross!
The German man responds, Groß? Danke!
Translation - Big? Thanks!
Mouths are the new boobs.
Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.
I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice
I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.
President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....
A full recovery
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!
My boss just asked,
"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
Boss: Can you work this weekend?
Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
Boss: What time will you get here?
Me: Monday.
A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.
He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be $20. So on and so forth."
Suddenly, a student in the crowd yelled, "How much for a season pass?"
So, death isn't actually the most common fear...
... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school
Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".
Thoughtful Gesture
N Y Governor Cuomo assured the public that he always wore his face mask while sexually harassing his accusers
Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public
That will be his last resort
A supposedly true story
One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're speaking Welsh."
A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.
He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he'd come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.
I have no idea which way it'll swing, but I'm gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone's mother is fair use or public domain…
What did the American say to the German urinating in public?
European illegally!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the public audience jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working public urination piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.