Public Jokes

176 public jokes and hilarious public puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about public that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking to make your public speaking engagements more entertaining? This article will help you learn how to use public jokes to connect with your audience. We'll discuss how to craft the perfect joke for public speaking, how to practice for success, and some of the key benefits to using humor when speaking to a large crowd. We'll also explore some of the caveats to watch out for when using jokes in public settings.

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Funniest Public Short Jokes

Short public jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The public humour may include short private jokes also.

  1. Antiwork did an interview on fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub It didn't work.
  2. Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her 'Cagey B'
  3. Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.

    \-My pop
  4. President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst.... A full recovery
  5. This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. I can raise my cat any way I want.
  6. Two clowns are running for public office... It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.
  7. I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me. Can't wait till this cruise is over.
  8. Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man... Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.
  9. Boss: Can you work this weekend? Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
    Boss: What time will you get here?
    Me: Monday.
  10. A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

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Public One Liners

Which public one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with public? I can suggest the ones about official and remaining.

  1. What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display? British
  2. Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
  3. A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.
  4. I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool.... Until this blue kid got me fired.
  5. Breastfeeding in public is natural. And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
  6. What do you call someone who never farts in public? A PRIVATE TUTOR
  7. I can't go in public without people staring at my body Now I just leave her at home
  8. I once saw a skit about public hanging It had brilliant execution.
  9. Have you ever seen a blind person reading braille in public? Neither have they
  10. Why was the public masturbator released? he got off in court
  11. What starts with a Q and ends with a P? A long line to the public toilet.
  12. Why don't ghosts go out in public? Because they look like sheet
  13. I've been accused of objectifying women public class Woman extends Person {
  14. My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is... ...they never wink back.
  15. What do you call someone who doesn't pass gas in public? A private tooter (tutor)

Public School Jokes

Here is a list of funny public school jokes and even better public school puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Wow, Donald Trump is President. I haven't seen Democrats this mad since.... ...slavery was outlawed and the desegregation of public schools!
  • social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100% Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%
  • Prayer has no place in the public schools just like facts have no place in organized religion
  • What's the difference between a secret Taliban hideout and an Afghan public school? I don't know, I just fly the drone
  • How many public school teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whatever it says in the book.
  • Why won't you ever find Harry, Hermione or Ron crying in front of the rest of the school? Cuz, they belong to the bravest house.
    They don't cry publicly; they Grief-indoor.
  • What can you say at Mr. Olympia and a public school? Welcome to the gun show
  • I played the USSR anthem at my private school And now its a public school.
  • The American public school system Personally, I wish I didn't get it.
  • Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than the school shooting? The royal wedding doesn't happen every week.

Public Transport Jokes

Here is a list of funny public transport jokes and even better public transport puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.
  • LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups. Whoops, wrong bus.
  • Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down? Anubis
    (If you don't get it, say it slower.)
  • A dyslexic tries to use public transportation Whoops, wrong sub.
  • If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver
  • So my dyslexia makes it hard for me to take public transportation and... ...oops. Sorry. Wrong bus.
  • Did you know that every car going to and from the church on Sunday is a type of public transportation? They're all Mass transit.
  • I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty. Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.
  • Why did they plant trees in Harlem? Public transportation.
  • How to be Insulting on Public Transportation: Pretend to be foreign when the conductor asks for your fare and try to give him the wrong denomination of money.
Public joke

Public Transportation Jokes

Here is a list of funny public transportation jokes and even better public transportation puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Public transport isn't as depressing as it seems. I was on a bus yesterday at six in the morning... And this really nice guy offered me a sip from his can of cider.
  • As a dyslexic, I often misread numbers on public transport and get home late Whoops, wrong bus
  • TIFU by being dyslectic and using the wrong public transportation Whoops, wrong bus.
  • I tried to join a gymnastics class, once. I had to bend over backwards just to get in.
    Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.
  • My friend said he doesn't take public public transport because it's depressing. So I told him about this really friendly guy that I see on the bus who always offers me a sip of his beer... At 6am.
  • Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation. Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
  • TIFU by boarding public transportation when I realized that the driver was a nun. Whoops, wrong bus.
  • What do you call a bus full of gender fluid people? Public trans-portation
  • There was once a man that wanted to stop using public transportation to reach the workplace. But he just couldn't bring himself to it.
  • Do you know what's the sexiest form of public transportation? A Succubus

Public Speaking Jokes

Here is a list of funny public speaking jokes and even better public speaking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was trying to get over my fear of public speaking at a nudist colony. I just imagined everyone with their clothes on.
  • Did you know there are public speaking potatoes? Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.
  • TIL that martin luther king jr got a C in public speaking Look where it got him.
  • I was going to give a public address but I lost my speaking notes I was speechless!
  • Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter. ...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.
  • I took a public speaking class in college. I did a presentation about Free Speech. It was mostly just about the website where I downloaded my speech.
  • The most important element of public speaking? Podium
  • Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor? He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.
  • The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
  • The reason only mostly out of work Hollywood celebrities can speak publicly for Trump is because if any working celebrities did they would quickly become a mostly out of work Hollywood celebrity.

Public Health Jokes

Here is a list of funny public health jokes and even better public health puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Smoking seriously harms you and others around you So smoke casually for the sake of public health
  • It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well
  • Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it.
  • I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'. Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.
  • What good did the Trump administration do for the American public? Public health.
    With all the marches Trump triggers, the average American person has never been more fit
Public joke, What good did the Trump administration do for the American public?

Cheerful Fun Public Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about public you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean published jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make public pranks.

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.

Wireless Internet is like s**...

You still want it, even if it's unprotected and in a public place.

Regal Proceedings

If I was royalty, I would have a kid and call him Artist as a publicity stunt, before conceding to the pressure of public outcry, and renaming him something more regal.
So he may forever become known as The Prince Formerly Known As Artist.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

The Magic Mirror

In this public toilet, there's this magic mirror. Whenever you say something untruthful you disappear.
A red head walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the best legs in the world" and puff...she's gone.
Next a brunette walks into the toilets and says "I think I have the most sexist eyes" and puff...she's gone
Finally a blonde walks into the toilets and says "I think..." and puff she's gone!

What do you call a teacher that doesn't f**... in public?

A private tutor (tooter)
Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.


So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...

Why don't personal teachers f**... in public?

Because they're private tooters!

Always on duty

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.
"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,
"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

Three guys go to Heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:
"What did you do on Earth, son?"
I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"
"Come in, son!"
"And you?" to the second guy.
"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"
"Please come in, son"
Third guy answers: "I was a musician"
St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"

Noses and Boyfriends

Boyfriends are like noses...
People get disgusted when you blow them in public.
Especially if you're caught without a tissue

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

Why isn't North Korea democratic?

Because Kim Jung Un doesn't want a public e**...

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

If you ever trip in public...

...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been m**... on a bus..."

I was in in the public restroom

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

3 men are lined up for the firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**

What do you call a teacher that doesn't f**... in public?

a private tooter.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

Man sentenced to five years for m**... with soap in public.

Came clean in court.

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

I hate people who finds it disgusting when i breastfeed in public ..

It's completely normal and strenghtens the bond between me and my dog.

Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public...

I guess she wanted it to be more Loki.

I got arrested today for m**... in public

My lawyer then told me that we'd beat this together.

If Trump gets elected... will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday

Apparently one of them is going to be president

Did you hear about the guy with a f**... for public transportation?

He got off at every stop.

An officer was fired for smoking w**... and m**... on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high w**... officer

It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public

the hardest part about hitting a child in public...

is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him to a private school

All the sudden inthe private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,
"Why were you doing so bad in a
public school, and when we switched you to a
private school you did good?" The kid says,
"because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed
to a plus sign."

Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a f**..., more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-j**... Seinfeld

What do you call a guy who does not f**... in public?

A private tutor.

'Knock knock'

'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

I went to the public library yesterday looking for that one book about Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

How does a robot avoid getting caught for public m**...?

He nuts and bolts.

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,

... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]

What does a p**... call their g**...?

Their public parts

Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."

What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool?

"I was only practicing my breast s**..."

The reason women don't play football

The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.

The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.

Why do aliens avoid having s**... in public?

They prefer to come in peace

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

s**... in a car in public is like eating from a noisy bag of chips in Church...

Everyone will look at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."

Trump and Pense at a press briefing.

Trump: if we tested less, we'd have less cases .
Pense: fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that in public .

Did you hear about the undercover cop who uncovered a glory hole in a public toilet?

Turns out he received an anonymous tip.

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream g**...!
The German man responds, Groß? Danke!
Translation - Big? Thanks!

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.
The telecom technician replies: "For God's sake, what will be going on when we then put the mast into operation?"

Mouths are the new b**....

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!

Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a**... come together. I come once-a-more. Two a**..., they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."
A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? We don't talk about our s**... lives in public in this country!"
"Hey, relaxa, missa! Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Public joke, Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

jokes about public