The Best 74 Pub Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Pub jokes. There are some pub beer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pub drunk puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Pub Jokes and Puns
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
The pub is ten minutes from my house...
However, my house is two hours from the pub...
A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman
The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
A termite walks into a pub
and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
My rubbish dog joke.
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'
You can explore pub irishmen reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pub saloon dad jokes. There are also pub puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.
He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales dumbass." So I ask again 'are you two whales from Ireland?' And thats about all I can remember."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy at all. How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. It's either me or the pub, which one is it?
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, It's you. I can tell by the voice.
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
I was in a pub...
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.
The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.
"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.
I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he asked the old man, "and how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth", the old man answered.
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.
The bar tender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"
What did the Irishman text his Wife?
"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
My wife left me for another man.
All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.
A man needs WiFi at the local pub.
A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.
He asks for the WiFi password.
The bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, what's the WiFi password?
The bartender answers: You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.
Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!
A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"
"Before what gets started?"
"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"
It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.
The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another, quick, before it gets started!"
The barman gives him another whisky.
But when the man asks for a third one he says, "Hang on, when are you going to pay for these?"
"Oh here we go," says the man, "It's started."
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink....
The bartender asks "long day?"
"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
Misinterpretation
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.
"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
Welsh pub
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.
All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."
"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, Where are you? I said, I'm at the pub.
She said, I think the baby is coming
Me: I don't think he can get in. He will be underage.
Two conjoined twins walks into a pub
The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
A man was drinking in a British pub
...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.
"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.
"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub
The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.
A rich, young man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a few drinks. As he is enjoying his beer, he sees a mentally retarded man outside the building.
Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched the old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?
The old man replied, You're the eighth.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend and everyone was calling me a pedo because she is 21 and I'm 65...
Totally ruined our tenth anniversary.
A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.
A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry I can't serve you"
The Zebra asks "Why not?"
"Because you're barred" replies the bartender.
I just thought this up but I doubt I'm the first. Sorry if it is lame.
An American visiting the U.K .......
has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?
My wife went to the cinema with her friends
My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.
I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."
So a tourist walks into an English pub...
A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:
"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"
They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
I got arrested last night for murder...
I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.
The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.
I got a pay rise in my job.
At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.
Chemists in a pub
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?
The Allahu ak-Bar
A joke my mom told me when i was younger
An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!
wrong answer
A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.
"So?" asks the bartender.
And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer she was expecting."
Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...
...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED
> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary
Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"
Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"
A Card
Man, am I scared! confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.
Well, stay away from his wife, advised Seamus, and you have got no problem.
How can I? moaned Paddy, he did not sign his name.
Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...
One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:
"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"
Bert marks a pause, and replies:
"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"
It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to my pub and 15 for me to walk back.
The difference is staggering.
It takes me 5 minutes...
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. But, it takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.
The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"
The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"
The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"
He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them aflame. "Special, just for you."
The American frowns, "What the hell is this?"
"I call it a 9/11."
*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
4 men in a pub
4 men are chatting in a pub,
The first man says:"I sleep with my wife once a month",
The second man says :"i sleep twice a month",
The third says:"I sleep once a week",
The fourth man says:"I sleep twice a week",
Then the first man says: "What are you talking about? you aren't even married",
The fourth man replies: "Oh I thought everyone was talking about your wife".
I walked in a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on the table
I said:nice legs
And she said:You really think so?
I said: Yes, other tables would have collapsed by now
A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, That's nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
Cheaper Pub in the World
Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
‟That will be $0.05 please sir .
‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too
‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir .
‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps .
‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together .
‟This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I would like to thank him .
‟Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife .
‟...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?
‟Same thing I'm doing down here with his business .
2 Big Ladies
So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"
A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."
The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
SEO Expert walks into a bar...
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
An Irishman and an Scotsman's walk into a pub together
The Scotsman's yells out "Drinks for the house, on me!"
The next day the headlines read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pub speakeasy puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working pub tavern piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
