Psychologist Jokes
102 psychologist jokes and hilarious psychologist puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about psychologist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud at our funny collection of psychologist jokes! Whether you're a school psychologist, dating a psychologist, or imagining a retirement party for a Freudian psychiatrist, you'll find lighthearted quips and psychiatric delusions here.
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Funniest Psychologist Short Jokes
Short psychologist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The psychologist humour may include short psychotherapist jokes also.
- My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters... - If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist... congratulations, you're doing great!
- What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist? "Let me be Frank with you."
- How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.
- A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
- I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings Apparently it's an Apartment Complex
- A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
- A man goes to the doctor \- Doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere.
The doctor then asks:
\- Have you seen a psychologist?
The man:
\- No, no doctor, only blue elephants! - I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician... ...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.
- What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist? A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.
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Psychologist One Liners
Which psychologist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with psychologist? I can suggest the ones about psychiatrist and psychology.
- I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies. He started charging in advance.
- I went to a child psychologist once. He was rubbish. He was only seven.
- What undergarment does a psychologist wear? A Freudian Slip
- Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
- I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts. He's making me pay in advance now.
- Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist? Me: You shouldn't.
- What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet? You're fine, how am I?
- My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance We'll see about that
- I'm an armchair psychologist Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia
- What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity? They talk to themself.
- Why can't you hear psychologists urinate? Because the P is silent.
- What do you call a psychologist's clothes? Shrinkwrap
- Boss: Why should we hire you as an reverse psychologist? Me: You shouldn't
- I told my psychologist I was thinking about killing myself. He said, "How can I help?"
- What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear? A Freudian slip
School Psychologist Jokes
Here is a list of funny school psychologist jokes and even better school psychologist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a school full of fat psychologists and neuroscientists? A hippo-campus!
Witty Psychologist Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about psychologist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean student of psychology jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make psychologist pranks.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....
A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."
A psychologist tells the troubled man:
tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.
A men calls the hotel reception
He tells the manager, "I need help, my ex-wife is trying to jump out of the window", the manager replies "Do you want me to send a psychologist?", the men says "No, send the janitor, the window is stuck!"
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.
An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
A man walks into a psychologist's office..
A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane...
The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'
A n**... man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist.
A n**... man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist. He says, "Doc, something's wrong. I think I'm going crazy!" The psychologist replies, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."
A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."
A man walks into a psychologists office...
wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"
Weird Dreams
I've been having these weird dreams lately and, disturbed by them, I decide to call up my buddy who works as a psychologist.
He asks me what's wrong and I tell him about the weird dreams, "The first night, I dreamed I was a wigwam. And then the next night I had a dream I was a tipi. What do you think this means, doc?"
There was a brief pause before he replied, "Well, I think you're two tents."
What do the psychologist and the h**... say to each other after they spend the night together?
"That will be $150 please."
A guy wraps himself in plastic wrap
A guy wraps himself in plastic wrap, no clothes or anything and walks into a psychologists office.
The first thing she says is, "I can see your nuts."
My favorite p**... told me she was a licensed psychologist...
Blew my mind.
A man visit's a Psychologist
Man: Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm afraid of backstories.
Psychologist: When did this all start?
Man: Well- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.
"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.
"And why do you think that is, Matt?"
What is the similarity between a psychologist and a p**...?
They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.
A man goes in to talk to his psychologist.
A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac z**.... Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions
Not quite sure how I feel about it
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.
But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."
Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"
Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"
The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"
Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."
What do you call an angry psychologist?
A thera-p**....
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
Did you hear about that psychologist's awesome speech last night?
It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.
My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations
but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.
Turns out my psychologist is also a p**......
Totally blew my mind
A man says to his psychologist...
"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"
"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to work"
A tree with anxiety.
A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.
"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."
"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"
The tree smiles, "Releaved!""
I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into a set of curtains.
She said I should pull myself together.
A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.
"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday."
How many Freudian psychologists does it take it change a light bulb?
One to hold the ladder and the other to screw ~~your mother~~ it in.
Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after s**...
One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"
So a man had an appointment with a psychologist...
The man couldn't find any clean clothes to wear, so he decided to cover himself with saran wrap. As the man approaches the office, the psychologist says to him,
"I decided to cancel our appointment together."
"What? Why?" asked the man
"Because I can clearly see your nuts."
Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"
Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual state... How long have you felt this way?"
Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."
A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist
He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".
I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,
So I'm seeing a psychologist
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.
A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on
It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better
I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.
That's b**.... A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.
A Man Sees a Therapist Because He Isn't Getting Enough Sleep
(Go easy on me, I'm new to the sub)
Upon hearing this the therapist asks: "So when was your last s**... encounter?"
Clearly annoyed, the man responds: "Why does everything come back to s**... with you psychologists? My sleep has absolutely nothing to do with s**...!!"
And the therapist says: "How would YOU know? You're not getting any of either."
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter. How did that joke make you feel?
A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."
The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"
I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist
He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.
When I was younger I went to see a child psychologist
But he was s**...; he was only 7.
What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?
Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.
A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.
The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "
"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"
The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"
"That's odd"
A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.
Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?
He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.
Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?
He has way too many problems that need solving.
Two behavioral psychologists have s**....
When they finish, one says to the other, wow, you really enjoyed that! How was it for me?
Two psychologists are having s**...…
After they finish, one says to the other It was good for you. How was it for me?
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
***It's the lightbulb that has to want to change…***
What do you call a group of communist psychologists passed out drunk?
A collective unconscious.
A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"
She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"
A man goes to see a psychologist...
The man tells the doctor that he has a recurring nightmare in which two teams of rats play football.
The doctor said: 'Take this pill, and tonight the nightmare is gone.'
'I can't do that.' The other one said.
'Why not?' The doctor asked, puzzled.
With a grin on his face, he said: 'The final game of the season is tonight.'
