Psychologist Jokes

Laugh out loud at our funny collection of psychologist jokes! Whether you're a school psychologist, dating a psychologist, or imagining a retirement party for a Freudian psychiatrist, you'll find lighthearted quips and psychiatric delusions here.

Witty Psychologist Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

jokes about psychologist

A men calls the hotel reception

He tells the manager, "I need help, my ex-wife is trying to jump out of the window", the manager replies "Do you want me to send a psychologist?", the men says "No, send the janitor, the window is stuck!"

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.

An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?

A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

Psychologist joke, What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?

A man walks into a psychologist's office..

A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane...

The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist.

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist. He says, "Doc, something's wrong. I think I'm going crazy!" The psychologist replies, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

A man walks into a psychologists office...

wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"

You can explore psychologist delusions reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean psychologist sociologist dad jokes. There are also psychologist puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What did the messed up psychologist have for dinner?

Freud rice.

Not many people know that B.F. Skinner, the famous behavioral psychologist, had a second career as a stage magician.

His big trick was pulling a habit out of a rat.

How many psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb is going to need to change itself.

I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist...

She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder.

Now I feel like a distribution.

Weird Dreams

I've been having these weird dreams lately and, disturbed by them, I decide to call up my buddy who works as a psychologist.

He asks me what's wrong and I tell him about the weird dreams, "The first night, I dreamed I was a wigwam. And then the next night I had a dream I was a tipi. What do you think this means, doc?"

There was a brief pause before he replied, "Well, I think you're two tents."

Psychologist joke, Weird Dreams

What do the psychologist and the hooker say to each other after they spend the night together?

"That will be $150 please."

What do psychologists call a bear who likes to eat penguins?


My favorite prostitute told me she was a licensed psychologist...

Blew my mind.

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

A man visit's a Psychologist

Man: Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm afraid of backstories.

Psychologist: When did this all start?


Have you heard of the Austrian man Duerf?

He was the world's leading reverse psychologist

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.

"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.

"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute?

They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.

A man goes in to talk to his psychologist.

A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Psychologist joke, A man goes in to talk to his psychologist.

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

Who makes the most money from Father's Day?

My psychologist.

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?

A Freudian slip

What do you call an angry psychologist?

A thera-pissed.

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist

He had Freud rage

A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"

The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."

The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."

Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"

"So why on Earth did you come in here?"

"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

My psychologist told me....

My psychologist told me to stop being so narcissistic and surround myself with great people.

So I installed mirrors all over my house.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn't.

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations

but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to work"

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "Releaved!""

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

You're fine, how am I?

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into a set of curtains.

She said I should pull myself together.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

So a man had an appointment with a psychologist...

The man couldn't find any clean clothes to wear, so he decided to cover himself with saran wrap. As the man approaches the office, the psychologist says to him,

"I decided to cancel our appointment together."

"What? Why?" asked the man

"Because I can clearly see your nuts."

Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...

He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.

One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.

The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can't even speak in front of a more than a few people.

He starts off talking, timid and soft spoken.

The psychologist stops him and says Listen, first I'm gonna need you to be Frank with me

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"

Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual state... How long have you felt this way?"

Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I'm seeing a psychologist

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.

The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was hallucinating that we had a son. If only I was married...


How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

A Behavioral Psychologist just finished having sex with his wife

He turns to her and says "It was good for you, was it good for me?"

Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

I told my psychologist I was thinking about killing myself.

He said, "How can I help?"

What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity?

They talk to themself.

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

What did the psychologist say to the bread addict?

"You need to grain some self control there!"

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter. How did that joke make you feel?

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

When I was younger I went to see a child psychologist

But he was shit; he was only 7.

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "

"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"

The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"

"That's odd"

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?

He has way too many problems that need solving.

Boss: Why should we hire you as an reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn't

Two psychologists are having sex…

After they finish, one says to the other It was good for you. How was it for me?

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?


***It's the lightbulb that has to want to change…***

A man goes to the doctor

\- Doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere.

The doctor then asks:

\- Have you seen a psychologist?

The man:

\- No, no doctor, only blue elephants!

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

I'm an armchair psychologist

Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the psychologist behavioral puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working psychologist psychologically piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes