Amusing & Witty Psycho Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
A psychologist tells the troubled man:
tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.
My friend's a psychology major.
He's writing his thesis on the psychology of s**... fetishes. It's not ready yet, though- he still has some kinks to work out.
How many psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb is going to need to change itself.
psychology joke
How many psycho analyists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, provided the light bulb is ready to change.
What do the psychologist and the h**... say to each other after they spend the night together?
"That will be $150 please."
What do psychologists call a bear who likes to eat penguins?
bipolar...
Two Psychoanalysts
Are walking towards each other down a street. As they approach each other, one psychiatrist says "Well hello!" The other replies, "Good day to you!"
Both psychiatrists continue past each other and think to themselves: "Hmmm....I wonder what he meant by that?"
How did the crazy man get across the forrest?
He took the psycho path. ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
Why are the best psychoanalysists Asian?
Because they grew up listening to Pink Freud.
A man goes to the library and asks for the book "Psycho the r**..."..
The librarian slaps him and says it's "Psychotherapist"!
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.
You can explore psycho maniacal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean psycho paths dad jokes. There are also psycho puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Psychology vs Law
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."
I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet
Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.
A psychopath, a racist and a police officer walk into a bar
He orders a beer.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.
I'm on my way to get a Psychological evaluation for a new job
Why does everyone keep wishing me luck?
How do really crazy people get through the forest?
Via the psycho path.
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions
Not quite sure how I feel about it
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
Caffeine is like my psycho girlfriend.
As long as we're together everything is great, but if I ignore it for one day, it tries to kill me.
The relationship between a man and a woman is psychological.
She's a psycho and he's logical.
What do psychotherapists wear on their feet in the morning?
Freudian slippers
A psychoanalyst says he thinks he is going crazy
Another psychoanalyst thinks to himself "Im aFreud he is going to commit s**.... He is too Jung to die"
My psychologist told me:
"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...
My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...
Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.
Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)
β’ Drinkand Dr.
β’ Vicious Circle
β’ West 943,185th Street
β’ Psycho Path
β’ Peoples Ct.
β’ Nofriggin Way
What is the scariest way to get through the woods?
The psycho path
My psychologist told me....
My psychologist told me to stop being so narcissistic and surround myself with great people.
So I installed mirrors all over my house.
What do you call a mental hospital's corridors?
Psycho paths
My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD
At least I think that's what she was saying.
My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations
but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.
How can you tell if a psychopath is a magician?
They make everyone disappear.
How did the crazy person find their way through the woods?
They took the psycho path.
Whamo!
Been married for 20 years
Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.
I finally watched that movie about the Psycho clown that destroyed the lives of innocent children.
Halfway into it I realised it was just a string of old McDonald's Ads.
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?
You're fine, how am I?
A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.
"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday."
I'm a psychology student and I love it
I guess it's true that if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life
My psychotherapist said we should go out for a date.
Who's the crazy one now?
I've been dating this girl whose psycho ex-boyfriend is a plumber.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
A r**... victim went to see a Psychotherapist. She left the building running and screaming before her session.
The sign on the door said;
Psycho
the
r**...
My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance
We'll see about that
My ex called me today, begging me to look at an MRI she had recently
She said it would prove she had been acting crazy due to brain damage. Having been lied to so many times before I scoffed. Told her I wasn't having any of her psycho schematic b**...
My psychologist died just yesterday...
But how did that make me feel?
How does a psychoanalyst change a light bulb?
Guiding the light bulb to change by itself.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.
Psychology Professor: Who here has heard of Pavlov?
Me: Rings a bell
A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted Hello Jim, do you know who I am? ...
Jim replied.. Of course I do, your Psycho The r**...!
Why psychologists don't like b**... s**...?
-because they only like DSM
What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity?
They talk to themself.
A psychopath, a sociopath and an empath walk into a bar...
I know there's a joke in there somewhere.
Any suggestions?
I just can't make it out.
My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...
She was Psycho and I was Logical.
How many of you believe in psychokinesis?
Raise my hand.
How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods?
They followed the psycho path.
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But the lightbulb has to want to change.
Have a daughter named after my mother in law
Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week
I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.
That's b**.... A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.
My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".
I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.
What did the psychologist say to the bread addict?
"You need to grain some self control there!"
I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...
6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter. How did that joke make you feel?
What path do Hannibal Lecter, Norman Bates, and Freddy Krueger take walks on?
Psycho Path.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.
How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.
Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?
He has way too many problems that need solving.
Two psychologists are having s**...β¦
After they finish, one says to the other It was good for you. How was it for me?
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
***It's the lightbulb that has to want to changeβ¦***
All my problems with my wife are psychological.
She's psycho and I'm logical.
Does anyone here believe in psychokinesis?
Raise my hand.
What did the psychology textbook say to the math textbook?
You've got problems!
Why did the psychotherapist ask his suicidal patient to change his name to βJeffrey Epstein ?
To make sure he doesn't kill himself.
We have a beautiful little girl
who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.
3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar
Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?
Sigmund Freud says: I'll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass
Carl Jung says: I'll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass
Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?
Third guy says proudly: oui oui, I am from France
Bartender: well, a french lager probably like your pals; bottle or a pint?
Jacques says: a lager oui, but do you have it in Lacan?
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb must really want to change.
I don't know much about psychology or sociology
But I reckon I can explain the Dunning-Kruger effect better than anyone else.
Divorce is a psychological process
One is psycho, the other is logical
