Psychic Jokes

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.

Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply.

What do you call a midget psychic running from the law?

A small medium at large.

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped police custody?

Be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

What do you call it when a Korean plays kickball?

A Psychic

A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper

"Small medium at large"

Did you hear about the psychic midget who is wanted by the FBI?

She's a small medium at large.

Did you hear about that psychic who performed self-immolation in public today?

It's rare to see a medium well done.

FROG'S DREAM GIRL

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison

There's a small medium at large.

I knew the Psychic was a phony as soon as she accepted my check.

A psychic goes into a clothing store

A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.
Employee: "How about this shirt?"
Psychic: "That shirt is too small."
Employee: "You didn't even try it on"
Psychic: "Because I am a medium"

I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

I put out a Want ad for a psychic...

It said, "You know when and where to show up. Don't be late."

What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police?

A small medium at large.

My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating

That's the last time I banged a psychic

I got the job as a psychic!

I don't know how.

Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."

Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

Why did the chicken talk with a psychic?

To speak to the other side.

What's the best part about f**......

What's the best part of f**... a psychic while she's on her period?
You still get your palm red

A midget psychic broke out of prison.

Now there's a small medium at large.

Best thing about f**... a psychic on her period?

You still get your palm read.

What do you get when a short psychic escapes prison?

A small medium at large!

What do you call an anonymous psychic?

A 4chan teller
...I'll see myself out

So h**... decides to go see a psychic...

...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".

What do you call a short, psychic who is wanted?

A small medium at large

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, s**...?" Before I even said a word!

A psychic dwarf escaped from jail

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

The first rule of psychic club.

Don't think about psychic club.

A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."
"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"
"Ha! That's what you think!"

h**... goes to a psychic and asks...

On what day will I die?
The psychic says, On a Jewish holiday.
Skeptical, h**... asks, How can you be so sure?
Any day, on which you die, explains the psychic, will be a Jewish holiday.

A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

I nearly beat up a psychic for being phony.

Too bad he saw it coming.

Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

What do you call a psychic cow?

Medium Rare.

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

A psychic dwarf has been on the run from the police for months...

He is a small medium at large.

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

until he loudly announced that I had blown a t**... in my car.

What do you call a 3ft tall psychic who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

Not to brag, but I have a psychic ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say....It's a gift.

Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped prison?

News headlines say "Small medium at large".

What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run?

A small medium at large

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, you are thinking, It's psychic, idiot!

I've got an appointment with my psychic next week....

but she's just phoned me to say that I can't make it.

Not to brag but, I have sycik powers.

For example, right now you are thinking " Its **psychic** ,you idiot."

A midget who went to prison for scamming people with his so-called psychic readings escaped.

Small medium at large.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."

Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.
But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fate.
I personally will never let it go that I'll never hear an album from the math rock legends the Al Gore Rhythms.

Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?
Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist

A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!
She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, b**... job, nose job and looked amazing!
After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died.
Upon arriving at heaven she cried and cried! "I was supposed to have 40 more years!"
God said "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you."

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy.

The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I'd live forever.

What do you call a child psychic running from police?

A small medium at large.

A psychic goes into a store. The shop employee hands her a sweater in size large, and she says it's too big. The employee asks how she knows without trying it on.

The psychic replies, I'm a medium.

Did you hear about the little person who used his psychic abilities to escape prison?

He's a small medium at large.

A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"

Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"

My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic

He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller

he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."
"That's great!" says the excited frog.
"When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."