Psychic Jokes
106 psychic jokes and hilarious psychic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about psychic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make yourself chuckle with these psychic jokes about Pokemon, nameplate incomes, and Cleo. Get ready for some puns and punchlines to make your day funnier!
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Funniest Psychic Short Jokes
Short psychic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The psychic humour may include short clairvoyant jokes also.
- Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work. - Karen goes to the psychic... "Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"
"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one." - Great news! I got the whole plane to myself! The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
- I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her. Bet she didn't see that coming.
- Psychic buys clothing Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small
Employee: You didn't even try it on
Psychic: I'm a medium - A psychic midget has escaped from prison.. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
- Two psychics pass each other in the street.. One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"
- What's the Best Way To Embarrass A Psychic On Their Birthday? Throw Them A Surprise Party.
- Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death." Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
- Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education. Man: How do you know this?
Psychic: Mostly in tuition.
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Psychic One Liners
Which psychic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with psychic? I can suggest the ones about psycho and fortune teller.
- I went to a psychic… I knocked on her front door
She yelled who is it?
So I left - Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than a surprise party.
- Psychic wanted: You know where to apply.
- What do you call a 4 foot psychic that got away with robbery? A small medium at large
- Two. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
- Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt? Because he was a medium
- I knew the psychic was a fraud the second she accepted my check
- A man walks into a psychic barber shop Barber: say no more
- Why did the psychic get fired? Because she didn't see it coming.
- Once I was almost in love with a psychic She left me before we met.
- Why did the dyslexic engineer fail college? Because he didn't understand psychics.
- A midget psychic broke out of prison. Now there's a small medium at large.
- What do you call a psychic cow? Medium Rare.
- Why are there no psychics who enjoy life Happy mediums don't exist
- What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future? Non-prophet.
Quirky and Hilarious Psychic Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about psychic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mystic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make psychic pranks.
Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.
Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply.
What do you call it when a Korean plays kickball?
A Psychic
A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper
"Small medium at large"
Did you hear about the psychic midget who is wanted by the FBI?
She's a small medium at large.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
Did you hear about that psychic who performed self-immolation in public today?
It's rare to see a medium well done.
I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.
Must have been an insight joke...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Excuse me -are you a psychic h**...?
**cuz you just blew my mind.**
*full cr
Why should you attempt to hit a psychic who is smiling?
Because you should always try and strike a happy medium!
I went to an illiterate psychic
I couldn't get a reading
I knew the Psychic was a phony as soon as she accepted my check.
I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.
It cost me a fortune.
I put out a Want ad for a psychic...
It said, "You know when and where to show up. Don't be late."
What do you call a psychic on /b/?
A 4Chan-Teller
I started seeing a psychic.
I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.
My wife saw a psychic and found out I was cheating
That's the last time I banged a psychic
I got the job as a psychic!
I don't know how.
A coworker of mine dated a psychic
He told me she was very unique and well cultured.
I asked if she was a rare medium, well-done?
I once called a psychic.
She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
Why did the chicken talk with a psychic?
To speak to the other side.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best part about f**......
What's the best part of f**... a psychic while she's on her period?
You still get your palm red
Psychic convention cancelled ...
... due to unforeseen circumstances
What do you call an anonymous psychic?
A 4chan teller
...I'll see myself out
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So h**... decides to go see a psychic...
...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. h**..., obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.
After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, s**...?" Before I even said a word!
I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police
It's called: Small Medium at Large
The first rule of psychic club.
Don't think about psychic club.
A psychic talk show was cancelled
Due to unforseen circumstances.
I was going to go to the Psychics Conference.
But it was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.
My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.
Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got o**... s**... from a psychic yesterday.
It was mind blowing.
I nearly beat up a psychic for being phony.
Too bad he saw it coming.
Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]
When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a happy medium. (But in the end it didn't work out, she said she couldn't see a future together.)
Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?
Because they already had plenty of mediums.
I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.
Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?
Why did the psychic medium hang himself?
To get to the other side.
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic
until he loudly announced that I had blown a t**... in my car.
My psychic is 500 lbs and morbidly obese.
They're a four-chin teller.
Not to brag, but I have a psychic ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
You can say....It's a gift.
Did you hear about that Dwarf psychic that just escaped from prison?
He's a small medium at large.
What do you call a short psychic that's just committed a crime?
A small medium at large!
C'mon!
I've got an appointment with my psychic next week....
but she's just phoned me to say that I can't make it.
I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken's spirit haunting my home.
He called it a poultrygeist.
What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?
I could prophet off of this.
A high school senior visits a psychic...
"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."
Al Gore is in the wrong line of work
Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.
But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fate.
I personally will never let it go that I'll never hear an album from the math rock legends the Al Gore Rhythms.
Patient: Doc: I think I'm psychic.
Psychiatrist: When did this happen?
Patient: Next Thursday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Psychic's advice
A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!
She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, b**... job, nose job and looked amazing!
After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died.
Upon arriving at heaven she cried and cried! "I was supposed to have 40 more years!"
God said "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Being unemployed is horrible.
I never thought I'd lose my job as a psychic.
What you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller
I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy.
The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I'd live forever.
Woman goes to psychic
"When will I find my soulmate"
Psychic: "Never"
"How do you know, you haven't even looked at my palms yet?"
"I looked at your face"
I used to date a psychic, but she broke up with me.
She said I wasn't spontaneous enough.
I'm pretty sure a psychic made this jar of salsa.
It's medium salsa
Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?
Me: Yes
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: Oh my god, it's her!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a psychic dwarf is evading the police...
Does that make him a small medium at large?
A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"
Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"
My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic
He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"
I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?
She said sorry, we only have mediums
Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..
It's really hard to find the happy Medium..
