The Best 88 Psychiatrist Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Psychiatrist jokes. There are some psychiatrist psychoanalysis jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these psychiatrist doc puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Psychiatrist Jokes and Puns
A naked guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...
"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy tells his psychiatrist:
"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."
A teacher I had in high school told me this one. It may better when told out loud rather than read, but it's still funny.
A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office.
The psychiatrist looks at the man and says,
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
A man walks into a dentist's office and says "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!"
The dentist says, "I think you want the psychiatrist down the hall."
And the man replies, "Yeah, but your light was on."
My grandpa's favorite joke
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"
my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..
was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch.
This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
You can explore psychiatrist hallucinations reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean psychiatrist psychologist dad jokes. There are also psychiatrist puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?
How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body
The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
(MASH s1 ep7)
I've been having hallucinations lately.
I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.
A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...
When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"
I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
The invisible man and the shrink
The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible.
The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...
I'll show him.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but first the lightbulb must decide to change itself.
So a mentally disturbed man walks into a dentist's office.
He says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!"
"You think you're a moth??" the dentist asks.
"Yes!"
"Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist."
"I know," says the man.
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Well, you're light was on, so..."
My favorite psychiatrist joke
A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"
How many psychiatrists does it...
...take to change a light bulb?
0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.
A guy walked into a dentist's office...
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook
So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.
Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist
I went to the psychiatrist today
I told him that I have started hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel
He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.
Cat with mental disorder
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
"You are fine, how am I?"
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,
"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb will change when it's ready
My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality
I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.
I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film.
He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"
The guy says, "Your light was on."
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.
Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Invisible...
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy".
I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!"
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.
Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion..
He said fine, you're ugly too
-Rodney Dangerfield
-
Man goes to a psychiatrist wearing only saran wrap for shorts.
Psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...
And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him
I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog
He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
A man wrapped only on Saran Wrap walked into a psychiatrist's office.
The psychiatrist says "well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Happy Pi Day
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of Ο.
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office
He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"
I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"
He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?
"The lamp told me about it"
My friend stopped talking to me...
Thanks to his imaginary psychiatrist who told him I wasn't real.
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing Saran-wrap pants?
I can clearly see you're nuts.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?
I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.
I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices.
He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.
And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?
The patient answered, Sex.
The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?
Sex, the patient replied.
Then the doctor drew a triangle.
It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.
You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.
*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But that light bulb has really got to want to change.
My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.
And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist
The Psychiatrist
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.
"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.
"A tit," says the guy.
The psychiatrist then draws a square.
"What's this?
"It's a tit," says the guy.
The psychiatrist then draws a triangle and shows it to the guy.
"So, what do you think this is?"
"It's a tit!" yells the guy.
"Sir, I'm afraid you have serious sexual issues," says the psychiatrist.
"I have issues? What about you? You keep drawing tits!"
My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.
I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"
A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation
So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It seems you have obsession with sex." he speculates.
"Me?" answers the shocked man. "Who drew all this filth?"
I hate it when you open up to people and they leave
I told my psychiatrist that I'm having hallucinations and he just vanished.
i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts
he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.
He said, Okay, you're ugly too.
-Rodney Dangerfield
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
Give me your best lightbulb joke.
I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160
I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
Doctor. I think I'm a moth
A man goes to see a surgeon and says,
Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."
Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"
Man: "Your light was on."
A man wrapped in saran wrap and not wearing any clothes walks into a psychiatrist office.
The psychiatrist says, I can clearly see you're nuts.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...
"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."
so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going to bed tonight and the dreams will be gone".
to which the guy replies: "no no no doctor, not tonight because it's the FINALS".
Relapse
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "
paranoid fantasies
A woman is laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says, "I want to talk about these paranoid fantasies you've been having of being stalked by a man who is disguising himself as furniture. How long have you been having these delusions?"
The woman says, "About 5 months."
The couch says, "It's been 6 months, actually."
Patient: Am I a bad person because I occasionally like to vape?
Psychiatrist: Not at all. It's really not a big deal.
Patient: Thanks! That's such a velief
If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...
congratulations, you're doing great!
The number 8 goes to see a psychiatrist ...
The psychiatrist says, "Would you like to lay down on the couch?" and the number 8 replies, "No thank you, I don't want to be here forever."
I went to see a psychiatrist today..
Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrapβ¦
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, I can clearly see your nuts .
Doctor, a man told his psychiatrist, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
That's nonsense, said the psychiatrist. I like sausages myself.
You do! the man shrieked. You should come and see my collection I've got thousands!
A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."
"Easy diagnosis", the doctor says. "He's too tense."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the psychiatrist shrink puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working psychiatrist psychiatrist visit piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
