Following is our collection of hallucinations humor and psychoanalysis one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Psychiatrist puns for adults, dirty psychologist jokes or clean doc gags for kids.
There is an abundance of shrink jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on psychiatrist. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any psychiatrist visit witze you can hear about psychiatrist.
I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"
The guy says, "Your light was on."
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
I'll show him.
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
"You are fine, how am I?"
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"
I told him that I have started hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"
"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
...take to change a light bulb?
0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.
So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.
Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist
He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"
He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
The dentist says, "I think you want the psychiatrist down the hall."
And the man replies, "Yeah, but your light was on."
Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
(MASH s1 ep7)
I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!"
The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,
"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
He says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!"
"You think you're a moth??" the dentist asks.
"Yes!"
"Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist."
"I know," says the man.
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Well, you're light was on, so..."
He said fine, you're ugly too
-Rodney Dangerfield
-
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
Thanks to his imaginary psychiatrist who told him I wasn't real.
None, the light bulb will change when it's ready
How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.
He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible.
The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."
The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"
The doctor is alarmed, but continues to check. He next listens to the ankle and hears, "Doctor, do you think you could spare me 10 dollars? I'm good for it!"
Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's shin and hears, "You look like the reliable type, do you think you could spot me 20 dollars?"
The doctor sighs, and tells his patient the bad news. "Well, it seems your leg is broke in three places."
A wife was lying in her bed with her fourth husband, they were just married and very much in love. Says the wife, "please be gentle, I am still a virgin." So the husband asks, "how can you be a virgin if you've been married three times?".
Says the wife:
My first husband was a psychiatrist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynaecologist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector. *sigh* I miss that man.
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.
Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office.
The psychiatrist looks at the man and says,
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him
The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."
The psychiatrist says "well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
The smoker says, "This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, I just want to quit!"
The alcoholic says,"Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can't even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle."
The gay guy says, "Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were."
The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice.
The psychiatrist then says, "The only thing is, if you ever has a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any sexual contact with another man again, you will drop dead."
Afterwards, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them.
"I can't take this anymore, I need a drink!" The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead.
The smoker and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The smoker says, "Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air." They go outside and on the table there is an ashtray which has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we're both dead.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds:
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him"
He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?
"The lamp told me about it"
Only one, but first the lightbulb must decide to change itself.
Psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"
The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
...but I don't get it, she just kept on showing me pictures of my parents fighting.
He had an apartment complex.
Because the pee is silent
While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?
The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.
No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?
Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?
*tell him no.*
Patient: No.
Because the 'p' is silent.
He said "Don't be ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you yet"
So a man is out late at night, walking to his doctors office. He gets there and knocks on the door. The doctor comes out and asks the man why he came so late. The man responds by saying:
''Doc, i'm sorry to be bothering you at such a late hour, but I think that I may be turning into a moth!"
"A moth! You don't need to see me, you need to see a psychiatrist!" says the doctor
"Well, I was on my way, but I noticed that your light was on!"
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Dentist asks "what are you doing here?"
The guy goes "I think i'm a moth"
The dentist asks "what?"
And the guy repeats "i think i'm a moth"
The dentist, upset, says "well then, you have mental problems. you need to see a psychiatrist."
The guys says "i know"
Dentist tells him "you're in a dentist's office."
And the guy, again, says "i know"
And the dentist asks "well then, what are you doing here? why did you come here?"
And the guy says to the dentist: "the light was on"
Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.
The Doctor scoffs You must be joking! You seriously think you're a moth?
Yes the man cries I've been doing moth things, I'm having moth thoughts.. I'm pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it's starting to worry me!
The Doctor replies Well, you've come in to the wrong clinic, you should of went to the Psychiatrist across the street
When the man replies Well that's where I was going but your porch light was on!
My uncle told me this idk where he got it haha
Now I'm taking things for it.
Because he had metal health problems...
So a man goes to a psychiatrist and tell the man, "Sir, my brother thinks he's a chicken." So the psychiatrist replies, "Well then, why don't you bring him in?" Then the man tells him, "Well, sir, I would, but we need the eggs."
He said Alright. You're ugly too!
The guy's wearing only plastic wrap for underwear. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can see your nuts."
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Psychiatrist says, "There's no need to worry. I only do that in extreme cases."
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.