Psychiatrist Jokes
117 psychiatrist jokes and hilarious psychiatrist puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about psychiatrist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some lighthearted fun? Check out these psychiatrist jokes! From silly puns to clever wordplay, these quips are sure to make you and your friends laugh. Explore the funny side of psychiatry and pediatrician humor with jokes about visiting the doctor, dealing with hallucinations, and more.
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Funniest Psychiatrist Short Jokes
Short psychiatrist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The psychiatrist humour may include short psychologist jokes also.
- I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
- If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist... congratulations, you're doing great!
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
Give me your best lightbulb joke. - I've been having hallucinations lately. I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.
- A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless. The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
- I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
- I went to see a psychiatrist today.. Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,
- Happy Pi Day Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell. - A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"
- Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
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Psychiatrist One Liners
Which psychiatrist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with psychiatrist? I can suggest the ones about psychotherapist and physician.
- My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
- My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues... I'll show him.
- How do two psychiatrists greet each other? "You are fine, how am I?"
- Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist? His-panic disorder.
- Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist? He had an apartment complex.
- Why did the robot see a psychiatrist? Because he had metal health problems...
- My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem. I think he's very wrong.
- My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears… I was afraid that she'd ask that
- Why did they arrest my psychiatrist ? Because he was therapist.
- Why was the magnet seeing the Psychiatrist? Because it was bipolar.
- Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill
- My psychiatrist told me I was dissociating What a weird way to start a conversation.
- Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation? Ever since I was a puppy.
- My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd. I had to correct it to OCD.
- A grown man called me autistic today. Never talking to my psychiatrist again.
Psychiatrist Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny psychiatrist up jokes and even better psychiatrist up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
- I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.
Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist - The number 8 goes to see a psychiatrist ... The psychiatrist says, "Would you like to lay down on the couch?" and the number 8 replies, "No thank you, I don't want to be here forever."
- my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia.. was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
(MASH s1 ep7) - I hate it when you open up to people and they leave I told my psychiatrist that I'm having hallucinations and he just vanished.
- My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball. And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion.. He said fine, you're ugly too
-Rodney Dangerfield
- - A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.
- My friend stopped talking to me... Thanks to his imaginary psychiatrist who told him I wasn't real.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Psychiatrist Jokes
What funny jokes about psychiatrist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean psychiatric jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make psychiatrist pranks.
Depressed race car mechanic.
Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'
A guy tells his psychiatrist:
"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."
Mothman
So a man is out late at night, walking to his doctors office. He gets there and knocks on the door. The doctor comes out and asks the man why he came so late. The man responds by saying:
''Doc, i'm sorry to be bothering you at such a late hour, but I think that I may be turning into a moth!"
"A moth! You don't need to see me, you need to see a psychiatrist!" says the doctor
"Well, I was on my way, but I noticed that your light was on!"
A teacher I had in high school told me this one. It may better when told out loud rather than read, but it's still funny.
A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office.
The psychiatrist looks at the man and says,
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
This one's incredibly old, but it's still as funny to me today as it was 500 years ago
So a man goes to a psychiatrist and tell the man, "Sir, my brother thinks he's a chicken." So the psychiatrist replies, "Well then, why don't you bring him in?" Then the man tells him, "Well, sir, I would, but we need the eggs."
My grandpa's favorite joke
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his s**... life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, s**... and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
I complained to my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said "Don't be ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you yet"
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
Guilty and Depression!
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've spent the last hour m**... on the couch.
This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office.
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a pair of see through cellophane underwear.
Doc takes one look at the guy and exclaims. "well I can clearly see your nuts!"
A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body
The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...
When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a m**...!?"
I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a piece of shrink wrap...
The doctor looks up and says;
"I can clearly see your nuts."
My favorite psychiatrist joke
A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"
How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?
Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
A guy walked into a dentist's office...
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."
The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."
My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality
I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film.
He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"
The guy says, "Your light was on."
Invisible...
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
A psychiatrist and their patient were talking.
Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?
*tell him no.*
Patient: No.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked into my psychiatrist's office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear…
The doctor took one look at me and said, Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy".
I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!"
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.
Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...
And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
My psychiatrist made me do a Rorschach test today...
...but I don't get it, she just kept on showing me pictures of my parents fighting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind I'd like to have a second opinion.
He said Alright. You're ugly too!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex wife's favorite joke.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"
He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?
"The lamp told me about it"
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"
The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing Saran-wrap pants?
I can clearly see you're nuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy
I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Psychiatrist
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.
"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.
"A t**...," says the guy.
The psychiatrist then draws a square.
"What's this?
"It's a t**...," says the guy.
The psychiatrist then draws a triangle and shows it to the guy.
"So, what do you think this is?"
"It's a t**...!" yells the guy.
"Sir, I'm afraid you have serious s**... issues," says the psychiatrist.
"I have issues? What about you? You keep drawing t**...!"
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!
Unless it's a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...
A woman walked into Dr Smith's office and introduced herself.
Hi, I'm Dr Yvette Tan, I've just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice .
Despite some misgivings, Dr Tan assured him she'd be needed eventually, and once he'd checked all her papers, he set her up in an empty office down the hall.
The next morning a man came in to see him and yelled out Doctor! I feel like I'm a dog!
Ah yes, the doctor replies, I think you'll need to see Yvette
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation
So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A n**... woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A n**... woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having s**...." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It seems you have obsession with s**...." he speculates.
"Me?" answers the shocked man. "Who drew all this filth?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The ink blot test
This guy is with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist decides to give him a Rorschach ink blot test.
The psychiatrist shows him the first ink blot.
The guy says "That's a man and a woman having s**...".
The psychiatrist shows him the second ink blot
The guy says "That's a man and two women having o**... s**...".
Same thing happens through the whole test. EVERY ink blot, in his mind, has something to do with s**....
At the end of the test the Psychiatrist looks at the guy and says "I know your problem. You're a s**... MANIAC"!
The guy looks at him and says "ME??? YOU'RE the one showing all the dirty pictures"!
A lady walks in to her psychiatrist's office with a duck on a leash...
The doctor takes a look and says, "How can I help you, ma'am?"
"Thank you, doctor. But, it's not me, it's my husband. He thinks he's a duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.
He said, Okay, you're ugly too.
-Rodney Dangerfield
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160
I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
Doctor. I think I'm a moth
A man goes to see a surgeon and says,
Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."
Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"
Man: "Your light was on."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wrapped in saran wrap and not wearing any clothes walks into a psychiatrist office.
The psychiatrist says, I can clearly see you're nuts.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...
"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."
so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going to bed tonight and the dreams will be gone".
to which the guy replies: "no no no doctor, not tonight because it's the FINALS".
Relapse
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "
A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"
The shrink asks, "When did this start?"
"Next Tuesday"
