Psych Jokes

Think you know all the jokes about psychology? Check out this collection of hilarious one-liners about psychiatric care, school psychology, the mentalist and more. Get ready for a side-splitting tour of the mental health profession!

Entertaining Psych Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

Two.

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..

was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol

I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year.

But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung

jokes about psych

A psychiatrist diagnosed me with kleptomania.

Now I'm taking things for it.

My friend's a psychology major.

He's writing his thesis on the psychology of sexual fetishes. It's not ready yet, though- he still has some kinks to work out.

How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?

How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Psych joke, How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!

(MASH s1 ep7)

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...

I'll show him.

You can explore psych psychiatric reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean psych psychosis dad jokes. There are also psych puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but first the lightbulb must decide to change itself.

Why did the psychic get fired?

Because she didn't see it coming.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday about some problems I have been having lately...

After testing me he said, "the diagnosis isn't good. You are crazy." I said,"well I want a second opinion." He said, "Oh yeah? You are ugly too."

Psych visit

A guys shows up at a psychiatrist's office nude, wrapped in celophane. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

How many psychiatrists does it...

...take to change a light bulb?

0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.

Psych joke, How many psychiatrists does it...

I went to go see a psychic the other day..

I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison

There's a small medium at large.

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

Two psychics pass each other in the street..

One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"

I went to the psychiatrist today

I told him that I have started hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

A psychic goes into a clothing store

A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.

Employee: "How about this shirt?"

Psychic: "That shirt is too small."

Employee: "You didn't even try it on"

Psychic: "Because I am a medium"

I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

A psychopath, a racist and a police officer walk into a bar

He orders a beer.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.

Psych joke, How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

Psychic buys clothing

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

Psychic wanted:

You know where to apply.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the light bulb will change when it's ready

My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality

I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.

I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film.

He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"

Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt?

Because he was a medium

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

A psychiatrist and their patient were talking.

Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?

*tell him no.*

Patient: No.

A psychic midget has escaped from prison..

Police are looking for a small medium at large.ο»Ώ

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations

but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy".

I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!"

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

You're fine, how am I?

A psychic dwarf escaped from jail

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."

Me: "Wow, my first A+"

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion..

He said fine, you're ugly too

-Rodney Dangerfield
-

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog

He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

My psychiatrist made me do a Rorschach test today...

...but I don't get it, she just kept on showing me pictures of my parents fighting.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind I'd like to have a second opinion.

He said Alright. You're ugly too!

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

A psychic dwarf has been on the run from the police for months...

He is a small medium at large.

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing Saran-wrap pants?

I can clearly see you're nuts.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But the lightbulb has to want to change.

I went to a psychic and knocked on her door...

She asked who is it
So I left.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy

I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?

I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.

A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?

The patient answered, Sex.

The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?

Sex, the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.

You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.

*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!

My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".

I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But that light bulb has really got to want to change.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

The Psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.

"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.

"A tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a square.

"What's this?

"It's a tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a triangle and shows it to the guy.

"So, what do you think this is?"

"It's a tit!" yells the guy.

"Sir, I'm afraid you have serious sexual issues," says the psychiatrist.

"I have issues? What about you? You keep drawing tits!"

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.

How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.

Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.

He said, Okay, you're ugly too.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

Two psychologists are having sex…

After they finish, one says to the other It was good for you. How was it for me?

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy.

The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I'd live forever.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

A psychic goes into a store. The shop employee hands her a sweater in size large, and she says it's too big. The employee asks how she knows without trying it on.

The psychic replies, I'm a medium.

If a psychic dwarf is evading the police...

Does that make him a small medium at large?

A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"

Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?"

\- because, he wants to buy a gallon of potatoes and he didn't bring a bottle

Psychedelic Harmony..

There I was, in the middle of nowhere.. Not a body for miles around.. As I lay in the silence, I started hearing murmurs; whispers of tales and epics long past.. The silence was talking to me.. I fell into a sweet melancholy.. As I listened to the silence, a calm trance took hold of me, the harmony of nature was filling up my soul.. The flurry of unknown sensations kept stimulating my senses, and I started to wonder how I got here and what was happening to me.. Then it dawned on me,


My brother must have kept the cookies hidden for a reason..

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

Why did the psychotherapist ask his suicidal patient to change his name to β€žJeffrey Epstein ?

To make sure he doesn't kill himself.

I went to see a psychiatrist today..

Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,

Went to the psychiatrist today…

She told me I have a split personality and charged me $150.

I gave her $75, and told her she can get the rest from the other idiot!

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6" The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?" The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"

3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar

Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?

Sigmund Freud says: I'll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass

Carl Jung says: I'll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass

Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?

Third guy says proudly: oui oui, I am from France

Bartender: well, a french lager probably like your pals; bottle or a pint?

Jacques says: a lager oui, but do you have it in Lacan?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the psych psych visit puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working psych psych ward piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes