The Best 86 Psych Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Psych jokes. There are some psych jung jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these psych doctorate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Psych Jokes and Puns

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

Two.

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..

was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol

Psych joke, my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia..

I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year.

But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung

A psychiatrist diagnosed me with kleptomania.

Now I'm taking things for it.


My psychiatrist said I'm crazy.

I told him, "I demand a second opinion!"

He said, "Ok, you're ugly, too."

My friend's a psychology major.

He's writing his thesis on the psychology of sexual fetishes. It's not ready yet, though- he still has some kinks to work out.

Psych joke, My friend's a psychology major.

How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?

How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!

(MASH s1 ep7)

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

You can explore psych psychiatric reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean psych psychosis dad jokes. There are also psych puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...

I'll show him.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but first the lightbulb must decide to change itself.

Why did the psychic get fired?

Because she didn't see it coming.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday about some problems I have been having lately...

After testing me he said, "the diagnosis isn't good. You are crazy." I said,"well I want a second opinion." He said, "Oh yeah? You are ugly too."

Psych visit

A guys shows up at a psychiatrist's office nude, wrapped in celophane. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

Psych joke, Psych visit

How many psychiatrists does it...

...take to change a light bulb?

0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.

I went to go see a psychic the other day..

I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison

There's a small medium at large.


How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

Two psychics pass each other in the street..

One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"

I went to the psychiatrist today

I told him that I have started hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

A psychic goes into a clothing store

A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.

Employee: "How about this shirt?"

Psychic: "That shirt is too small."

Employee: "You didn't even try it on"

Psychic: "Because I am a medium"

I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

A psychopath, a racist and a police officer walk into a bar

He orders a beer.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

Psychic buys clothing

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

Psychic wanted:

You know where to apply.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the light bulb will change when it's ready

How do 2 psychics greet each other?

"Hello, how am I?"

"You're fine, how am I?"

My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality

I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.

I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film.

He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"

Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt?

Because he was a medium

Psychic convention cancelled ...

... due to unforeseen circumstances

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

A psychiatrist and their patient were talking.

Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?

*tell him no.*

Patient: No.

A psychic midget has escaped from prison..

Police are looking for a small medium at large.ο»Ώ

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations

but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy".

I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!"

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

You're fine, how am I?

A psychic dwarf escaped from jail

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."

Me: "Wow, my first A+"

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion..

He said fine, you're ugly too

-Rodney Dangerfield
-

My psychiatrist told me I have kleptomania.

He said if I give him back his pen, he'll write me a prescription.

I'm a psychology student and I love it

I guess it's true that if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog

He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

How can you tell if someone's a psychiatrist?

Check their feet. If they are wearing dinosaur socks, they are a psychiatrist.

It's a simple roar sock test.

Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

My psychiatrist made me do a Rorschach test today...

...but I don't get it, she just kept on showing me pictures of my parents fighting.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind I'd like to have a second opinion.

He said Alright. You're ugly too!

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

A psychic dwarf has been on the run from the police for months...

He is a small medium at large.

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing Saran-wrap pants?

I can clearly see you're nuts.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But the lightbulb has to want to change.

I went to a psychic and knocked on her door...

She asked who is it
So I left.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy

I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?

I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.

A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?

The patient answered, Sex.

The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?

Sex, the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.

You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.

*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!

My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".

I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But that light bulb has really got to want to change.

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

I went to my psychiatrist recently.

I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.

He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"

To which I said "I didn't know that was an option

The Psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.

"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.

"A tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a square.

"What's this?

"It's a tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a triangle and shows it to the guy.

"So, what do you think this is?"

"It's a tit!" yells the guy.

"Sir, I'm afraid you have serious sexual issues," says the psychiatrist.

"I have issues? What about you? You keep drawing tits!"

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to be ready to change.

My psychiatrist says I'm improving…

I told him sometimes I see things but now the voices tell me they're not real.

How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.

Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?

He has way too many problems that need solving.

What's a psychiatrists favorite kinda shoes?

Issues.

Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the psych psychopathic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working psych psych visit piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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