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Provide Jokes

89 provide jokes and hilarious provide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about provide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Provide Short Jokes

Short provide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The provide humour may include short protect jokes also.

  1. Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
  2. Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks
  3. PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask. CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
  4. The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
  5. Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea. Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"
  6. Is Google male or female? Female, because it can't let you finish a sentence without providing several suggestions.
  7. I once dated a biologist. I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy.
  8. If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to kermit and his friends He'd be a pastor of muppets
  9. A woman is calling her cell provider... Woman: I don't get my text messages
    Tech support: Have you tried reading them again?
  10. What does a gay horse eat? A nutritious and balanced diet provided by their owner, you bigots.

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Provide One Liners

Which provide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with provide? I can suggest the ones about supply and deliver.

  1. Yo momma is so fat, shes got more "coverage" than my cell phone provider
  2. In terms of money, I'm set for life! Provided I die next Friday
  3. I'm financially set for life ...providing I die next Monday
  4. I prefer cheap brothels. They provide the most bang for your buck.
  5. What type of insurance does a florist provide? Wife insurance
  6. Who provides tech support for Israel? RabbIT
  7. Money-wise I'm set for life, Provided I die next Tuesday
  8. Why can't clay pots provide for their family? They're always getting fired
  9. I buy all of my fish from one store... ...it's my sole provider.
  10. Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence. It's foolproof!
  11. Phone Provider: The next call representative will be available in 10-15 Flute Solos
  12. One man's trash is another man's shart provided that the second man has dyslexia
  13. What email provider do gangsters use? G-mail
  14. What satellite TV provider does ISIS use? Daesh Network
  15. What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free? A not-for-prophet

Provide joke, What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about provide can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of provide puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Provide Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about provide you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean produce jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make provide prank.

TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.

Great idea; terrible execution.

The difference between cats and dogs

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... THEY MUST BE GODS!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... I MUST BE A GOD!

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

What type of Bees provide millk?

Boobees (boobies)

Need some help with a light bulb joke!

I am taking a stage lighting course and I need to provide my favorite light bulb joke on my first worksheet. Only problem is that I dont have one. So I figured I'd ask around for any good ones!

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.
Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.
Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.
Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.
Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.
Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.
Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

Thank goodness for AT&T

Thanks goodness for AT&T. Apparently the NSA called AT&T officials to request that they, too, provide call records of their customers. But halfway through the conversation, the call dropped. The NSA called back six times, but AT&T officials could never get more than two signal bars and the request was never completed.

An elderly couple go to the doctor......

for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a u**... sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".

Spaghetti

For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

Butcher Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.

How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.

When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do?

OP de-livered.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire.

A man goes to join the navy

Instructor- Do you know how to swim?
Man-wait...they don't provide ships?

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

A blind judge conducted a trial..

And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant.
he couldn't see the truth.

News articles keep saying plain cooked meat tastes better.

None could provide any sauce though.

The new Republicare bill won't remove everything.

No matter what they do, I'm sure they'll always provide alternative medicine.

What's the difference between cats and dogs?

A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.

Girls treat me like taxes

They keep putting me off and when they finally do me they realize I provide no returns.

Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.

Condoms are supposed to provide protection

But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.

I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a c**.... Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

A man's car breaks down near a monastary.

He goes to the door and knocks. The Friar opens the door. The man asks for a place to sleep. The Fiar replies,"pay us."
The man, low on money asks why.
"It's to provide a sense of pride and accomplishment for people who find a place to sleep."

Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?

The intent is to provide citizens with a sense of pride and accomplishment in fighting for their rights.

Money can't buy happiness

But it can provide a sense of pride and accomplishment.

A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.

When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."

Why are rockets shaped like p**...?

Because they provide maximum t**....

Please, donate to charities to provide bug nets to poor Africans.

With your help, we can save millions of mosquitoes from needlessly dying of AIDS.

Marxists love free things...

...But I just can't understand why they hate it when governments provide them with helicopter rides.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

Customer: WAITER! There's one hair in my soul!

Waiter: My apologies, we cannot provide a wig at this price.

The only provider of hay is deep in debt...

so the government decides to do a bale out.

The NSA's privacy policy

[...] NSA is committed to protecting your privacy and will collect no personal information about you unless you choose to provide that information to us. [...]

I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant

I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.
I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!
Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I asked them why they did not provide me what I asked for.
The chef said, "Well sir, you said you wanted your meal de-livered."

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

To provide himself with a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Parapsychologists

I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.

Why do colleges require students to pay for books?

The intent is to provide students with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different classes.

$90 rewards for anyone who can provide information on the culprits.

It's like looking for a needle in a strawberry.

A new smartphone's ad claimed: "This phone is so incredible we could provide a warranty of 20 years on it...

...but we know you wouldn't want that anyway."

What's a republican way to provide renewable energy to all of America?

Build a generator around Eisenhower's grave
Cr

Some day I'm going to provide everyone with free eye care. you'll see.

YOU'LL ALL SEE!!

Why are Safety Goggles better protection than Sunglasses for heavy duty jobs?

Because Sunglasses only provide light resistance

Bethesda's new statement regarding why they don't supply canvas bags...

The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for using nylon bags.

I don't understand why it's i**... to have s**... with a miner

they provide us with coal and electricity they deserve a little fun

I can see why guillotines are so popular...

They really provide you with an out of body experience!

How to lose your girlfriend/wife in 2 steps

Step 1- start an argument
Step 2- provide a logical explanation of why you started it.

I asked my friend if the hospital had given him a date for his operation yet.

He said that if he had known they would provide one, he wouldn't have asked his wife to come.

Would you trade a Politician's life to end the Covid-19 outbreak?

If the answer is 'Yes', please provide answer the following questions:
Which one would be your choice?
And why Trump?

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

A farmer who knows a little bit of english wants his son to study at an english school.

One day he takes his son to a local english school for admission. A teacher gives him a form to fill in.He goes on filling the form and despite his bad english he manages to fill all the informations correctly. The last thing asked was to provide his son's
mother tongue. He fills with confidence "very long".

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.
The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.

I yes.
When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.

Austria declares war on China:

„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks
China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads
Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners

How many calories does going down on your girl provide?

It depends on which way she wipes.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .
Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me
An arm and a leg
….what can I get for a rib?

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''
One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:
From one person it's cheating.
From many people it's research.

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

Sure, I said, as long as you provide your own kennel.
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!

When my girlfriend's father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald's, so instead, I said …

"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"

A couple's young daughter went to college.

After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.
And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"
Fiance:"19"
Father: "And where are you going to live?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Father: "And where are you going to get money?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Later that night the mother asked the father: "What do you think of him?"
And the father: "He seems to be a nice guy, he thinks I am God."

Provide joke, A couple's young daughter went to college.

jokes about provide

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these provide jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.