Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Provide Jokes and Friends
TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.
Great idea; terrible execution.
The difference between cats and dogs
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... THEY MUST BE GODS!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... I MUST BE A GOD!
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Need some help with a light bulb joke!
I am taking a stage lighting course and I need to provide my favorite light bulb joke on my first worksheet. Only problem is that I dont have one. So I figured I'd ask around for any good ones!
Thank goodness for AT&T
Thanks goodness for AT&T. Apparently the NSA called AT&T officials to request that they, too, provide call records of their customers. But halfway through the conversation, the call dropped. The NSA called back six times, but AT&T officials could never get more than two signal bars and the request was never completed.
An elderly couple go to the doctor......
for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".
The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...
She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.
How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
You can explore provide supply reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean provide unconditional dad jokes. There are also provide puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What type of insurance does a florist provide?
Wife insurance
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
A dog thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.
A cat thinks:
These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.
Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.
They say beggars can't be choosers.
Why can't clay pots provide for their family?
They're always getting fired
I prefer cheap brothels.
They provide the most bang for your buck.
Condoms are supposed to provide protection
But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.
I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"
She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."
Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said
"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."
So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:
"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."
A man's car breaks down near a monastary.
He goes to the door and knocks. The Friar opens the door. The man asks for a place to sleep. The Fiar replies,"pay us."
The man, low on money asks why.
"It's to provide a sense of pride and accomplishment for people who find a place to sleep."
Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence.
It's foolproof!
Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?
The intent is to provide citizens with a sense of pride and accomplishment in fighting for their rights.
Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea.
Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"
A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.
When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.
I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant
I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.
I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!
Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I asked them why they did not provide me what I asked for.
The chef said, "Well sir, you said you wanted your meal de-livered."
Why did the EA executive cross the road?
To provide himself with a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Parapsychologists
I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.
How to lose your girlfriend/wife in 2 steps
Step 1- start an argument
Step 2- provide a logical explanation of why you started it.
I asked my friend if the hospital had given him a date for his operation yet.
He said that if he had known they would provide one, he wouldn't have asked his wife to come.
Would you trade a Politician's life to end the Covid-19 outbreak?
If the answer is 'Yes', please provide answer the following questions:
Which one would be your choice?
And why Trump?
Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?
A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.
A farmer who knows a little bit of english wants his son to study at an english school.
One day he takes his son to a local english school for admission. A teacher gives him a form to fill in.He goes on filling the form and despite his bad english he manages to fill all the informations correctly. The last thing asked was to provide his son's
mother tongue. He fills with confidence "very long".
The drowning man
A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.
The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.
I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.
I yes.
When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.
Austria declares war on China:
„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks
China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads
Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners
How many calories does going down on your girl provide?
It depends on which way she wipes.
PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.
CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...
It'll be known as the National Elf Service.
Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.
That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.
Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.
God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .
Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me
An arm and a leg
….what can I get for a rib?
A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.
-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''
One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.
Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.
Student:
From one person it's cheating.
From many people it's research.
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
Sure, I said, as long as you provide your own kennel.
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!
When my girlfriend's father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald's, so instead, I said …
"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"
