Provide Jokes
89 provide jokes and hilarious provide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about provide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Provide Short Jokes
Short provide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The provide humour may include short protect jokes also.
- Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
- PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask. CDC studies have shown they provide no defense
- The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
- Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea. Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"
- I once dated a biologist. I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy.
- A woman is calling her cell provider... Woman: I don't get my text messages
Tech support: Have you tried reading them again? - Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions. They say beggars can't be choosers.
- How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.
- Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying. Student:
From one person it's cheating.
From many people it's research. - In these tough times taco bell is providing more value than ever Where else can you get gas for $1.19?
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Provide One Liners
Which provide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with provide? I can suggest the ones about supply and deliver.
- In terms of money, I'm set for life! Provided I die next Friday
- I prefer cheap brothels. They provide the most bang for your buck.
- What type of insurance does a florist provide? Wife insurance
- Who provides tech support for Israel? RabbIT
- Why can't clay pots provide for their family? They're always getting fired
- I buy all of my fish from one store... ...it's my sole provider.
- Phone Provider: The next call representative will be available in 10-15 Flute Solos
- What satellite TV provider does ISIS use? Daesh Network
- The only provider of hay is deep in debt... so the government decides to do a bale out.
- Money can't buy happiness But it can provide a sense of pride and accomplishment.
- What's the name of the cheapest vasectomy provider? UnderCutters
- What is the prefared email provider of a rapper? G-mail.
- When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do? OP de-livered.
- Derek Zoolander selects his health insurance provider Blue Cross Blue Steel
- Which US state provides the best IT support? Delaware
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Provide Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about provide you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean produce jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make provide pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Need some help with a light bulb joke!
I am taking a stage lighting course and I need to provide my favorite light bulb joke on my first worksheet. Only problem is that I dont have one. So I figured I'd ask around for any good ones!
Thank goodness for AT&T
Thanks goodness for AT&T. Apparently the NSA called AT&T officials to request that they, too, provide call records of their customers. But halfway through the conversation, the call dropped. The NSA called back six times, but AT&T officials could never get more than two signal bars and the request was never completed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pirate walks into a bar...
Disclaimer: I heard this joke from a friend at work. I've no idea where he heard it or if he happened to make it up. If someone could provide a source, I'll gladly edit the post.
~
A pirate walks into the bar and the bartender just stares at him. There's a paper towel stuck to his forehead. The pirate walks up, slams his hand on the counter and exclaims, "I need some r**...!"
Ignoring the paper towel for now, the bartender complies. After a few more rounds, the pirate's loud and obnoxious and having a great time in general.
At the request of the next round, the bartender complies once again, this time asking, "Alright, I just have to know. Are you aware there's a paper towel stuck to your forehead?"
The pirate nods and sigh dejectedly. "Aye, I've got a bounty on me head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To clear your conscience
In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish g**... the run from the n**.... She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the n**... until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her to stay in his attic and he would provide food, as long as they could make love at his whim. The girl gladly agreed.
Twenty years later, the war long over, the man decides he wants to clear his conscience from doing what he did. He visits his church and says to the priest, "Father, I once sheltered a Jewish girl from the n**...."
The priest replies, "That is a wonderful thing to do."
The man says, "You don't understand. I forced her to have s**... with me as long as I sheltered her."
The priest replies, "That is ok. She had to pay you back somehow for saving her from the n**...."
The man nods and then says guiltily, "Do I have to tell her the war is over?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A few years ago I had a vasectomy
A few years ago I had a vasectomy. A few weeks after the procedure I received a letter, accompanied by a sample p**..., stating that I needed to provide a s**... sample and bring it in to them to prove the operation worked. At work, later that day, I snuck off to the bathroom and produced my s**... sample into the p**..., s**... up the lid, and put the p**... in my shirt pocket. The hospital wasn't far so I decided to take the 5 minute run over there on my lunch break. As I arrived at the front desk I noticed the p**... lid has come loose and my sample has gone all over me. The nurse politely says to me 'sorry sir, you're going to have to come again.'
No one told him Syria borders Iraq
Why did Obama provide weapons to Al-Qaeda in Syria
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..
... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly s**..., but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi...
are called to the hospice of a terminal millionaire. The millionaire gives each of them $100,000 with the instructions that when he dies he wants them all to bury him with the money. A few weeks later he dies and the Priest, Minster, and Rabbi all throw an envelope into his casket. After the f**..., the Priest asks the minster if he threw the whole amount into the casket.
"No, I didn't," the minister says, "I took $10,000 dollars to provide for the congregation. I'm sure he'll understand. What about you?"
"No, I took $15,000," The Priest replied, "I have to provide for my small congregation and have many bills to pay. I'm sure he'll rest easy knowing the money has been put to good use." The Priest and the Minister look over at the Rabbi and ask him the same question.
"Of course I did," said the Rabbi, "I wrote him a check"
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
God Will Provide
A young, very religious man goes home with his girlfriend to meet her parents for the first time. Her father is naturally very skeptical of the young man, and after dinner has a quick heart-to-heart with him.
"Now I know you are interested in marrying my daughter. She is the apple of my eye and I cannot trust her with just any man. My first question to you young man is how do you intend on providing for my daughter?"
"God will provide" he replied.
Not satisfied with this response, the father asked again "No seriously, how do you intend on taking care of my daughter?"
Again he said, "God will provide."
Realizing he wasn't going to get a better answer, the two exited the room. Later that night the father was talking with his wife while cleaning the dishes.
Mom asks "So how did your talk with our daughter's boyfriend go?"
Father goes, "Well...he thinks I'm God."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
Butcher Shop
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire.
A man goes to join the navy
Instructor- Do you know how to swim?
Man-wait...they don't provide ships?
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
My 3 sons
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He is now running for President
A blind judge conducted a trial..
And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant.
he couldn't see the truth.
News articles keep saying plain cooked meat tastes better.
None could provide any sauce though.
The new Republicare bill won't remove everything.
No matter what they do, I'm sure they'll always provide alternative medicine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls treat me like taxes
They keep putting me off and when they finally do me they realize I provide no returns.
Condoms are supposed to provide protection
But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.
I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"
She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a c**.... Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said
"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."
So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:
"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."
A man's car breaks down near a monastary.
He goes to the door and knocks. The Friar opens the door. The man asks for a place to sleep. The Fiar replies,"pay us."
The man, low on money asks why.
"It's to provide a sense of pride and accomplishment for people who find a place to sleep."
Why do internet service providers try to end Net Neutrality every few years?
The intent is to provide citizens with a sense of pride and accomplishment in fighting for their rights.
Why are conservative christians against abortion?
To provide for a larger dating pool.
A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.
When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are rockets shaped like p**...?
Because they provide maximum t**....
Please, donate to charities to provide bug nets to poor Africans.
With your help, we can save millions of mosquitoes from needlessly dying of AIDS.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marxists love free things...
...But I just can't understand why they hate it when governments provide them with helicopter rides.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.
Customer: WAITER! There's one hair in my soul!
Waiter: My apologies, we cannot provide a wig at this price.
The NSA's privacy policy
[...] NSA is committed to protecting your privacy and will collect no personal information about you unless you choose to provide that information to us. [...]
I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant
I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.
I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!
Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I asked them why they did not provide me what I asked for.
The chef said, "Well sir, you said you wanted your meal de-livered."
Why did the EA executive cross the road?
To provide himself with a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Parapsychologists
I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.
Why do colleges require students to pay for books?
The intent is to provide students with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different classes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adam asked God for a partner...
Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.
"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment to you. But I will need to take one of your eyes, one of your hands, one of your ears, and one of your t**...."
Adam thought about it for a while. Then he asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
$90 rewards for anyone who can provide information on the culprits.
It's like looking for a needle in a strawberry.
A new smartphone's ad claimed: "This phone is so incredible we could provide a warranty of 20 years on it...
...but we know you wouldn't want that anyway."
What's a republican way to provide renewable energy to all of America?
Build a generator around Eisenhower's grave
Cr
Some day I'm going to provide everyone with free eye care. you'll see.
YOU'LL ALL SEE!!
Why are Safety Goggles better protection than Sunglasses for heavy duty jobs?
Because Sunglasses only provide light resistance
Bethesda's new statement regarding why they don't supply canvas bags...
The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for using nylon bags.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand why it's i**... to have s**... with a miner
they provide us with coal and electricity they deserve a little fun
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to lose your girlfriend/wife in 2 steps
Step 1- start an argument
Step 2- provide a logical explanation of why you started it.
I asked my friend if the hospital had given him a date for his operation yet.
He said that if he had known they would provide one, he wouldn't have asked his wife to come.
Would you trade a Politician's life to end the Covid-19 outbreak?
If the answer is 'Yes', please provide answer the following questions:
Which one would be your choice?
And why Trump?
Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?
A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.
A farmer who knows a little bit of english wants his son to study at an english school.
One day he takes his son to a local english school for admission. A teacher gives him a form to fill in.He goes on filling the form and despite his bad english he manages to fill all the informations correctly. The last thing asked was to provide his son's
mother tongue. He fills with confidence "very long".
The drowning man
A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.
The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.
I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.
I yes.
When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.
Austria declares war on China:
„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks
China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads
Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many calories does going down on your girl provide?
It depends on which way she wipes.
The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...
It'll be known as the National Elf Service.
Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.
That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.
A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.
-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''
One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
Sure, I said, as long as you provide your own kennel.
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!
When my girlfriend's father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald's, so instead, I said …
"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"
A couple's young daughter went to college.
After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.
And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"
Fiance:"19"
Father: "And where are you going to live?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Father: "And where are you going to get money?"
Fiance: "God will provide."
Later that night the mother asked the father: "What do you think of him?"
And the father: "He seems to be a nice guy, he thinks I am God."
