Protection Jokes
156 protection jokes and hilarious protection puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about protection that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Sick of the same old protection jokes? Check out this article for some fresh takes on the art of defense, loyalty and safety, from data protection to sun protection, fire defense to witness protection, there's something for everyone.
Quick Jump To
- Short Protection Jokes
- Protection One Liners
- Use Protection Jokes
- Wearing Protection Jokes
- Wear Protection Jokes
- Witness Protection Jokes
- Data Protection Jokes
- More Protection Jokes
Funniest Protection Short Jokes
Short protection jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The protection humour may include short protective jokes also.
- Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's Mom: use protection
daughter: mom I'm 15
Mom: and I'm 30 - Why do koi fish travel in groups of four? To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.
- Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoe to protect his feet from the ground...
He wears them to protect the ground from his feet - I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
- How do you stop Jehovah Witnesses from coming to your door? Going into jehovah witness Protection.
- TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand. Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays
- TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays.
- A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
- Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen It protects you from harmful rays
- Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin? Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays
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Protection One Liners
Which protection one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with protection? I can suggest the ones about safety and wear protective.
- Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled? It didn't protect him from harmful rays
- Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? because they can't protect their tower
- In a way, good friends are like condoms... ...they protect you when things get hard.
- Bad luck Steve Irwin. Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays. - Why does Steve Irwin hate sunblock? It doesn't protect from harmful rays
- Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years. That's quite a long period.
- If only Steve Irwin wore sunglasses They might have protected him from harmful rays
- If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen. He could have been protected from harmful rays.
- What does a drunk police officer do? Protect and swerve.
- You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
- Steve Irwin put on sunscreen. Too bad it didn't protect him from harmful rays.
- How do you protect your valuables from an accordionist? Hide them in an old folk song.
- How do you protect your accordion from being stolen? Put it in a guitar case.
- What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common? One protects all colors.
- Why did the bee wear a helmet on the first day of spring? To protect its buzz-y head!
Use Protection Jokes
Here is a list of funny use protection jokes and even better use protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
- For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend Happy Mother's Day!
- What is 1 + 1? 3 if you don't use protection.
- Gay men make sure you're using protection You know: body armor, pepper spray, concealed carry-hand gun, first-aid kit, maybe a flare gun too.
- Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!
- Just found out my grandma has been infected I knew I should have used protection!
- I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection... Now it has visual aids.
- If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection His pull out game doesn't seem strong
- Why don't female mathematicians use tampons? They are weary of anything that advertises discrete AND continuous protection.
- How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops? They use McAfee
Wearing Protection Jokes
Here is a list of funny wearing protection jokes and even better wearing protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*
What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection. - Steve Irwin died because he wasn't wearing sunscreen. If he had, it would've protected him from harmful rays.
- Why do the FBI always wear sunglasses? To protect their FB-eyes
- LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts This is sound advice.
- If Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter was wearing sunscreen that day he would still be alive Sunscreen protects against harmful rays
- What do French barbarians wear to protect their eyes? Gaul-gles.
(Courtesy of my eight year old.) - Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt? It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."
(credit to my dad for this one) - I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn't have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses. Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.
- TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs... ...don't wear protection.
- There has been a rise in sheeple recently. Someone better tell the sheep shaggers to wear some protection.
Wear Protection Jokes
Here is a list of funny wear protection jokes and even better wear protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you don't wear ear protection, do you run the risk of getting Hearing AIDS?
- TIL Steve Irwin would have lived if he were wearing sunscreen. It protects from harmful rays.
- My girlfriend asked me one night if I had protection I told her of course and proceeded to unbutton my shirt. She asked, Why are you wearing a bullet proof vest?
Protection - Condoms are supposed to provide protection But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.
- I always wear an athletic cup. It's over-protection in a nut shell.
- Did you know Steve Irwin may have survived if I had been wearing proper protection I thought most people know The best protection against harmful rays is sun block
- Steve Irwin would have survived if he was wearing sun screen It protects against harmful rays
- How does the planet Earth protect itself when it plays sports? It wears its World Cup.
- The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?
- Why do Kenyans wear shoes? To protect the ground from the pounding.
Witness Protection Jokes
Here is a list of funny witness protection jokes and even better witness protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet. I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?
- I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. I have to go door-to-door and tell people I'm somebody else.
- If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be? John D'oh!
- Did you hear that Judas turned state's evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
- Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea. Rest easy, you're sleeping with the fishes now.
- What was Poppin Fresh's new name after he was put into the witness protection program? John Dough
- I had to have my name changed now that I'm in the witness protection program... I'm Joe King
- "New year, new me!" Said the guy entering witness protection today.
- Remember sharin' is carin' But don't tell anybody because she's in witness protection.
- How are getting married and going into witness protection similar? With both you get a new name and a dress
Data Protection Jokes
Here is a list of funny data protection jokes and even better data protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Santa Jingle… He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679 - If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection... I'd have...
Well that's private - I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny". He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.
- Facebook is promising to protect users from data misuse. Meanwhile, Darth Vader is teaching CPR.
- I'm really worried about my privacy being compromised and my personal data being shared by third parties. "Alexa, what steps can I take to protect my privacy?"
- How do you protect your data files against a seizure? Epileptic key cryptography
Silly Protection Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about protection you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prevention jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make protection pranks.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
Two boys sitting to pee
Two five year old boys are sitting at the p**... to pee.
When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.
" What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."
" How old were you when it was cut off?"
" My mom said that I was two days old."
" Did it hurt?"
" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen?
To protect himself from the harmful rays.
Did you know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen?
It protects from deadly rays.
I firmly believe in taking care of one's body...
That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat.
What's the best form of protection when you don't have a c**...?
A fake name
A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas g**... and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
I love my 6-pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.
Wife asks god for a better husband
Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.
What do you call a group of Spanish-speaking moms who band together to protect their neighborhood?
Super Barrio Mothers
Why should you always keep a firearm in the small room by your front door?
Foyer protection
I lost my favorite ash tray.
Child Protective Services took him.
A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"
\- Canada
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...
Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.
The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled g**.... The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.
The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"
I called my girlfriend's mini skirt a fence
Protects the property but doesn't spoil the view
They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today
They need to protect their pupils.
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
There once was a farmer with three daughters.
They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said
"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.
How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?
You don't bomb pearl harbor.
Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?
To protect themselves from a salt
Cases for phone are like condoms...
They protect it but it's just not the same.
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.
Librarians will be issued silencers.
A group of chronic masturbators have recently started an organization to protect women from domestic violence.
Their slogan is "We only beat ourselves."
I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion.
It didn't protect against harmful rays.
Apparently Steve Irwin had his own line of sunscreen but it was taken off the market when he died.
It wasn't protecting against harmful rays.
The government reveals their new logo today....
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....
The biggest lie told by the church is that God is a Male..
Let's face it, if God is really a male, t**... would be protected by titanium rib-cages..
What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?
They're both Po-Lice.
* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.
What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?
They both protect the property without disrupting the view.
Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...
Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.
Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn't a fan of protection
These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.
Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.
A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.
So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with this pole. He's gonna fall, and my dog is trained to bite the crouch, so when the gorilla protects his groins, I handcuff him and bring him back to the wild. Hold this gun, please". The man asks "what do I do with it?", and the guy "If I fall from the tree, shoot the dog".
The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?
They had UV protection in front.
After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"
" yes " I said eagerly.
"Do you have protection? " She asked .
"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.
My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her
I said of course I would!
But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
If skunks didn't have their protective smell...
They would go ex-stinked.
Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: Protection?
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?
Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!
I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect them in combat.
I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator.
A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
What should Steve Irwin worn the day he died?
Sunscreen. Know why..?
Because it protects you from harmful rays.
I got in trouble with the Super Soaker Mafia the other day
I had to be put in the Wetness Protection Program
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
What do American police have in common with American Congress?
They only serve and protect corporate interests.
What's the difference between the Secret Service and the Postal Service?
One protects your secrets and one goes through your mail, and you'll *never* guess which is which.
why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because batman swore to protect goth ham
A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".
