The Best 77 Protection Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Protection jokes. There are some protection refuge jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these protection safety puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Protection Jokes and Puns

First Impressions

A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with sex.

Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.

Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

Self Protection with heavy Flirt :-
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Teacher :- Why are u sleeping in the class ?
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Student :- Your voice is so sweet thats why i am getting sleep .
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Teacher : - Then why other students are not sleeping ?
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Student :- They aren't listening to u mam ...........

Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

Protection joke, Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection?

...because curiosty killed the cat

What is 1 + 1?

3 if you don't use protection.


If you break a mirror it's 7 years of bad luck.

If you don't use protection it's 18

What's irony?

15 year old mothers having a protection case for their IPhone

Protection joke, What's irony?

A nervous man walks into a pharmacy...

... and the pharmacist asks how she may be of service.
"Well, you see, I uhh... I got a hot date tonight... and I'd like some... uhhh... you know..."
"Protection?" says the pharmacist.
"Yes, uhh... that's right."
"Small, medium, or large?"
"Uhh... I guess... medium."
"All right then," she gets out the box of medium condoms and totals up the bill, "that'll be $4.95 plus tax."
The man is shocked by this, "tacks!?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

I'm in hiding from exercise.

It's called the fitness protection program.

Why don't female mathematicians use tampons?

They are weary of anything that advertises discrete AND continuous protection.

You can explore protection lem reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean protection garde dad jokes. There are also protection puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How many Ellen Pao's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

This punchline has been censored for your protection by Ellen Pao.

You know, not all Italians are in the mafia.

Some are in the Witness Protection Program.

If you don't wear ear protection, do you run the risk of getting Hearing AIDS?

The King of pop is dead...

The King of Snap and Crackle have been taken into protection after police suspect cereal killer.

NSFW My sister tried pranking me today

She tried the "I'm pregnant" prank. I didn't fall for it of course, because I know I always use protection.

Protection joke, NSFW My sister tried pranking me today

What was Poppin Fresh's new name after he was put into the witness protection program?

John Dough

Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet.

I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?

What does a junkie use for protection during sex?

a bus shelter


I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...

Now it has visual aids.

Gay men make sure you're using protection

You know: body armor, pepper spray, concealed carry-hand gun, first-aid kit, maybe a flare gun too.

My deodorant is called "state's evidence"...

Part of the Wetness Protection program.

My 13 year old daughter just tried to prank me with the "Daddy I'm pregnant" routine.

As if I'd fall for that one, I always use protection.

Why should you always keep a firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection

There has been a rise in sheeple recently.

Someone better tell the sheep shaggers to wear some protection.

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms.

One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

China apologizes for "slanderous" comments about Kim Jong Un.

Says they didn't realize he was a part of their fitness protection program.

I was at the store with my Dad...

We were in the store and passed by the condoms. He looks at them for a second, picks some up, and throws them to me.
He said "I know you've got yourself a girlfriend now, so I think it's about time you learn about protection. These are pretty great, I doubt that you would be here today if not for these!"

A man goes to the Doctor

*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?

*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.

"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.

One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.

A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!

*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!

"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"

*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .

Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

For protection, my friend used bandages during sex.

Now he has band-aids.

Condoms are supposed to provide protection

But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.

My girlfriend asked me one night if I had protection

I told her of course and proceeded to unbutton my shirt. She asked, Why are you wearing a bullet proof vest?

Protection

Why do a Jew, an Italian, and a redneck go to stripclubs?

The Jew goes to pick up the rent.

The Italian goes to pick up his protection money.

The redneck goes to pick up his daughter.

On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.

I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.

The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"

What do Manchester girls use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with our neighbor.

So I grabbed my shotgun, walked over to his house, and knocked really loud on his door. He opened the door asking why I had a shotgun in my hands. I handed it to him saying, "If you want my wife you can have her, but you're going to need to use some protection".

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend was wearing one and he got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom?

I wouldn't enter a nuclear power plant without protection.

What does the Black Panther use for protection during sex?

A Wakondom.

A blonde woman is at the doctor's office

Blonde: I can't pregnant!

Doctor: Okay, how often do you and your boyfriend have sex?

Blonde: Every night!

Doctor: Do you use any sort of protection?

Blonde: No. And I even swallow every time.

So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday

So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, Strip down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.

I don't get the deal with overprotective parents,

they clearly didn't use protection if they are parents.

Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?

To protect it from pier pressure.

Did you hear that anti-vaxxers will receive protection under the Endangered Species Act?

Their offspring is threatened with extinction.

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

I'd have...

Well that's private

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

I sat next to an insurance salesman during Robbie Williams performance at the World Cup opening ceremony

And through it all, he offered me protection.

To all the dude's who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Father's Day!

My parents were poor when I was conceived, but their protection failed.

The glad wrap didn't cut it

What do you call an orgy without protection?

The Big Bang, as a lot of existence just got started.

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

What do you cover for protection, plug up the rear, and finger all day?

Your phone lol (sorry really high)

Did you know Steve Irwin may have survived if I had been wearing proper protection

I thought most people know The best protection against harmful rays is sun block

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you're sleeping with the fishes now.

I sat next to a insurance women through a robbie williams concert

And through it all she offered me protection

[Possible OC] My dad just gave the birds and the bees speech to my 14 year old brother

I asked him, why didn't I get the speech when I was fourteen?
At this point I was sixteen and still haven't gotten it.

He said, You have natural protection.

I said, How so?

He said, Have you looked in a mirror recently?

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

When does 1+1 equal to 3?

When you don't use protection.

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs...

...don't wear protection.

Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Why should you always keep a loaded firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection.

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn't a fan of protection

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

How single are you ?

The only protection I'm using is mask and sanitizer.

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

Did you hear that Judas turned state's evidence against the lord?

He had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.

Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?

The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.

Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.

Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?

I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.

If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.

Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the protection security jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working protection condom piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes