Protect Jokes
97 protect jokes and hilarious protect puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about protect that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Protect Short Jokes
Short protect jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The protect humour may include short guard jokes also.
- Why do koi fish travel in groups of four? To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.
- Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoe to protect his feet from the ground...
He wears them to protect the ground from his feet - I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
- How do you stop Jehovah Witnesses from coming to your door? Going into jehovah witness Protection.
- TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand. Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays
- TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays.
- A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
- What should Steve Irwin worn the day he died? Sunscreen. Know why..?
Because it protects you from harmful rays. - What do American police have in common with American Congress? They only serve and protect corporate interests.
- Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet. I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?
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Protect One Liners
Which protect one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with protect? I can suggest the ones about provide and prevent.
- Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled? It didn't protect him from harmful rays
- In a way, good friends are like condoms... ...they protect you when things get hard.
- Bad luck Steve Irwin. Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays. - Why does Steve Irwin hate sunblock? It doesn't protect from harmful rays
- Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years. That's quite a long period.
- What does a drunk police officer do? Protect and swerve.
- You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
- How do you protect your valuables from an accordionist? Hide them in an old folk song.
- How do you protect your accordion from being stolen? Put it in a guitar case.
- What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common? One protects all colors.
- Why did the bee wear a helmet on the first day of spring? To protect its buzz-y head!
- Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
- For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend Happy Mother's Day!
- What is 1 + 1? 3 if you don't use protection.
- If skunks didn't have their protective smell... They would go ex-stinked.
The Funniest Protect Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about protect you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean secure jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make protect pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does the Catholic Church protect paedophiles?
Because the last time they shunned a child m**..., he started Islam.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
Self Protection with heavy Flirt :-
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Teacher :- Why are u sleeping in the class ?
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Student :- Your voice is so sweet thats why i am getting sleep .
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Teacher : - Then why other students are not sleeping ?
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Student :- They aren't listening to u mam ...........
In lieu of the recent manhunt...
The LAPD's motto is "to protect and serve." I think they ought to change it to "We'll treat you like a King."
No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out.
protect your credit card guys :)
How do you protect your teeth from entering the fourth dimension?
You get transcendental insurance.
I firmly believe in taking care of one's body...
That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat.
Some food puns I came up with
Why should you eat rye before battle?
It's bread for war.
Why should you eat melon before going in the sun?
A little melon in helps protect you from the sun.
When should you get a ladder in a slaughterhouse?
When the steaks are high
Why is it a good idea to rub blueberries on your face when you're embarrassed?
You should berry your face in shame.
I love my 6-pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't feminists carry handguns? (2)
Because it isn't a girls' responsibility to learn to protect themselves, **teach men to not be dangerous.**
The local high school volley ball team was having a game against the police force.
It was time for the police to protect and serve.
Wife asks god for a better husband
Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.
My parents had a gun to protect their 5 children
but they got rid of it to protect their 4 children.
What do you call a group of Spanish-speaking moms who band together to protect their neighborhood?
Super Barrio Mothers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"
\- Canada
Apple just released a new iOS update to help protect against piraters
It's called the iPatch.
God allows animals to ask him one question...
The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.
The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.
The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller.
Four students are asked what they wanted to be when they grew up
1st student: I want to be a teacher, so I can teach my fellow countrymen
2nd student: I want to be a doctor, so I can cure my fellow countrymen
3rd student: I want to be a lawyer, so I can protect my fellow countrymen
4th student: I want to be a countryman
My brother recently got a pocket protector
All of his friends laughed at it, but I was amazed. It's such a bargain, because not only does it protect the content of your pockets, but it also protects your virginity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...
Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.
The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled g**.... The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.
The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For protection, my friend used bandages during s**....
Now he has band-aids.
There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...
There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a person from road rash when laying down their motorcycle.
And there's Sweater Vests - designed to protect a person from women.
They shouldn't let students outside to see the eclipse today
They need to protect their pupils.
How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?
You don't bomb pearl harbor.
James Bond is supposed to protect people, but he kills more people than he saves.
That makes him an ironic bond.
Why do the FBI always wear sunglasses?
To protect their FB-eyes
Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?
To protect themselves from a salt
Cases for phone are like condoms...
They protect it but it's just not the same.
Some people use their hands to protect themselves from getting punched. I use the head of a porcupine and two crayons.
It's an avant-guard
I heard about a Pennsylvanian man
Who wanted his students to protect themselves from armed intruders with rocks.
Personally, it sounds like taking Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot too far
Did you hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest business venture - teaming up with the police to help protect kids on internet dating sites?
Guess you'd expect nothing less from a Tindergarten cop.
Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?
To protect it from pier pressure.
What do you call people who protect their yards?
Lawn Enforcement.
A King is being admired by his people...
They bring him food, bathe him, protect his castle, and all he has to do is shake a paw every once and a while..
One day, some U.S. senators were discussing how best...
...to protect their constituents from predation by big businesses.
I'm really worried about my privacy being compromised and my personal data being shared by third parties.
"Alexa, what steps can I take to protect my privacy?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Things are so bad in the U.S...
...that I bet the EU could protect the rights of US citizens better than the U.S. can.
Facebook is promising to protect users from data misuse.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader is teaching CPR.
What was the name of the political committee that worked to protect the rights of wine enthusiasts?
The Bacchus Caucus
What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?
They're both Po-Lice.
* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.
When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.
He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.
Why do Africans use mosquito nets?
To protect the mosquitoes from AIDS.
Why did the bakery install a security system?
To protect the dough!
I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.
I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.
We all can do better to help save the planet
With this in mind, i've just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.
Its over 2000 pages long.
People have been using crystals and essential oils to protect themselves from covid.
Their corpses smell great and look very fashionable.
A man heard a knock at the door so he went to go answer.
When he saw a hooded figure with a scythe on his doorstep, he screamed.
The figure took off his hood apologizing. "I'm a priest, I have come to bless you to protect you from COVID-19! I just have to wear this because of quarantine, I'm not supposed to leave my house. This way no one comes to stop me."
The man was surprised, but let the priest into his house regardless. I mean how often do you find a blessing in disguise?
Trump is fighting Covid-19 not only in the US but also for the world
by not only not stopping but promoting global warming. Now that it is confirmed heat and humidity kill Covid-19, I can see Trump was trying to protect us proactively even before the pandemic...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should you always use protection when having s**... at sea?
So you don't get mermaids.
I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn't have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.
Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.
There are many kinds of vests that protect you..
Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.
What does Jesus use to protect his computer?
Lord vpn
This joke is sponsored by raid shadow legends
These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.
Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced p**... detection systems to help protect children
The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™
Policemen are great at Volleyball, guess why?
They serve and protect.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little insquisitive...
"Why do we have two humps," asked the son.
"That's so we can go for days without water. We can store it in the humps."
"Why do we have very long eyelashes?
"That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from sand in a sand storm."
"And why do we have bulbous looking feet?"
"That's so we're can travel twice as fast through the desert."
"Dad," asked the young camel, "What the h**... are we doing in this zoo?"
My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her
I said of course I would!
But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All of our workers have airbags in their monitor
So it will protect them when their computers c**....
Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?
He ignored the lockdown order because Jesus will protect me he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. Jesus, why didn't you protect me!?
Jesus responded, First I put lockdowns in place, then I got you a mask. When that didn't work I created a vaccine, and still you refused... what more do you want from me?
Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building!
Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!
How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?
They use McAfee
I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect them in combat.
I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do "nice guys" s**... at Chess
They never protect the king, always the queen
What kind of food do you use to protect yourself?
Pasta, it's im-penne-trable!
Only Batman can protect the pig
A guy walks into a bar with a pig dressed all in black on a leash and orders a beer. "Um, what's with the dressed up pig?" the bartender asks. "It's my pet pig. He's dressed all in black for his own safety. This way no one can bully or harrass him," the guy tells the bartender. "Because Batman is sworn to protect goth ham."
How and why do people protect their iPhones?
Just in case
There was a giant, steel, robot who had one job, protect the city.
One day when it was raining some of the screws got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to fall off entirely. When the leg fell off it crushed the city that it was meant to protect.
Oh, the iron knee!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because batman swore to protect goth ham
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Christian m**... goes to proselytize in Africa and gets lost
So he goes aimlessly through thick forest and stumbles upon a lion. He gets scared the lion will eat him so he starts praying to God to protect him from the lion. Then, suddenly, he sees the lion praying as well!
He gets relieved and tells the lion: Brother! I didn't know you're a believer as well. I'm so glad, for a moment I thought that you might eat me
The lion responds: Quiet, please! Don't interrupt my mealtime prayer!
A guy interviews a man on the street
Low Gas Prices or Protect Trans-Rights?
Low Gas Prices
Why?
Because It's better for the Trans-mission
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a dog is in a p**... position, she's vulnerable, and she's looking to the owner to protect her.
When I do the same to my dog I get banned from the dog park
