Prophet Jokes

Following is our collection of mecca humor and secular one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Prophet puns for adults, dirty islam jokes or clean fatima gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mooslim jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 85 funniest jokes on prophet. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any pilgrimage witze you can hear about prophet.

The Best jokes about Prophet

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Step 1: Be named Muhammed. Step 2: Get some followers.

Step 3: Prophet.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.

I'm only making a little prophet.


If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife?

The holiest Prophet of Islam.

What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class

Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?
A. osmoses

So there's this girl named Mary...

1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.


Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,

"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

Step 1: Walk on water. Step 2: Turn water into wine.

Step 3: Prophet

Did you know that God is rich?

Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.

A muslim in Heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffee !!!!"

A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus

1. Be a carpenter.

2. Be a nice guy.

3. ???

4. Prophet.

I noticed lately you guys like translated jokes, here's an arabic one

A muslim extremist went in a taxi and on his way to his destination he noticed the radio was on so he asked the taxi driver..

M: Did they have radio in Prophet Mohammad's time?

T: No.

M: So why do you have the radio on?

T: *turns off the radio*

Then the extremist asks another question..

M: What about air conditioning? I'm sure you know the answer.

T: No they did not.

M: So why do you have it on?

T: *turns it off*

The taxi driver decided to ask the extremist a question this time..

T: Did they have taxi's in Prophet Mohammad's time?

M: Of course not!

T: Then GFTO!

What do you call a 50 year old that sleeps with 9 year olds?

A prophet.


Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus?

She made a prophet!

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen?

Because they produced such a great prophet.

So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet

Steps to success:

1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

This is heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?', he asks. 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: ' Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

I started a figurine company that specializes in miniature Muhammad statues

We make a small prophet.

I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me." the king said

So they did and brought him to the king

The prophet knew what was going on of course

The king decided to ask the prophet one more question to see if he truly was what he claimed to be

"Do you know when you are going to die?" the king asked the prophet

"Yes I do" answered the prophet

"Well, when?"

"I am going to die three days before you."

Wheel of Nostradamus

A man was at the fair when he heard a carnie shouting "Step right up and spin the Wheel of Nostradamus and win a prize!" Intrigued, the man approached and asked how much for one spin.

"Only five dollars per spin, sir."

Outraged, the man asked why it was so expensive. The carnie replied:

"I'm trying to turn a prophet here!"

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

1. Go to seminary.

2. Get degree.
3. ???
4. Prophet.

Step 1: Adopt a religion.

Step 1: Adopt a religion.
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Prophet.

Who do businessmen pray to?

The Prophet Margin

Who are the greatest financiers in the bible?

Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.

Mohammad is a great name for a businessman

It's all about the prophet.

A Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."

Which prophet said "Let my molecules flow?"

Osmoses

Did you know atheism

Is a non prophet organization

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

1. Religion. 2. ?

\3. Prophet.

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10

And named it Mohammed, then sold it for £20.
My question is.....have I made a Prophet?

The car of a woman stops at midnight

A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.

After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.

"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.

"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.

"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"

Why are muslim charities the worst to donate to?

Because they are for prophet.

Joseph confronts Mary...

Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!"
Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in public. Mere days later, a mysterious disease swept through the town and killed every last one of them.

They should have obeyed the Quran teen.

Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

Step 1: Die

Step 2: Be resurrected

Step 3: ????

Step 4: Prophet

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.

It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

1. Muhammad

2\. (Peace be upon him)

3\. Prophet????

Step 1: Marry your first wife.

Step 2: Marry ten more wives.

Step 3: Prophet!

Hey Virgin Mary! Stop having sex for money !

Whoa Whoa Whoa...I'm just trying to make a little prophet

Abraham's Four-Step Plan

Step 1: become religious

Step 2: receive the literal word of God

Step 3: ???

Step 4: prophet

Step 1. Predict the Sun will rise in the morning

Step 2. ???

Step 3. Prophet

He died for our sines

Parent to Teacher: Our Son doesn't need to do math, 'cause he's a prophet! Prophets don't do math! Would you make Jesus do math?"

Teacher: Jesus was a carpenter. He knew his math.

How to start a fiscally successful church:

Step 1: Learn how to converse with your God

Step 2: Do That

Step 3: Prophet!!!

For an introductory guide on how to talk to your God please send 9.99 to my church address. Email for details.

Why does Jesus only sell Bibles?

It's the only way he can make prophet.

Step 1: Walk without rhythm, Step 2: Ride the worm

Step 3: Prophet

What do you call a cute prophet?

Adoracle

What does a mosque and a 9 year old girl have in common?

Prophet Mo's been in both.

prophets

this guy is making mines cleverly disguised as prayer mats. he says his prophets are going through the roof!

What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch?

A net prophet.

Why was the priest also an imam?

Double the prophet.

Why did the Covenant Economy collapse?

Because there was no Prophet.

Why did i stop making religious puns?

There's just no prophet in it. That's the last one I'll ever Jew.

I've started a new business making statues of people who can tell the future...

...so far, I'm making a prophet.

Mary was in the prophet making business

What did the Prophet Muhammad call his baby sheep?

Is-lamb.

What did the prophet say to the other prophet?

"Hey, are you still working on that novel?"

I recently bought a teddy bear named Muhammad...

for $10. And a week later, sold it for $20. The question is, did I make a Prophet?

ISIS Joke

An ISIS fighter got arrested by soldiers around 10.00: "Kill me before 13.00, so that I can have lunch with the prophet and his companions in paradise" he said. One soldier answered: "No, we'll kill you after, so you'll wash the dishes"...

Who is the richest person in the Bible?

The Pharao's daughter.

She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

What kind of money do religious businesses make?

Prophet.

I was sitting on the toilet.

So, how do you think they determined what size cross to nail jesus to?




Prophet sizing


Baduntsss

A priest, a rabbi, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad walk into a bar.

The Prophet Muhammad beheads the priest and the rabbi, and burns down the bar.

How do you know Pharoah's daughter had good business acumen?

She was able to pull a prophet from the rushes at the banks.

How did Prophet Muhammad split the moon?

By revealing his butt-crack.

I'm opening a charity aimed at calling out false gurus.

It's a non prophet.

The church across the street opened a new Jesus-themed ferris wheel.

Their accountant told me they needed it to turn a prophet.

Statue Of Jesus

Did you hear about the man who sold a statue of Jesus?

He made a large prophet.

What's the difference between prophet Mohammad and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a 6 year olds face

Did you know baby girls were buried alive before prophet Mohammad put a stop to it?

So he could marry them obviously.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes