Property Jokes
121 property jokes and hilarious property puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about property that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh and learn with these hilarious property related jokes! From property management, law, tax, appraisers, developers, and adjusters, these jokes will have you in stitches. Whether you're a landlord, tenant, or a just a property enthusiast, let's get hoppity on the land of humor and giggles!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Property Short Jokes
Short property jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The property humour may include short props jokes also.
- What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common? They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.
- Why can't Communists be programmers? Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties
- I called my girlfriend's mini skirt a fence Protects the property but doesn't spoil the view
- A man reported that his chickens had been stolen off his property Police suspect fowl play.
- My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property... ... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.
- I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property. Sounded like a pyramid scheme.
- A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man. It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.
- Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted... ...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too
- I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties... but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?
- I once shared renting a property with a man from the army... ...I took the right half, and he was the left tenant.
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Property One Liners
Which property one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with property? I can suggest the ones about material and relations.
- My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence.
- How do you cook eggs found on someone else's property? You poach them.
- Why do people get tattoos in prison? Because they like to vandalize government property.
- Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property? Baron Wasteland.
- The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme... It heals all wounds.
- What do you call a kilogram of donuts . Property of obesity
- What kind of tea isn't fake? A property
- Been thinking of buying property in Syria... heard the housing markets been booming.
- I've decided to rent out my brain After all, its intellectual property
- If a cat catches all the mice on your property... does that make it squeaky clean?
- Who do fishermen call when they want to sell their property? They call a Reel-tor!
- Why was Beethoven making a lot of money? His property was Fur Elise
- What's the most important property of a sparkling pink ship? It's flamboyant.
- What do you call it when a cult is looking to get a loan for property? Compound interest
- We shouldn't hurt women No one wants damaged property
Intellectual Property Jokes
Here is a list of funny intellectual property jokes and even better intellectual property puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- McCormick spices are at a huge risk The company has a lot of intellectual property with its CEO, if he were to say fall down the stairs and die,
It would be a season-ending injury - Intellectual Property Carpe TM.
- What do you call a smart woman? intellectual property!
(i swear to god im not sexist)
Property Management Jokes
Here is a list of funny property management jokes and even better property management puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- E.T. became a very successful property manager. His slogan was... "E.T. own home."
- If you're a property manager, getting a call about tenants fighting is probably a lot different than getting a call about ten ants fighting.
Property Tax Jokes
Here is a list of funny property tax jokes and even better property tax puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the witch have to move out of her gingerbread house? The property taxes were gastronomical.
- The housing market crashed because Chuck thought he was paying too much property tax.
Rental Property Jokes
Here is a list of funny rental property jokes and even better rental property puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I prefer to buy rental properties that take up an entire city block or more. I'm in it for the long hall.
Property Law Jokes
Here is a list of funny property law jokes and even better property law puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife's mad just because I told my mother in law I can't wait til she gets to move into one of our properties.... ... we own a cemetery.
Hilarious Property Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about property you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean estate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make property pranks.
Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property.
Son: Really? How do you know they're blind?
Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12
Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cold Cold Canada.
There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right s**... dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.
Two programmers are having a drink in a bar..
The first one says: "Do you see that chick over there ? What "properties" do you think she has ?"
The 2nd one says: "I tested her last night. She's "read-only".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
True Story from South Carolina
A real estate agent said she saw a for sale sign leaned against a stump in front of a house. She saw a car in the driveway and decided to stop and inquire about the property. She rang the bell, an old man appeared, she explained who she was and asked how much the house was listed for. The old man laughed and said "Lady the house aint for sale, the stump is."
An American, an Australian and an Irishman are all on a quiz show...
The host asks; "Old MacDonald had a what, and then spell it for me."
The American says; "Old MacDonald had a ranch, R-A-N-C-H," he was incorrect.
The Australian buzzes in and answers; "Old MacDonald had a property, P-R-O-P-E-R-T-Y," he was incorrect.
The Irishman thinks for a a little and finally answers, "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did bill nye c**... his car?
Because inertia is a property of matter.
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Remember when oj simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?!
Oh, that's right, we didn't...
My neighbor started yelling at my parents randomly
It turns out that ten years and eight months ago my parents broke his bed and never repaid him. I overheard my dad screaming and he said,"Oh we should pay you? You're lucky we aren't taking you to court! That accident happened on YOUR property!" I didn't know what he ment, so I just shrugged and blew out my candles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A local establishment wants to press charges on me for getting an e**... on their property.
Luckily for me, they have no hard evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a knock at my door.
I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for m**....
I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."
"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
I said, "Because you might find the c**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So i was picking some flowers today
I was picking some flowers in the fields today when some pulled over and started yelling
"You're on private property,get off right now, sir!"
Hmph.
Daisy me pickin' They hatin'
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
A man was arrested for dumping Chinese food on his neighbor's computer
He was charged with wonton destruction of property
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't commit s**...!
It's i**... to destroy government property.
A local property owner is being charged after their 100-year-old oak fell and struck the son of the prime minister. They are deemed responsible for the accident after they failed to maintain the tree safely.
They were charged with 1 count of tree-son.
So me and my pal George went down the river to get some firewood when an angry bear began to charge!
George explained we weren't Packers fans, so the property owner didn't charge us for trespassing.
Libertarian Paradise...
People often criticize a libertarian paradise saying that the homeless people would just be left to die in the gutter. This is of course complete bull. The gutter would be private property and the homeless will need to find somewhere else to die.
I saw a guy stealing gates
The other day I drove past a guy stealing gates! He was just taking peoples gates right off their properties! I was going to say something but thought he might take a fence.
I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.
Turns out we had a lot in common.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it...
That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer n**... it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?
Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?
After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.
A friend was talking to me about investing in property in the Middle East
"Dubai?" I asked.
"No, I can't afford it yet", he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..
The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...h**..., they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"
Whats the good thing about living in Houston?
Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is s**... i**...?
destruction of government property.
hippity hoppity
Aijt Pai took our internet property
A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.
But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.
The problem, she said, is that's a piece of prime real estate.
I built a fence around my house today but accidentally encroached on my neighbor's property.
I guess I'll have to repost tomorrow.
"Excuse me, is this pool stirred up by angels and imbued with healing properties?"
"No, Sir, I'm afraid this font is sans-Seraph."
What do you call it when a Spanish person enters your property without permission?
Trespacito
Excuse me, are you a booming real estate property?
because I'm about to pump my liquid assets into you
A man is buying property from a realtor...
And he's seeing some really nice lots for sell. However, he's seeing something odd... the first lot he sees is lot 1, then he sees lots 2 and 3, but the next lot is lot 5. After that he sees lots 7, 11, and 13. Puzzles, the man asks, Hey, what about all the other lots? The realtor looks at him and says, oh, I only deal in prime realty.
If a group of four people walked onto private property without permission, would it be trespassing...
...or would it be cuatropassing?
So I saw a German Shepard crapping on my lawn this morning....
I told him to gather his sheep and get the flock off my property.
I built a fence 6 inches over the property line and my neighbor got right up in my face.
He has real boundary issues.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do women make less money than men
Because of the property tax
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar for every gender
I would have one dollar, some property, and a bunch of counterfeits
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a h**... that was arrested for theft of intellectual property?
An unoriginal thot
What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?
A reservation reservation reservation.
My wife said that I treat her like property ... That's completely absurd.
I love it more than anything in the world!
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
What do women and houses have in common?
With enough money you can get inside both of them. (Another ending is they're both property)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbor just got arrested for growing m**....
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.
One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.
"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to be on the Polish or Russian side of the border" says the officel.
"Polish" the farmer answers without hesitation.
"And why is that if I may ask?"
"Cause Ruskies have very harsh winters."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors' donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.
It was a real a**... hole.
