Hilarious Property Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property.
Son: Really? How do you know they're blind?
Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer.
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Hugh Hefner
Today, famous playboy Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.
Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12
Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
Cold Cold Canada.
There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.
A man reported that his chickens had been stolen off his property
Police suspect fowl play.
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
An American, an Australian and an Irishman are all on a quiz show...
The host asks; "Old MacDonald had a what, and then spell it for me."
The American says; "Old MacDonald had a ranch, R-A-N-C-H," he was incorrect.
The Australian buzzes in and answers; "Old MacDonald had a property, P-R-O-P-E-R-T-Y," he was incorrect.
The Irishman thinks for a a little and finally answers, "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,"
My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.
I didn't take a fence.
You can explore property rental reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean property boundary dad jokes. There are also property puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did Bill Nye crash his car?
Because inertia is a property of matter.
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
Remember when OJ Simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?!
Oh, that's right, we didn't...
How do you cook eggs found on someone else's property?
You poach them.
caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.
I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...
A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."
My neighbor started yelling at my parents randomly
It turns out that ten years and eight months ago my parents broke his bed and never repaid him. I overheard my dad screaming and he said,"Oh we should pay you? You're lucky we aren't taking you to court! That accident happened on YOUR property!" I didn't know what he ment, so I just shrugged and blew out my candles.
There was a knock at my door.
I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana.
I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."
"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."
What kind of tea isn't fake?
A property
Don't commit suicide!
It's illegal to destroy government property.
Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...
...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday…
My neighbor is dead against it…
I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.
Turns out we had a lot in common.
What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?
They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.
Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?
After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.
I called my girlfriend's mini skirt a fence
Protects the property but doesn't spoil the view
Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..
The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"
Why is suicide illegal?
destruction of government property.
How is a mini skirt like a fence?
They both protect the property but they don't spoil the view
A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.
It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.
A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.
But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.
The problem, she said, is that's a piece of prime real estate.
What do you call it when a Spanish person enters your property without permission?
Trespacito
I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.
Sounded like a pyramid scheme.
Why do people get tattoos in prison?
Because they like to vandalize government property.
A man is buying property from a realtor...
And he's seeing some really nice lots for sell. However, he's seeing something odd... the first lot he sees is lot 1, then he sees lots 2 and 3, but the next lot is lot 5. After that he sees lots 7, 11, and 13. Puzzles, the man asks, Hey, what about all the other lots? The realtor looks at him and says, oh, I only deal in prime realty.
My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...
... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.
What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?
They both protect the property without disrupting the view.
My wife said that I treat her like property ... That's completely absurd.
I love it more than anything in the world!
What do you call a kilogram of donuts .
Property of obesity
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
I once shared renting a property with a man from the army...
...I took the right half, and he was the left tenant.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
I just put up an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbour is dead against it.
Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?
Baron Wasteland.
The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.
One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.
"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to be on the Polish or Russian side of the border" says the officel.
"Polish" the farmer answers without hesitation.
"And why is that if I may ask?"
"Cause Ruskies have very harsh winters."
We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors' donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.
It was a real ass hole.
A man walks into an insect shop...
and asks for several bags of cockroaches.
"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.
"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."
My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, I'm going to make you pay!
I never want to play Monopoly with him again!
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.
A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard
Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property
Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?
Neighbor: yes.
Judge: **Guilty**
Someone knocked on my door.
"Who's there?" I asked.
"Police," replied two men.
I asked them what they wanted. "We need to investigate your property for cannabis."
"I haven't got any," I said. "Now be on your way."
"Sir," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
"Because you might find the cocaine," I answered.
A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.
He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he'd come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.
I have no idea which way it'll swing, but I'm gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone's mother is fair use or public domain…
132 is my favorite number
the sum of all 2-digit numbers one can make from 132 results in 132. 132 is the smallest number with that property.
that's cool.
But it's my favorite because the response I give to many people is 132 in binary and I communicate binary using my fingers.
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
Gun rights
Fix this joke:
A blonde was getting heated arguing with her brunette friend. Her friend was trying to stay calm as she explained the importance of gun rights for personal and property protection.
"That's all anyone talks about, gun rights, gun rights, gun rights. All I'm saying is that gun lefts matter too!" Says the blonde.
The brunette finally loses her temper and says, "Now what the hell is a gun left!?!"
The blonde freezes for a moment before quietly saying, "I don't even know because no one ever talks about them and I've never thought to look them up."
Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property
I installed a high-voltage fence around my property.
My neighbour is dead against it.
The president of my home owners association and my blind neighbor don't see eye to eye often…
But when it came to me putting up an electric fence around my property, in their own ways, they're both dead against it.
An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.
He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"
