Entertaining Properly Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
My friend had this really fancy business meeting...
He had this special outfit prepared, but he needed it to be properly fitted, to look nice. I offered to do it but he said he could do it himself
"Fine," I said...
"Suit yourself"
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
They both stop working properly when you open windows.
America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)
Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"
Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.
The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"
Women never listen properly
Wife: I lost my keys
Man: Its in your jeans
Wife: Dont drag my family into this.
Properly relocating a cavewoman
Q: Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?
A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.
I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth...
...my basement door doesn't lock properly
You can explore properly carts reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean properly actively dad jokes. There are also properly puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My dog kept me awake all night.
Dreadful diarrhoea.
Don't think I cooked him properly.
Did you hear about the guy who was told his g**... hadn't developed properly?
He got a little testy.
Good news and Bad news
wife: i have a good news and a bad new.
Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news.
wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,
"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
Doctor and Lady
Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised?
Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 males a day.
Anyone who says they don't like cats
hasn't had them cooked properly.
I recently learned how to store jam properly.
I must say, it was a rather jarring event.
Do you avoid clickbait properly?
You don't
Why do we evacuate women before the men in an emergency?
So we can assess the situation properly.
None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.
Turns out they just needed a higher power.
How do you properly tell a joke about r**...?
You ask for permission first, then you tell it anyway
Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.
The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.
If you aren't part of the solution
Then you weren't properly dissolved.
Since the c**..., I haven't been able to use my hand properly.
Hopefully Pornhub will be up and working again soon.
In one episode of Dexter's Laboratory, Dexter fires Dee-Dee because.....
....he can't focus properly when she distracts him. So he hires this pretty blonde girl to mimic Dee-Dee, and he asks her "I want to see you dance" "That'll be 50$ extra" Took me awhile to figure that one out
A warehouse worker...
A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.
The food was unpalatable.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None if engineered properly
Today I told my boss that I liked his new car...
He said:
If you set goals for yourself, work hard and do your job properly, I'll be able to buy an even better one next year.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.
Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?
April Fools Day............
The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
A boy and girl are playing in a swimming pool...
The boy says to the girl... I'm going to duck you!
The girl laughs and says... don't be silly you can't even say it properly
A priest was invited to attend a house party
.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable.
So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm
She's doing better currently .
And conducting herself properly
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..
a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.
He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".
Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".
A man walks into a doctor's office
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, You're not eating properly.
i caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
so i had to ground him. he's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
I'll never forget my granddad's last words
Are you holding that ladder properly?
I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.
The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.
At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.
A prince visited a famous Yogi
When the Prince walked up to the Yogi, He was meditating in a handstand pose. The prince felt that it was extremely rude that the man would not stand up and great him properly.
The prince said, Sir, stand up greet me properly!
Namaste upside down said the Yogi
My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is
but you get the picture
I caught my son biting the electrical cord
I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.
This joke about Covid circulating around Chinese web boards...
If someone walking ahead of you farts and you can can hear it, that means you're not practicing correct social distancing.
If you can smell it, that means you're not wearing your mask properly.
If you are wearing your mask properly and can still smell it, then congratulations, you don't have covid-19.
A Texan visits Harvard ...
He meets a student and asks, "Say there, do you know where the bathroom's at?" The student replies, "Sir, here at Harvard we speak properly, and certainly don't end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan replies, "OK, where's the bathroom at, a**...?"
My wife left me this morning...
My wife left me this morning. She said that I never communicate with her properly or let her know how I feel about things.
I didn't know what to say.
Jokes about murderers aren't funny.
Unless they're executed properly, that is.
What's in common with Chinese Rockets and telling morbid jokes to my friends?
They never land properly.
A man walked into the doctor's surgery
He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.
The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."
Electrical Joke- I caught my son...
"I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and now conducting himself properly."
My son was chewing electrical wires everyday.
So I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.
Church lady
There was a church lady who always was dressed very properly and always carried her bible with her. She had a bad habit of judging people and letting them know what she thought of them.
One day, she was riding on the crosstown bus and a drunk guy got on. There was only one seat left which was right next to the church lady.
She said to the man, you're a disgusting and smelly drunk. You're going straight to h**....
The man said Excuse me ma'am. I think I'm on the wrong bus.
I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...
Thankfully, they didn't press charges
But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm
She's doing better currently
And conducting herself properly
But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.
Two ghosts were arguing...
Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communicate with them properly.
Beginning to get frustrated, he turned away from the table and exclaimed under his breath,
"I'm going to have to find them a happy medium to get them to agree".
Medical Advice
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"
"You're not eating properly."
You child is playing with wires and is getting electrocuted, what can you do?
Ground him until he can conduct himself properly.
First word in title should be "your"
What do an infant and a Polaroid have in common?
If you shake them too much, they don't develop properly.
Congrats!
It's what people write when they can't spell properly Congrajulashons!
What do you do when your son has started eating electrical cords?
You ground him until he conducts himself properly.
My 'WhatsApp' keeps crashing on my phone and won't run properly....
So, I've downloaded something called 'The Bugs Bunny' to fix it.............
It's a 'WhatsApp Doc.'
My son was chewing on electrical cords so i had to ground him..
He is doing better currently and conducting himself properly
A man goes to the doctor
with a banana hanging halfway out his ear and a carrot sticking out of his nose. He says, "doc, I'm not feeling too hot".
Doc replies, "I can tell ya what's wrong just lookin' at ya. Clearly you're not eating properly."
Serial killer jokes are ok
If they're executed properly
My son has been eating electrical cords. What do I do?
Ground him until he conducts himself properly.
There are two kinds of people
Those who can't count, those who can't form coherent ideas properly, and those who can't
I made a device that travels to the past to make sure food is properly seasoned.
I call it my Thyme Machine
My son has been eating electrical cords but I found a solution
I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.
Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.
Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.
My friend never learned to shave properly
I guess her mom didnt razor right
My son was eating electrical cords
So I grounded him till he conducted himself properly
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.
The performer sees them arrive and since they're at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.
Yes.
Oui.
Si.
Ja.
My son was chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. Made sure he was conducting himself properly.
Today I found out that King Charles is a gamer, and mostly plays Nintendo games.
He knows how to properly use the Royal Wii.
Did you hear about the delusional electrician?
Turns out, he wasn't properly **grounded** in reality.
