Proper Jokes
137 proper jokes and hilarious proper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about proper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for good, cheesy, or even English proper jokes? Read this article to discover how to find the perfect joke for any occasion. We provide tips on how to choose the most appropriate joke, Jon Culshaw's famous Peter Kay proper joke and much more!
Quick Jump To
- Short Proper Jokes
- Proper One Liners
- Proper Good Jokes
- Proper English Jokes
- Proper Spelling Jokes
- More Proper Jokes
Funniest Proper Short Jokes
Short proper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The proper humour may include short correct jokes also.
- My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
- My son was chewing on electrical cords so i had to ground him.. He is doing better currently and conducting himself properly
- I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable. So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm
She's doing better currently .
And conducting herself properly - None of my european electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God. Turns out they just needed a higher power.
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- What do you do when your son has started eating electrical cords? You ground him until he conducts himself properly.
- I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth... ...my basement door doesn't lock properly
- My son has been eating electrical cords. What do I do? Ground him until he conducts himself properly.
- My son was chewing electrical wires everyday. So I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.
- I made a device that travels to the past to make sure food is properly seasoned. I call it my Thyme Machine
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Proper One Liners
Which proper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with proper? I can suggest the ones about perfect and valid.
- Jokes about murderers aren't funny. Unless they're executed properly, that is.
- What's the proper name for a gay couch? A homosectional.
- PSA: Please don't call them dwarves... It's not the proper gnomenclature.
- Why can communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
- How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by? M'lard
- Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
- Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea..
- I never learned proper grammar because of the accident. I was in a comma.
- Serial killer jokes are ok If they're executed properly
- What does a british real estate agent care most about? His proper tea
- I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife... He's been proper miserable lately.
- Do you avoid clickbait properly? You don't
- My son was eating electrical cords So I grounded him till he conducted himself properly
- What is the proper way to explore Italy? You Rome.
- If you aren't part of the solution Then you weren't properly dissolved.
Proper Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny proper good jokes and even better proper good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Good news and Bad news wife: i have a good news and a bad new.
Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news.
wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW. - Last Night I dropped Acid Being a good scientist, I used the proper base to neutralize and clean it up
- What is the proper expression of gratitude when someone calls you a good listener? "Huh?"
- What's the proper definition of the word p**...' ? When an Australian person takes a good look at something.
Proper English Jokes
Here is a list of funny proper english jokes and even better proper english puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- JavaScript is a lot like English; No one knows how to use semicolons properly.
Proper Spelling Jokes
Here is a list of funny proper spelling jokes and even better proper spelling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Congrats! It's what people write when they can't spell properly Congrajulashons!
- There's 3 things that I hate 1- Hipocrisy
3- Lists
4- and people who don't know how to properly count
5- people who can't spell - I don't get what the big deal is about having ASMR Not being able to breath properly isn't very nice and anyway, you don't spell it like that.
Uproarious Proper Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about proper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean real jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make proper pranks.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper f**... hair from my father...
why couldn't i be more like my mom?
What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
I have no problems with buying tampons...
I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.
(Jimmy Carr)
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Why did Marxism never catch on in England?
Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones...
They should use them to build proper houses.
What is the proper term for 'gangster pee'?
Gee w**....
Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft!
A drunk walks up to a cop...
Drunk: "Man, somebody stole my car..."
Cop: "Where was your car when it got stolen?"
Drunk: "Right here on the end of this key."
Cop: "Well maybe you should go down to the precinct, and they'll fill out all the proper paper work. But before you go, you might want to zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and replies: "Man, they got my girl too..."
Death
When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
Why did Karl Marx like going to continental Europe so much?
Because they did not have proper tea.
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr...it were on sail.'
Properly relocating a cavewoman
Q: Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?
A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.
Meatloaf would do anything for love
Except for eating a proper diet and exercising regularly.
Why was Karl Marx arrested for brewing a cup of Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home...
I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
"Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
A man asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer.
"Are you certain?"
"Absolutely!"
"In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Women are like numbers ...
* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.
* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.
* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.
* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.
* Every other one is just plain Odd.
Husband, Wife and Doctor Joke
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It's for you, not for him.
Proper diaper fitting
If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.
I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th r**... when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect
Apparently the proper term is "European Union"
Why does the hobo only drink coffee?
Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
The proper way to manage m**... stocks.
Buy high sell higher.
My doctor told me to remove trans fats...
Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?
What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?
A period.
Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call a goose in a tuxedo telling the news?
Media Proper Gander
What happened when the Prague Bungee Jumping team couldn't afford proper equipment?
Their Czechs bounced.
How do you properly tell a joke about r**...?
You ask for permission first, then you tell it anyway
A rich Brit comes home from a long day of work...
He says to his most trusted servant: "I had such a long day, I'd love to have some proper tea."
The servant leaves the room and comes back 30 minutes later. "What took you so long?" says the rich Brit angrily.
"I bought you a new 4 bedroomed house. I hope it's ok."
A young first officer asks his Captain
A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."
I am a modern man, I don't mind buying tampons.
But apparently, they are not a proper present
Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?
Because proper tea is theft
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...
And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!
I was called a racist for saying "black paint".
Apparently the proper phrasing is "Tyrone, could you please add another coat?"
A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.
The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
Why didn't Karl Marx drink Earl Gray?
All proper tea is theft.
Why does a socialist only drink Herbal Tea?
Because Proper Tea is theft.
(This might be the most British joke I know).
Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker
The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just s**... up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.
Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?
Because proper tea is theft
The Name of God
Two Jews were arguing about the proper way to say God's name when the rabbi walked by.
Rabbi, called one of the men, could you settle an argument for us? We want to know if the proper way to say God's name is 'Yah way' or 'Yah vey.'
That's easy! the rabbi said. It's 'Yah vey!'
Thank you so much, rabbi. said the other man.
Ya velcome. Replied the rabbi.
I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.
It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.
Why did Karl Marx drink mint tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why do Marxist's prefer herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.
My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.
Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws?
It was 'ello, Quint!
I Have No Problems Buying Tampons
For my girlfriend, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" birthday present.
Just like his father, Kim Jong Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.
For proper gander purposes.
Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference
Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse .
In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit.
She's got this k**... fantasy where I have a proper job.
"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.
It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.
Remember proper protection this valentines day
Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits
You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you?
You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you? i'll have you know my son was diagnosed with the measles so I placed various crystals around his bed while he slept to promote the proper aura for healing.
He's dead now but at least he's not autistic
Things I hate
These are 5 things I hate.
1. people not using capital letters.
Two. People who aren't consistent
3 People who dont use proper grammar.
4.peoplewhodon'tusespacesm
5. Cliffha-
Why are some women afraid to use proper interpunctuation?
They don't want to have their periods.
What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?
Gingerly.
A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...
Critics are referring to it as proper gander.
My parents
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?
Nobody likes p**... Inoculations.
Not properly prescripted
- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "l**..." engraved on 'em.
- F*c**... them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!
Proper parsing
Is "b**..." one word, or should I spread them apart?
The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex
So that you can s**... pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.
I just thought of this now and I don't have time to fix it into a proper joke but... What's the easiest way for a person with type 1 diabetes to lose it?
Eat enough to get type 2
Proper Grammar, Guys
Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p**...!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger t**..., you'd be a ten!'
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
