Uproarious Proper Jokes to Share with Friends
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper f**... hair from my father...
why couldn't i be more like my mom?
What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
I have no problems with buying tampons...
I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.
(Jimmy Carr)
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Why did Marxism never catch on in England?
Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones...
They should use them to build proper houses.
What is the proper term for 'gangster pee'?
Gee w**....
Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
You can explore proper timely reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean proper orientation dad jokes. There are also proper puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft!
A drunk walks up to a cop...
Drunk: "Man, somebody stole my car..."
Cop: "Where was your car when it got stolen?"
Drunk: "Right here on the end of this key."
Cop: "Well maybe you should go down to the precinct, and they'll fill out all the proper paper work. But before you go, you might want to zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and replies: "Man, they got my girl too..."
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
Why did Karl Marx like going to continental Europe so much?
Because they did not have proper tea.
Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Properly relocating a cavewoman
Q: Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?
A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.
Meatloaf would do anything for love
Except for eating a proper diet and exercising regularly.
Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?
He had no proper tea..
If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home...
I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Women are like numbers ...
* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.
* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.
* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.
* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.
* Every other one is just plain Odd.
Husband, Wife and Doctor Joke
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It's for you, not for him.
PSA: Please don't call them dwarves...
It's not the proper gnomenclature.
Proper diaper fitting
If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.
I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th r**... when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect
Apparently the proper term is "European Union"
Why does the hobo only drink coffee?
Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
The proper way to manage m**... stocks.
Buy high sell higher.
What is the proper way to explore Italy?
You Rome.
What does a british real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea
My doctor told me to remove trans fats...
Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?
Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call a goose in a tuxedo telling the news?
Media Proper Gander
How do you properly tell a joke about r**...?
You ask for permission first, then you tell it anyway
A young first officer asks his Captain
A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."
What's the proper name for a gay couch?
A homosectional.
I am a modern man, I don't mind buying tampons.
But apparently, they are not a proper present
Why do marxists only drink tea made with tea bags?
Because proper tea is theft
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...
And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!
I was called a racist for saying "black paint".
Apparently the proper phrasing is "Tyrone, could you please add another coat?"
Why can communists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.
The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
Why didn't Karl Marx drink Earl Gray?
All proper tea is theft.
Why does a socialist only drink Herbal Tea?
Because Proper Tea is theft.
(This might be the most British joke I know).
Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker
The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just s**... up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.
I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife...
He's been proper miserable lately.
Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?
Because proper tea is theft
The Name of God
Two Jews were arguing about the proper way to say God's name when the rabbi walked by.
Rabbi, called one of the men, could you settle an argument for us? We want to know if the proper way to say God's name is 'Yah way' or 'Yah vey.'
That's easy! the rabbi said. It's 'Yah vey!'
Thank you so much, rabbi. said the other man.
Ya velcome. Replied the rabbi.
I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.
It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.
Why did Karl Marx drink mint tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why do Marxist's prefer herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.
My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.
I Have No Problems Buying Tampons
For my girlfriend, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" birthday present.
Just like his father, Kim Jong Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.
For proper gander purposes.
In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit.
She's got this k**... fantasy where I have a proper job.
"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.
It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.
Remember proper protection this valentines day
Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits
What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?
Gingerly.
A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...
Critics are referring to it as proper gander.
My parents
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex
So that you can s**... pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.
Proper Grammar, Guys
Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p**...!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger t**..., you'd be a ten!'
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
How will Joe and Jill Biden spend thanksgiving with proper social distancing?
Biden selves.
If someone gave you $200 because you're ugly , would you take the money?
Me: Absolutely! I'm ugly, not s**....
Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.
I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is
but you get the picture
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer
He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"
The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."
The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself down to the station. They'll have the proper paperwork for you to fill out there. But before you go, zip up your fly." The drunk looked down at his fly, and then back up at the police officer.
"s**..., they got my girl too."
How do you know a hat belongs to a little drummer boy?
It has a proper pom-pom, proper pom-pom, proper pom-pom...
It is not polite to call people w**...
The proper label is white non-recyclables
Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got
Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . .
He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.
All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.
But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
A man went to confession (again)
"Forgive me, father", he said. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin," said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not at all proper, but your lives were at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But may I ask you another question?"
"Of course you can."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?
You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.
Donner with my boss
I had dinner last week at my boss house, his wife offered me roasted potatoes she said " how many potatoes do you want?
" i said "one please"
she said "you don't have to be polite",
"one, you fat b**..." wasn't the proper answer
My mother has the biggest b**... in the world
My mom always get r**... mad whenever I mention that she has the world biggest b**.... She tells me that is improper to be introducing my two brothers to strangers like that and I should instead introduce them by their proper names.
Why do Marxists only drink decaf tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why does everyone listen to the well dressed goose?
He's a proper gander.
Two condoms are walking through town one night looking for a decent bar for a drinking session
As they walk past a gay bar one turns to the other and says
"How about this place, we can get proper s**...-faced"
Proper use of capital letters
It's the difference between helping grandpa j**... a horse and helping grandpa j**... a horse.
I never learned proper grammar because of the accident.
I was in a comma.
Why isn't a koala a real bear?
It doesn't have proper koalafications
A drunk was walking down the street and bumped into a cop.
The drunk says to the cop, "Man, somebody stole my car."
Cop says, "Well, where was it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here on the end of this key."
Cop replies, "I dunno man, you better go down to the precinct and report it down there and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork."
The drunk turns around to leave but the cop stops him and says, "Whoa there, before you head downtown you better zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too."
A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer
are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber b**... and finds its specifications.
What's the proper definition of the word 'propaganda' ?
When an Australian person takes a good look at something.
Old lady in a train
So this very proper lady was traveling on a train when she heard behind her this conversation..
So.. first Emma come, then I come and then 2 a**... they come a together and then I come again and then 2 a**..., they come a together…Pee twice then I come again .
The proper lady turns around
\- How DARE you talk that way in public..I am going to have you thrown off this train !
The man talking says
\- Hey, whatsamatter you? I just tella my friend how to spella Mississippi.
I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"
She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...
A man decided to take up golf
so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green. The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. Now what? the man asked the shocked pro. Uh, you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup. Oh, great! said the beginner in a disgusted tone. Now you tell me!
How do you go about dismantling a bureaucracy?
make sure you submit the proper forms first.
A Joke from the Late Great Townes Van Zandt
A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop.
The drunk says, Man, they stole my car.
The cop says, Well where was it?
The drunk says, Right on the end of this key.
The cop says, You better to go down to the precinct and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork, but before you do that you better zip up your pants.
The drunk looks down and says, Ah man, they got my girl too.
Proper English
An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.
"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"
The Englishman looks confused and replies, "I'm sorry, my good man, I didn't understand a word of that! I'm English and on a walking holiday!"
The shepherd smirks and says, "I said use both hands; you'll get more water that way!"
