Pronounce Jokes

Following is our collection of Pronounce funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Pronounce jokes

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

If 'womb' is pronounced as 'woom' and 'tomb, as' 'toom'

Shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?

Man goes to a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

Burrr… gurrr… King.

What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism?

Doesn't matter.

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther"

He said, "You can say either."

Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?

For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.

Two friends are visiting Wales

Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.

They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."

The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

I just thought up a really nerdy joke...

How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

Ask them to pronounce the following:

**HIRES**

If you don't know how to pronounce the "g" in "gif"...

it's pronounced just like the "g" in "gigantic"

My son walked in on me and my wife "wrestling" on the bed.

We call it "wrestling" because he can't pronounce jiu-jitsu.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"

I started a new diet..

Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.

When British people pronounce words like Water they say it like Wuh-er . So what happened to the T?

They drank it

Pronounce it please!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.


As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?"


The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...
"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

A trip to Wales.

A couple are driving through Wales late one night and they pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch. With nothing much else to do , they start arguing over the pronunciation. Eventually they decide to stop somewhere and ask a local. They pull up somewhere and go inside, and ask the staff member "excuse me, could you pronounce the name of this place, really slowly?"
The kid behind the counter gives them a confused look, and says "burr-gurr kiiiiing"

How do you tell the difference between a seamstress and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce the word "sewer".

Why do brits pronounce water with a silent "t"?

They drank it

It should always be pronounced "Gif"

Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

How do you pronounce XXXTentaction?

According to all the news sources he is pronounced dead

How do you pronounce "nihilism?"

It doesn't matter

shoplifting

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

Some pronounce it as gif, others say gif but the correct way is actually

gif

How do you tell if someone is a plumber or a scientist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

Why is the most difficult phrase to pronounce if you have a lisp?

I love you

Source: my father has a lisp

How do you pronounce oddly spelt Welsh words?

Caerphilly

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker?

Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it.

A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida

... and were nearing a town spelled K- I -S- S- I -M -M -E -E. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it.-- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into somewhere to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are, and pronounce it very slowly so that I can understand?"


The waitress looked at him and said..."Buuuurrrrggggeeeerrrr Kiiinnngggg."

I can't help but pronounce A, E, I, O, and U very aggressivley.

I think I have irrititable vowel syndrome.

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge, he asked her "What did you steal?"

"I stole a can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she stole a can of peaches, and without hesitation she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail, one day for each peach stolen."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said yes.

The husband says, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

A Comparison of the Different Languages

**French**: This chair is feminine. "La Chaise"

**Italian**: This chair is feminine! "La Sedia"

**German**: This chair is masculine. "Der Stuhl"

**English**: This chair is an object, I don't see how it has a gender.

**Japanese**: If you don't pronounce chair exactly right, you'll end up calling your mother a pair of rotten testicles instead.

How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?

Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.

How do you tell a chemist and a plumber apart?

Tell them to pronounce the word 'unionized'.

How do you pronounce XXXTentacion?

Dead.

Why don't we pronounce k in knowledge

We haven't acknowledged it yet

I'll walk myself out

Meanwhile at a catholic church...

We pray you Saint Anne...

The devil appears: Oh, it's you guys again. For Pete's sake stop calling me if you don't mean it and at least pronounce my name right.

(Made this up myself, still giggling...)

An American couple are on holiday traveling through Wales

On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town's name.

They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? The Cashier nods.

Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?

The cashier leans over the counter and says, Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a construction worker?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Two american tourists are having lunch at a McDonald's in Leicester square

They are arguing how to pronounce Leicester. To solve their dispute, they decide to walk up to the counter and ask the cashier.

"Excuse me ma'am, but can you tell me where we are? But can you pronounce it slowly, as you see, we're not from around here."

The cashier nods and says "Mic...don...alds"

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning. Along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

To pronounce the word, Queue ,you only have to pronounce the letter Q because....

...All the other letter are waiting in line

I hear people from Illinois get mad when you pronounce the S,

It really ill-annoys them

My surname, Stead, rhymes with bed

My surname, Stead, rhymes with bed, but people often pronounce it as "steed", like the horse. One day a business associate of mine came over to the house and was greeted by my girlfriend.

"Is Mr. Steed in?" the woman asked.

"He's Stead," my girlfriend snapped.

"Oh, no!" the women gasped. " I was talking to him only yesterday."

A man meets a witch.

A man goes to a witch and asks her to be liberated from an old spell.

>I can help you, I do however, need to know the exact same words of said spell

I remember, it was: *I now pronounce you, husband and wife.*

How do you tell the difference between a construction worker and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce the following word:

"U-N-I-O-N-I-Z-E-D"

How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Louie-ville or Louis-ville?

It's Frankfort.

A reporter walks up to Jussie Smollett

Mr Jussie, how do you pronounce your last name? Is it SMOL-let or smol-LETT?

Jussie: Is that really all you wanted to ask me?

Yes, sir. It's the only thing we aren't 100% certain of, and the only answer we would believe.

How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter?

Ask them to pronounce "hires"

I'm giving up on the argument...

From now on I will pronounce it 'gif'.

Why don't British people pronounce their T's?

They left them in the Boston Harbor

How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

How can you tell if someone is a construction worker or a chemist

The way they pronounce unionised

A therapist who couldn't pronounce his R's correctly was recently fired for being a white supremacist.

Because he told his patients that everything was going to be all white .

How do you tell a chemist from a welder?

Ask them to pronounce the word "unionised"

How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population?

I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.

What was Emperor Palpatine's favourite type of cheese?

Gooooouda...

(This joke only makes sense depending on how you pronounce Gouda)

Do you pronounce it I-ther or EE-ther?

Either.

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He's popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, You no job good! Since the boss can't pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.

One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and was late to work. He got yelled at by his boss who said, E. JACK! YOU LATE!

If the Joker couldn't pronounce his S's, where would he live?

Sarcasm

Husband: Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?

Wife: Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce 'Shall we go out and have a cake'!

A catholic priest was praying Saint Anne.

The devil appears: Whazzzzup homie, why you pronounce my name so funny?

Why can't people from Boston become pirates?

Because they don't pronounce their Arrs!

Husband: "Honey, aren't those trousers a bit too tight for you?"

Wife: "It's really funny how you pronounce 'I want to die'."

How to tell if someone has Rhotacism?

Ask them to pronounce it.

You should pronounce "gif" like the g in gigantic...

Or the "g" in "gullible".

It's pronounced school

Not shooting range

A woman visits a witch.

She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago.

The witch asks, What sort of a curse was it, then?

The woman said, It went like 'I now pronounce you man and wife'."

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

A catholic priest is praying

...I pray you Saint Anne...

Suddenly the devil appears: Oh, it's you again. For Pete's sake stop calling me if you don't mean it and at least pronounce my name right.

The priest shouts: Go away satan.

St. Anne appears: You want me to leave you? Gees, at least you could pronounce my name right.

The priest takes a piece of paper and writes using the sacramental wine:

I command you Satan, leave my church.

Dyslexic Santa appears:

Stop wasting the good wine! And what the heck you have against me?

(I modified the joke I wrote here earlier, I hope you like it)

TIL that Turkish has some weird pronunciation.

I mean, they pronounce Constantinople as Istanbul.

Why don't English people pronounce their 'T's?

Because they drank them all

Just give me a straight forward answer

Should I pronounce it Ee-ither or eye-ther?

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

A plumber would say- 'you-niun-ized' ,whereas a chemist would say- 'un-ayon-ized'.

How do you pronounce nihilist? Like Ni-Hil-List? Or Nigh-Hill-Ist?

Never mind. It doesn't matter.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes