The Best 70 Promptly Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Promptly jokes. There are some promptly seat jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these promptly shortly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Promptly Jokes and Puns

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher up then I imagined."

Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Semantics really

I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".

I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.

A short philosophy joke...

René Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he'd like something to drink. Descartes answers, I think not and promptly vanishes.


So an Olympian walks into a bar...

and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.

A panda walks into a restaurant

He orders his food just like normal. The waiter brings it out and he eats his meal. When the check comes, the panda pulls out a shotgun and shoots the waiter. He then promptly leaves. The cook sees this and says "Hey what was that for!?" The panda replies "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary." Once the panda left, the cook brought out a dictionary and looked up the word "panda."

"Panda - a black and white bear. Native to China. Eats chutes and leaves."

Promptly joke, A panda walks into a restaurant

And then there's me...

A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl. He said to her, "you're pretty!"
"I know." She said, arrogantly.
"You have a beautiful figure!"
"I know." She said again.
"It must be nice to be born with such beautiful features!" He said.
"It is." she replied.
"And then there's me, I was born a liar." He said, before promptly leaving the bar.

René Descartes Walks Into A Bar

He orders a beer and drinks it. The bartender returns and asks if he wants a second one. Rene responds "I think not" and promptly disappears.

Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha walks into a bar...

The bartender asks each of them what they want.

Muhammad orders a glass of cranberry juice.

Jesus orders a glass of water, and promptly turns it into wine.

Then the bartender asks Buddha, "what do you want?"

Buddha replies, "Make me one with everything."

At an outdoorsy store a hunter asks an employee why anyone would want to buy camo longjohns

The employee promptly replies, "They'll never see you coming!"

You can explore promptly cautiously reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean promptly sullenly dad jokes. There are also promptly puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.

He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

"So how was your golf game today, dear?"

"Well, it was fine until Tom hit a hole-in-one on the third and promptly dropped dead of a heart attack."

"Oh, my! That's terrible!"

"You're telling me! For fifteen holes it was 'hit the ball, drag Tom, hit the ball, drag Tom'."

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

iPod Shuffle

Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note.

Promptly joke, iPod Shuffle

A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse..

A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.

As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.

Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.

Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone.

The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."

I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

A guy interviews an elderly couple

During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.

The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"

The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"


Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.

One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.

When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.

"Absolutely not!", said her son.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, Would you like a beer?

Descartes replies, I think not, and promptly disappears.

A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...

He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.

Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"

His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.

Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

Promptly joke, There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

A farmer has three daughters when they were finally allowed to date it went something like this.

First daughter..... Guy knocks on the door and says "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo and take her to a show is she ready to go?" Second daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says, "hi I'm Eddie I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" Third daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says "hi my name is CHUCK!" Dad promptly slams the door!!!!

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."

Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."

The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."

Trump promptly hangs up.


Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."

The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."

The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?

What if you have an accident?

The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.

The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.

An Irish man and a Mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.

The flight attendant asks the Mormon:

"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"

The Mormon responds:

"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen whores than have alcohol touch my lips."

The Irish man interrupts saying:

"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

A man walks into a bar

He promptly orders 12 shots and starts to drink them as fast as he can "geez bud why are you drinking so fast?" Asked the bartender "if you had what I had you'd be drinking fast too" the man replied "well what do you have?" asked the bartender the man finished his last drink before saying " 75 cents"

A fat British man walks into a store...

... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."


I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.

If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.

I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?

Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.

A man goes to a funeral ...

After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

No, of course not , she says. "Please do."

The man stands up, clears his throat and says:

"Abacus"

Then promptly sits down.

The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it's the little things that count .

So i went to a dance club the other night...

... I had a great time

They played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena.

They played Jump Around, so I jumped around.

They played The Twist, so I did The Twist.

Then they played Come on Eileen, so I was promptly kicked out of the club.

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

My grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink, nobody wanted to listen.

They promptly kicked him out of the theater.

A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.

Pung in, ten dead.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.

She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.

He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.

After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you would value 4 brazilian lives so much"

Trump responded "Just tell me, how many million is a Brazilian?"

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.



See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse says I don't think I am.. and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte's famous philosophy line I think therefore I am but if I had explained that before the rest of the joke I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A man named Bart walks into a bar.

He was promptly murdered by the bartender.

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, Are you an alcoholic?

The horse replies, I don't think I am. The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition Cogito ergo sum , or I think, therefore I am. If this was to be explained at the start of the joke though, it wouldn't work. It would be putting Descartes before the horse.

An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

A trap set by wife for husband and the maid

one evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband. that night when they went to bed **husband** gave same old story "*excuse me my dear, my stomach& went to bathroom.* the wife promptly went into maid's bed & switched off the lights. when in he came silently he wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex when he finished
the **wife** switched on the light & said : **u didn't expect me in this bed, did u?**
**"no madam said the watchman"!!**

So, a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

24 Shots

A bar holds a drinking contest to see who can drink 24 shots of Scotch in an hour? A man walks in, is invited to join in, and promptly leaves. He comes back an hour later, joins the contest and wins.

When asked where he went, he replies, "I had to go across the street to another bar to see if I could do it first."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home

As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.

Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.

During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.

The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"

She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you fart"

A horse walks into a bar…

bartender says you come in here an awful lot. are you sure you're not an alcoholic?

the horse replies i don't think i am and then promptly vanishes.

you see, this was based on descartes' famous line i think, therefore i am but i couldn't explain that before the rest of the joke because

that would be putting descartes before the horse

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who the bloody madman is here".

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first one goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have an H₂O."

The second walks up, says, "I'll have an H₂O, too," and promptly dies.

Fed up

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party? " "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO! " exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches? " "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party! "

A customer orders a coffee

The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.
The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.
"This tastes like dirt!!!" He shouts at the waiter.
"Yes", the waiter says. "It's fresh ground".

Can you use urinate in a sentance?

A teacher is going over a vocabulary lesson with her class. She asked if they can use the word urinate in a sentance to show they know what it means. Tommy raises his hand and says "teacher before bed every night I have to urinate" the teacher says "very good tommy,, anyone else?" Billy raises his hand and promptly gets called on. He says "teacher, *you're an 8* but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a 10"

A horse walks into a bar...

and orders a beer.

As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.

See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest, and the bear turned to the rabbit and said, we eat a lot of the same things, I'm curious, does shit stick to your fur? The rabbit replied, the one good thing about being so fluffy is shit never sticks to my fur. With that the bear promptly picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the promptly efficiently puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working promptly eagerly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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