Promises Are Like Jokes
44 promises are like jokes and hilarious promises are like puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about promises are like that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Promises Are Like Short Jokes
Short promises are like jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The promises are like humour may include short excuses are like jokes also.
- I promised my wife I would make her feel like a princess. She is all locked up in the tower now.
- My girlfriend is like a Infinite Lists video It was promising at the beginning, but I wish I never saw it.
- How are meteorologists like guys on Tinder? They promise you 12+ in, but you only get 4.
Inspired by today's "storm" in New England. Stay safe out there! - D.A.R.E. told us that people would offer us drugs all the time. Like most movements it promised way more than it could deliver...
- I might not go to the gym because I don't like training abs and the weather doesn't look promising. It's oblique day.
- You don't like the DIY Hippie T-shirt kit™ I got you, do you? No, I really do I promise! Cross my heart and hope to dye
- I promised my wife a vacation when bitcoin hit $10k Looks like I've got the house to myself for a week..
Stolen from u/YoloPudding - The best sort of person to s**... would be a Trump supporter Cause even if you don't live up to any of your promises they won't care, and you can just pretend like you did anyway.
- Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault One of his alegged victims says "I feel like I've been played like a puppet."
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Promises Are Like One Liners
Which promises are like one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with promises are like? I can suggest the ones about promise and love is like.
- Spring is like a deadbeat dad It keeps promising it'll be there, but never shows up.
- If only politicians kept their campaign promises... like Harrelson keeps his rampart.
- "Promises are a lot like babies..." "easy to make, but hard to deliver."
Promises Are Like Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about promises are like you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vows jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make promises are like pranks.
An Irishman goes into a bar and orders three beers.
He takes a sip out of one beer, then the second, then the third, then he starts over and repeats until they're all gone. Next week he comes in and orders another three beers. The bartender says, "If you like I can bring them to you one at a time, then they won't sit there getting warm." The Irishman says, "No, these are in honor of me and my brothers back in Dublin. The three of us used to go drinking together every Friday, and when I left I promised I'd carry on the tradition. This goes on every week for months, until one Friday night the guy shuffles in looking kind of glum. The bartender brings him his usual three beers, but the guy hands one back and says, "Only two from now on, I'm afraid." The bartender gets all concerned and says, "Gosh, did something happen to one of your brothers?" The guy says, "No, they're fine, it's me. My doctor told me I had to quit drinkin'."
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Recently, I've started to do crosswords a lot.
Like those really cryptic ones you get in the weekend papers, with clues like 'fish worn on head, (5, 7,)', and stuff like that. I get really intense about them, though, and can't stand starting a new one until I've finished the last one. I refuse to use dictionaries and things on principle, and I'll sit and ponder them until something comes along.
Anyway, I'd been working on one for about a month straight, stuck on one last clue. I'd stopped going to work, stopped bathing, shaving. I barely ate, barely slept. I was pretty sure my girlfriend had left me because it had been a bit quiet, but I couldn't be sure.
Most of my mates had abandoned me, except my friend from Jamaica- good guy, great friend.
So, he came round to visit me, takeaway curry in hand, and sat down next to me. It took me a moment, but I realised he was there, and looked up at him.
"Come on", he said, "you've got to give up. It's not good for you"
"I can't", I replied through my luxurious crossword-beard, "I need to finish this one last thing, and then....and then I'll be fine. Fine. Promise"
He sighed, and shook his head, but gestured anyway. "Alright, what is it?"
"Great in scale and size. Awe-inspiring. Impressive. Ten letters"
"Monumental"
"No I'm not, I just really want to finish this crossword"
Retirement bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my w**... to my t**....' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's w**... and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your t**...?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
An Irishman walks into a bar...
An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."
The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the m**... Church, and I had to quit drinking."
A happy family.
Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.
Dad: Who is she?
Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.
Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.
Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.
His mom hugs him affectionately and says,
Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
Two Sandwiches in a Deli
One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"
The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now."
But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully understand the psyche and whims of a turkey sandwich. I promise, just the one question, and that's it."
The turkey sandwich replies "Look man, I'm happy just being a turkey sandwich. I know I'm not the most exotic food item out there, but I'm content with my situation."
The veggie sandwich tries taking a more motivational approach. "Come on man, I'm not trying to imply that you're not awesome. Of course you are. But surely you have dreams. We all have dreams. If you could be ANY kind of sandwich in the world, what would you be?"
The turkey sandwich is still reluctant to enter into anything resembling a philosophical conversation with the veggie sandwich. It's always ended poorly in the past, but he knows how relentless the veggie sandwich can be. "Fine," he says, knowing that he has to make a decision. "If pressed, I would be a panini."
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Got Pulled Over
Officer pulls over a car with two people inside. Driver is female (25), passenger is male (22). The driver rolls down her window as the officer approaches.
O: Do you know...
M: Thank you officer! She lured me to her car with the promise of candy!
F: What the?!
O: Sir, you're a grown man.
M: What? Don't you like candy?
O: *Blink blink* Have a good night.
And walks back to his cruiser.
How does that heaven joke go?
Ages ago, I read this joke about a man dying, and as he ascends the pearly staircase, increasingly attractive women with increasingly large amounts of gold urge him a level higher for some really promising reward. Eventually, he reaches the top, and there's a man who makes Jabba the Hutt look like a s**... god, and his name is some kind of s**... pun on the earlier promise.
I just can't for the life of me remember the specifics of the joke. Has anyone else heard it?
Her mother tried to warn her
Mrs Napolitano was not at all happy about her only daughter marrying a Greek fellow, particularly since she was only sixteen and hadn't dated anyone else, like some of the nice Italian fellows in the neighborhood.
But her daugher was in love with the guy, so what could she do?
So she gave her daughter her blessing and one warning: "If you're in bed with him, and he asks you to turn over, DON'T!". And the daughter promised she would remember, and NEVER turn over.
So fast forward about three months into the happy marriage and the couple are canoodling in bed when the husband says: "Honey, why don't you turn over now?"
But Mrs. Napolitano's daughter remembers her Mom's warning and says quite firmly "NO! I don't want to!"
Whereupon the husband says "I don't understand, honey - don't you want to have a baby?"
Need a dessert s**... joke to say to my girlfriend and I feel like id miss a hugely funny opportunity if I didnt nailed this joke.
Your help will make 2 people's lives very funny for a moment and what could be better than that? Its your civic duty to help out. And i promise she wont be made uncomfortable we are currently in the middle of a dirty exchange so I would definitely know by now naw meen?
Weather Report...
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."
Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.
An old man walks up to a priest, doctor, and a lawyer...
and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put the money in his casket.
A few days later, the old man dies and the men payed their respects and slipped the envelope in the casket. After the f**... the trio met up.
The priest begins with "Hey, I'm feeling pretty guilty. There was only 70,000 dollars in the envelope. The church needed some repairs."
The doctor replies "I'm not feeling guilty. I took 50,000 dollars because I wanted a new sports car. Its not like he can use the money anyways."
The lawyer yells at the both of them. "How could you two take the money? I am ashamed at you. You gave your word! I may have taken all the money, but I left him a check for 100,000 dollars!"
I got an email from a Mongolian king...
I got an email from a Mongolian king, promising me millions and everyone warned me it was a con, but I was like "Yeah guys, I know it's a Khan. That's what a king from Mongolia is called."
A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?
The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.
A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.
A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough money.
But then later you find out that he went with out you anyway.
- Corey Kahaney
A joung Jew loved to read books
He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:
"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."
The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
"I would never kill a protected bird"
So a bloke is doing his country business hunting for animals that are allowed to be hunted when he shoots a golden eagle. These birds in the UK are protected and it's i**... to harm them. Therefore he went to court.
Man-"I'm so sorry i would never kill a protected bird i love them. It was an accident that i promise wouldn't happen again."
Judge-"Well, after you killed it, what did you do with it?'
Man-"Well i wouldn't want to put i to waste so i took it back, cooked it and then ate it. Thought it was the only use it had"
Judge-"Well if you are it what did it taste like?"
Man-"Tastes like swan"
A man ask his wife to tell him how many time she cheated on him when he dies.
The wife accepts.
3 weeks later, the man fakes his death to see his wife reaction.
Wife: Babe, like I promised I'm going to tell you the truth. I only cheated on you twice. Once to get you that job at the bank and the second time to get you that promotion to director.
The man stands up immediately after hearing this.
Man: Honey, can you make me CEO?
A boy came to a restaurant with his dad
Waiter: What would you like to order?
Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.
Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you
Dad:
Waiter:
Dad: I'll have the chicken
A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time
The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?
Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.
Cabbie: so is frank your friend or...?
Passenger: no I've never met him but I married his ex wife
Salesman's promise
A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh h**... all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.
The salesman confidently says, Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacuum cleaner. If it cannot clean up all this s**... in 15 mins, I will eat it all myself.
The woman smiles and says, Very well, so would you like some ketchup or salt with it, because the power is out since morning.. .
(An oldie but I am shopping for vacuum cleaners and this joke has been popping up in my mind.)
Funny and Witty WiFi names?
I think the best I've come across are;
1. Drop it like it's hotspot
2. The Promised LAN
3. Wu Tang LAN
4. Chance the Router
5. Winternet is coming
6. A LAN time ago
7. I believe Wi can Fi
8. Vladamir Routin
9. That's what she SSID
10. Lord Voldemodem
A fan emailed Bethesda about Starfield
A fan emails Bethesda and asked if the game would contain any Huge Insect Aliens like in Starship Troopers.
A few weeks later he gets a reply back stating the following:
Hi
Thanks for reaching out.
While we can make no promises of insects in the massive universe, we promise Starfield will be full of bugs!