Promise Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?


One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

Honesty

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...

Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?

Woman: Yes, I promise.

Man: I fucked your sister.

A guy asks his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor says "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that the guy dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The guy starts sobbing and says "It's swollen."

A girl asks her father, Do all fairytales begin with Once Upon A Time?

And the father replied, No there is a whole series of fairytales that begin with 'If Elected I Promise.....

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.

"Never mind. I found one."

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

What happens when a British guy makes a promise?

He Brexit

So Bob goes to the doctor

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.

Bob and his doctor

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria.

"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Bob.

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

[NSFW] A woman asks her boyfriend "Do I look fat in this dress?"

He answers: "Are you going to get angry if I'm honest?"
Her response is "No, I promise!"
"OK, I'm fucking your sister."

A man and his wife are getting ready for a date

She asked her husband Does my ass look big in this dress?

He replies Honey, I'll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.

I promise baby, I won't be angry if you're honest.

I fucked your sister.

A little girl asked her father, Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?

He replied, No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected, I promise . . .'

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with `Once Upon A Time`?

He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with `If elected I promise`.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

I promise just one beer

After a long day at work, a man goes home to his family to tell them he is going out for just one beer.
Wife: Honey, that's fine. But I swear if you come home shitfaced after midnight again its over!
Husband: I promise just one beer.
And out the door he went to his local watering hole. One turned into two, and two into four, until it was last call and the man stumbled out the door and made his way home. The next morning, expecting the worst, he woke up to a note left on the bed beside him that read: Good morning honey, I hope you a feeling okay, I have made pancakes and eggs for you downstairs, and after work I will cook your favorite supper.
Dumbfounded, the man goes downstairs and asks his son "What the hell happened here last night?"
Son: Dad you were straight shitfaced last night! Mom and I had to carry you into the house and upstairs to bed. You just passed out. Mom took your shoes and socks of and was starting to undo your shirt and tie when you shot up, threw mom across the room, and said 'get off me bitch, I'm married."

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,

"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."

The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,

"How did you make all this money, child?"

The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."

The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"

"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."

The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

Medical File

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise?

He brexit.

I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do talk!" says I.

On to the next duck "Hey, how was your day?"

"Oh, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"alright, now you, duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh it was TERRIBLE!!!"

"How come?"

"My name is Puddles!!!"

Magic Apples

So, a guy walks in to a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Rum and Coke."
The bartender puts an apple on the bar, and the man says, "No, I said a Rum and Coke, not an apple."
The bartender says, "Just try it." So the guy does, and says, "Woah! This tastes exactly like Coke!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around." The man does, takes another bite and says, "Woah! It tastes like rum!"

A second guy walks in and says, "I'll have a tonic and gin."
Bartender puts another apple on the bar.
The guy says, "I want a tonic and gin, not an apple."
The first man says, "No, just try it, I promise it'll taste exactly like a tonic and gin."
So, the guy takes a bite and says, "Woah, that tastes exactly like gin!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around."
The guy takes another bite and says, "Woah! Tastes exactly like tonic, this is awesome!"

So then a third man walks in. Bartender says, "What'll you have?"
He says, "Give me a minute, I haven't quite decided yet."
The first guy goes, "Whatever you get, this bartender will give you an apple that tastes exactly like your drink."
The second one says, "Yeah, he's got an apple for every flavor."
The third guy thinks and says, "Hmm... Well, do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
Bartender picks up an apple and puts it on the bar. The third guy takes a bite, immediately spits it out and goes, "Ah, what the hell?! That tastes like shit!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around..."

Barry worked at a coal mine

One day he was leaving work with a wheelbarrow which had a box on it. The guard, looking at him suspiciously, stopped him and asked, "What's inside that box?"
Barry: "Nothing"
The guard opened the box, saw it was empty and let Barry go.
The next day the same thing happened. This kept going on for about a month, until some day when the guard stopped Barry and said, "Look, Barry. I know you're up to something. I think you're stealing something, but I don't know what. Just tell me what it is that you're doing, and I promise to let you go."
Barry: "Every day I steal a new wheelbarrow. I use the box as a disguise."

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

An dying man's last wish...

An elderly man on his death bed tells his wife "Honey, I want you to promise me that when I go you will put all my money in the casket with me." Reluctantly, his wife agrees and assures him she will uphold her promise.

After the funeral, the women tells her friend about her husband's odd request - "You know, he made me swear to bury all our money with him". The friend replies, "That's crazy! I can't believe you would actually do that". And the elderly woman says "Don't worry...I wrote him a check".

Tyrone went to the doctor

Tyrone went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.


The doctor reassured him, "In over 20 years I haven't laughed at a single patient because I always remain thoroughly professional."


With that Tyrone dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AA battery.


The doctor just couldn't help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

Tyrone sighed, "It's swollen."

I think I promised my wife I'd have 2 drinks and be home by 8

I always get those two mixed up

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect, I meant wifi not wife.

A man and a beautiful busty blonde are sitting on a train...

A man is sitting across from a beautiful busty blonde on a train, who is wearing a tiny mini skirt. To his delight he notices that she has no panties on The beautiful blonde notices him looking at her pussy and asks "Excuse me are you looking at my pussy?"

"Oh I am so sorry I promise not to look again"

"That's ok it's very talented. It can blow kisses. Would you like to see?"

The man stunned by this proposal agrees, "Yes sure." The blonde opens her legs and her pussy blows him a kiss. The man getting real interested inquires "Can it do anything else?"

"Yes sure it can wink" said the blonde, and sure enough the talented pussy winks.

The man can't believe it and said "That's great! Thank you!"

The blonde asks "Come sit with me." The man takes the seat beside her and the blonde says "Would you like to put a couple of fingers in?"

The man stunned replies "Fuck me! Can it whistle too!"

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

A little story told by our parish priest.

A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.

"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."

One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."

The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."

A woman takes a business trip...

A woman takes a business trip to Arizona for a week. On her first night there in the hotel, a big black man comes in through her window and has passionate sex with her all night long. The next night, the same thing happens. She asks the man for his name, but he says "No, you'll laugh at me". She promises she won't, but he leaves anyways. After continuing this for the whole week, the woman begs the man for his name. He says "Fine, as long as you promise not to laugh... My name is Snow". The woman laughs uncontrollably and he yells "See I knew you would!". She responds "No, I'm not laughing at you. It's just that my husband will never believe me when I tell him I got 8 inches of Snow in Phoenix"

Text from neighbor

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."

Bob, in complete shock, didn't know what to do......


A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Damn autocorrect! I meant wi-fi!"

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

Text from his neighbor

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"

Honesty

While trying on a pair of jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

I promised myself that I would have a cigarette after having sex

Well, at least I'm cancer-free. :)

Puppet Theater

It's almost winter, and a family of bears is getting ready to hibernate in their den. The father and mother bears are almost ready for bed, but the baby bear just won't fall asleep.

**Baby Bear**: Daddy! Daddy! Do the puppet theater!
**Father Bear**: No, it's past your bedtime. Go to sleep. Besides, you've seen it a million times already.
**Baby Bear**: Please daddy, just one more time and I'll go right to sleep. I promise.

Father bear sighs and reaches up on a shelf, where two skulls are sitting. He puts them on his paws and moves the jaws so it looks like they're talking:
- "Dude, do you think there's any bears here?"
- "What are you? Retarded? Why would there be any fucking bea-"

A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:

"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."

The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".

A middle aged man and woman......

......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds:

"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him"

Incest for favours.

A 18 year old girl wonders into the living room to ask her father if she could borrow 100 dollars. He says no initially so the teenager starts to beg.

"Please dad, I really need some money tonight."
"No."
"Please please, I'll do anything you want."
"Hmm... Anything?"
"Yes anything, I promise, if you give me the money."
"Give me a blowjob. Just like your mother used to."

She ponders for a second and decides what the hell, it's just a blowjob. So she agrees, her father unzips and she starts to get to work. A few seconds later she jolts backwards with a disgusted look on her face.

"Oh Jesus dad, why the hell does your cock taste like shit?!" Her father grins before replying.

"Your brother wanted to borrow the car."

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."

Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

The little black box

A couple was married for 23 years and were very open and honest with each other. The only exception to this was the woman made her husband promise to never look in her little black box.

One evening he could no longer fend off his curiosity, he opened the box. To his surprise he found 1 quarter and 298 dollars.

Later that night, when his wife arrived at home, he told her, "I'm sorry honey, I couldn't resist, I looked in your little black box. But I don't understand, what is the quarter for?"

She responded hesitantly, "Well.. the quarter represents the number of times that I cheated on you."

After a sudden outburst the man finally calmed himself down, "Well I still love you and want to work this out, one time in 23 years isn't that bad. By the way, what is the $298 dollars all about?"

Casually she said, "Well I kept running out of room to put the quarters"

What are the funniest promise jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Promise? Well, here are the best Promise puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Promise pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes