Promise Jokes

This article contains some of the best promise jokes out there! Whether it's an engagement promise ring, husband's assurance, or just a joke about a groom, we've gathered some of the funniest jokes to keep you laughing and smiling this Promise Day.

Share Hilarious Promise Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?


One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a new bulb before Christmas and another one to screw it up.

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A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with `Once Upon A Time`?

He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with `If elected I promise`.

jokes about promise

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

A guy is out hunting...

He sees a bear and shoots at it. He misses, and suddenly slips and falls down the mountainside. His leg is caught in a bear trap, and the bear is coming right towards him. He cries out, "Lord, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I promise to repent now if you make this bear a Christian!" The bear skids to a halt, drops to his knees, clasps his paws together and says, "O Lord, I thank you for the food I am about to receive!"

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.

Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

Promise joke, A happy family.

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,

"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."

The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,

"How did you make all this money, child?"

The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."

The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"

"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."

The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

Broken Promises

While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbehaved again I'd be sent to the principals office, but since I broke my promise it's ok if you do too."

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

You can explore promise groom reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean promise swore dad jokes. There are also promise puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Why are most weather forecasters men?

Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

Promise joke, Here's one from Russia

Eternal life

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

What happens when a British guy makes a promise?

He Brexit

What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise?

He brexit.

Two jumper cables walk into a bar..

The bartender says "I'm gonna serve you guys, but you have to promise not to start something".

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

If my child is born disabled I promise to give them the greatest life possible

at the orphanage

Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt?

I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

Promise joke, A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to co

I promised my wife I would make her feel like a princess.

She is all locked up in the tower now.

Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman?

They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."

Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.

"Never mind. I found one."

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

I want to tell you a joke about butter...

...but you have to promise you won't spread it around.

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

I promised myself that I would have a cigarette after having sex

Well, at least I'm cancer-free. :)

A girl asks her father, Do all fairytales begin with Once Upon A Time?

And the father replied, No there is a whole series of fairytales that begin with 'If Elected I Promise.....

I think I promised my wife I'd have 2 drinks and be home by 8

I always get those two mixed up

A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..

And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"

A boy came to a restaurant with his dad

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.

Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you

Dad:

Waiter:

Dad: I'll have the chicken

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

When a man promises to do chores, he will keep the promise.

No need to remind him every six months.

A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."

The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.

"I do," says the man.

Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what's in it at that point.

Most people don't believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

A man is late for an important meeting

A man is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments.

I'm at the bar right now (getting food I'm not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There's these two guys are arguing and one asked Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don't?

And he answers, I taught my kids how to multiply

I fuckin' lost it

does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes?

i promise you- they're a-maize-ing!

the ol' razzle dazzle

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I have seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I am so sure it won't I will give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a…….

Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass.......

Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink his soda.

As he's about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says - If you touch the soda, I won't go home and get the umbrella.

My wife and I were arguing last night....

.... She was so mad, she said "one more word from you and I'm not going to speak to you for a week".

"Promise?"

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith's Fresh Prints.

Not all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...

Many begin with "If I am elected, I promise to..."

A fan emailed Bethesda about Starfield

A fan emails Bethesda and asked if the game would contain any Huge Insect Aliens like in Starship Troopers.

A few weeks later he gets a reply back stating the following:

Hi
Thanks for reaching out.
While we can make no promises of insects in the massive universe, we promise Starfield will be full of bugs!

If you have promised your partner that you will love them 24/7.

Today is 24/7.


(Americans, It's OK if you don't get it.)

I promised myself I would never tell another fart joke...

...but sometimes they just sneak out.

Do all fairytales start with "once upon a time"?

No, some start with "if I'm elected, I promise..."

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom one last time.... only to see his most trusted knight, chasing after him, shouting.....

"IT'S THE WRONG KEY! IT'S THE WRONG KEY!"

I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.

Just been down the garage, Β£30 for a tyre pump.

Thirty quid!

Thirty bloody quid for a tyre pump!

They were Β£20 last year! This time last year, same brand, I promise you, twenty quid and not a penny more!

But I guess that's the cost of inflation.

Promised my wife a flashy car and she was so excited.

You should have seen her face light up when she saw I'd strapped a strobe light to her Toyota.

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the promise promise ring puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working promise promise day piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes