promise Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious promise stories

What are the best Promise puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Promise? Well here is a complete list of Promise to have fun with:

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?


One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

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Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

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Honesty

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

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A guilty neighbor . . .

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

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Text from his neighbor

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"

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Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

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The little black box

A couple was married for 23 years and were very open and honest with each other. The only exception to this was the woman made her husband promise to never look in her little black box.

One evening he could no longer fend off his curiosity, he opened the box. To his surprise he found 1 quarter and 298 dollars.

Later that night, when his wife arrived at home, he told her, "I'm sorry honey, I couldn't resist, I looked in your little black box. But I don't understand, what is the quarter for?"

She responded hesitantly, "Well.. the quarter represents the number of times that I cheated on you."

After a sudden outburst the man finally calmed himself down, "Well I still love you and want to work this out, one time in 23 years isn't that bad. By the way, what is the $298 dollars all about?"

Casually she said, "Well I kept running out of room to put the quarters"

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A guy asks his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor says "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that the guy dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The guy starts sobbing and says "It's swollen."

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.

Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.

Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"

To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I shit on its head."

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So Bob goes to the doctor

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.

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Bob and his doctor

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria.

"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Bob.

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A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with `Once Upon A Time`?

He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with `If elected I promise`.

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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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A little story told by our parish priest.

A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.

"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."

One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."

The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."

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Text from neighbor

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."

Bob, in complete shock, didn't know what to do......


A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Damn autocorrect! I meant wi-fi!"

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A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

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Honesty

While trying on a pair of jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

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A Jumper Cable Walks Into a Bar...

The bartender says, "I'll serve you if you promise not to start anything."

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Why are most weather forecasters men?

Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

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Auto Correct

man received the following text from his neighbor:



I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.



The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.



A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WiFi' not 'wife'.

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How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a new bulb before Christmas and another one to screw it up.

​

#

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The Promised Land

One day, a man, his wife and her mother all went on vacation to see the Promised land. They were all enjoying it very much. During their trip, her mother passed away.

The director of the place they had visited had made them an offer. The director said,

"We have good news! You can bury your mother-in-law here for a mere $150, for this is the promised land! The other option is you can have her shipped back home for $5000."

The guy thought about it for a moment and stated,

"I will spend the $5000 to have her shipped back home."

The director says, "Why, for this is the promised land!"

The man says, "2000 years ago, a man was here. He preached, he was crucified, nailed to a cross and subsequently died. 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just cant take that chance!"

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A man got a promotion...

So his crew took him out to celebrate. But his wife made him promise not to get drunk. So obviously he gets wasted and throws up down the front of his shirt. He tells his boss what happened. "Here take this money to get your shirt cleaned, and tell your wife that a drunk puked on you." His boss hands him a $50 bill. So he tells his wife and hands her the fifty. She looks up curiously and says, "This is a hundred." The man replies, "Oh... I guess he shit my pants too."

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Broken Promises

While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbehaved again I'd be sent to the principals office, but since I broke my promise it's ok if you do too."

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A man received the following text from his neighbour

I am so sorry Harry.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around; in fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again".

Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autocorrect!!! It should read "wifi , not "wife"!

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Man makes lady doctor promise not to laugh

Lady doc: Sir, I never laugh at patients.
Patient: OK.
Lady doc: You can show me any problem.
Patient: Don't laugh.
Man loosens belt. Unzips. Pulls down shorts.
Lady doc sees the smallest penis she's ever seen. Even on a baby. She bites her lip not to laugh.
Lady doc: And the specific problem?
Patient: Isn't it obvious? It's been swollen like this for a month!

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So this young girl is about to get married to a Greek man . . .

. . . and just before the wedding, her father takes her aside and says, "listen, I've been around the world, and I've heard about these Greek guys. So after you're married and are in bed, if he asks you to roll over during sex, you tell him, 'My daddy said I don't have to do that.' Promise?"

She says, "Promise," and he takes her down the aisle to get married.

6 months later, the Dad is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. He answers it, and there's his son-in-law, fuming mad. "You bastard!" the young man yells.

"What's wrong?" the Dad asks.

"Ever since I married your daughter, from day one I asked her to roll over in bed, and she always answers 'No. I promised my daddy I'd say no.'"

The Dad looks at him wryly and says, "And?"

The son is fuming. "AND?!!! So what, you don't want her to get pregnant?!"

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My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She's dead and berried.

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So, the day little Johnny is turning 12, his dad asks him the following question...

"Little Johnny, do you know how babies are born?"
The little boy, scared, answers immediately:
"I don't wanna know! Please promise you won't tell me, dad!!!"
The dad is really nonplussed, confused, and asks him:
"But why in the world don't you want to know, Johnny?"
Johnny, hiccuping and sobbing:
"When I turned six, I was told the Easter bunny wasn't real. When I turned eight, I found out there are no such things as fairy godparents, mermaids or wizards. At ten, I found out that Santa was you. If now I find out adults don't fuck, I don't see any reason to keep on living!!"

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The Stairs to Success

A man walks into a stairwell with a sign that says "Climb to Success". Naturally he begins climbing.

At the 25th floor he sees a beautiful brunette that says "You can get a handjob from me, or continue on to success". He refuses and resumes climbing.

At the 50th floor there is a beautiful blonde that says "You can get a blowjob from me, or continue on to success". The man refuses again, tempted by the promise of success.

At the 75th floor there is a beautiful redhead that says "You can fuck me, or continue on to success". Even though the man is exhausted, he continues up the stairs, determined to reach success.

When the man finally reaches the the 100th floor there is a 300 lb man that says "I'm Cess"

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A man received the following text from his neighbor

'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you're not around, in fact more than you. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology with the promise it won't happen again.'
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into the bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot and killed his wife. A few moments later, a second text came in. 'Damn autocorrect. I meant WIFI not wife!'

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A guy received the following text from his neighbour

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct! I meant "wifi, not "wife"

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A guy is out hunting...

He sees a bear and shoots at it. He misses, and suddenly slips and falls down the mountainside. His leg is caught in a bear trap, and the bear is coming right towards him. He cries out, "Lord, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I promise to repent now if you make this bear a Christian!" The bear skids to a halt, drops to his knees, clasps his paws together and says, "O Lord, I thank you for the food I am about to receive!"

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Damn Auto-Correct

I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Oops, my bad. Damn auto-correct!! I meant "wifi,"not "wife."

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A gay couple have sex all night and wake up the next morning..

And one of the men says to the other, "Lay in bed, I will make a huge breakfast for us, so we have the energy to go at it all day. Promise me you will wait for me!". The man gladly agrees. 15 minutes later the guy comes back with breakfast and looks around the room to see semen covering the bed and floor and walls and he screams, "I told you to wait!", the man replies, "Sorry I had to fart."

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A business man was going to a meeting out of country...

He needed someone to watch his mom and his cat. His brother immediately said he would take the job. The older brother replied with "I'm sorry but you've always been very irresponsible."

The younger brother then said "I promise I can do it! I've got a job and my own place and I'm really coming up in the world."

So the older brother agrees and leaves for his week long meeting. Day one he calls his brother and says, "how's the cat?"

The younger brother then responds saying "I'm sorry, but the cats dead"

The older brother exclaims "What the fuck? You just ruined my whole vacation! Day one you could have said that the cats on the roof and you can't get him down. Day two you could have said that the cat was still on the roof. Day four you could have said the cat fell off the roof and you took him to the vet. And when I got home you could have told me the cat died. But anyway, forget the cat. How's mom"

"Moms on the roof and I can't get her down"

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What are the two biggest lies a man will ever tell?

1. The check is in the mail
2. I promise I won't cum in your mouth.

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[nsfw] A witch catches 3 men breaking into her house...

She is livid, and sends them down to the basement. The men, fearing for their lives, beg the witch to let them leave, and promise they won't come back.

"Alright, "says the witch, "but first, I have a question: where do you all work?"

The first guy says, "I'm a landscaper."

The witch casts a spell, and a pair of hedge trimmers appear and cut his penis off.

The second guy says, "I'm a lumberjack."

The same thing happens, this time with an axe.

The third guy says, "I work at a lollipop factory. Good luck trying to chop off my dick!"

She sucked it off instead.

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Breaking news - The CIA/NSA has decided to stop spying on our European allies...

And will now promise to spy on Americans twice as hard.

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Need a dessert sex joke to say to my girlfriend and I feel like id miss a hugely funny opportunity if I didnt nailed this joke.

Your help will make 2 people's lives very funny for a moment and what could be better than that? Its your civic duty to help out. And i promise she wont be made uncomfortable we are currently in the middle of a dirty exchange so I would definitely know by now naw meen?

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Hard of Hearing Genie

(Sorry its a long joke, but worth it I promise)


So a man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.


The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. Out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish.


The Bartender wishes for 1 million bucks. All of a sudden, Ducks begin shooting out of the top of the bottle. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS not a Million DUCKS!"


To this the man replied, "Yea, and i didn't wish for a 12-inch Pianist Either."

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Got Pulled Over

Officer pulls over a car with two people inside. Driver is female (25), passenger is male (22). The driver rolls down her window as the officer approaches.

O: Do you know...
M: Thank you officer! She lured me to her car with the promise of candy!
F: What the?!
O: Sir, you're a grown man.
M: What? Don't you like candy?
O: *Blink blink* Have a good night.

And walks back to his cruiser.

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I promised to stop making dirty jokes

But it's hard..so hard.

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Why did the hindu cross the road?

Cause I promise him a hindu joke and I had nothing, so he walked away.

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I'm a shy person with low self-esteem, but I'll tell you a great joke

..if you promise not to laugh.

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A man and a woman are at a fertility clinic...

They had been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for several months. As the results were coming in the husband was consoling his crying wife and told her, "If this turns out to be a problem with you I promise me you wont be mad at yourself, because I wont."
The wife says " I promise, and if this turns out to be a problem with you I wont be mad either. I want you to promise you won't be mad with yourself."
To which he says " Oh I am going to be pissed, I've been wearing a condom my whole life!"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best promise jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty promise gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these promise jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Promise jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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