Promise Jokes

115 promise jokes and hilarious promise puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about promise that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article contains some of the best promise jokes out there! Whether it's an engagement promise ring, husband's assurance, or just a joke about a groom, we've gathered some of the funniest jokes to keep you laughing and smiling this Promise Day.

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Funniest Promise Short Jokes

Short promise jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The promise humour may include short hope jokes also.

  1. How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
  2. Trumpty Dumpty Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall
    Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall
    All the golf courses and all the white men
    Couldn't Make America Great Again
  3. It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises. Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.
  4. Not all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time... Many begin with "If I am elected, I promise to..."
  5. Do all fairytales start with "once upon a time"? No, some start with "if I'm elected, I promise..."
  6. Hillary's mad at Satan Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?
    Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?
  7. I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof they promised me it would be on the house
  8. My daughter asked if I am going to die someday I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
    She looked relieved.
  9. Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming they were promised a storm...
    ...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.
    I'm here all week.
  10. A girl asks her father, Do all fairytales begin with Once Upon A Time? And the father replied, No there is a whole series of fairytales that begin with 'If Elected I Promise.....

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Promise One Liners

Which promise one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with promise? I can suggest the ones about offer and ensure.

  1. REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
  2. Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings. Corona did what Trump promised
  3. Why did the Jew vote for Obama? Because he promised change.
  4. What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit
  5. What are the 3 worst mistakes in business 1. Over-promising
    2. Under-delivering
  6. I logged on to Reddit today and was promised Fame, Fortune, and Women The cake was a lie.
  7. What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise? He brexit.
  8. Why do Yakuza swear a loyalty oath? Because they can't do pinky promises.
  9. Why did the weather man's wife leave him? He promised nine inches but she only got three.
  10. Why do women love Jesus? He promises a Second Coming.
  11. Biden runs for re-election in 2024. He promises it will be a great first term.
  12. I promised a girl I'd make her viral A couple weeks later, her doctor confirmed it
  13. does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes? i promise you- they're a-maize-ing!
  14. Don't trust javascript programmers All they do is promises but they never callback.
  15. Where do people who praise WiFi go? The promised LAN.

Promise Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny promise day jokes and even better promise day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the first thing the soccer team said after being trapped in the mine for 9 days? COOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!
    (I promise I'm not a terrible person, I'm genuinely happy they made it out :) )
  • I might not go to the gym because I don't like training abs and the weather doesn't look promising. It's oblique day.
  • A weatherman reports 10 inches of snow the next day His wife turns off the TV suddenly. "Well, whenever 10 inches is promised we only end up getting 4"
  • Donald Trump promised to make this the most special, memorable, yuge bigly Day ever, better than any other day He said it shall be known as "Precedence day!"

Promise Ring Jokes

Here is a list of funny promise ring jokes and even better promise ring puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife made me promise that I'd bury her with her rings if she passes first. Of course I will. How else would I pay for it?
  • Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings? They only work 10% of the time.
Promise joke, Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings?

Promise joke, Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings?

Share Hilarious Promise Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about promise you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean proposal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make promise pranks.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a new bulb before Christmas and another one to screw it up.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She's dead and berried.

A little girl asked her father...

A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with `Once Upon A Time`?
He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with `If elected I promise`.

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

A guy is out hunting...

He sees a bear and shoots at it. He misses, and suddenly slips and falls down the mountainside. His leg is caught in a bear trap, and the bear is coming right towards him. He cries out, "Lord, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I promise to repent now if you make this bear a Christian!" The bear skids to a halt, drops to his knees, clasps his paws together and says, "O Lord, I thank you for the food I am about to receive!"

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.
Dad: Who is she?
Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.
Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.
Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.
His mom hugs him affectionately and says,
Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

Broken Promises

While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbehaved again I'd be sent to the principals office, but since I broke my promise it's ok if you do too."

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Why are most weather forecasters men?

Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

Fairy tales

My granddaughter asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?
I said, no, some begin with "If elected, I promise to……………………"

School Teacher's Note

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

I promise you that there are three types of people in this world.

Those who keep their promises, and those who don't.

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

Eternal life

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

Two jumper cables walk into a bar..

The bartender says "I'm gonna serve you guys, but you have to promise not to start something".

I promised my wife I would not joke with her when she was PMSing.

She has my word, period.

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

If my child is born disabled I promise to give them the greatest life possible

at the orphanage

Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt?

I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.

Crime TV shows aren't what they used to be

That's why I support Donald Trump's promise to bring back Law and Order.

Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security...

Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"
"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."
*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

What do you call a promise you can't keep?

A campaign promise.

I promised my wife I would make her feel like a princess.

She is all locked up in the tower now.

Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman?

They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.

A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" ...

"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."

My goal for 2017.... to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

A man is looking for a parking space

Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."

No such thing as a free yatch [Long]

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

long ago, I promise myself I would never sleep with a married woman

so when my wife got pregnant, it came as a bit of a surprise.

If I had a dollar for every promise a politician fulfilled

The debt would equal my uninsured hospital bill.

New Hearing Aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!

When I promise to come up with an o**... transplant pun...

I de-liver.

As a Filipino in 2017

Whenever I break a promise, I just say:
"Well, you voted for a man who promised to clean the government in three to six months! Get used to it."

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."
"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

I want to tell you a joke about butter...

...but you have to promise you won't spread it around.

A joke from Israel

o**... is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money to charity, anything. Please help me find parking!". And indeed, in a few seconds he sees a car pull out, vacating a great spot. So he says "Okay forget it, I'm all set".

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

A man received a letter from some kidnappers

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us
$100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my
promise but I hope you
will keep yours."

I promised myself that I would have a cigarette after having s**...

Well, at least I'm cancer-free. :)

I think I promised my wife I'd have 2 drinks and be home by 8

I always get those two mixed up

I promised my wife that I haven't kissed a single girl since we met

the married ones are less demanding

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

I promised myself I would only smoke when I drink.

Now I'm an alcoholic too.

A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..

And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"

A boy came to a restaurant with his dad

Waiter: What would you like to order?
Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.
Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you
Dad: I'll have the chicken


WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I'll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say "waiter there's a hare in my soup" after I bring it
DAD: I'll have the chicken

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

If you elect me as president

I promise to end 2020 in less than 7 month.

Politicians always lie...

Didn't John F. kennedy promise to serve a full term?

When a man promises to do chores, he will keep the promise.

No need to remind him every six months.

A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," says the man.

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

My grandfather promised to take me fishing next week but he had a heart attack this morning.

Even after death he is keeping his promise of collecting worms.

Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what's in it at that point.

Most people don't believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

A man is late for an important meeting

A man is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments.

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

I'm at the bar right now (getting food I'm not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There's these two guys are arguing and one asked j**..., howcome you got so many grandkids and I don't?
And he answers, I taught my kids how to multiply
I f**...' lost it

the ol' razzle dazzle

Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I have seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I am so sure it won't I will give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a…….

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife's purse

But then I just remembered she's got a birthday coming up

Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass.......
Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he's about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says - If you touch the soda, I won't go home and get the umbrella.

My wife and I were arguing last night....

.... She was so mad, she said "one more word from you and I'm not going to speak to you for a week".

Salesman's promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh h**... all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.
The salesman confidently says, Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacuum cleaner. If it cannot clean up all this s**... in 15 mins, I will eat it all myself.
The woman smiles and says, Very well, so would you like some ketchup or salt with it, because the power is out since morning.. .
(An oldie but I am shopping for vacuum cleaners and this joke has been popping up in my mind.)

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith's Fresh Prints.

A fan emailed Bethesda about Starfield

A fan emails Bethesda and asked if the game would contain any Huge Insect Aliens like in Starship Troopers.
A few weeks later he gets a reply back stating the following:
Thanks for reaching out.
While we can make no promises of insects in the massive universe, we promise Starfield will be full of bugs!

Promise joke, A fan emailed Bethesda about Starfield

jokes about promise