Promise Day Jokes
68 promise day jokes and hilarious promise day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about promise day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Promise Day Short Jokes
Short promise day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The promise day humour may include short laughter day jokes also.
- What's the first thing the soccer team said after being trapped in the mine for 9 days? COOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!
(I promise I'm not a terrible person, I'm genuinely happy they made it out :) ) - I might not go to the gym because I don't like training abs and the weather doesn't look promising. It's oblique day.
- A weatherman reports 10 inches of snow the next day His wife turns off the TV suddenly. "Well, whenever 10 inches is promised we only end up getting 4"
- Donald Trump promised to make this the most special, memorable, yuge bigly Day ever, better than any other day He said it shall be known as "Precedence day!"
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Promise Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about promise day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean teacher day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make promise day pranks.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, "Driver, I believe that I was s**... harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was s**... harassed!"
This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"
One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.
In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first.
After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me."
Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says.
The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself.
The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me."
The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas."
The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!"
He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!"
He smiles smugly.
The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."
There are these two guys named John and Cliff.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
Three men were caught for m**... on same day.
Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot.
He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...
I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.
A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.
The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"
So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"
To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."
The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"
The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."
An Irishman has a drinking problem...
..that causes him to almost never arrive to work on time. His boss, frustrated by the man's lack of punctuality, warns him that if he is late to work one more day, he'll be fired.
The next day, the man makes sure to arrive to work on time, but is surprised to find that he can't find a space to park his car in. After ten minutes of circling the parking lot, and his job nearing termination, the man desperately looks up and says, "Oh, Jesus, I promise, if you give me a spot and I get to work on time, I'll give up drinking forever."
Lo and behold, he turns the next corner to find a parking space right in front of him, and the man quickly looks up and says, "Nevermind! I found one."
p**... Quits Drinking
An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, éveryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."
I was at this party the other day...
...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."
So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the deck was new, yatta yatta yatta.
She said yes and I opened the deck and a sharpie marker.
"Write your name on whatever card you pick," I said, and paused as she wrote it down, "And your phone number. I promise this is leading somewhere." Another pause, and she agrees.
Taking the card from her, I held it up in the air and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I just got the number of the hottest girl in the room. MAGIC."
Keeping promises to the grave.
Husband and wife are talking.
H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"
W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"
H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"
W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never have s**... with another man but you"
Some time later the man dies and after a month the wife dies too. She finds herself in front of the gates of heaven. Approaches to Saint Peter.
"I'm sorry your holiness, I'm looking for a man who died one month ago..."
"Kind lady, every day thousands of men arrive here. Could you be more specific?"
"His name is Jason. He... used to say he would turn in his grave if I cheated on him."
Saint Peter's eyes lights up and bursts laughing. Calls a nearby angel.
"Gabriel, go tell "The Windmill" that his wife arrived."
Anything you want, baby.
There once was a man who had done everything his wife told him to since the day they were married. Whether it was taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or pulling weeds, he did it the second she asked.
Then one day, his son decided that he had been befuddled as to why he did this for to long. So he confronted his father while he was cleaning the bathroom.
"Daddy," the young boy said, "Why do you do everything Mommy says?"
"Well son, before you were born, even before your mom and I were married, I made a promise that if I did anything she asked, I could decide your name." The father explained.
The boy walked away with it, relieved he finally had an answer.
However, the boy later reminded his father of the question and asked:
"Was it worth it, Daddy?'
The father, without hesitating said, "Yes, Goku, yes it was."
A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....
The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"
Remembering Brothers
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.......
"It's just that my wife and I joined the m**... Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Condoms.
A man goes to the pharmacy. He asks the pharmacist for a black c**.... The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think they exist."
"Find one." The man says. "I've seen them, I know that they exist." The pharmacist promises to look, but doesn't believe he'll find anything.
Three days later the man gets a call. It's the pharmacist saying, "I don't believe it but I found a black c**.... Come pick it up."
The man comes to the pharmacy. He picks up the c**..., but the pharmacist says, "I must ask, why did it have to be black?"
The man replies, "I have to give my condolences to my best friend's widow."
A cowboy...
... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.
This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
An Irishman walks into a bar...
An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."
The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the m**... Church, and I had to quit drinking."
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
Two Sandwiches in a Deli
One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"
The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now."
But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully understand the psyche and whims of a turkey sandwich. I promise, just the one question, and that's it."
The turkey sandwich replies "Look man, I'm happy just being a turkey sandwich. I know I'm not the most exotic food item out there, but I'm content with my situation."
The veggie sandwich tries taking a more motivational approach. "Come on man, I'm not trying to imply that you're not awesome. Of course you are. But surely you have dreams. We all have dreams. If you could be ANY kind of sandwich in the world, what would you be?"
The turkey sandwich is still reluctant to enter into anything resembling a philosophical conversation with the veggie sandwich. It's always ended poorly in the past, but he knows how relentless the veggie sandwich can be. "Fine," he says, knowing that he has to make a decision. "If pressed, I would be a panini."
The crazy house is running low on space...
So the staff call a meeting to see how they can bring their numbers down. They decide a test is in order.
Unfortunately, traditional Q&A testing didn't yield the kind of results they wanted so they get creative and paint a door on the wall of the lounge area.
The next day they wait and watch to see which patients fall for it. Soon there are lines of crazy people trying to open the fake door. Some resist but still look on in bewildered curiosity except for one man in the corner of the room laughing hysterically. They approach him and ask what he finds so amusing...
Patient: "All the lunatics trying to open that door over there. That's pretty funny"
The staff starts to get excited. This seems promising.
Doctor: "Their behavior seems foolish to you huh?"
Patient: "Downright s**... if you ask me."
Doctor: "Can you please explain why?"
The patient motions for the doctor to come closer and whispers into his ear: "Because I have the key!"
A cowboy walks into a bar...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
Manager at work told me this one the other day. This is for all my fellow engineers!
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
A rather long winded joke, read all of it to get the punchline...
Right, so there was this guy that lost his eye in a car accident, and after losing it he hadn't been out of his house much, aside from having to go shopping, because he was so embarrassed. One day his friends come over to his house, and they say "look man, you've got to come to the dance next week, it'll be fun, and you haven't done anything in ages." The man stubbornly refuses, until his friends stop pestering him about it, but the next day, they come back, and say "well, we've got a bit if a surprise for you... We've put together enough money to buy you a fake eye." The man says "that's great! thanks so much!" His friends then say, "but, you have to promise to come to the dance once you've got one. The man thinks it over, he's still a bit embarrassed, but eventually agree. So the man and his friends drive to the eye store and walk up to the man at the counter. "Hello," says one of the eyeless mans friends, "we're here to buy a fake eye for our friend here, do you have any in stock?" The nan at the counter says "we certainly do, and walks into the back of the shop, returning later with a box of beautiful glass eyes. "These a very good quality eyes," the man said "they're hand painted, and we have a match for pretty much any eye colour. "Great!" Says one of the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Well" says the man at the counter, "these are very good quality, so you're looking at around $1500 to $2000" "well" says the mans friend, "we don't really have that much to spend... Do you have any others?" "Certainly," says the man at the counter who puts the lid back on the glass eyes, walks into the back of the shop, coming back with a box full of plastic eyes. "These ones are also hand painted, but they aren't as well-painted as the glass eyes, and they aren't quite as matching, but they are still rather indistinguishable from normal eyes. "Right," say the mans friends, "how much do they cost?" "Um... These," says the salesman "will cost around $900" "sorry," says the man to his friend, "but we don't have quite enough for those, either. Do you have any more?" He says, turning back to the man at the counter. "We do have some wood eyes, says the man at the counter," he then produces a box from under the counter. "These wood eyes aren't hand painted, and won't be able to get a really good colour match, but we can find a passable colour, I'm sure." Says the man at the counter, " and they'll only cost about $120" "right" says the eyeless mans friend, "we'll take this one then." He takes a dark green eye from the box, and gives it to his friend, handing the man at the counter the money. The friends drive home, trying to cheer the eyeless man up, as they eye isn't entirely convincing. "It's okay," says the eyeless mans friend it'll be fine, it won't even be that light at the dance, and your eye won't show." So the man reluctantly goes to the dance the next week. Once arriving at the dance, the man sits alone in a corner until everyone else has a dance partner. The mans three friends come over to him, and encourage him to get a partner, "how about her over there?" The mans friend points to a woman sitting alone in a corner on the other side of the room. "Come on," prompts his friend "you can't have come all this way for nothing." "Alright," says the man, "I'll ask her to dance. As he walks over he realises the lady has a bit of a hunch back, and starts having second thoughts. "I'm no better" says the man to himself, and someone's up his courage and asks her to dance. "Would you like to have an dance" asks the man. "Would I!? Would I!?" Asks the woman. "Hunch back! Hunch back! Yells the man and runs back to the corner.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
The pet shop parrot.
A lady was walking to work and passed a pet shop when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" This made the lady very angry, but she ignored the parrot and continued on her way.
On her way home from work later that day, she passed by the pet shop again, and yet again the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store to talk to the manager, threatening to go to the police.
The store manager apologised profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot never said that again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the pet shop to see if the manager had kept his promise. "Hey, lady!" the parrot said.
"Yes?"
"You know."
Patty O'Mally
So Patty O'Mally is running late to an extremely important meeting in downtown Dublin. He has been driving around and around for blocks and can not find a parking space. He is feeling panicky and anxious. Finally in desperation, he cries out to the Lord in Heaven, "Dear God! Please help me find a parking space so I can getto this meeting on time, please please help me! If you help me, I will do anything, in fact I promise to always go to church every Sunday and I swear to quit drinking Irish whiskey for the rest of me days." As he finished his devout prayer, lo and behold, a parking space opens up. Patty quickly takes the spot and shouts to Heaven, "Never mind Lord, I found a space!"
A rabbi, a priest and a nun ...
A rabbi, a priest and a nun were walking down a forest path chatting whence all of a sudden a bright light appeared and an angel came forth saying that God had offered each of them a small piece of cloth to do as they please with.
The rabbi exulted that he will fashion it into a skull cap and was so pleased that he promised immediately to return to the same spot every day for the rest of his life to see if he could procure even more holy cloth.
The priest said he will fashion it into a dog collar and also return to the same spot in the hope of getting more.
The rabbi and priest both looked at the nun as she stood their defiantly......"I'm NOT making a habit out of this".
The parrot in a pet store
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue them. The manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."
A little story told by our parish priest.
A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.
"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."
One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."
The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."
Hey Lady!
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
This continued for a couple weeks. Eventually, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store if the parrot did not stop insulting her.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!"
"Yes?", she said
The parrot said, "You know."
Talking Parrot :)
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Weather Report...
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
The Promised Land
One day, a man, his wife and her mother all went on vacation to see the Promised land. They were all enjoying it very much. During their trip, her mother passed away.
The director of the place they had visited had made them an offer. The director said,
"We have good news! You can bury your mother-in-law here for a mere $150, for this is the promised land! The other option is you can have her shipped back home for $5000."
The guy thought about it for a moment and stated,
"I will spend the $5000 to have her shipped back home."
The director says, "Why, for this is the promised land!"
The man says, "2000 years ago, a man was here. He preached, he was crucified, nailed to a cross and subsequently died. 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just cant take that chance!"
A young carpenter was looking to make some money...
Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.
One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.
And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.
When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.
Interview
p.s: sorry about my english im not an native english speaker, this is the translation from my country joke (indonesia)
A woman came to a job interview. Then the interviewer says: "You have 2 choices, do you prefer me to ask you 10 easy questions, or 1 difficult question?"
After thinking for a while, the woman choose 1 difficult question. Then the interviewer asks: "Which came first, the night or the day?"
Without even thinking, The woman answer:"THE NIGHT, Sir."
Curious, The interviewer asks again:"How can you be so sure Night came first?"
"Sorry sir, but you promised me only one difficult question."
Barry worked at a coal mine
One day he was leaving work with a wheelbarrow which had a box on it. The guard, looking at him suspiciously, stopped him and asked, "What's inside that box?"
Barry: "Nothing"
The guard opened the box, saw it was empty and let Barry go.
The next day the same thing happened. This kept going on for about a month, until some day when the guard stopped Barry and said, "Look, Barry. I know you're up to something. I think you're stealing something, but I don't know what. Just tell me what it is that you're doing, and I promise to let you go."
Barry: "Every day I steal a new wheelbarrow. I use the box as a disguise."
School Teacher's Note
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
An old man walks up to a priest, doctor, and a lawyer...
and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put the money in his casket.
A few days later, the old man dies and the men payed their respects and slipped the envelope in the casket. After the f**... the trio met up.
The priest begins with "Hey, I'm feeling pretty guilty. There was only 70,000 dollars in the envelope. The church needed some repairs."
The doctor replies "I'm not feeling guilty. I took 50,000 dollars because I wanted a new sports car. Its not like he can use the money anyways."
The lawyer yells at the both of them. "How could you two take the money? I am ashamed at you. You gave your word! I may have taken all the money, but I left him a check for 100,000 dollars!"
A man goes out to play golf...
...while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five'o'clock comes and goes and the husband hasn't come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
"Where have you been? You said you'd be home by five, it's now eight'o'clock!"
The husband replies with, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf."
The wife is shocked.
"Oh dear! That's awful!"
"I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'
These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.
The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."
The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."
Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and i wont care if it's decorated
for Christmas or not."
A joung Jew loved to read books
He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:
"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."
The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".
White kid and Black goat
A white man works in the black tribe as a doctor.
One day, a black guy whose wife is the most beautiful woman in tribe meets the doctor to blame him: "My wife has just born a daughter, but her skin is white. And you are the only white skin man in this tribe".
The doctor calmly answers that: "The nature is very wonderful and magical. You can see goats over there. There is a black one in the herd of white goats."
After think about that carefully, the black guy says: "Okay, I promise secrecy about my white daughter to buy your silence about that black goat".
A joke from Israel
o**... is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money to charity, anything. Please help me find parking!". And indeed, in a few seconds he sees a car pull out, vacating a great spot. So he says "Okay forget it, I'm all set".
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
Gynecologist and wall painting job
Gynecologist had no job and was broke af, after a while and many failed job interviews he gave up on his dreams and found a job as a wall painter.
On the first day, he went to work with two more coworkers to paint some walls in a vacation home at the lake.
After a day of work the team returned and the boss asked the other two coworkers "How was the new guy?"
Coworkers said "Boss, this one is a keeper! I had to promise him a raise, I hope you're not angry".
The boss asked "Why, what happened?"
Coworker answered "Well, the home owners forgot to unlock one room upstairs and we couldn't find the key so he painted the whole room through the keyhole."
After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...
Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.
Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup
No way! You'll start without me
Don't worry, we'll wait for you
I don't believe you
We promise not to start without you
Reluctantly, Junior leaves.
They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...
After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich
At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:
AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!
Temel walks into a bar...
He orders 3 beers and clinks glasses to each other before drinking them all and leaves. Next week he comes again, orders 3 beer and drinks them after doing the ritual. Bartender curiously asks why he's doing that and Temel replies;
"me and my two brothers separated last year and we made a promise to drink for each other every weekend to remember our old drinking days. "
A few monts passes, every weekend Temel comes, drinks 3 and leaves. One day Temel walks into bar and when bartender reaches to glasses Temel says ;
" only 2 beer this time."
Bartender sadly asks ;
"Which one of your brothers died? "
and temel replies; " None of them died, I stopped drinking."
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
The Parrot
Every day, a woman walks by a pet store with a Parrot on a perch right outside the door, and as she walks by the parrot says, "Wow...you're ugly", or some other kind of insult about her looks.
She finally got tired of it and went in and told the owner, "Your parrot insults me every time I pass your store. I'm going away for two weeks and when I get back, if he insults me one more time I'm going to do something I may regret." The shopkeeper tells her..."I'm so sorry. I promise, he'll never insult you again"
Two weeks later, she's walking toward the shop all angry expecting the parrot to insult her...she gets close and they lock eyes...and the parrot says; "YOU know".
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle. Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go. "Right!" shouts the biker, "any of you man enough to do that?" After a moment of silence a voice from the back says: "I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."
It is a hot summer day in texas...
Gay guy walks into a bar and says, "sir may I have a glass of water it's so hot and I'm thirsty." Bartender goes, "sorry, we don't take too kindly to you her you gotta leave before you start trouble." Gay guy goes, "please sir! I will go sit in the corner I won't bother anybody I promise." Bartender says alright.
Gay guy is sitting in the corner drinking his water minding his own buisness. Barely anybody knows he's there. Then the most clichè cowboy walks in and declares, "Boy it is so hot I can lick the sweat off a bulls b**...!" Gay guy stands up and says, "Moo moo!"
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
A man is on his deathbed with his wife at his side.
"Listen closely" - says the man - "I want you to promise me one thing before I die. Do not ever have a relationship with another man. For every man that you sleep with, I'll do a 360º spin in Heaven."
"Don't worry, darling, I promise", says his wife.
After a few days, the man passes away and his wife is left alone. Years pass, and the woman dies as well. Upon reaching the gates of Heaven, she asks St. Peter: "Where is my husband? Do you know where he is?"
St. Peter replies: "Oh, you mean the 'Beyblade'? He's right there."
2 brothers walk in to a bar and order 3 beers.
They each drink their beer and leave the last beer untouched, pay and leave.
They do this every day and one day the bartender asks why they never drink the third beer.
They say that they are 2 of 3 brothers and they promised each other that they would order a drink for each brother every day.
One day they walk in and only order 2 beers.
A hush falls over the bar & the bartender tells them the round is on the house.
The brothers ask why, and the bartender states that they have obviously lost their brother.
The 2 brothers laugh and say, No, our other brother just gave up drinking.
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island
One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh drinking a bottle of whisky making love to my wife". The genie again wisks him away.
The Irishman is left and says "It's a bit lonely here now I wish my two mates were back here with me".
Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
Everyone applauded and asked again:
But how come your wife is very healthy as well?
The old man answered: That is another secret. For 75 years every single day She has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 Kilometers!
Bill and Joe were best friends...
Bill and Joe were best friends since they were kids and had always shared an extreme love of baseball. One day, when Bill was on his deathbed, Joe asked him to find a way to tell him if there was baseball in heaven. Bill promised he would.
A few months after Bill had died, Joe woke up in his bed to the ghost of Bill calling his name.
"Bill!" Joe exclaimed
"Joe!" 'I have good news and bad news, The good news is there's baseball in heaven!"
"That's great Bill, but what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Tuesday"