Progressive Jokes
62 progressive jokes and hilarious progressive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about progressive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with the best progressive jokes in this hilarious collection! From jokes about the Progressive Era to jokes about progressive insurance, we have something funny for everyone. Whether you want a light joke about progressions or a degenerative one about articulate people, this article has you covered!
Quick Jump To
- Short Progressive Jokes
- Progressive One Liners
- Progressive Insurance Jokes
- Flo Progressive Jokes
- Progressive Era Jokes
- More Progressive Jokes
Funniest Progressive Short Jokes
Short progressive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The progressive humour may include short liberal jokes also.
- I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress... I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
- It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress I'm going there in-person to see what's going on
- Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising They have always struggled to progress in Russia.
- Everybody's so up in arms about Covid, but I see it as progress. Nothing else made in China has ever lasted this long.
- Knock knock Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him. - Alabama is a really progressive state... Because when a woman gets married in Alabama she doesn't have to change her name!
- It's been 6 months since I've joined the gym and I haven't seen any progress. >!Tomorrow I'm heading down there in person to find out what's really going on.!<
- If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show. Truly ahead of its time.
- So we all know con is the opposite of pro, right? Well, if pro and con are opposites, then what's the opposite of progress? Congress.
- My friend told me he was making good progress with his erectile disfunction I told him, "Keep it up"
Share These Progressive Jokes With Friends
Progressive One Liners
Which progressive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with progressive? I can suggest the ones about conservative and democratic.
- Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women? Because it is cheaper.
- If the opposite of pro is con... Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.
- If con is the opposite of pro then isn't congress the opposite of progress?
- In a progressively incestuous household... ...it's about upping the auntie
- LG's new Bluetooth department is very progressive Everyone there is LGBT
- Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions? They give me the EBGBs.
- What's the most progressive thing about Joe Biden? His dementia
- If pro and con are opposites Then the opposite of progress is Congress.
- What's the opposite of Protest? Contest.
Whats the opposite of Progress? - If Con is the Opposite of Pro... Does that make Congress the opposite of Progress?
- Why was the ghost progressive? Because he had transparents.
- The opposite of a pro is a con. The opposite of progress is Congress.
- I asked my shrink how he felt about the lack of progress he was making.
- What do you call a basement full of progressives? A whine cellar.
- What's the opposite of a progressive? A French tank.
Progressive Insurance Jokes
Here is a list of funny progressive insurance jokes and even better progressive insurance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company? Progressive
*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance* - Progressive and allstate used to be one insurance company.. .. but nobody wanted prostate insurance.
- My new car only plays Rush and Dream Theater. Apparently it's because my insurance is Progressive
- Which insurance company does Bernie Sanders use? Progressive.
- Insurance companies have a growing trend of hiring transsexuals... It's quite Progressive of them.
- How can you tell if you're progressive? If you bundle home and auto insurance.
- What's an SJW's favorite insurance? Progressive
Flo Progressive Jokes
Here is a list of funny flo progressive jokes and even better flo progressive puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When people get condescending about social issues... "Hey, Flo just called... They want you back at Progressive."
Progressive Era Jokes
Here is a list of funny progressive era jokes and even better progressive era puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Progressive Jokes
What funny jokes about progressive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean socialist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make progressive pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.
We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?
Nah. Need to stay in character.
Are you a v**...?
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a v**...?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
A man goes to see a film alone...
...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."
A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.
Always asking for change.
Progress is amazing. "w**... Only" is in the past
This new color safe bleach is fantastic.
Ban?????
"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"
"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."
"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"
What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?
A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!
If pro is the opposite of con....
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.
Joe Swanson - Family Guy
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
Russia can still win the world cup
Putin just has to make quite a lot of progress quickly on the Western front.
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
It's 294 days after the US Election...
...Biden has progressed to 269.99 electoral votes, and Nevada has discovered 26 million uncounted postal votes that were discovered on 'Storage Wars'. More updates coming soon.
Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?
Yes
A psychiatrist is testing his patients
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6" The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?" The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
Hearing aid
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.
A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
