Progress Jokes
97 progress jokes and hilarious progress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about progress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A timeless selection of work-in-progress jokes that address the perpetual ailments of completing a task and that are sure to lighten the mood and encourage productivity.
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Funniest Progress Short Jokes
Short progress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The progress humour may include short revolution jokes also.
- I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress... I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
- Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising They have always struggled to progress in Russia.
- Everybody's so up in arms about Covid, but I see it as progress. Nothing else made in China has ever lasted this long.
- Knock knock Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him. - Alabama is a really progressive state... Because when a woman gets married in Alabama she doesn't have to change her name!
- If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show. Truly ahead of its time.
- My friend told me he was making good progress with his erectile disfunction I told him, "Keep it up"
- What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest? A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!
- Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968? Yes
- Russia can still win the world cup Putin just has to make quite a lot of progress quickly on the Western front.
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Progress One Liners
Which progress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with progress? I can suggest the ones about achievement and advanced.
- If the opposite of pro is con... Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.
- LG's new Bluetooth department is very progressive Everyone there is LGBT
- Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions? They give me the EBGBs.
- What's the most progressive thing about Joe Biden? His dementia
- What's the opposite of Protest? Contest.
Whats the opposite of Progress? - Why was the ghost progressive? Because he had transparents.
- The opposite of a pro is a con. The opposite of progress is Congress.
- I asked my shrink how he felt about the lack of progress he was making.
- What's the opposite of a progressive? A French tank.
- What do you call a lamppost in Niger? Progress.
- If Pro is the opposite of Con... What is the opposite of Progress?
- What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress? Me
- Did you ever notice... That Kansas is a progressive rock band but a conservative state?
- Karl Marx walks into a bar The punchline gets progressively better over time
- Why does the Lord's son never lose his progress in Photoshop? Because Jesus saves.
Work In Progress Jokes
Here is a list of funny work in progress jokes and even better work in progress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am taking a stand to be progressive. I support youthinasia. So I adopted a kid from there. Sorrymyspace bar isn't working allthetime now.
- People say Ben Shapiro doesn't work out. I disagree He's the king of progressive overload
Progress Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny progress bar jokes and even better progress bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
- My computer is so slow . . . . . . I get a progress bar when I copy and paste . . . text.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Progress Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about progress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean success jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make progress pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.
We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?
Nah. Need to stay in character.
Relationships are a progression of 4 rings.
First is the "Friendship" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment
Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married.
Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends.
Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are you a v**...?
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a v**...?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"
Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.
After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.
Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.
Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.
When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't get why everybody hates on ISIS....
Their drug policy, for one, is incredibly progressive. Women get s**... legally over there all the time!
In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.
I just feel that they would make a greater impact.
A man goes to see a film alone...
...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."
What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?
Progressive
*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*
A building firm hires a new Asian employee...
So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
Divorce custody
A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.
The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."
The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"
Why don't progressives go to the dentist?
Because dentists like everything straight and white.
Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.
For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a basement full of progressives?
A whine cellar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Progress is amazing. "w**... Only" is in the past
This new color safe bleach is fantastic.
Ban?????
"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"
"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."
"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"
I care about gay and transgender rights, but not enough to vote or do anything about it.
I'm passive progressive.
In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey
Hobo Ken.
Having more kids is like making movie sequels
They require a bigger budget, have a worse plot, and get progressively more difficult to name.
I've been going to the gym for 10 years with no progress...
Apparently, you have to actually exercise while you're there to see any results.
With Prince Harry and meghan markle getting engaged, it's great to progress past old prejudices.
Fair play to her for agreeing to marry a ginger.
A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting
But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I approached a lesbian at a bar.
I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.
"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"
I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.
"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"
As my mother got older, her vision got worse so her optometrist prescribed her progressive lenses...
Now she can't see race.
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".
They don't care who pees in what bottle.
Did you know that within the UK, gender equality becomes significantly more progressed the further north you go...
If you go far north enough, it's common place for the men wear skirts and the women have deep voices.
I've been suffering from diarrhea the past few days
...but I'm finally making some solid progress.
My new car only plays Rush and Dream Theater.
Apparently it's because my insurance is Progressive
Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie
Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man
I don't fuss over the difference between "can" and "may" like other English teachers.
In fact, once a student asked me this: "Can you give me an example of future progressive tense?"
I responded with "Certainly. I will be seeing you after class."
He must have wanted another example, as he was still standing in my classroom when I arrived the next day.
"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."
"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'
"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"
"Great progress!"
"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Science is progressing in leaps and bounds. In 20 years...
...we'll definitely have better smartphones.
A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...
I think they're right, I see no progress.
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?
He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.
Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.
Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive
I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.
Progressive and Allstate decided to merge and become one company
They're now called "Prostate"
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
It's 294 days after the US Election...
...Biden has progressed to 269.99 electoral votes, and Nevada has discovered 26 million uncounted postal votes that were discovered on 'Storage Wars'. More updates coming soon.
For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.
Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.
Work in progress, needs fine tuning.
Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday
He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.
News just in.
Apparently Harry Kane has visited Christian Eriksen in hospital.
"He's just managing to string some words together now,
so he's making good progress" said Erikson.
Good luck on a speedy recovery Christian.
Jesus and the Devil have challenged each other to a typing battle on MS Word
It's a close battle and they're down to the last word, when boom! Power outage!
When the power outage is resolved, all of the Devil's progress was lost, but Jesus only had one word to type!
Moral of the story: Jesus saves, and so should you.
My brother told me this one...
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then the opposite of PROgress is CONgress.
My wife is frustrated that I'm not making enough progress on our kitchen remodel, noting the granite has been in for over two months…
I told her that I didn't like being counter-productive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The golfer
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the night progresses, he finds himself with a very attractive woman and they hit it off immediately. He asks her out on a date. "But, before you say yes, I must warn you. I am an amateur golfer. Golfing is my life. Every free moment I'm out golfing. I read about golf, watch golf on TV, talk about golf. My exes all broke up with me because of my obsession with golf," he says. "Well, if you're going to be that honest, than so will I," she says. "I'm actually a h**...." "Oh my God!" the guy exclaims. "Me too!"
A psychiatrist is testing his patients
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6" The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?" The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
Hearing aid
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.
A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
