Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Progress Jokes and Friends
My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.
We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?
Nah. Need to stay in character.
Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"
Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.
In a progressively incestuous household...
...it's about upping the auntie
I asked my shrink
how he felt about the lack of progress he was making.
After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.
Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.
Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.
When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."
What do you call a lamppost in Niger?
Progress.
In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.
I just feel that they would make a greater impact.
A building firm hires a new Asian employee...
So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress!
I've already lost 2 days!
Why don't progressives go to the dentist?
Because dentists like everything straight and white.
You can explore progress discourage reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean progress breakthrough dad jokes. There are also progress puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.
For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.
Progress is amazing. "Whites Only" is in the past
This new color safe bleach is fantastic.
What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?
A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!
Progressive and allstate used to be one insurance company..
.. but nobody wanted prostate insurance.
If pro is the opposite of con....
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.
Joe Swanson - Family Guy
So we all know con is the opposite of pro, right? Well, if pro and con are opposites, then what's the opposite of progress?
Congress.
New Hearing Aid
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!
In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey
Hobo Ken.
A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting
But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation
I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...
I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
If the opposite of pro is con...
Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.
I've been suffering from diarrhea the past few days
...but I'm finally making some solid progress.
"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."
"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'
"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"
"Great progress!"
"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."
Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising
They have always struggled to progress in Russia.
Russia can still win the world cup
Putin just has to make quite a lot of progress quickly on the Western front.
Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow
He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.
'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'
'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'
'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'
'Nor do the Potatoes, Comrade Stalin'
We can all agree the opposite of pro is con, right?
In that case, the opposite of progress is...
Congress
A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...
I think they're right, I see no progress.
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
Laziness is the engine of progress.
The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.
What's the opposite of Protest?
Contest.
Whats the opposite of Progress?
What's the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?
His dementia
The opposite of a pro is a con.
The opposite of progress is Congress.
Progressive and Allstate decided to merge and become one company
They're now called "Prostate"
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress
I'm going there in-person to see what's going on
My friend told me he was making good progress with his erectile disfunction
I told him, "Keep it up"
If pro and con are opposites
Then the opposite of progress is Congress.
For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.
Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.
Work in progress, needs fine tuning.
Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday
He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.
News just in.
Apparently Harry Kane has visited Christian Eriksen in hospital.
"He's just managing to string some words together now,
so he's making good progress" said Erikson.
Good luck on a speedy recovery Christian.
If con is the opposite of pro
then isn't congress the opposite of progress?
Everybody's so up in arms about Covid, but I see it as progress.
Nothing else made in China has ever lasted this long.
Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.
Such as the 800 meter dash.
Jesus and the Devil have challenged each other to a typing battle on MS Word
It's a close battle and they're down to the last word, when boom! Power outage!
When the power outage is resolved, all of the Devil's progress was lost, but Jesus only had one word to type!
Moral of the story: Jesus saves, and so should you.
My brother told me this one...
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then the opposite of PROgress is CONgress.
My wife is frustrated that I'm not making enough progress on our kitchen remodel, noting the granite has been in for over two months…
I told her that I didn't like being counter-productive.
If Con is the Opposite of Pro...
Does that make Congress the opposite of Progress?
It's been 6 months since I've joined the gym and I haven't seen any progress.
>!Tomorrow I'm heading down there in person to find out what's really going on.!<
A psychiatrist is testing his patients
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6" The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?" The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
Hearing aid
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.
A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
