The Best 49 Progress Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Progress jokes. There are some progress wip jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these progress proceed puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Progress Jokes and Puns

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

In a progressively incestuous household...

...it's about upping the auntie

Progress joke, In a progressively incestuous household...

I asked my shrink

how he felt about the lack of progress he was making.

After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.

Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.


Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

What do you call a lamppost in Niger?

Progress.

Progress joke, What do you call a lamppost in Niger?

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

Me

A building firm hires a new Asian employee...

So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"

I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress!

I've already lost 2 days!

You can explore progress discourage reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean progress breakthrough dad jokes. There are also progress puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Divorce custody

A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.

The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."

The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"

Why don't progressives go to the dentist?

Because dentists like everything straight and white.

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Progress is amazing. "Whites Only" is in the past

This new color safe bleach is fantastic.

What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Progress joke, What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

Progressive and allstate used to be one insurance company..

.. but nobody wanted prostate insurance.

If pro is the opposite of con....

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

Congress.

Joe Swanson - Family Guy

So we all know con is the opposite of pro, right? Well, if pro and con are opposites, then what's the opposite of progress?

Congress.


New Hearing Aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

I've been going to the gym for 10 years with no progress...

Apparently, you have to actually exercise while you're there to see any results.

With Prince Harry and Meghan Markle getting engaged, it's great to progress past old prejudices.

Fair play to her for agreeing to marry a ginger.

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on

If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.

I've been suffering from diarrhea the past few days

...but I'm finally making some solid progress.

"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."

"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'

"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"

"Great progress!"

"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Russia can still win the world cup

Putin just has to make quite a lot of progress quickly on the Western front.

Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.

'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'

'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'

'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'

'Nor do the Potatoes, Comrade Stalin'

We can all agree the opposite of pro is con, right?

In that case, the opposite of progress is...

Congress

A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question Why? , she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

If Pro is the opposite of Con...

What is the opposite of Progress?

What's the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

What's the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

The opposite of a pro is a con.

The opposite of progress is Congress.

Progressive and Allstate decided to merge and become one company

They're now called "Prostate"

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I'm going there in-person to see what's going on

My friend told me he was making good progress with his erectile disfunction

I told him, "Keep it up"

If pro and con are opposites

Then the opposite of progress is Congress.

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

News just in.

Apparently Harry Kane has visited Christian Eriksen in hospital.

"He's just managing to string some words together now,

so he's making good progress" said Erikson.






Good luck on a speedy recovery Christian.

If con is the opposite of pro

then isn't congress the opposite of progress?

Everybody's so up in arms about Covid, but I see it as progress.

Nothing else made in China has ever lasted this long.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the progress heals jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working progress development piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes