The Best 83 Programmer Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Programmer jokes. There are some programmer inheritance jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these programmer computer programmer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Programmer Jokes and Puns
For a good programmer, women are like syntax errors...
He doesn't get any.
A programmer
goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem!
Why do programmers like UNIX?
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We don't address hardware issues.
Job Interview
A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts.
As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's rΓ©sumΓ© and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom.
He turns the rΓ©sumΓ© over, but finds that the other side is blank.
The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your rΓ©sumΓ©?"
The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"
A programmers wife tells him...
A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery
She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
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A programmer heads to the shops
His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?
None, it is a hardware issue!
A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...
On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...
He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"
A programmer went to go grocery shopping.
A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?
Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)
A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries
She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen.
He came home with twelve loaves of bread
Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...
She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.
A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes."
What does a programmer have during sex?
An ||gasm.
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
A programmer goes on a walk
A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."
He never returned.
People think being a programmer is super exciting
But sometimes it's just null and void.
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...
...but they fried me for no raisin.
Why don't programmers go on panty raids?
Because they get undie find errors.
Why are C programmers never invited to parties?
They have no class
A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says get some bread, and
while you're there pick up some eggs.
The programmer never returns.
A programmer began to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
When laying in her bed
Looping round in her head
Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
As a programmer, I may not be able to set up a parade...
But I can make an array of floats...
What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician?
An Algo-rhythm.
When a programmer is born, what are their first words?
"Hello world!"
How did the programmer celebrate his birthday?
var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
why don't programmers like nature?
because it has too many bugs
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
Why do programmers struggle with girls?
They tend to objectify them.
*I'll see myself out*
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?
DEC 25 == OCT 31
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
Why did the programmer talk to his boss?
Because he wanted arrays
A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman
Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.
Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.
Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.
The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.
As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread
A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?
No comment.
Why are all programmers drug addicts?
Cause they do a lot of codeine.
Why can't programmers maintain good relationships?
They have a lot of arguments.
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
A woman tells her programmer husband: 'While you're at the store, pick up some eggs.'
He never returned.
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
Women are discussing their sex life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
Why are programmers so immature?
They're still developing
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.
A programmer tells his wife, I'm going to the store.
The wife says, While you're there, buy some milk.
He never came back.ο»Ώ
Why do programmers love winter?
Because there are no bugs...
A programmer got stuck in the shower because...
The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.
She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
He replies, They had eggs.
What does a programmer wear?
Whatever is in the dress code.
A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."
A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"
He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."
As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke
But you might not get it.
A programmer
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"
I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills
You could say I improved bit by bit
A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.
"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".
"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.
Immediately the donkey started crying.
"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.
"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" the donkey bawled.
Only programmers will get this one:
Why did the functions stop calling each other?
Ans: Because they had too many arguments.
What do programmers do when they're hungry?
They grab a byte
If you're a programmer, you would know:
// the real joke is always in the comments
(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?
You're a bit too much.
Why do most programmers use dark mode?
Because the light attracts too many bugs
A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.
[cr
How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug
A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store
"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.
I just made money for the first time as a programmer
I sold my laptop
A programmer walks into a bar,
A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have three beers please.
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
Today I made my first money as a Programmer.
I sold my laptop.
A programer walks into a bar
He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says that he must order a beverage
Pleased, the programmer leaves the bar.
A little later another customer enters the bar and orders 2 beers.
The bar explodes
What code does a depressed programmer write?
"Goodbye world!"
Programming logic
The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store
The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."
My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...
I think it's because they're non-binary
What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.
The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store
The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."
Why does programmers use dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
What is the difference between a vegan and a programmer.
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other by a lack of ramβ¦
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the programmer coder jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working programmer int piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.