Programmer Jokes
117 programmer jokes and hilarious programmer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about programmer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Programmer Short Jokes
Short programmer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The programmer humour may include short computer programer jokes also.
- A computer programmer goes to buy some bread. On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".
He never returned. - What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer? One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.
- How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.
- How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is
- A programmer got stuck in the shower because... The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat." - A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
- A programmer's wife A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread. - A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."
He never returned. - A programmer walks into a bar, A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have three beers please.
- A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
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Programmer One Liners
Which programmer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with programmer? I can suggest the ones about software developer and software engineer.
- Why do programmers get confused between halloween and Christmas? Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25 - What does a programmer wear? Whatever is in the dress code.
- Why do java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.
- Today I made my first money as a Programmer. I sold my laptop.
- (Programmer) What did 0 say to 1? You're a bit too much.
- Why do most programmers use dark mode? Because the light attracts too many bugs
- Why does a programmer prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs
- A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad? No comment.
- Why do blind programmers use Java? Because they can't C.
(I'm so sorry.) - Why are Communists bad Java programmers? They don't like classes.
- Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible? No comment.
- I just made money for the first time as a programmer I sold my laptop
- Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween? DEC 25 == OCT 31
- Why do programmers love winter? Because there are no bugs...
- As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke But you might not get it.
Computer Programmer Jokes
Here is a list of funny computer programmer jokes and even better computer programmer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.
- Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct31 = Dec25
- I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills You could say I improved bit by bit
- [Walks into a bar] An sql query walks into a bar. Looking around, he sees a pair of tables. Going up to them, he asks, "Excuse me, but do you mind if I join you?"
- Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden
- It's OK to go number 1 in the shower... ...unless you count like a computer programmer.
- Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever? Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"
- Why was the little girl scared of the computer programme? He was a PDF file
- What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children? A PDFile.
- If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN that's double trouble.
Unearthly Funniest Programmer Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about programmer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean computer programming jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make programmer pranks.
For a good programmer, women are like syntax errors...
He doesn't get any.
A programmer
goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.
"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"
"Run-CMD"
(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem!
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
A programmer heads to the shops
His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?
None, it is a hardware issue!
A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...
On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...
He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"
A programmer went to go grocery shopping.
A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.
His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."
So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?
Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)
Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...
She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.
A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes."
What does a programmer have during s**...?
An ||gasm.
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
People think being a programmer is super exciting
But sometimes it's just null and void.
Why don't programmers go on p**... raids?
Because they get undie find errors.
Why are C programmers never invited to parties?
They have no class
A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says get some bread, and
while you're there pick up some eggs.
The programmer never returns.
A programmer began to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
When laying in her bed
Looping round in her head
Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
As a programmer, I may not be able to set up a parade...
But I can make an array of floats...
How did the programmer celebrate his birthday?
var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
why don't programmers like nature?
because it has too many bugs
What's a programmer's favorite drug?
Codeine.
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
Why do programmers struggle with girls?
They tend to objectify them.
*I'll see myself out*
A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
Trump receives a message
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.
He hasn't come back.
A zombie walks into a brain store
On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...
She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman
Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.
Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.
Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.
The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A programmer is heading to the store
A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.
As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread
Why are all programmers drug addicts?
Cause they do a lot of codeine.
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
Women are discussing their s**... life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
Why are programmers so immature?
They're still developing
What language is most commonly used by programmers?
v**...
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.
A programmer tells his wife, I'm going to the store.
The wife says, While you're there, buy some milk.
He never came back.
My wife walked in on me m**......
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
Why can't Communists be programmers?
Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties
A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.
She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
He replies, They had eggs.
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.
One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."
A programmer
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"
A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.
"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".
"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.
Immediately the donkey started crying.
"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.
"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" the donkey bawled.
What do programmers do when they're hungry?
They grab a byte
If you're a programmer, you would know:
// the real joke is always in the comments
A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.
[cr
How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug
A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store
"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
What is the difference between a vegan and a programmer.
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other by a lack of ram…
