Programmer Jokes
115 programmer jokes and hilarious programmer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about programmer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Programmer Short Jokes
Short programmer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The programmer humour may include short software developer jokes also.
- A computer programmer goes to buy some bread. On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".
He never returned. - What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer? One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.
- How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.
- How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is
- A programmer got stuck in the shower because... The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat." - A programmer walks into a bar, A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have three beers please.
- Why do programmers struggle with girls? They tend to objectify them.
*I'll see myself out* - As a programmer, I may not be able to set up a parade... But I can make an array of floats...
- A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.
- How programmers and cats are alike? They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug
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Programmer One Liners
Which programmer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with programmer? I can suggest the ones about software engineer and computer programming.
- Why do programmers get confused between halloween and Christmas? Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25 - What does a programmer wear? Whatever is in the dress code.
- Today I made my first money as a Programmer. I sold my laptop.
- (Programmer) What did 0 say to 1? You're a bit too much.
- A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad? No comment.
- Why do blind programmers use java? Because they can't C.
(I'm so sorry.) - Why are Communists bad Java programmers? They don't like classes.
- Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible? No comment.
- Why do programmers love winter? Because there are no bugs...
- As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke But you might not get it.
- How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb? None, it is a hardware issue!
- Why are programmers so immature? They're still developing
- A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates. [cr
- Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.
- What's a programmer's favorite drug? Codeine.
Computer Programmer Jokes
Here is a list of funny computer programmer jokes and even better computer programmer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills You could say I improved bit by bit
- Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden
- It's OK to go number 1 in the shower... ...unless you count like a computer programmer.
- Why was the little girl scared of the computer programme? He was a PDF file
- What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children? A PDFile.
- A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went? As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"
- What happens when a computer programmer does a marathon? Runtime Error.
- Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven? They were too GUI.
- What did the computer programmer name his son? Cody.
(pretty sure I just made this up :) ) - Why was the computer programmer who was sent back in time to 1700 disappointed? Because it was all baroque and no byte
Unearthly Funniest Programmer Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about programmer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean programming language jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make programmer pranks.
"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"
"Run-CMD"
(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do programmers like UNIX?
unzip, s**..., touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
A nerdy sysadmin joke for today
Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?
Because 31OCT == 25DEC
(thank you very much)
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
Job Interview
A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts.
As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's résumé and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom.
He turns the résumé over, but finds that the other side is blank.
The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your résumé?"
The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
What do you call a nation of programmers?
A developing country
A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...
He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"
[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?
Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)
Why can't Java programmers see well?
Because of the eclipse
How do programmers like their snacks?
Byte-sized.
Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...
She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Yes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a programmer have during s**...?
An ||gasm.
People think being a programmer is super exciting
But sometimes it's just null and void.
There are 2 kinds of programmers
Those who understand pointers and
Segmentation fault (core dumped)
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...
...but they fried me for no raisin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't programmers go on p**... raids?
Because they get undie find errors.
Why are C programmers never invited to parties?
They have no class
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Java programmers need glasses?
Because they can't C#.
What's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer?
"Hello, world" and "Goodbye, cruel world"
A programmer began to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
When laying in her bed
Looping round in her head
Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
I worked a 10-hour day today...
Sounds impressive to non-programmers who don't know binary.
What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician?
An Algo-rhythm.
When a programmer is born, what are their first words?
"Hello world!"
How did the programmer celebrate his birthday?
var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
why don't programmers like nature?
because it has too many bugs
The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.
Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.
NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.
New Years resolution
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
Trump receives a message
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
Why did the programmer talk to his boss?
Because he wanted arrays
I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day
And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it
What's a programmer's least favorite bread?
NaN bread
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A zombie walks into a brain store
On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"
A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman
Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.
Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.
Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.
The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Why can't programmers maintain good relationships?
They have a lot of arguments.
How does a programmer undress his girlfriend?
gf.getString();
A woman tells her programmer husband: 'While you're at the store, pick up some eggs.'
He never returned.
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are discussing their s**... life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife walked in on me m**......
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher
As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'
Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things
but at least we can all agree 0!=1
Programmers are so sexist...
They treat their dates as objects.
Why can't Communists be programmers?
Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties
A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."
A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"
He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."
What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?
"Help! I can't C#"
A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.
"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".
"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.
Immediately the donkey started crying.
"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.
"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" the donkey bawled.
What do programmers want from their bosses?
Arrays
Only programmers will get this one:
Why did the functions stop calling each other?
Ans: Because they had too many arguments.
What do programmers do when they're hungry?
They grab a byte
I'm a programmer, wearing glasses
They are made to C#.
If you're a programmer, you would know:
// the real joke is always in the comments
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wow why did my programmer wife grow big b**...?
Because She is a Full-stack Developer
Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?
Because no one likes pointless features.
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
What code does a depressed programmer write?
"Goodbye world!"
