Programme Jokes

Following is our collection of Programme funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Programme jokes

Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. We don't address hardware issues.

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?

He replies, They had eggs.

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery

She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."

The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

A programmer tells his wife, I'm going to the store.

The wife says, While you're there, buy some milk.

He never came back.ο»Ώ

Why do programmers struggle with girls?

They tend to objectify them.

*I'll see myself out*

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

As a programmer, I may not be able to set up a parade...

But I can make an array of floats...

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

DEC 25 == OCT 31

Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

A programmer is heading to the store

A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read aΒ quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "NowΒ I read this and I feel much better. Turns outΒ there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

Why are programmers so immature?

They're still developing

A programmer began to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss.


When laying in her bed


Looping round in her head


Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

Why don't programmers go on panty raids?

Because they get undie find errors.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.

His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."

So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A programmer tells a coworker that his wife just had a baby

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Yes."

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem!

Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...

She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.

My wife walked in on me masturbating...

I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

What does a programmer have during sex?

An ||gasm.

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

why don't programmers like nature?

because it has too many bugs

Why are C programmers never invited to parties?

They have no class

How did the programmer celebrate his birthday?

var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];

Why are all programmers drug addicts?

Cause they do a lot of codeine.

[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?

Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)

A programmers wife tells him...

A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.


The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...

When a programmer is born, what are their first words?

"Hello world!"

Why can't programmers maintain good relationships?

They have a lot of arguments.

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries

She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen.

He came home with twelve loaves of bread

Why did the programmer talk to his boss?

Because he wanted arrays

A programmer gets home one day...

...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"

So he replies: "Yes".

How do programmers like their snacks?

Byte-sized.

Why do programmers like UNIX?

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

Why are C programmers poor?

They don't have any inheritance.

Or...

Why should you not date a C programmer?

They have no class.

How does a programmer undress his girlfriend?

gf.getString();

Programmer husband

A wife says to her programmer husband, "Honey, go to the store and get a gallon of milk; if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes back with only 12 gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs."

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

Programmers and mathematicians disagree on a lot of things

but at least we can all agree 0!=1

A programmer...

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.

A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage.

In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing.

He sent an email to every programmer he knew; he had to inform them of his program's sentience. He ended the essay of an email with a closing note.

"Looks like the real joke is in the comments"

Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?

There are too many bugs

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

Programmers are so sexist...

They treat their dates as objects.

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

Why can programmers become good lawyers too?

Because they know how to pass arguments.

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

Which way did the programmer go?

He went data way.

A programmer is heading out to the grocery store.

His wife tells him "get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 13 gallons of milk.

A wife's programmer husband goes to the store...

She tell him "Buy some bread. Oh, and while you're there, get eggs."

He never came back.

Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

So far, the Universe is winning.

A programmers wife tells him...

"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

He returns with 12 loaves of bread.



@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.

What is a programmers suicide note called?

A goodbye world program

Why do programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

A Programmer goes to the store to buy groceries...

.... and while he's there, his wife calls and says: "While you're out, get some eggs."

He never returns.

How do programmers get a sixpack?

int[][] abs = new int[2][3]

Two programmers are talking about life...

Programmer 1: Does my life have meaning?

Programmer 2: False

Programmer 1: Stop Boolean me

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes