profusely Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious profusely puns

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

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Son : Mom, Dad... I'm gay.

Dad : *Raising his right hand*
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : *Sweating profusely*
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : *waves at son* Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.

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One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

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Son:"Mom,Dad, I am gay"

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD

Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"

Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay

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You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

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A lady who lives on the 30th floor of a highrise is shaking her rugs out on the balcony.

A wind gust catches the rug and pulls her over the side. She starts to say a prayer as she plummets to certain death, when all of a sudden a guy on the 25th floor sees her and catches her.

She is amazed and about to profusely thank the guy, when he says, "Do you suck?" She is stunned and says, "What???" He repeats, "Do you suck?" She realizes he expects a blowjob for catching her and says, "No!" The guy drops her.

She falls another 5 floors and another guy catches her. He asks, "Do you fuck?" Again she says no, and he drops her.

She then falls all the way to the 10th floor, and is caught by a third guy. Realizing she is going to die - she yells at the guy, "I suck! I fuck!"

The guy looks at her, says, "Whore!" and drops her.

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The pet shop parrot.

A lady was walking to work and passed a pet shop when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" This made the lady very angry, but she ignored the parrot and continued on her way.

On her way home from work later that day, she passed by the pet shop again, and yet again the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store to talk to the manager, threatening to go to the police.

The store manager apologised profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot never said that again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the pet shop to see if the manager had kept his promise. "Hey, lady!" the parrot said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

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Raped by an elephant

A man crawls into the emergency room profusely bleeding from his anus. "Somebody help! I've been raped by an elephant!"

The staff was able to get him into surgery to stop the bleeding. Examining the initial hole, the nurse was amazed. It was as as wide as a dinner plate! She questioned him, "Sir, this hole is big. I mean, it's REALLY BIG. And I know that an elephant's penis is long and slender, not thick like this. An elephant certainly did not do this."

The man replied, "He fingered me first."

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The Harassing parrot.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey! Hey, you!" it said.

"What?" She asked.

"You *know* what!"

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A man walks into a police station

with his head profusely bleeding.


Officer: What Happened


Man: My Wife hit me in the head


Officer: Why..??


Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.


Officer: And..??


Man: I got them a taxi

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Curiosity killed the cat.

NASA apologized profusely.

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George Bush was receiving his daily report from his Defense Secretary.

During the report, the secretary said; And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. George suddenly went pale, put his head in his hands and began to sweat profusely.

His staff was astounded. They had never seen the president react like this to such a small loss. Then, after he had recovered slightly, the president brought his head up and quietly asked the aide next to him, "Just how many in a brazilian?"

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay"

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HEY GAY, I'M DAD"

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

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Hey Lady!

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

This continued for a couple weeks. Eventually, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store if the parrot did not stop insulting her.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!"

"Yes?", she said

The parrot said, "You know."

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A blonde goes to a ventriloquist act.

All was well until halfway through, the ventriloquist makes a blonde joke. The blonde stands up.

"That is very offensive, to judge people on how they look! You owe me, and every blonde in the room an apology!"

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." He says.

"Shut up, you! I was talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

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A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.

The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."

Son: "dad, don't."

Father: *sweats profusely*

Cashier: "sir?"

Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

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The parrot in a pet store

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue them. The manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.

"Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador and takes a seat.

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man doesn't miss a beat and replies, "Excuse me, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologises profusely and says, "Here, the first one's on me."

The man walks over and takes a seat near the door. Soon, another man walks in with a chihuahua. The first man says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man thanks him and heads over to the bar.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The second man says, "It's my seeing eye dog." The bartender scowls and says, "I do not believe they give chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

And the second man says, "They gave me a chihuahua?!?!?"

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A man walks into a bar with his dog . . .

. . . and the bartender says "You can't bring a dog in here!"

The man says "It's my seeing eye dog". The bartender apologizes profusely and gives the man his drink on the house.

A second man enters the bar with his dog and the first man calls to him: "Pssst, buddy. You can't bring a dog in here unless you say it's your seeing eye dog". The second man thanks him for the tip, goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring a dog in here!"

The man says "It's my seeing eye dog".

The bartender says "I don't think so, they don't give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs".

The man says "WHAT?! They gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Talking Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a talking male parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're fucking ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way to work .

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're fucking ugly!" She was super pissed-off now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would punish the parrot and make sure he didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" he said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

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A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.

-shrugs- It wasn't hard.

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[Repost]A great dad joke that I had to share

Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay.


Dad: (Clenches fists)


Mom: Don't.....


Dad: (Sweats profusely)


Mom:.........
.
.
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.
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Dad: Hi gay! I'm Dad!

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Science jokes!

A proton walks into a bar. Strolls up to the bartender and says "I don't care what you serve me, but I want the most expensive drink you offer."

The bartender looks at him quizzically. "You sure about that, buddy?"

**"I'm positive."**

A cute little neutron walks in right after him. "I'll have what he's having," she says.

The bartender pours another glass, slides it over with a wink. **"No charge."**

A mole walks into the same bar, sweating profusely.
"I just worked the hardest I've ever worked. I need a drink. No, I need a lot of drinks. Just keep them coming."

The bartender asks, "How many are you going to have?"

**"6.02 times 10 to the 23rd."**


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During conversation, a guy mispronounces a physicist's name. Upon realizing this, he apologizes profusely.

The physicist says, "It's Feynman."

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Hitler's Grave

An Muslim man was walking by a graveyard and saw a Jewish man spitting at a grave profusely. He couldn't help but walk over and asked him why.

The Jewish man responded This is Hitler's grave. I'm spitting on it because he killed almost all of my people . The Muslim man paused for a second, looked down at Hitler's grave and began spitting on his grave as well.

Confused, the Jewish man asked the Muslim man hey, why are YOU spitting on his grave? The Muslim man replied why didn't this bastard kill the rest?!

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I was on a jungle expedition in Bangladesh with some colleauges of mine, when we all came across a tiger...

It was really messy, so out of courtesy we tried wiping it off while profusely apologising.

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Walking your dog

A Korean man walks up to his friends house and sees that his dog is barking profusely and says,

"Do you want me to wok your dog for you?"

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An elderly man was laying in his hospital bed...

... A nurse came in the room to administer his daily medication. Suddenly, the elderly man took a turn for the worse. He began turning red, gasping for air, and sweating profusely. He grasped for a pen and paper on the nightstand next to him, scribbled something quickly, and was gone. The nurse thought it best for his last words to be seen first by his family and loved ones, so she folded it up and put it in her pocket.

Later that day, they arrived, and the nurse handed a sobbing wife her husband's note. She read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube, moron!"

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A dyslexic man walks in to a bar.

Embarrassed, he apologized profusely and handed it back to her.

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"God....You are NOT the father"

*God cripwalks all over the stage as a bewildered Mary cries profusely*

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Mrs. Simpson and the Gynecoligist

Mrs Simpson had just moved with her family to Vidalia, Geogia and she was over due for her annual exam. She checked Angie's List and was surprised to get an appt for the next day. She arrived and soon she was in the stirrups. The doctor looked at her and exclaimed " My God, You've got the largest vagina I've ever seen!" He apologized profusely and finished the exam. "You're in perfect health, make an appointment for next year" he told her. Driving home she was still flustered but even more curious. When she got home she took down the full length mirror in the hallway and placed it in the middle of the living room floor. She took off her skirt and panties and stood above it with her legs spread to examine herself. Just then her husband came home early and exclaimed " What the hell are you doing Honey?" She blurted out "I'm uh uh exercising!" He said " OK, just be careful you don't fall in that big hole!"

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My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

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What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat

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What are the most funny Profusely jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Profusely? Well, here are the best Profusely dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Profusely pick up lines to share with friends.

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