Professors Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Thats what grad students are for

After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"

The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

Other students come by train

A student to his father:

Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son

Next day, an answer comes:

My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.

The exchange student

A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read "Dear son, you are embarrassing me. Take this money and but yourself a train as well!"

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

A group of professors are on a plane.

A group of professors are on a plane as an experiment. They were told that the plane was made by their students. Naturally everyone panicked, their students were not the brightest people. However there was one professor who did not show any sings of fear. When they asked him why he replied "how can i be worried if the plane won't even take off."

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed when I arrive at university in my Lamborghini every day, whereas my fellow students and even the profs come here every day with a subway train, I stick out like a sore thumb."

The next day, his father replies:
"Son,
I've transferred $100 million to your bank account. Go buy yourself a subway train, too - don't you be a disgrace to us!"

Three professors go to the nudist beach

They start reading their newspapers, when suddenly Miss Ridgewell approaches them from the Chemistry Department. The alarmed professors react immediately. Two of them hide their manhood with their newspapers, the third, however, hides his face. They politely salute the lady, who simply passes by to join her friends.

When she's far gone, one of them asks the third professor, "Why did you hide your face?"

To which the third professor replies, "I don't know about you guys, but people usually recognise my face..."

Engineering professors and their students.....

A group of engineering professors boarded a plane to a conference.
After they are all seated, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic.
When they notice one weird looking professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?"
He answers "I know my students well. If they really did build this plane, I can say with 100% certainty that it will never even start."

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.

Three stat professors were out hunting...

...when they came upon a deer by a river.

The first professor fired his rifle, and the shot went three feet to the left.
The second professor fired, and the shot went 3 feet to the right.

The third stood and exclaimed "Alright! We got him!"

Why do failing college girls always screw their professors?

Cause they want the D.

College Professors are like Dora The Explorer

They ask a question, stares at the class for a few seconds, and then gives the answer.

Logic

Three professors visit a nudist beach, and strip off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".

Once all the engineering professors were sitting on one plane...

Before the take off an announcement came over the fanboy.
"This plane is made by your students"
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside, but the principal was sitting.
One professor came and asked "Are you not afraid?"
The principal replied " I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won't even start"

Is the reason why all of the Pokemon professors are named after trees because

They embark you on your journey?

What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"

Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.

This plane is made by your students

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.

Before the takeoff, one announcement came

This plane is made by your students

Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.

But the principal was sitting.

One guy came and asked, are you not afraid ?

Then the principal replied

I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won't even start .

Two quantum mechanics professors had sex

They must have had physical chemistry.

This popped into my head in class the other day...

Why do professors like stats and physics students?

Because they'll work for p naughts.

The two Propositional Logic professors at a local university are named Professor P and Professor Q.

Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.

Why are colleges starting to teach quantum computing?

When professors try to explain binary states, the students tell them to go educate themselves.

What is a professors favourite snack?

Academia Nuts.

I need advanced science/research jokes. I have to do stand up in front of dozens of senior research professors. Help!

Through a long series of coincidences, hijinx, and idiocy, I, a sophomore undergraduate, am going to be standing up in front of an entire university's research staff, consisting of PhD's and MD's who will someday probably be grading me, telling jokes at the the winter research symposium. I need jokes on science and research, preferably medicine, pharmacology, biology, and chemistry. I have a couple, but I need a bunch. HALP!

What do you call someone exclusively attracted to college professors?

A-sexual

Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street

One says look, a twenty dollar bill!

The other replies no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up .

Professors at a university stumbled upon a pile of dead crows.

Upon taking them in for examination, they noticed that most had faint paint stains on their bodies. It was determined 98% of the murder of crows were hit by trucks and 2% by cars as the cause of death.

Why were there so many hit by trucks rather than cars?

The lookout crow could call out "Cah," but they couldn't call out "Truck."

Differential calculus professors suck.

They always go off on tangents.

The professors of an engineering school are invited to fly on a new plane

When they arrive, they are told that the plane was built by their students. After hearing this, almost all the teachers run away and leave the plane, except for one.
When is asked "why did you stay in the plane?" He says "i know my students and i am pretty confident that this thing won't even turn on"

When professors with tenure need a quick snack

Do they eat academia nuts?

When I was younger my father was a math professor...

One day I asked him what the average professor was like. He replied, "there is no average professors, but I know a lot of mean ones!"

One of my professors has been inappropriately touching me every night

Life is tough for autodidacts.

How do professors get to their first day of class?

The sylla-bus

Where do Calculus professors go when they get hurt?

L'Hospital

An infinite number of professors walk into a bar...

the first walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a pint of lager." Before the bartender can start pouring the second says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender is about to pour when the third pipes up, "The same but half again!" Once again the bartender is about to serve when the fourth says, "Yeah a lager, but half of that!" The bartender, once more is about to pour when the fifth interrupts. He's about to order when one of the professors in the back shouts, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST POUR TWO BEERS!"

So a Student walks into a cafeteria where the professors eat...

He goes and sits at their table with them and begins eating his lunch. One professor is not amused and asks the young man: "have you ever seen birds feast alongside cows?"
The student says: "Oh I understand, I guess I should fly away now"

The professor gets angry and decides to plot a plan to fail him on the next exam. So after the exam the professor asks: "I shall ask you a question, and if your answer is reasonable I will award you a high grade, if not, you shall not pass(hehe)"
The student agrees and so the professor asks: "If you had to choose only one between the following, which would you choose? great Wealth or great Knowledge and wisdom?"
The student responds: "Great wealth"
The professor says: "well I would have chosen great Knowledge and wisdom!"
The student then says: "of course, we have both chosen the one thing we lack most"

The Three Professors

Three professors are arguing over who is the best at teaching.

The first professor boasts, "I teach so well, my students never ask any questions. This proves they understand me immediately!"

The second professor responds, "Nonsense! I teach so well, my students never ask questions OR take notes. It's clear they remember the lesson instantly!"

The third professor grins and says, "You're both amateurs. I teach so well, my students don't even have to show up to class!"

What are the funniest professors jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Professors? Well, here are the best Professors puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Professors pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes