Profession Jokes
123 profession jokes and hilarious profession puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about profession that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Profession Short Jokes
Short profession jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The profession humour may include short occupation jokes also.
- When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother... We are from the south so things are going good.
- A cop pulls over a miner and asks "Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"
And the miner replies "Mine." - The worst thing about being a profession skier... ...is that your career can only go downhill
- It's disgraceful that in 2020 the train-driving profession is overwhelmingly male-dominated. Surely it's... a woman's right to choo-choos.
- My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything. A great loss to the veterinary profession.
- What profession is the pickiest when it comes to dating? Scientists.
They reject H0s all the time. - I started brewing beer specifically for certain professions. The first two batches were brewed for lumberjacks and bellhops. A lager and a porter.
- What profession has the most beautiful eyes? Beekeepers, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
- One liners about professions ? Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn't have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn't crack it.
Anyone got any more ? - I'm thinking about changing my profession to mirror repair It's a job I can really see myself doing.
Share These Profession Jokes With Friends
Profession One Liners
Which profession one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with profession? I can suggest the ones about prod and career.
- I should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.
- What was the first profession to go all digital? Proctology.
- What profession is it important to know how to read lips? A gynecologist.
- What profession has the most retention? Morticians. They are very deadicated.
- What profession loves tea the most? Tea-chers!
(From my 10 year old today) - Why is lockpicking a great profession? It can open doors for you
- What is the most masculine profession? What is the most masculine profession?
Maleman - Why are postal carriers the most masculine profession? Because they're male men
- Two aspiring lawyers walk into the Bar It was due to nepotism in the legal profession.
- Why don't shark bite Lawyers? Profession Courtesy.
- What's the most stable profession? Homelessness
- What's your profession? ... Sir, did you hear me? I herd.
- R. Kelly states that when his sentence is up he is going to change professions. Therapist
- Prostitution is the only profession where you get tipped twice. Har har
- Why are there so few morticians? It's a dying profession.
Oldest Profession Jokes
Here is a list of funny oldest profession jokes and even better oldest profession puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You know what the third oldest profession is? Divorce attorney
- First Manager If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, the world's first manager was a p**......
Cheerful Fun Profession Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about profession you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prov jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make profession pranks.
A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.
Whats the best profession to have for dating?
Arctic sailing, since its always handy for icebreakers.
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
Its not a profession.
Two people meet at a bar and start talking about work.
The first person says 'so mate, what do you do for a living?'
The second, aroggently puffs out his chest and full of pride says with a smirk 'I sir happen to be an artist'
To which the first person reply's 'hey that's ironic I'm unemployed as well!'
A beautiful blonde woman ...
... was pulled over by a policeman.
"Is there a problem, officer?" she asked.
"Yes. There is no red light on your car. You can`t go driving around without one," came the answer.
"Oh officer. You are mistaken," she explained. "I will have you know that I am not in that kind of profession."
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.
When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a p**... and a drug fiend."
"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"
"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
Last Names
Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news
How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?
Because they both "practice" their professions.
What do you call it when someone relies on sleep studies for a profession?
a rem job
Being a comedian is one of the professions that is considered successful when manslaughter is a nightly occurrence
Womans laughter is good too...
Goldsmiths, what is your profession?
Au, Au, Au.
What profession does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Driver
Worst profession for take your kid to work day:
s**... Bomber
Racing car drivers
The only profession where you are considered successful if you've had a checkered career.
Some joke my dad told me a long time ago
What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?
Barbers.
What is the most whoreish profession today?
Store greeters. They let everybody 'come inside'!
no offense folks! :)
If some last names were an ancestor's profession (Baker, Cobbler)
How do you explain Dickinson?
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.
"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"
"Yes, Father?"
"Do you renounce Satan?"
"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"
There was once a time when being a politician was a respected profession...
...and this was during the times of Ancient Greece.
A group of friends were named after their professions.
The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because f**... People Out of Money' takes to long to say.
Which profession has the worst sense of humour?
Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.
How great would it be to make my hobby my profession?
I just haven't come across a well paying spermbank yet.
I am so bored in my current profession. I am thinking of becoming a bartender...
...to shake things up a bit.
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...
A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
What's the difference between a trade and a profession?
What kind of robot you use to replace them.
There are certain professions where having experience doesnt account for anything
like being a s**... bomber
Apart from designers, what profession is the best at making clothes?
Biologists, they work with genes all the time.
Wife: Let's do some role playing
Wife: Let's do some role playing
Husband: Okay, be your friend Sheila
Wife: I was thinking of some s**... profession..
Husband: Oh okay. What is Sheila's profession?
What profession gets the most tips?
The Mohel (the guy who does the circumcision)
This made me smile for days
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
What's the highest paying profession in the world?
Circumcision. You don't get paid much hourly. But you get a lot of tips!
most dishonest profession
Whats the most dishonest profession?
being a LIEbrarian
Which profession is feared by terrorists more than any other?
Telemarketers.
Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?
He made a spectacle of himself.
.
ok its bad. Apologies in advance.
After a few years of prostitution, a girl escaped to another profession.
Beatboxing.
A Mathematician, a Biologist, and an Engineer walk into a bar.
Nobody there cares about their professions, and they just order drinks.
The Cardiologist's f**...
A renowned cardiologist passed away, and all his friends from the same hospital attended his f**.... In order to pay tribute to his profession and his passion, he was buried in a coffin shaped like a heart.
After the service, it was noticed that one of the doctors was smiling. When asked why, he said "Oh, I'm just imagining my own f**.... I'm a gynecologist, you see."
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
TIL there is a profession that does nothing but study my life during my 20's
They're called "Depression Historians".
VERY SAD DAY.
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and would have been a brilliant veterinarian.
The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into
Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.
Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.
I wanna be a Doctor?
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor." "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
They fired my friend, doctor, for sleeping with his patient
After 7 years of studying, they fired my friend, doctor. He slept with his patient and can no longer carry out his profession for this. So much effort, time, money, and hop, it's just a one little mistake that makes you lose everything. Dave, I stand by you, you are still a wonderful person and an excellent veterinarian for me!
s**... workers need to be more accepted in society
The profession as almost single handedly raised children out of poverty in places like Thailand
The tomcat next door just professed his love to my kitty.
He told her he would even die for her if he had to.
She rolled her eyes and asked him, 'Oh yeah? How many times?'
My friend got fired recently...
After years of medical training, a friend of mine was fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients, so he can no longer work in his profession. I feel really bad for him because he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Stalker
I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."
Do you know who makes judgments about people based on their profession?
Waiters...
the next big profession
**hipster driving a Prius:** is this more efficient than hyrid and electric?
**hipster riding a horse:** that's what the salesman told me.
Magnus Carslen and Fabiano Caruana are in the wrong profession, they obviously need to be artists.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Back in the day last name said something about your profession...
The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.
Non English speaking mom boasts about my profession to her friends "My son is a Racist!!!"
MOM! ITS RACER!
A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients
His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.
There's a reason they call it "March Madness".
A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.
The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells This is for the Vols! and jumps off the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes his love for his team. He screams This is for the Cats! and pushes the Duke fan off the mountain.
Some surnames are professions, like Smith. Some refer to ancestors, like Johnson.
Thing is, I've never met a Dickin before.
Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.
VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.
Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.
My local p**... is thinking about switching professions
She's been rethinking all of her whoreable life choices
