Quirky and Hilarious Professional Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.
Good players are hard to find.
America, a land ...
where many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
Professional boxers usually will abstain from s**... the night before a big fight....
...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr
I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums.
He was a professional tuna.
A man walks into a pharmacy
A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an e**... that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."
I thought of this joke this morning in the shower
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam
But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".
Why do professional boxers not have s**... the night before a big fight?
Because they don't like each other very much.
What award did Chewbacca win his first season as a professional athlete?
Wookie of the year.
You can explore professional residency reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean professional expert dad jokes. There are also professional puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Don't vaccinate your children!
Let a trained medical professional do it!
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."
Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?
I've finally turned a corner in my career.
A blind man walks into a bar
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?
They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
A professional limboer walks into a bar.
He was disqualified from the competition.
Keep away from professional dermatologists..
They make rash decisions
Professional women's soccer is so boring.
Why am I even jerking off to this?
So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat
But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
I am a professional counterfeiter.
I even have the certificates to prove it.
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
A Professional
A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-Sure.
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.
I'm not a professional caddy or anything....
but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.
What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?
A dog, duh.
My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.
He only lost once.
I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...
...and call it LinkedIn Park.
I'll show myself out now.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
I met four professional coffee tasters and every one of them was a terrible person.
I don't know how they can sleep at night.
I tried to be a professional blacksmith for a living...
But I was arrested for forgery.
"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.
I said, "Spiders."
He said, "Professional ones?"
I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."
What do you call a professional angler?
An afishonado
What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?
NASCAR
When I was in Thailand I had a driver that ran through all the red lights.
I got mad at him but he said he was a professional driver. When he stopped at a green light I asked why, and he said Just in case there are other professional drivers out there
A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,
But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.
Good players are hard to find.
My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.
Good players are hard to find.
My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.
I have some big shoes to fill.
"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."
...said the man as he handed me my business card.
I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything
I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.
Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Why don't professional boxers have s**... before a fight?
They probably don't like each other.
A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.
So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with this pole. He's gonna fall, and my dog is trained to bite the crouch, so when the gorilla protects his groins, I handcuff him and bring him back to the wild. Hold this gun, please". The man asks "what do I do with it?", and the guy "If I fall from the tree, shoot the dog".
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
Why don't professional fighters have s**... the night before a big fight?
They probably don't like each other.
If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?
A coworker
A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...
The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
Did you know R Kelly had a chance to become a professional Hockey player?
The only problem was.. is that he never wanted to score after the first period.
I won't vaccinate my kids.
I'll leave that to a professional.
A guy in a dimly lit bar turns to the woman next to him and says hey you want to hear a blonde joke?
The woman responds, before you tell your blonde joke, let me tell YOU something. I'm a professional MMA fighter and I'm blonde. The woman next to me is a professional kickboxer and she's blonde too. Oh and next to her, a judo instructor. Also blonde. You still want to tell me that blonde joke?
The man turns back to his beer. Ughh. Not if I have to explain it THREE times.
Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?
He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.
How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?
They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.
A professional limbo player walks into a bar
He got disqualified
A blind man walks into a bar.
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
a man walks into a bar and shouts
"who thinks he's badass enough and can beat me in an open fight?"
"I do", answers a man from the corner, 7 feet long, well muscled and looks like a professional boxer or something
Our man looks at him, then turns to the rest and shouts
"who thinks he's badass enough and can beat us two in an open fight?"
A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay, It was at Walmart."
Why do professional bakers and chefs always use butter?
Because there's no margarine for error.
A doctor found a cure for muteness
Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.
He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.
He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He brings the man that has been cured to the microphone.
The cured man clears his t**... for the first time in ages, and states:
"Thank you all. I don't know what to say."
I must be very unlucky
every time I argue with someone on reddit it's with someone who's already a professional in that subject! never knew redditors were so smart
A limbo professional walks into a bar
He is immediately disqualified
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year
than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.
I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my b**....
I always wanted to be a roll model.
Warning: 2 professional women thieves
Guys, recently are 2 good looking women robbing people on the street, while one makes out with you, the other robs your stuff, be careful guys, i have already been robbed 6 times
I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.
I thought, Now there's a seasoned professional .
My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie.
I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."
