The Best 73 Profess Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Profess jokes. There are some profess fujifoo jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these profess swear puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Profess Jokes and Puns
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....
...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr
Its not a profession.
Two people meet at a bar and start talking about work.
The first person says 'so mate, what do you do for a living?'
The second, aroggently puffs out his chest and full of pride says with a smirk 'I sir happen to be an artist'
To which the first person reply's 'hey that's ironic I'm unemployed as well!'
What was the first profession to go all digital?
Proctology.
My professor proposed we start a Pessimists Club on campus...
I told him it would never get off the groud
I used to know a very professional scarecrow
He was outstanding in his field.
Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personalities
Why do professional boxers not have sex the night before a big fight?
Because they don't like each other very much.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.
He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."
A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."
My professor asked me to define narcissism
I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."
You can explore profess logan reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean profess oldest profession dad jokes. There are also profess puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam...
Aced it!
What profession is it important to know how to read lips?
A gynecologist.
A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"
A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.
A professional limboer walks into a bar.
He was disqualified from the competition.
Keep away from professional dermatologists..
They make rash decisions
Which profession has the worst sense of humour?
Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.
professor gave us a 2000 word essay...
So I gave him two pictures.
Professional women's soccer is so boring.
Why am I even jerking off to this?
My professor called me into his office.
"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."
"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"
He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"
"Dave69 on Pornhub."
A professor was teaching a class of hyperintelligent youngsters on Game Theory
"To get an A in the test tomorrow your score will have to be as close as possible to 2/3s of the average score of the class."
Afterwards everyone signed up for the test.
The test was the next day.
No one showed up.
My professor accused me of plagiarism
His words, not mine.
My professor asked me to give an example of a word whose definition got reversed.
I literally had no answer.
I am a professional counterfeiter.
I even have the certificates to prove it.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!
My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...
The black objects absorb more.
Why are IT professionals bad at being therapists?
Patient: I just have too many problems in my life.
IT professional: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
A Professional
A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."
What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?
Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.
My professor wanted me to write an essay on existentialism...
So I passed in a blank sheet of paper
I'm not a professional caddy or anything....
but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.
A professor was teaching a languages course
"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"
A professor makes a bet with a student
A professor makes a bet with a student. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.
Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?
The student having no idea hands the professor $1.
Student: What animal walks on 2 legs, sleeps on 4 legs, and runs on 3 legs?
The professor is stumped, so he gives the student $100.
Professor: Ok you win, but on earth was the answer to your question?
The student gives the professor $1 and goes home.
A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of "mixed emotions" was...
The student said "watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac."
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Thats what grad students are for
Professor: I'm going to have to report you for plagiarism.
His words, not mine.
Professional female athletes are tasty
because they're chick contenders
Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?
Because it was a mute ant.
I tried to be a professional blacksmith for a living...
But I was arrested for forgery.
*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*
That's to bad eh, they're parents could'nt afford hockey equipment growing up.
What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?
NASCAR
My professor said to put my name on the top of my paper
I was super confused. It was just too thin!
I used to be a professional ski athlete
It just went downhill from there
A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.
Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.
A professional cartoonist died the other day
The details are still a bit sketchy
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...
We are from the south so things are going good.
I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything
I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?"
JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."
Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the test papers and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying
"A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
Professor X: whats your super power?
Me: Hindsight.
Professor x: that wont help us.
Me: Yes I see that now
- Professor Snape, why are you masturbating?
>!\- You have your mother's eyes!!<
Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight?
They probably don't like each other.
A professor in a Logic class says "Alright class, if you know what 'affirming the consequent' means, then raise your hand."
A student raises her hand.
The Professor says "Ah, yes. You know what it is?"
The student says "No, why would you think so?"
Since professional piano players are called pianist
then why aren't race car drivers called racest
Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?
They probably don't like each other.
If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?
A coworker
Professor: April, you are failing my class.
April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I'm sure we can fix this. I'll do annnything to pass.
Professor: {gulp} anything?
April: YES! Anything you can dream up.
Professor: Will you…… study?
A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....
....when a young man approached his desk.
Here's my paper, sir, said the student.
I'm sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.
Well, excuse me, sir, the student said, haughtily. Do you know who I am?
No, I do not, replied the professor.
Good! the student answered gleefully, as he hastily stuck his paper into the middle of the stack and beat a hasty retreat.
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
Professor of linguistics
A professor of linguistics was giving a lecture about double negatives he " in some languages double negative means positive but in others double negative means still means negative , but there is no such thing as double positive meaning negative"
A student from the back was heard shouting "yeah right"
Professor X: What's your superpower?
Me: Foresight
Professor X: You know that redditors were expecting a hindsight joke repost?
Me: Yes I knew that.
A professional limbo player walks into a bar
He got disqualified
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"
A professor dreams that he steps on a rusty nail
After waking up, he puts a bandage on his foot. At work another professor notices the bandage and asks about it. After hearing the explanation he says: "That is exactly the kind of thing why normal folks think academic people are nutty. Why on earth did you go to sleep with bare feet?!"
A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.
A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
a professional pickup line
A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."
Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
I tried to be a professional body builder once
But i lost my whey
I used to be a Professional Digresser
but that career went off track.
A professor said that
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why do professional bakers and chefs always use butter?
Because there's no margarine for error.
What profession has the most retention?
Morticians. They are very deadicated.
What profession is the pickiest when it comes to dating?
Scientists.
They reject H0s all the time.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the profess raymond jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working profess allege piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.