You see, it used to get cold outside
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually
people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.
"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."
"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.
"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."
"Do you have a punch line?"
"Nope."
...it'll be a vacuum!
I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...
A Steve Job
A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts.
She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get them for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken, giving her a larger bust. She decides to go out to the bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms and says "Haven't I seen you here before?". "No, but I think we go to the same doctor" he answers, furiously opening and closing his legs.
Conditioner
Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!
They called it Elongate.
Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.
"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."
"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.
"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."
"Do you have a punch line?"
"Nope."
Apple announced a new product: a bra that can store and play music. The iBra. The product is being praised as a step toward better relations between men and women. It is intended to address the complaints of women about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.
Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
Toucan play at that game
A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.
His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product
it will be a vacuum cleaner.
Good product placement.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back.
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain, or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.
Because it's the only Chinese product that lasted this long.
I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her and I have strong moral principles and a clean soul.
A very clean soul... almost as clean as your laundry after being washed with the new AXON liquid detergent, super strong, coming with vanilla and lemon flavors for only $4.99.
A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"
"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close.
Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Edward was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Charles was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Richard was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the Groom, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.
2 and a half hours of Amazon this and Amazon that... sheesh.
She goes up to a salesperson and says, gesturing to a product: "I would like to buy this T.V."
Salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
Outraged, the blonde leaves the store, dyes her hair red and returns the next day.
The blonde attempts yet again to buy the TV.
The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The frustrated blonde storms out of the store and returns the next day with black hair.
"Can I PLEASE buy this damn TV?"
The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The blonde screams in defeat and cries "How did you always know?? I came several times with different hair colours and even asked different people to buy it!"
"Mam, that's a microwave"
The first American product they tested blew everyone away.
A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall.
So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip.
A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is.
The salesman says "you really must try the dip"
And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it.
"Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!"
The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Employee 1: We need to stop testing our product on animals.
Employee 2: Shampoo companies test on animals all the time though.
Employee 1: Ya but we're a dildo factory.
When you're buying salt.
Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.
Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.
This text is tiny, I can't read it.
Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you
She says to the employee, "I can't have an orgasm, what can you give me?"
He says, " We have this new product, called the magic dildo. All you have to do is say magic dildo and where you want it to go."
"Ok, magic dildo, my pussy," she says.
The magic dildo goes to her pussy, and she has the most amazing orgasm of her life.
"I'll take it." She says.
On the way home she uses the magic dildo again.
"Magic dildo, my pussy."
She is having such a great orgasm that she is unable to control the car. She's driving all over the road. Then, a policeman sees her and pulls her over.
He says, "What's going on here? You're all over the road."
"I just got this magic dildo, and I was having such an amazing orgasm that I lost control of the car." She explains.
The policeman replies, "Magic dildo my ass!"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children running
around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on
a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But in fact, I know most people do use it for sex.
I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far,
can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "Sure. My husband and I put it on the
door knob to keep the kids out."
And he always stood behind his product
For their 50'th anniversary an industrial grade vaseline company decided to give away $10,000 in prizes to their customers with the most original use for their product. One particular couple stood out from the crowd by far:
Couple: We use it when we have sex. It works amazing.
Company: But this is an industrial lubricant. it can be harmful for your health.
Couple: Oh no dear. We just smear the door knob to our room so the kids can't get in
For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown
The next day he goes back to the store and returns it
Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it?
70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled
you might say that my product is making headlines
Polish Remover
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me but, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."
iDoubtit
The first Apple product that doesn't suck
(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)
Given the recent slowdown in iPhone sales, Apple announced today that it will skip the wearables market and develop a line of digital implants for adults. The first product, shipping in the summer of 2016, is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. The new Apple iBoobs, sold in pairs, will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Ukraine.
Little Jimmy is in class when his teacher asks "What's 6x9?"
Little Jimmy answers "54" and the teacher says "Good job! Now, what's 9x6?"
Little Jimmy says "What's the fucking difference?" and the teacher says "No, what's the fucking product?"
And says, "Look, doc, I'm feeling a little saggy and wrinkly in the face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you, so give me something that lasts."
The doctor says, "well you're in luck. There's a new product on the market called 'The Knob.' Basically, we install this small knob on the back of you head and if you ever want a little skin tightening, you just give it a quarter turn."
The woman thinks this sounds great so she has the surgery.
She shows up to the plastic surgeon's office 15 years later and says, "Hey, doc, this thing has been great but lately I've been noticing these bags under my eyes that won't go away."
The surgeon says, "Yes that is a complication we didn't anticipate. Those aren't just bags under your eyes--those are your breasts."
She sighs and says, "well I guess that explains the goatee."
It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.
Because I am the product of a real mom and an imaginary father.
iVac
I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Me: I write product reviews online for mostly everything I buy.
They should have seen it coming. They had a tearable product.
Because you have no money left after buying an Apple product
They call it Elongate.
Twelve seconds, here I cum!
Scent from my iPhone
He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his foreskin collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.
...it was basically just a play, on words.
But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.
It's where I get shit done.
Seriously, Slim Jims are terrible.
when they make a vacuum.
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
"My business is failing, nobody is buying my product," I told her.
An old man, who was completely naked, overheard and walked over. He said, "That's interesting."
"You are completely naked," I frowned, "There are children on this beach."
He said, "Well at least I know my target market."
Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.
This upset another group of citizens, who thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should mind their own business.
Both groups started shouting at each other, getting louder and louder. It was a cacaofanny.
New product, same design.
There is a new slimming product in town.
It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.
Tamper Bay
Apple juice
... but that's so much work.
We exist / Together now
Two corpses / In one grave
Burma-Shave
They have a gross domestic product.
The regular one says "Made in China".
The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."
Just watch
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.
Wrapping paper.
Dan, my brightest student, wrote a brilliant essay about how wages and labor are balanced to ensure that a vendor sells his product at a competitive price. I gave him A marks.
Emily wrote an essay that touched upon the fundamentals, but didn't really explain the concepts with the quality and depth I was looking for. I gave her B marks.
Sasha wrote an paper on why capitalism is a disgusting byproduct of greedy fascists who seek to control the population. Needless to say, I gave him Karl Marx.
It's supposed to get rid of dandruff, but it didn't work!
Turns out it's just sham poo.
I never knew there was a brand called "how the hell did you get in here?!'
The product sells itself.
It did great in the 12-25 prison stint group though.
Conditioner Gordon.
But then my friend told me they test every sheet
The iEyeCaptain
But my buddy Kenwood.
They're really a product I can stand behind!
He always stood behind his product.
Haggis
1.) Make a list
2.) Cross off the first thing on your list
3.) Reward yourself with a nap
"We stand behind our product"
...but more often than not the difference won't shock you.
The Tiki Torch company is running an ad promoting their new product line.
That's when I saw butter fly.
And now his watch has ended.
They're calling this new product the "Hypo- ten use"
Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione stop into Bertie Bott's shop one day. Bertie says, "I've been working on a new product called Every Flavour Lollies and I'm giving out free samples. And they have an extra surprise feature. Which flavour would you like to try?"
Ron gets a big smile and says, "I'll take bacon!" Bertie hands Ron a lolly and he licks it and says, "Wow, it tastes like bacon!"
Bertie says, "Now for the surprise, flip it over!"
"Ok," says Ron, as he flips it over and takes a lick. "Mmm, eggs!"
Hermione says, "I'd like to try cappuccino please." She takes a lick and smiles, then turns it over, takes a lick, and says, "Yum, biscotti!"
Harry gets a mischievous grin and says, "Do you have pussy flavour?"
"Sure," says Bertie as he hands Harry a lolly.
Harry takes a lick and spits in disgust. "This tastes like shit!"
Bertie nods and says, "Now flip it over!"
Q: What dairy product makes the best kind of friend?
A: well, I hear cheese always has a 'grate' time
(I guarantee someone's thought of it before me)
And if that doesn't tickle your funny bone, try this one (fairly similar):
Q: how do you find the IQ level of dairy products?
A: a cheese grater
(Also probably not original)
The Cross Product
Brochure.
…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"
I'm calling it: Cadaviar.
Because they were under a buck.
A boar shin.
Roundup, because it kills the *weed*!
Swiss cheese, after all it's the holeist!
Chemo.
For being the only Chinese product to last.
It's the only Chinese product that lasted more than a year
You could say it's pretty GENEious
iWood.
... consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. Trust me, I tried.
"Run, florist! Run!"
Ibra
DLC.
Newborn girls.
It's called i-opener
Unless you are trying to sell tires or sex toys.
The Vatican. They've only ever produced 27 papas.
school shootings.
Working title «Annual Sales Report», coming December 31.
"Rib it! Rib it!"
Does that mean division is counterproductive?
You throw it on the ground and tampon it.
Because he's a cross product.
1% milk
You'd be an iSore.
That's a product I can stand behind
Maid in France
Because nobody wanted to smell his dairy air.
An air conditioner.
Cream Mate
One is a feminine hygiene product, and the other is a disposable douche.
Nothing but gross domestic product.
to free you of your money
One step and it's ready:
Just add water!
A buccaneer
...and call it "Jingle Bell Rock."
White, heterosexual, cisgender people not included in this product.
For philosophers, religious and introspective types...
it's called "The Human Conditioner".
Chemotherapy
Let's hope the final product actually holds up.
Beta
But she had a new type of vagina my penis was incompatible with.
Gross domestic product!
their first product is the Ipatch!
iSis
Which makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market...
Participants.
The iOpener
a hair straightener
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Product? Well, here are the best jokes about Product to have fun with.