product Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious product puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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research for vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually
people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

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The beverage factory

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."

"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.

"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."

"Do you have a punch line?"

"Nope."

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If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

...it'll be a vacuum!

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Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

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What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

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Bigger Boobs

A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts.

She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get them for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken, giving her a larger bust. She decides to go out to the bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms and says "Haven't I seen you here before?". "No, but I think we go to the same doctor" he answers, furiously opening and closing his legs.

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What is Pavlov's favorite hair product?

Conditioner

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Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates created a penis enlargement product.

They called it Elongate.

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First Day On The Job

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."

"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.

"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."

"Do you have a punch line?"

"Nope."

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New Apple Product Announcement: The iBra

Apple announced a new product: a bra that can store and play music. The iBra. The product is being praised as a step toward better relations between men and women. It is intended to address the complaints of women about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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<> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod.

Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.

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What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

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What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game

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(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KΓ–FFIN product

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If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

it will be a vacuum cleaner.

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Why was the dildo company so successful?

Good product placement.

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Innovative Uses for Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain, or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

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Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?

Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.

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The Great Wall Of China Is Famous

Because it's the only Chinese product that lasted this long.

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A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her and I have strong moral principles and a clean soul.
A very clean soul... almost as clean as your laundry after being washed with the new AXON liquid detergent, super strong, coming with vanilla and lemon flavors for only $4.99.

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The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close.

Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Edward was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Charles was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Richard was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the Groom, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

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Wonder Woman would have been a much better movie without all the product placement.

2 and a half hours of Amazon this and Amazon that... sheesh.

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A blonde walks into an appliance store...

She goes up to a salesperson and says, gesturing to a product: "I would like to buy this T.V."

Salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes"

Outraged, the blonde leaves the store, dyes her hair red and returns the next day.

The blonde attempts yet again to buy the TV.

The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The frustrated blonde storms out of the store and returns the next day with black hair.

"Can I PLEASE buy this damn TV?"

The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The blonde screams in defeat and cries "How did you always know?? I came several times with different hair colours and even asked different people to buy it!"

"Mam, that's a microwave"

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It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.

The first American product they tested blew everyone away.

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A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall.
So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip.
A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is.
The salesman says "you really must try the dip"
And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it.
"Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!"
The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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Company meeting at the factory

Employee 1: We need to stop testing our product on animals.

Employee 2: Shampoo companies test on animals all the time though.

Employee 1: Ya but we're a dildo factory.

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When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

When you're buying salt.

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A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

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A woman walks into a sex shop

She says to the employee, "I can't have an orgasm, what can you give me?"
He says, " We have this new product, called the magic dildo. All you have to do is say magic dildo and where you want it to go."
"Ok, magic dildo, my pussy," she says.
The magic dildo goes to her pussy, and she has the most amazing orgasm of her life.
"I'll take it." She says.
On the way home she uses the magic dildo again.
"Magic dildo, my pussy."
She is having such a great orgasm that she is unable to control the car. She's driving all over the road. Then, a policeman sees her and pulls her over.
He says, "What's going on here? You're all over the road."
"I just got this magic dildo, and I was having such an amazing orgasm that I lost control of the car." She explains.
The policeman replies, "Magic dildo my ass!"

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Vasaline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted by a young woman with three small children running
around at her feet.


He said, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"


She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."


"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"


"We use it for sex."


The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on
a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But in fact, I know most people do use it for sex.
I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far,
can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"


The woman said, "Sure. My husband and I put it on the
door knob to keep the kids out."

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My father sold podiums

And he always stood behind his product

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Vaseline

For their 50'th anniversary an industrial grade vaseline company decided to give away $10,000 in prizes to their customers with the most original use for their product. One particular couple stood out from the crowd by far:

Couple: We use it when we have sex. It works amazing.

Company: But this is an industrial lubricant. it can be harmful for your health.

Couple: Oh no dear. We just smear the door knob to our room so the kids can't get in

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A 70 year old man buys his wife a present

For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown

The next day he goes back to the store and returns it

Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it?

70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled

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I'm a corduroy pillow salesman

you might say that my product is making headlines

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What is Hitler's favourite beauty product?

Polish Remover

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Research Survey!

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me but, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."

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Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years?

iDoubtit

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Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

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Apple iBoob

Given the recent slowdown in iPhone sales, Apple announced today that it will skip the wearables market and develop a line of digital implants for adults. The first product, shipping in the summer of 2016, is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. The new Apple iBoobs, sold in pairs, will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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What is Russia's favorite imported product?

Ukraine.

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Little Jimmy is in class when his teacher asks...

Little Jimmy is in class when his teacher asks "What's 6x9?"

Little Jimmy answers "54" and the teacher says "Good job! Now, what's 9x6?"

Little Jimmy says "What's the fucking difference?" and the teacher says "No, what's the fucking product?"

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A middle aged woman goes to a plastic surgeon....

And says, "Look, doc, I'm feeling a little saggy and wrinkly in the face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you, so give me something that lasts."

The doctor says, "well you're in luck. There's a new product on the market called 'The Knob.' Basically, we install this small knob on the back of you head and if you ever want a little skin tightening, you just give it a quarter turn."

The woman thinks this sounds great so she has the surgery.

She shows up to the plastic surgeon's office 15 years later and says, "Hey, doc, this thing has been great but lately I've been noticing these bags under my eyes that won't go away."

The surgeon says, "Yes that is a complication we didn't anticipate. Those aren't just bags under your eyes--those are your breasts."

She sighs and says, "well I guess that explains the goatee."

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Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

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I am a complex kid.

Because I am the product of a real mom and an imaginary father.

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Apple finally releases a product that doesn't suck

iVac

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A new type of product !

I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

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Interviewer: have you done any public service?

Me: I write product reviews online for mostly everything I buy.

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Perforated Paper Products Inc just went out of business.

They should have seen it coming. They had a tearable product.

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An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Because you have no money left after buying an Apple product

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates create a penis enlargement product.

They call it Elongate.

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I bought a product that is supposed to make me last four times longer during sex.

Twelve seconds, here I cum!

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You could say the smell of a new Apple product is...

Scent from my iPhone

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A Rabbi had been saving foreskin

He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his foreskin collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.

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So I went to a production about puns today...

...it was basically just a play, on words.

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I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

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I'm most productive at work when I'm in the bathroom.

It's where I get shit done.

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Gas stations should be ashamed for selling a poisonous product that we over-consume and that pollutes the Earth...

Seriously, Slim Jims are terrible.

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Apple will make a product that doesn't suck....

when they make a vacuum.

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Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

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I was on the beach with my wife.

"My business is failing, nobody is buying my product," I told her.

An old man, who was completely naked, overheard and walked over. He said, "That's interesting."

"You are completely naked," I frowned, "There are children on this beach."

He said, "Well at least I know my target market."

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A chocolate company was making chocolates shaped like a woman's ass.

Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.

This upset another group of citizens, who thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should mind their own business.

Both groups started shouting at each other, getting louder and louder. It was a cacaofanny.

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What do Porsche and Apple have in common?

New product, same design.

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Brexit

There is a new slimming product in town.

It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.

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What's it called when someone messes with unpurchased product in central Florida?

Tamper Bay

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With your current salary what Apple product can you buy?

Apple juice

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I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ...

... but that's so much work.

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If Gravemind from Halo did product placement...

We exist / Together now
Two corpses / In one grave
Burma-Shave

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There is a country whose main export is spiders...

They have a gross domestic product.

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What's the difference between a regular product and a fancy one?

The regular one says "Made in China".
The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."

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Apple's next big product is going to be a total fail

Just watch

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Apple scraps a new product...

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.

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What paper product speaks really quickly?

Wrapping paper.

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I just graded a social studies essay on capitalism

Dan, my brightest student, wrote a brilliant essay about how wages and labor are balanced to ensure that a vendor sells his product at a competitive price. I gave him A marks.

Emily wrote an essay that touched upon the fundamentals, but didn't really explain the concepts with the quality and depth I was looking for. I gave her B marks.

Sasha wrote an paper on why capitalism is a disgusting byproduct of greedy fascists who seek to control the population. Needless to say, I gave him Karl Marx.

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I just bought this hair product that uses bat guano.

It's supposed to get rid of dandruff, but it didn't work!

Turns out it's just sham poo.

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I surveyed 50 women on what hair product they used in the shower.

I never knew there was a brand called "how the hell did you get in here?!'

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What's the best part of advertising for prostitutes?

The product sells itself.

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In a short-sighted rushed effort to reboot the iTouch product Apple decided to market it to schools. Apple named their new product iTouch Kids. It didn't go over well...

It did great in the 12-25 prison stint group though.

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What is Batman's favourite hair product?

Conditioner Gordon.

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I always wondered if people who make shitty toilet paper use their own product

But then my friend told me they test every sheet

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What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches.

The iEyeCaptain

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I don't like product placement.

But my buddy Kenwood.

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I'd like to take this opportunity to endorse podiums

They're really a product I can stand behind!

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My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman in the business

He always stood behind his product.

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What is Scotland's gross domestic product?

Haggis

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How to be Productive:

1.) Make a list

2.) Cross off the first thing on your list

3.) Reward yourself with a nap

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What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client?

"We stand behind our product"

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A flaccid penis is like beta gameplay - not representative of the final product...

...but more often than not the difference won't shock you.

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Bad news for people planning on boycotting tonight's NFL game.

The Tiki Torch company is running an ad promoting their new product line.

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Dairy product truck clashed and everything inside went flying out.

That's when I saw butter fly.

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Did you hear about Jon Snow dropping his new Apple product?

And now his watch has ended.

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Scientists are using a new geometric formula to produce hypodermic needles that can be used up to ten times before being disposed.

They're calling this new product the "Hypo- ten use"

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Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Lollies

Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione stop into Bertie Bott's shop one day. Bertie says, "I've been working on a new product called Every Flavour Lollies and I'm giving out free samples. And they have an extra surprise feature. Which flavour would you like to try?"

Ron gets a big smile and says, "I'll take bacon!" Bertie hands Ron a lolly and he licks it and says, "Wow, it tastes like bacon!"
Bertie says, "Now for the surprise, flip it over!"
"Ok," says Ron, as he flips it over and takes a lick. "Mmm, eggs!"

Hermione says, "I'd like to try cappuccino please." She takes a lick and smiles, then turns it over, takes a lick, and says, "Yum, biscotti!"

Harry gets a mischievous grin and says, "Do you have pussy flavour?"
"Sure," says Bertie as he hands Harry a lolly.
Harry takes a lick and spits in disgust. "This tastes like shit!"
Bertie nods and says, "Now flip it over!"

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Not sure if this was already out there, but I just thought of it on my

Q: What dairy product makes the best kind of friend?
A: well, I hear cheese always has a 'grate' time

(I guarantee someone's thought of it before me)
And if that doesn't tickle your funny bone, try this one (fairly similar):

Q: how do you find the IQ level of dairy products?
A: a cheese grater

(Also probably not original)

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What is Jesus' favorite mathematical operation?

The Cross Product

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"Bro, can you give me some kinda book or pamphlet for this location or product, bro?"

Brochure.

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Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…

…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"

Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."

Juan: "Yeah?"

Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"

Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."

Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."

Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."

Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."

Juan: "What was it?"

Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"

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I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women…

I'm calling it: Cadaviar.

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Why were deer testicles the most popular product at the meat fair?

Because they were under a buck.

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What's the most controversial animal product?

A boar shin.

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What's a Rastafari's least favourite product?

Roundup, because it kills the *weed*!

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What dairy product is the most revered?

Swiss cheese, after all it's the holeist!

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What's the worst hair product?

Chemo.

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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the World...

For being the only Chinese product to last.

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The Great Wall is famous

It's the only Chinese product that lasted more than a year

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DNA is a wonderful product of evolution.

You could say it's pretty GENEious

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Would you guys buy Apple's new product for lumberjacks?

iWood.

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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on any

... consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. Trust me, I tried.

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Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

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What is next best apple product for manchester united fans

Ibra

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What do we call the process which usually happens after a company deliberately sells a misleading product to its customers?

DLC.

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China has one of the largest manufacturing and exporting economies in the world. What product of theirs is most commonly exported?

Newborn girls.

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Apple has created a new product only for the Chinese

It's called i-opener

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Putting dogs on product packaging increases sales by up to 25%.

Unless you are trying to sell tires or sex toys.

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What's the least productive country in the world?

The Vatican. They've only ever produced 27 papas.

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What's America's #1 domestic product?

school shootings.

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EA finally to publish a good product

Working title Β«Annual Sales ReportΒ», coming December 31.

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I work as a product designer for a condom company. This annoying frog keeps advising me on my designs.

"Rib it! Rib it!"

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The result of mutiplication is called a product

Does that mean division is counterproductive?

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What do you do when a feminine hygiene product catches on fire?

You throw it on the ground and tampon it.

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Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?

Because he's a cross product.

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What's the favorite dairy product of Wall Street executives?

1% milk

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If you were an Apple product

You'd be an iSore.

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I am proud to endorse podiums

That's a product I can stand behind

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What's the only product label anyone would get excited by?

Maid in France

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Why did the entrepreneur's milk vaporizer product fail?

Because nobody wanted to smell his dairy air.

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What do you call a hair product that makes your hair silky smooth and also cools you?

An air conditioner.

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What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2?

Cream Mate

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What's the difference between Rick Perry and Summers Eve?

One is a feminine hygiene product, and the other is a disposable douche.

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My university professor had a lecture on the economy of eating ass, and it was underwhelming.

Nothing but gross domestic product.

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A free product means...

to free you of your money

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I have a million dollar idea for a new product: dehydrated water

One step and it's ready:
Just add water!

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What does a pirate, who sells corn, charge for his product?

A buccaneer

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Chris Rock and Drake Bell should make a Christmas special together, about making a song for a product...

...and call it "Jingle Bell Rock."

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Politically correct 21st century equality the game.

White, heterosexual, cisgender people not included in this product.

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Coming out with a hair product line....

For philosophers, religious and introspective types...
it's called "The Human Conditioner".

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Heard of that new product for removing gum that's stuck in your hair?

Chemotherapy

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The advertising for the new Steve Jobs film looks amazing.

Let's hope the final product actually holds up.

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What do u call an Indian product tester?

Beta

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I tried having sex with an Apple product designer recently... (NSFW)

But she had a new type of vagina my penis was incompatible with.

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12 Chickens lay 12 eggs each for a home run farm buisness.

Gross domestic product!

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Apple has now turned to medical accessories!!

their first product is the Ipatch!

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Which is the most popular Apple product in the middle East?

iSis

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Apparently, an Apple computer, built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976, sold for nearly $1 million...

Which makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market...

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What are the most productive pants?

Participants.

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What is the most popular Apple product in China?

The iOpener

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what's a good hair product that can change someone's sexuality?

a hair straightener

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What are the best Product puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Product? Well, here are the best jokes about Product to have fun with.

Joko Jokes