Produce Jokes

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?

In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.

Tim Tebow is a lot like Mary because they're both virgins.

But at least Mary was able to produce.

Corny Jokes

What kind of bees produce milk?
--Boobies
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
-- fo drizzle
What's black and rhymes with snoop?
--Dr. Dre
Why don't you play poker in the jungle?
-- Too many cheetahs
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater for Xmas??
-- Gh, Gh, Ghee, U Knit..

Why do gyms produce the best Rebels?

Because of all the resistance training

What do midget's bodies produce more of?

Endwarfins

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

I used to work in a grocery store

I quit when I found out the guys in produce were making twice my celery.

Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.

What do you call it when a cell is determined to produce ATP?

Cellular Desperation

Did you know that depending on their mood, people produce two different smelling types of sweat?

That's just my two scents on the topic

Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business?

Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.

Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film?

Because interest in the Bond is so low.

I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs...

That way all of my vegetables feel special.

What's the difference between a feminist and a vending machine?

A vending machine can make money and produce change.

20,000 Dots

Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots, my Art teacher said, but I only see one. They're on top of each other. I explained.

What is India known to produce the most of?

Indians

A dozen monkeys, locked in a room with typewriters and infinite time would produce Shakespeare. What do you get when you give a gorilla a smartphone for an afternoon?

@realDonaldTrump

My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.

He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

Which movie Harvey Weinstein would have loved to produce?

The Great Gosby

for an organism to be classified as a mammal, they have to have hair and produce milk

by that logic, a coconut is a mammal

Eminem, 50 Cent and Andre from Outkast get together to produce a new single.

50 Cent says, 'I'll make the beat.'
Eminem says, 'I'll release it on my label and deal with the promo.'
Andre says, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write'

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?

And a lot of produce too.

TIL the mint in San Francisco does not produce any circulating coins

It doesn't make cents!

I made a contest to see which silkworm would produce more silk.

But it just ended up in a tie.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?

The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.

I tell ya, it's fine to eat one test grape in the produce section ...

But take *one bite* of rotisserie chicken, and they're all, "Sir, you need to leave."

Don't trust the farmer! The poultry he advertised was far better than the produce he sold!

When I challenged him, he only apologised for giving me a misleading egg-sample.

Humans produce around 1/4th the energy that all the life on earth produces per day. The biomass of the Earth produces around 200 terawatts of energy per day, in sugars.

And apparently so does my diet.

So i know a guy who used to be a sailor.

Now he stays at home, and his wife seems to be discontent with him. So a few weeks ago, he got scurvy. I wondered, "what could possibly give him scurvy? He can just go to the store to get some produce! He's probably got food at home!"
Turns out he was trapped in a fruitless marriage.

Why do zombie films cost less to produce in Europe than in the States?

They don't have to pay the makeup artist to do the teeth.

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

What did the producer say after seeing Caitlyn Jenner's audition for a Marvel movie role?

"Cast her as the Hulk. She's been Bruce before."

Where's the best place to store your GMO produce?

In the Vegetable CRISPR

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the bartender advises. "You'll know it's coming when he stands up and drops a beet."

Somewhere out there, a tree is tirelessly working to produce oxygen so you can breathe.

I think you owe it an apology

Scientists are using a new geometric formula to produce hypodermic needles that can be used up to ten times before being disposed.

They're calling this new product the "Hypo- ten use"

My physicist girlfriend says I'm extremely attractive!

In the 'having enough mass to produce a strong field of gravity' kind of way.

I have an idea for a new reality TV show

Where landowners give up a small patch of unused land to innovative companies that produce energy.
Frack My Ditch Up.

Why was the snowman in the produce section? He was picking his nose

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

A n old farmer grows watermelons

However, every night, a group of kids would sneak into his farm at night and eat some of his produce. One day the farmer gets fed up with this and places down a sign in the field saying "Warning: one of these watermelons has been injected with cyanide". He then waits. Night passes and the farmer excitedly goes out to his field to check the results, only to find another sign posted next to his saying "now there's two of them"

As she glared at me as we sat in the hospital,

It occurred to me that we probably should've changed our safe word from "pineapple" when we started experimenting with produce.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,
Well what does that leave you with?
Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.
I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…