The Best 88 Produce Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Produce jokes. There are some produce deliver jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these produce buyer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Produce Jokes and Puns
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?
I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."ο»Ώ
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?
In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.
Niggawatt
Def: theoretical unit of work. The amount of work 1 black man can produce in 1 hour.
My mate lent me $5,000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit.
He stole my limelight.
Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?
I guess the eggplant came first!
I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
Udderly useless.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?
A milk dud.
What do you call a dairy cow who doesn't produce any milk? (OC)
An utter disappointment
Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we'd probably save the planet too.
Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath.
You can explore produce invent reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean produce induce dad jokes. There are also produce puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Organic Vegetables
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables when I went to the market. I looked around but couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee in the produce section and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The produce guy looked at me, slyly smiled and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Dad joke I came up with at work.
I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
What do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk?
An udder failure.
Why did they produce a reality show about midgets?
Because they only wanted a little drama.
I tried crossbreeding my cows.
I was attempting to create a new type of milk that was super sweet.
Instead, none of the cows would even produce milk. It was a complete and udder failure.
America is kind of like testicles
If the right nut can't agree with the left nut. We can't produce.
What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?
Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".
Grocery produce aisle
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Programmers today...
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.
How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?
Udderly useless.
What do you call it when a cell is determined to produce ATP?
Cellular Desperation
I can produce silver just by sniffing.
Smelt it with my own nose.
**I'll show myself out**
Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business?
Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.
What do cows produce during an earthquake?
MILKSHAKE!!!!
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
Udder disappointment.
I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs...
That way all of my vegetables feel special.
If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...
... too bad they only produce oxygen.
20,000 Dots
Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots, my Art teacher said, but I only see one. They're on top of each other. I explained.
What kind of bees produce milk instead of honey?
Boobies!
What is India known to produce the most of?
Indians
Two nuns are out for a stroll...
... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"
My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.
He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.
Eminem, 50 Cent and Andre from Outkast get together to produce a new single.
50 Cent says, 'I'll make the beat.'
Eminem says, 'I'll release it on my label and deal with the promo.'
Andre says, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write'
Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?
And a lot of produce too.
I made a contest to see which silkworm would produce more silk.
But it just ended up in a tie.
What kind of factory can produce only adequate products?
a satisfactory
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.
I tell ya, it's fine to eat one test grape in the produce section ...
But take *one bite* of rotisserie chicken, and they're all, "Sir, you need to leave."
TIL you need a 3.0 GPA to produce honey
You can't produce honey without Bs.
I invented a machine that makes money out of thin air.
Even though I programmed it to produce coins, it only spits out notes...
It makes no cents.
Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie
Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"
Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"
Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
Don't trust the farmer! The poultry he advertised was far better than the produce he sold!
When I challenged him, he only apologised for giving me a misleading egg-sample.
So i know a guy who used to be a sailor.
Now he stays at home, and his wife seems to be discontent with him. So a few weeks ago, he got scurvy. I wondered, "what could possibly give him scurvy? He can just go to the store to get some produce! He's probably got food at home!"
Turns out he was trapped in a fruitless marriage.
Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.
The resulting human will be negative.
Where's the best place to store your GMO produce?
In the Vegetable CRISPR
A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.
"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the bartender advises. "You'll know it's coming when he stands up and drops a beet."
The meaning of life is the same for all living things, to have lots of sex to produce offspring.
I'm failing big time.
George Clooney Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
George said: I'll Direct
Matt Damon said: I'll produce
Matthew McConaughey said: ill write ill write ill wriite
So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"
Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?
Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.
Yet another way they're jalapeΓ±o business.
A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...
He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.
What do you call bees that produce milk?
booh-bees!
So if a cow doesn't produce milk...
Is it considered a milk dud or a udder failure
When a cow doesnt produce milk...
is that an udder failure ?
Two of the cows on our farm will not produce milk
We called the one Milk Dud and the other an Udder Failure
I'm just milking it now.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"
Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,
your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.
Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE
There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
A n old farmer grows watermelons
However, every night, a group of kids would sneak into his farm at night and eat some of his produce. One day the farmer gets fed up with this and places down a sign in the field saying "Warning: one of these watermelons has been injected with cyanide". He then waits. Night passes and the farmer excitedly goes out to his field to check the results, only to find another sign posted next to his saying "now there's two of them"
As she glared at me as we sat in the hospital,
It occurred to me that we probably should've changed our safe word from "pineapple" when we started experimenting with produce.
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobies
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
....Then Soviet
A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.
Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,
Well what does that leave you with?
Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.
I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
Recently a new supermarket opened nearby
It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any moreβ¦
Which bees produce milk?
Boobees
How do dolphins become happy?
They produce endolphins!
I got some produce on my way home today.
It was a very fruitful walk.
ββ-
This is an original!
Cows are amazing
Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?
Because it's so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet
I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.
All I did was take a leek.
My wife asked me why Russia has paid family leave while the US does not...
I explained that in Russia life is hard and adults need to be incentivized to produce more kids.
But in America, if we want more kids, we just have to let some immigrants out of their cages. Much cheaper.
I wanted to produce my own carpets
But I'm not rugged enough
Isn't it amazing that the French had the Flying Buttress in the 1400s
but could not produce a flying aeroplane till the late 1800s.
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
An udder failure.
Time flies like the wind.
Fruit flies like the produce.
There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.
They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.
If a cow doesn't produce milk...
Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
People are a lot like Vegetables
Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..
Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.
What's the difference between North Korea and the North Pole?
One of them is forever ruled by a jolly fat man who directs an entire race of short people to produce packages he can drop from the sky all over the world, and the other is the North Pole.
A blonde and a brunette inherit their parent's ranch but they soon run into money trouble
The brunette says "I'll go to town to buy a bull to produce offspring then send you a telegram when I'm done."
So she gets the bull, goes to the telegram office but she only has enough money left for 1 word. She tells the man at the office to send the word "Comfortable" and he says she'll never know what that means.
So the brunette says "My sister's a blonde so she'll read the word very slowly: Com-for-tha-bull."
Studies show that cows produce more milk...
when the farmer talks to them.
It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".
I asked a produce seller from boston if they had a truck.
They were like "No, I avocado"
Standing in the produce area of the grocery store, holding up a melon.....
Once you get married, you cantalope
God, produce is so expensive these days...
I wish there was an amateurduce aisle
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the produce intensive jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working produce yield piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.