Proclaimers Jokes
110 proclaimers jokes and hilarious proclaimers puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about proclaimers that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Proclaimers Short Jokes
Short proclaimers jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The proclaimers humour may include short jokes also.
- My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed. You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.
- Auto correct got me arrested while proclaiming my love to my crush. Apparently there is no explanation for saying "I wish you were nine."
- Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire? He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.
- Have you walked 500 miles? Have you walked 500 miles?
Have you been asked to walk 500 more?
You may be entitled to compensation!!!
For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!! - The spokesperson for the National organisation against impotence got up to the podium... ...And proclaimed "This will not stand!"
- A pretty lady with bad gas farts in an Apple store... She looks around and loudly proclaims "HA! Bet you wish you had Windows now!"
- What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"? Scotch tape.
- A guy with LED Light up shoes at work, excitingly proclaims "Look at my shoes! They light up when I walk away!" His annoyed co-worker sarcastically replies: "Doesn't everyone?"
- A restaurant is attracting a lot of attention with their new slogan It proudly proclaims: "Beat the meat with organic vaggies"
- A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today. "I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.
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Proclaimers One Liners
Which proclaimers one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with proclaimers? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Saudi Arabia now supports euthanasia Just proclaim you are homosexual
- I am a selftrained, 4 time world champion in chess. Self proclaimed as well
- Oscar the Grouch recently proclaimed his love to me. With a song called "I Love Trash"
- A man walks into his second rodeo He then proudly proclaims "This isn't my first rodeo."
- I can breathe underwater! I proclaimed with a glass of water on my head.
- A dozen fish are in a tank. Then one proclaims: "Can anybody drive this thing?"
- What is The Proclaimers favourite type of cheese? RICOTTA, RICOTTA
- What do you call a self proclaimed straight woman? A liar
Proclaimers Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about proclaimers you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make proclaimers pranks.
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"S**t!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.
A r**... boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a v**...!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”
The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!”
The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to c**.
.., yet they only had 2 parachutes.
The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a c**... and jumped.
The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already
lived a wonderful and full life.
The boy replied, "You can have the other c**... because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein counts down while the two hide. Pascal immediately runs for it, but Newton just draws a square around himself and stands there.
As he turns around he proclaims "Found you, Newton!"
"No, you found one Newton on a square-metre. You found Pascal."
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...
The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
An elderly man was lying on his death bed
and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the f**... they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."
Gods opinions on TV
"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"
Sony 16:9
Thor the God of Thunder
So Thor, the God of Thunder, is sitting on his cloud on Asgard when he suddenly wants to visit the humans. He jumps on his magical flying horse and rides down to them. When he gets there he proclaims, "I AM THOR!" to which his horse replies, "Well, that's because you forgot your thaddle thilly."
Golfing rage.
A man and his wife are out golfing one day. The wife tees off and breaks a window on an expensive looking house. Feeling guilty the man decides to talk to the owner and pay for the damages.
They knock on the door, but nobody seems to answer. Being the nice couple they were they enter the house to leave a number. A man calmly walks down the stairs and proclaims "I am a genie and I own this house, since I am a generous man I will grant you two 3 wishes but as you see I am very lonely having no contact with hardly anyone the only thing I as is for granting you these 3 wishes I would wish to have s**... with your wife. The couple talk it over for a while and agree to the genie. The first wish, the man asks 'I wish for a million dollars.' 'done' says the genie. The wife says, 'I wish for a house on every corner of the earth.'
'done'
'As for the last wish, I wish for a cruise ship.'
'done.'
His wife then leaves upstairs with the genie, after a couple hours the genie and his wife come down the stairs.
'So how was?' says the man.
'Good, but it surprises me you still believe in genies!'
Two rabbis are at temple...
Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep breath, he sat back down. The second rabbi, feeling a similar rush of soul stirring, stood up, and with his hands clasped over his head and his eyes shut tight, proclaimed calmly "Lord, I am nothing." Sitting back down, both rabbis returned to their talmudic ruminations.
Near the front of the room was a volunteer cleaner, who had been sweeping up and saw both of the revered men make the profound statements. So overcome with emotion having just witnessed the most sublime of confessions from such great leaders of faith, he tossed down his broom, fell to his knees, and wailed "Oh LORD! I am nothing!"
The rabbis both looked up, startled out of meditation. The first rabbi looked at the second, and gesturing towards the cleaner with his eyebrows, said "So look who think's he's nothing."
Missing some parts (not for the easily offended)
A couple are in a hospital waiting to see their newly born child for the first time, when the doctor comes in and says; "I'm afraid I've got some bad news." The couple look shocked. "Your baby seems to be missing some parts; follow me." The couple follow the doctor down the hall into a room of newly born babies. First, they approach a baby with no arms. The wife screams, "Oh God! Is this my baby?" The doctor says, "no, keep following". Next the couple approach a baby with no arms or legs. The husband asks, "Please doc, is this our baby?". Again, the doctor says, "no. Follow me" Next they get to a baby that is just a head. The wife, almost hysterical now, proclaims, "I can't take this; how am I supposed to look after a head?" The doctor, beginning to anger, says, "Please Mrs Smith. This baby is not yours; I'll tell you when it is your child." Finally the doctor reaches the last baby. He announces, "This, is your child." The baby is just an eye. The couple immediately break down crying. The doctor then says, "And I'm afraid I've got some more bad news;
he's blind."
A violinist goes to Israel to play a concert...
The violinist goes along with his concert and plays to the best of his ability. When he was finished, he rose up and gave a bow. The crowd roared in applause, but from the back of the crowd a man yelled,
"Play it again!"
Honored by this request, the violinist obliged, and played his piece again.
When he finished, the crowd again roared with applause. The man in the back of the audience proclaimed once more,
"Play it again!"
Knowing he was pressed for time, the Violinist replied,
"I am honored by your request sir, but I have another concert to perform in Turkey and I have to catch my flight.
Finally, the man said,
"You are going to sit down and play it again until you get it right!"
b**...
Three friends travelling through the Amazon jungles become lost, when all of a sudden they are snared up in a huge net. Suddenly, 100 angry looking tribesmen appear and drag the 3 men back to the village.
When they arrived at the village, the chief comes out and says in broken English "You trespass on our sacred land. You have two options, death or b**..."!
The first man thinks about his family back home and chooses b**.... Ten of the largest tribesmen come over, pick the man up, bend him over and each has their way with him.
The next man, also thinking of his family, chooses b**... despite how horrible that looked. Again, 10 giant tribesmen come over and have their way with the man.
The third man is brought up to the chief, and he looks over at his two friends who are passed out from what just happened. He thinks about how he has no family and nothing worth enduring what his friends suffered, so he chooses death.
The chief, perplexed, says, "Hmm, nobody ever choose death before". After thinking a minute the chief proclaims, "Death by b**..."!
A muslim, buddhist and a Christian were arguing...
about whose God was the greatest.
The muslim said "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "allah allah allah allah..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "ALLAHALLAHALLAHALLAH!!!" all the way until he hit the ground and died.
Next, the Buddhist said, "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "buddha buddha buddha buddha..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!" and a great big hand came down from the sky and caught him safely.
Lastly, the Christian proclaimed "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus..." until he looked down and realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and started shouting at the top of his voice "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!"
An old woman joins a gang.
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She went to a bar where she new they hung out and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms was at the entrance.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the parking lot.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my n**... a few times."
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
So this plane is flying over the atlantic.
So this plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean. The captain comes over the loudspeaker and says, "One of our engines is malfunctioning but we should still make it to our destination just a little late.".
30 minutes and everyone hears a loud BOOM. The passengers get nervous and start looking at each other. The captain comes over the loudspeaker again, "We uh... have a problem. Another engines has gone out and we won't have enough fuel to make it. We've dumped our luggage and now we have to make the unfortunate request to have some of our passengers jump out."
The flight attendant pops the hatch. A well dressed gentleman goes to the hatch and proclaims in a British accent, "Remember the queen of England!" before jumping out.
Next a large frenchman goes to the front and proclaims in a thick accent, "Remember le president!" before jumping out.
Next a Texan moseys on up to the air lock and yells "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" then he throws two Mexicans out the door.
Getting beat
(AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
My old man (a doctor)'s Favorite.
A man waits patiently in the lobby of the ICU to see his wife, who has been in a coma for over a month, when a nurse runs out and says that he is needed right away.
Standing outside the room, the nurse tells the husband, "This morning we were giving your wife a sponge bath and we noticed something amazing!"
"What is it?!? the husband asked
The nurse explained, "Well, while we were giving her the sponge bath, we noticed that when we would touch her...uh....v**...... her vitals would spike on the monitor!"
Confused, the husband asked, "Well what do you need me for?"
The nurse responded, "Well we need you to go in there and perform o**... s**... on her, to see if that won't wake her up."
The man immediately agreed and closed the curtains as he entered the room.
5 minutes later the alarms sounded as the woman flat lined.
"Shes dead!" proclaimed the nurse, "What did you do?"
The man replied, "... I think I choked her..."
Topical Jokes (5/22)
Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!
First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more s**... during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".
Weird entertainment news, Paris Hilton has signed onto Cash Money Records. It's there she plans to rap under the emcee name, Li'l Self Respect.
More celebrities. Justin Bieber is now threatening to sue fans if they try to break into his home. Bieber also says he has a whole team of lawyers set up if any females try to break into his room despite the "no gurls allowed" sign.
Good news on the Catholic front, Pope Francis proclaimed that every single human has been redeemed. The Pope said, "God even forgave me for that time I got wasted and peed in the baptismal font so, seriously, stop bringing that up."
And more hopeful news, Vice President Biden told crowds today that the US is not in decline - which is expected for someone who hinges the US's status based on how many Slurpee flavors are available at 7-Eleven.
Just a quick set tonight but thanks for reading!
The legend of Sorry the archer.
An archery contest is taking place, and all the top archers of Europe are in attendance. The final begins, and the three greatest archers must compete in shooting an apple from a little girls head.
The first archer steps up. He draws, and fires an arrow right through the apple. The audience applauds, he bows and proclaims "I am Robin Hood!"
The second archer steps up. He draws, and also hits the apple. He waves his hat at the cheering crowd, and cries out "I am William Tell."
The third archer steps up. He draws, and fires his arrow through the little girls eye. Blood sprays everywhere, the audience gasps and ladies faint. He takes his hat off, and announces "I am Sorry".
Two kids are walking down a dirt path...
a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
3 women sitting at a bar
3 women are sitting at a bar. They start discussing m**....The first woman proudly proclaims
"I can fit 2 fingers!"
The second says
"Well I can fit a whole cucumber!"
The third slipped down the stool.
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store...
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.
Self-proclaimed "west virginia backwoods r**..." told me these were the best jokes ever, tha. Waid "birds's gotta eat, just like a worm."
what do you call a deer with no eyes? ... .
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table.
A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."
The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"
Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.
He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."
The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.
When he brought the trophy home to his wife Patty she asked him what he said to get the prestigious award. Treading carefully, he replied "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sittin' in church next to me wife."
The next day Patty was shopping in the market when she ran into Patrick's best friend, also named Patrick. "What a great toast Patrick had last night" Patrick said excitedly.
Patty agreed, albeit a little confused, "yeah but I don't know where it came from, we only do that twice a year and when we do I have to pull Patrick's ear to get him to come."
During the communist rule
in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"
Eating grass
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
A Chinese man with the unfortunate name "Shan Yu"
To escape the ridicule of his peers, this man moved to the United States and found a job in an office that simplified scholarly articles on FOL (first order logic) so that the average Joe could read them.
It turned out this was Shan Yu's dream job; no one else could handle the language in the FOL files like he could. In his off hours he would practice hiding his accent, and "FOL" was his word of choice.
After years of practice, Shan Yu's accent was rock solid in all but the most emotional scenarios, and even then was only a bit shaky.
One day, Shan Yu heard his supervisor explaining to a client that the papers his company managed were beginning to become far too erudite for the average reader to grasp. In casual terms, these were the FOL-est papers he'd ever seen. Upon hearing this, Shan Yu slammed open the door and proclaimed: "Only Yu can prevent FORest fires!"
The Ooga Booga tribe
A group of 3 missionaries are traveling through the jungle, looking to spread the word of their God to the local tribesmen. They run into a savage tribe called the Ooga Booga, and are immediately brought to their chief. The chief says to them, that they all can either have death, or face Ooga Booga. The first one, scared of death, says that he will take Ooga Booga, and every tribesmen rapes him and he is free to go. The 2nd guy is also afraid of death, and chooses Ooga Booga and is free to go. The last guy proclaims his faith loudly and shouts "I will not take your sin upon me and in Gods name I choose death!". The chief responds "Fine.. then death.. by Ooga Booga".
The secret services of the USA, Israel and Russia argue about which is most effective.
An impartial Swiss judge releases a rabbit into thick woods and instructs them to find it.
The CIA and NSA conduct months of testing, hacking and spying before concluding that rabbits don't exist.
The Mossad torches the forest and proudly proclaims that the rabbit has been taken care of.
The FSB goes into the adjacent woods. An hour later, it comes out dragging a bloodied bear, who howls "Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.
He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
Three priests are in a boat in the middle of the lake...
...when one realizes he needs to relieve himself. Being a decent man, he decides that he will go in the woods on the shore. This priest folds his hands and begins to say a prayer before leaving the boat. Miraculously he steps out of the boat onto the surface of the water and easily walks to the shore without getting wet. Once he returns, the second priest realized he forgot something on the shore, he bows, repeats the prayer and walks over the water to the shore and soon returns with a basket of food. Astonished, the third priest proclaims, "You have been given a gift of Jesus by saying a simple prayer!" After this proclamation the third priest says the prayer and jumps out of the boat into the water followed by a huge splash of cold water as he plunges beneath the surface. It is at this point that the first priest turns to the second and asks, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones??"
A French Execution
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution.
The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine.
The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck.
The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released.
Next up is the lawyer, placed face-down on the guillotine ready to die.
Again the machine fails two feet from his neck.
"According to your laws, since you failed to execute me, I must be let go", and he is.
Finally the engineer is set to be killed, and placed upon the instrument he is to die upon.
As the blade falls, it stops short once again failing it's only task.
As the engineer looks from his prone position, he examines the failed machine.
"I can totally fix that for you."
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
An alcoholic, a s**... and a gay guy go to a psychiatrist
An alcoholic, a s**... and a gay guy go to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist evaluates their addictions and warns them, "If you indulge in your bad habit ONE MORE TIME, you will drop dead."
So the three men acknowledge his warning and leave the clinic.
As they walked down the sidewalk, discussing their fate, the Alcoholic proclaims, "I don't care what happens to me! I need a drink!" He runs into a bar, takes a shot of whiskey, and drops dead.
The s**... and gay guy--shocked that the psychiatrist was telling the truth--continue walking.
A few minutes later they see a full cigarette burning on the sidewalk. The s**... starts to sweat. And looks over at the gay guy. "I just need ONE MORE drag!"
The gay guy says, "Honey, if you bend down to pick that up, we're BOTH gonna drop dead!"
Piano Man
Peter walks into a bar and sees a miniature man playing the piano literally on the bar. Peter asks the guy at the bar how this little piano player got here.
Without turning to Peter, the man stares straight ahead and says, I rubbed that lamp over there, made a wish, and here he is. Why don't you give it a try?
Peter walks over to the lamp, gives it a rub and says, I wish for a million bucks!
Within seconds, ducks start falling from the ceiling and filling up the bar.
Peter, dumbfounded, turns to the man and proclaims, This thing is broken! I asked for a million bucks! Not ducks!
The man turns to Peter and says out of the corner of his mouth, You really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?
A university professor stood up in front of his class of 300 and proclaimed that the number of people in the class was a vector
After he had finished his sentence there were only 100 people left.
(I got bored in a lecture ^...I'm^so^sorry )
3 men were in a contest...
Three men were in a contest to find out which of them is the most hardheaded.
The first man is called to the stage and sees a jackhammer. He proceeds to use the jackhammer on his head, miraculously ending up unharmed. The audience is silenced and so are the other two men.
The second man, not wanting to be beaten, prepared a stack of bricks and told everyone he was going to smash the bricks with his head. Surprisingly enough, he was able to do it and leave the bricks into bits and pieces, while staying safe and uninjured.
The last man, who apparently didn't know what to do to beat his competitors, was called next into the stage. Still unsure with what he was gonna do, he refused to enter. They called him again, but still to no avail.
Everyone fell silent and the third man was proclaimed as the winner.
The other two competitors complained because he did nothing.
"WELL, he is the MOST HARDHEADED"
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace...
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
A well dressed gentlemen walks into a bar...
"I would like a 12 year old brandy, please" The barkeep pours him a drink, he takes a sip, and immediately spits it out. "This brandy is only 10 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior brandy!"
The barman apologizes and offers another drink, on the house of course. "I'll have a 15 year old Scotch." He takes a sip, spits out, and proclaims "This Scotch is only 12 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior Scotch! I'll give you one more chance: I would like a 30 year old port wine."
Before the barman can react, a man at the end of the bar asks him to give a drink he has to the well-dressed man. The man takes a sip, spits it out, and proclaims "my lord, this tastes like u**...!" The man at the end says, "It is, now tell me how old I am."
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
I was given ultimatum by fine bros for reacting on their reaction videos.
I reacted by proclaiming, "I will never react to your videos again."
Now i am being sued.
A geneticist is having s**......
During foreplay, the geneticist's partner kept moaning "Aug, aug, AUG!"
The geneticist later proclaims, "I don't know where to start!"
A servant runs into the kings room
The servant out of breath proclaims "Sir the peasants are revolting"
The king worried leaps to the window only to see a few peasants walking calmly down the road. Confused he turns back to the servant and inquires on what he meant.
The servant with a hand to his stomach replies "have you seen what they are wearing?"
A man sits down at a restaurant...
and orders a coffee. The waiter brings it back to the man who takes a sip and immediately proclaims that the coffee tastes like dirt. The waiter responds, "It's fresh ground."
A p**... walks into the doctor's office.
The doctor does some exams and after getting the results back realises the woman is pregnant.
"Do you know who the father is?" Asks the doctor.
The p**... proclaims, "Well doc, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you f**...?"
Yo mama so fat
Obi Wan Kenobi looks at her and proclaims "that's no moon, it's a space station"
How many US presidents does it require to change a light bulb?
2. One to change it and the other to proclaim that it is shimming beacon of hope and freedom
A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...
He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses the ball once again and takes a home run swing, but the ball lands in the grass at his toes, "strike 3". He runs around the yard cheering with hands in the air, "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
When someone proclaims "I'm not ashamed of Jesus",
I can't tell if they are a Christian or if they are coming out of the closet.
A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...
He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"
Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"
"It's me talking to the whiskey."
A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician all go hunting.
After sitting quietly on a hillside for a few hours, they spot a buck in the field below.
The mathematician measures up his shot and does some rough calculations on bullet drop, then fires. He misses about 5 feet to the left.
The physicist says "you forgot to account for wind!" He lines up his shot, and over-corrects, missing by about 5 feet to the right.
They both look over at the statistician, who proclaims: "We hit him!"
George Lucas has loudly proclaimed that he is coming out of retirement to do an all CGI remake of a classic Cary Grant movie
Tentative title: Gungan Din
A messy divorce ends with deciding who gets custody of Billy
The judge asks Billy Who do you want to stay with?
Billy replies Neither of my parents because they both beat me every day
The courthouse is in shock and both parents are clearly embarrassed, so the judge proclaims Well you can stay with your aunt then.
Billy says again No she beats me too, and my older cousin and my grandparents, they all beat me!
The judge thinks over with his advisors and they decide that he should be taken care of by the Cleveland Browns, because they can't beat anyone.
Superbowl Commercial Concept
*Queue dark, stormy night*
"There comes a time when we must all step up for equality"
*Flash of civil rights marches, gay pride parades and protests in the middle east*
"A time when we cannot accept bigotry and hatred"
*Rain pours on multi-ethnic protesters linked arm in arm*
"A time to proclaim that an era of love and understanding is here"
*People celebrating good news outside the Supreme Court*
"Arm and Hammer Baking Soda, the choice of a new tomorrow"
A chemist, a biologist, and a statistician are out hunting...
The chemist spots a deer and takes a shot at it, but misses by 5 feet to the left. The biologist then fires but misses by 5 feet to the right. The statistician then proclaims "We got 'em!"
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
Janitor in the church
The church janitor is cleaning the large overhead ducts from the inside when he notices a nun praying by herself and decides to have some fun. With the echo and a booming voice he proclaims "your prayers will answered", but the nun doesnt even flinch. He tries again "my child, your sins are forgiven", and again no response from the nun. Thinking she might be deaf, he tries one last time "I Jesus will lead you to salvation", upon which the nun firmly responds "shut up, I'm talking to your mother"
Rudolph the red
November a very rich soviet couple where walking back to there home. They hear some distant thunder and the man looks up at the clouds yep it's gonna rain tonight
What are you talking about says the wife it's clearly going to snow you idiot
It's to warm to snow it's going to rain, and look honey there's the friendly neighborhood communists officer let's ask him
They walk up to the communist officer and he says hi I'm Rudolph how can I help?
The husband asks the question and Rudolph say hmmm I think it will rain tonight
No it's not proclaims the wife
The husband responds honey Rudolph the red knows rain dear
What happens if the Pope proclaims that God is dead?
The cardinals proclaim the same of the Pope.
How did the immigrant caravan walk 2000 miles?
They listened to that Proclaimers song twice.
I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed time lawyer
He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.
Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.
One of the men says: "Last night I had s**... with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best s**... we've had"
One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had s**... with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"
The two other men shook their heads.
"That I was the best she has ever had!"
The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"
The third man says "once!"
The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"
The third man lays back and says:
"Don't stop!"