Proclaimed Jokes
25 proclaimed jokes and hilarious proclaimed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about proclaimed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh it up with these self-proclaimed jokes! From praises to profound statements, these jokes are sure to make you smile. See if you can make them all the way to Timbuktu.
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Funniest Proclaimed Short Jokes
Short proclaimed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The proclaimed humour may include short proclaims jokes also.
- My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed. You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.
- Auto correct got me arrested while proclaiming my love to my crush. Apparently there is no explanation for saying "I wish you were nine."
- Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire? He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.
- Have you walked 500 miles? Have you walked 500 miles?
Have you been asked to walk 500 more?
You may be entitled to compensation!!!
For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!! - The spokesperson for the National organisation against impotence got up to the podium... ...And proclaimed "This will not stand!"
- A pretty lady with bad gas farts in an Apple store... She looks around and loudly proclaims "HA! Bet you wish you had Windows now!"
- What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"? Scotch tape.
- A guy with LED Light up shoes at work, excitingly proclaims "Look at my shoes! They light up when I walk away!" His annoyed co-worker sarcastically replies: "Doesn't everyone?"
- A restaurant is attracting a lot of attention with their new slogan It proudly proclaims: "Beat the meat with organic vaggies"
- A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today. "I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.
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Proclaimed One Liners
Which proclaimed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with proclaimed? I can suggest the ones about declared and announced.
- Saudi Arabia now supports euthanasia Just proclaim you are homosexual
- I am a selftrained, 4 time world champion in chess. Self proclaimed as well
- Oscar the Grouch recently proclaimed his love to me. With a song called "I Love Trash"
- A man walks into his second rodeo He then proudly proclaims "This isn't my first rodeo."
- I can breathe underwater! I proclaimed with a glass of water on my head.
- A dozen fish are in a tank. Then one proclaims: "Can anybody drive this thing?"
- What is The Proclaimers favourite type of cheese? RICOTTA, RICOTTA
- What do you call a self proclaimed straight woman? A liar
Self Proclaimed Jokes
Here is a list of funny self proclaimed jokes and even better self proclaimed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed time lawyer He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.
- My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest d**...'
this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself
Amusing & Witty Proclaimed Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about proclaimed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exclaimed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make proclaimed pranks.
A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.
The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are a**...!"
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**...."
A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...
He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"
Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"
"It's me talking to the whiskey."
"I know where babies come from."
After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"
Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."
Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start hugging, then the Daddy's thingy stands up, and the Mommy kneels down and cleans her teeth with it."
Mom says "That's sweet Honey, but that's not where babies come from, that's where jewelry comes from!"
Got accosted by a bunch of guys proclaiming the end is nigh…
First one was positive for covid, the second one had laryngitis, next one a s**...'s cough and the last one had a sore t**...…
I think they were the Four hoarse men of the apocalypse.
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...
The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, Go forth and multiply."
All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, Go forth and multiply, but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, Why have you not followed my command?
* We can't multiply. We're Adders. *
An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.
The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.
The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.
The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein counts down while the two hide. Pascal immediately runs for it, but Newton just draws a square around himself and stands there.
As he turns around he proclaims "Found you, Newton!"
"No, you found one Newton on a square-metre. You found Pascal."
Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.
One of the men says: "Last night I had s**... with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best s**... we've had"
One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had s**... with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"
The two other men shook their heads.
"That I was the best she has ever had!"
The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"
The third man says "once!"
The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"
The third man lays back and says:
"Don't stop!"
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Two kids are walking down a dirt path...
a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
3 women sitting at a bar
3 women are sitting at a bar. They start discussing m**....The first woman proudly proclaims
"I can fit 2 fingers!"
The second says
"Well I can fit a whole cucumber!"
The third slipped down the stool.